The avoidant attachment style (referred to as dismissive attachment in childhood) is one of the three insecure attachment styles identified in psychological literature.
Caregivers (usually parents) who are strict and emotionally distant, do not tolerate expressions of feelings, and expect their child to be independent and tough might raise children with an avoidant attachment style.
Avoidant attachment in adults may, from the outside, look like self-confidence and self-sufficiency. This is because the avoidant attachment style causes a low tolerance for emotional or physical intimacy and, sometimes, struggles with building long-lasting relationships. Furthermore, in the workspace , adults with avoidant attachment are often seen as the independent, “lone wolf” type. However, due to their self-sufficiency, they may also be high achievers.
It is, however, possible to heal from the avoidant attachment style. With increased understanding, the correct strategies, and therapy when needed, adults with the avoidant attachment style can form healthier outlooks and behaviors, and develop a more secure attachment style.
some people do not want to depend on or truly connect with anyone, even when in a relationship
Most of us aim to build strong relationships throughout our lives.
We are ‘hungry’ for love and affection because emotional intimacy has many advantages.
we are able to share our thoughts and feelings openly,
we receive support and reassurance,
we feel heard, appreciated, valued, and consequently,
we feel calm and safe.
Emotional closeness can provide us with a feeling of stability –
we are not going through life alone;
we have someone to rely on.
If we feel safe and valued by others, we are also able to maintain a higher self-esteem and a positive outlook on life.
If you need to have close relationships and want to rely on others (and have others rely on you), you have probably wondered why some people lack these basic human desires. How do they even make it work?
The truth is, this is most often not a conscious choice. The way we form relationships as adults has a lot to do with the way we formed our first social bonds as children with our caregivers.
Let’s get back to that person you know, who is self-sufficient and does not (want to) rely on others. Based on attachment theory, we would categorize his or her attachment style as an insecure attachment style. It is known, more specifically, as avoidant/dismissive.
The development of this type of style in a child has much to do with the emotional availability of its caregivers. The caregivers do not necessarily neglect the child in general; they are present.
Nevertheless, they tend to avoid the display of emotion and intimacy and are often misattuned to the child’s emotional needs. Such caregivers are reserved and seem to back off when the child reaches out for support, reassurance and affection.
The caregivers are likely to become more distant as the situation gets more emotionally dense. They might become overwhelmed and want to get out. This is when their unavailability would be most evident.
The child expresses a need for closeness, but instead of receiving it, it perceives that the door is shut in its face.
Parents whose children become avoidant might not only avoid expressing their own feelings.
They might also disapprove of and not tolerate any notable display of emotions from their children, regardless of whether it is negative (sadness / fear) or positive (excitement / joy).
When such display of emotions occurs, caregivers can become angry and try to disrupt the child’s behavior by telling the child to toughen up. The parent expects the young child to behave independent, serious, and reserved.
Being raised in such an environment is likely to cause an avoidant attachment style. Most often, the caregivers have this attachment style themselves. Since the parent was raised that way, they pass it on, unintentionally, to the next generation.
Symptoms of avoidant attachment style in adults
Adults with the dismissive / avoidant attachment style seem to be pretty happy about who they are and where they are.
They might be very social, easy-going, and fun to be around. In addition, these individuals might have a lot of friends and/or Sexual partners .Generally speaking, they are not alone or lonely.
Avoidant adults tend to be independent. Their self-esteem is high and they do not rely on others for reassurance or emotional support.
Such individuals might invest in their professional development and are likely to build up their confidence on each personal success. They seem to be in control.
How does an avoidant adult behave in relationships?
For avoidant adults, social interactions and bonds remain on the surface. In order for a relationship to be meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become deep.
That’s when you would ‘hit a wall’ when dealing with such persons.
They will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, dismissive/avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off.
At this point, such people might try to find a reason to end a relationship. They might be highly annoyed by their partner’s behavior, habit, or even physical appearance. Consequently, they start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.
This is a direct result of their upbringing. Their caregivers showed them that people cannot be relied on. Whenever they sought emotional support in the past, it was not provided. They simply stop seeking or expecting it from others. It’s as if they have ‘turned off the switch’.
People with the avoidant/dismissive attachment style tend to have a positive self-view and negative one of others. Consequently, they prefer to foster a high sense of independence and self-sufficiency–especially on an emotional level.
Someone with the avoidant attachment style tends to believe that they don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete: They do not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and approval in social bonds.
Adults with this attachment style generally avoid intimacy or emotional closeness, so may withdraw from a relationship if they feel like the other person is becoming reliant on them in this manner. They also tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation, such as conflict.
To the avoidant adult, emotional closeness and intimacy are often off the table
From the outside, an adult with an avoidant attachment style might look confident, strong, and together. This does not mean, however, that this person is not suffering or making those around him/her suffer.
To the avoidant adult, emotional closeness and intimacy are often off the table. Not because they will not reap benefits, but because they do not know how.
Either way, not being able to build a deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationship can be painful for people with this attachment style. It can also be heart-breaking for the ones who love them.
Furthermore, having an avoidant attachment style as a parent is likely to affect your child’s attachment style. If you have it, you will probably pass it on.
I may have avoidant attachment… now what?
If you recognize the dismissive/avoidant attachment style in yourself, what can you do?
The key is to admit and realize that the ‘switch’ on emotional intimacy has to be turned on. This might be challenging and require a lot of effort.
What do I feel? The avoidant adult needs to start paying attention to the emotional and physical sensations that come up around (emotional) intimacy. Self-reflection might help one make sense of and analyze existing patterns.
What do I need? Another essential step is exploring, understanding, and eventually expressing emotional needs.
What should I do? At some point, the avoidant adult might be able to start working on building closer relationships with people. They could follow a step-by-step approach to letting others in and responding to the emotional needs of close ones.
No comments:
Post a Comment