Covert narcism

 

Bahnschrift;There are a few signs that someone who seems codependent may actually be a covert narcissist. Some of these signs include:

    Manipulative behavior: Covert narcissists may use manipulation tactics to control their partners, such as gaslighting, playing the victim, or using guilt to control their partners' actions.

    Lack of empathy: Covert narcissists may have a lack of empathy for their partners, and may not be able to understand or care about their partners' feelings.

    Self-centeredness: Despite their codependent behavior, covert narcissists may be highly self-centered and may always put their own needs above those of their partners.

    Difficulty with intimacy: Covert narcissists may have difficulty with genuine intimacy and may only be able to form superficial or exploitative relationships.

    Inability to take responsibility: Covert narcissists may be unwilling or unable to take responsibility for their actions and may blame their partners for any problems in the relationship

All narcissists are essentially codependents but far from all codependents are narcissists. The signs that a codependent is also a covert narcissist are the same signs to look out for in any person. Codependents can have narcissistic traits (we all do) its how they fall on the spectrum that decides if they are also NPD.

A codependent person is normally completely self sacrificing and (like the narcissist) lack self love and boundaries but they arent deceitful and abusive. They are (although unhealthy and imbalanced) givers whereas the narcissist only takes (after the initial love bombing).

Look through the facade and look where their words dont match their actions. Are they claiming to be unselfish, caring and giving but you detect alterior motives and deceit? Narcissists plays roles. Sometimes they portray themselves as victimized and codependent (self sacrificing) but you can feel and tell something is way off.

Are they abusive, controlling, demeaning, vindictive, haughty, irresponsible? Do they seem to have a grandious inflated ego? How to they act towards critism? Is there punishing going on in the form of silent treatments? Are they very secretive? All of these things point towards that they could be a covert narcissist (as well as a codependent). If these traits are not present however this person might just be a very unhappy and unfulfilled codependent with unexpressed sadness and resentment.

Many codependents ask themselves am I the narcissist. Narcissists do not have object constancy, they see things in black and white. When they are angry at you in that moment they forget the good things about you and now see you as a bad person. They also do not have the ability to self reflect. The false self is their defense mechanism. They have so many built in defenses nothing can ever be their fault. They defend the false self like it is life or death and to them it feels like life or death. The false self is all they have, the real self is gone killed off in childhood. The Covert Narcissist does not have the self esteem as does the Overt. Coverts May appear vulnerable and needy. They lack the grandiosity of the Overt. Coverts use a lot of pity plays to garner narcissistic supply. Coverts are introverted and some may have a hard time maintaining narcissistic supply sources. While both the Covert and Overt can suffer from depression, it seems more so with the Covert. Coverts may not have a wide circle of friends. Many coverts lead double lives. The are very secretive and it may take years for the wife or partner to find out about their double life. If a codependent has object constancy, and is able self reflect they are not a covert narcissist.

   

When a Narcissist Is Also Codependent

Writers often distinguish narcissists and codependents as opposites, but surprisingly, though their outward behavior may differ, they share many psychological traits. In fact, narcissists exhibit core codependent symptoms of shame, denial, control, dependency (unconscious), and dysfunctional communication and boundaries, all leading to intimacy problems. One study showed a significant correlation between narcissism and codependency. Although most narcissists can be classified as codependent, but the reverse isnt true  most codependents arent narcissists. They dont exhibit common traits of exploitation, entitlement, and lack of empathy.

Dependency

Codependency is a disorder of a lost self. Codependents have lost their connection to their innate self. Instead, their thinking and behavior revolve around a person, substance, or process. Narcissists also suffer from a lack of connection to their true self. In its place, theyre identified with their ideal self. Their inner deprivation and lack connection to their real self makes them dependent on others for validation. Consequently, like other codependents, their self-image, thinking, and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile ego.

Ironically, despite declared high self-regard, narcissists crave recognition from others and have an insatiable need to be admired  to get their narcissistic supply. This makes them as dependent on recognition from others as an addict is on their addiction.

Shame

Shame is at the core of codependency and addiction. It stems from growing up in a dysfunctional family. Narcissists inflated self-opinion is commonly mistaken for self-love. However, exaggerated self-flattery and arrogance merely assuage unconscious, internalized shame that is common among codependents.

Children develop different ways of coping with the anxiety, insecurity, shame, and hostility that they experience growing up in dysfunctional families. Internalized shame can result despite parents good intentions and lack of overt abuse. To feel safe, children adopt coping patterns that give arise to an ideal self. One strategy is to accommodate other people and seek their love, affection, and approval. Another is to seek recognition, mastery, and domination over others. Stereotypical codependents fall into the first category, and narcissists the second. They seek power and control of their environment in order to get their needs met. Their pursuit of prestige, superiority, and power help them to avoid feeling inferior, vulnerable, needy, and helpless at all costs.

These ideals are natural human needs; however, for codependents and narcissists theyre compulsive and thus neurotic. Additionally, the more a person pursues their ideal self, the further they depart from their real self, which only increases their insecurity, false self, and sense of shame. (For more about these patterns and how shame and codependency co-emerge in childhood, see Conquering Shame and Codependency.)

Denial

Denial is a core symptom of codependency. Codependents are generally in denial of their codependency and often their feelings and many needs. Similarly, narcissists deny feelings, particularly those that express vulnerability. Many wont admit to feelings of inadequacy, even to themselves. They disown and often project onto others feelings that they consider weak, such as longing, sadness, loneliness, powerlessness, guilt, fear, and variations of them. Anger makes them feel powerful. Rage, arrogance, envy, and contempt are defenses to underlying shame.

Codependents deny their needs, especially emotional needs, which were neglected or shamed growing up. Some codependents act self-sufficient and readily put others needs first. Other codependents are demanding of people to satisfy their needs. Narcissists also deny emotional needs. They wont admit that theyre being demanding and needy, because having needs makes them feel dependent and weak. They project judge as needy.

Although, narcissists dont usually put the needs of others first, some are actually people-pleasers and can be very generous. In addition to securing the attachment of those they depend on, often their motive is for recognition or to feel superior or grandiose by virtue of the fact that theyre able to aid people they consider inferior. Like other codependents, they may feel exploited by and resentful toward the people they help.

Many narcissists hide behind a facade of self-sufficiency and aloofness when it comes to needs for emotional closeness, support, grieving, nurturing, and intimacy. Their quest of power protects them from experiencing the humiliation of feeling weak, sad, afraid, or wanting or needing anyoneultimately, to avoid rejection and feeling shame. Only the threat of abandonment reveals how dependent they truly are.

Dysfunctional Boundaries

Like other codependents, narcissists have unhealthy boundaries, because theirs werent respected growing up. They dont experience other people as separate but as extensions of themselves. As a result, they project thoughts and feelings onto others and blame them for their shortcomings and mistakes, all of which they cannot tolerate in themselves. Additionally, lack of boundaries makes them thin-skinned, highly reactive, and defensive, and causes them to take everything personally.

Most codependents share these patterns of blame, reactivity, defensiveness, and taking things personally. The behavior and degree or direction of feelings might vary, but the underlying process is similar. For example, many codependents react with self-criticism, self-blame, or withdrawal, while others react with aggression and criticism or blame of someone else. Yet, both behaviors are reactions to shame and demonstrate dysfunctional boundaries. (In some cases, confrontation or withdrawal might be an appropriate response, but not if its a habitual, compulsive reaction.)

Dysfunctional Communication

Like other codependents, narcissists communication is dysfunctional. They generally lack assertiveness skills. Their communication often consists of criticism, demands, labeling, and other forms of verbal abuse. On the other hand, some narcissists intellectualize, obfuscate, and are indirect. Like other codependents, they find it difficult to identify and clearly state their feelings. Although they may express opinions and take positions more easily than other codependents, they frequently have trouble listening and are dogmatic and inflexible. These are signs of dysfunctional communication that evidence insecurity and lack of respect for the other person.

Control

Like other codependents, narcissists seek control. Control over our environment helps us to feel safe. The greater our anxiety and insecurity, the greater is our need for control. When were dependent on others for our security, happiness, and self-worth, what people think, say, and do become paramount to our sense of well-being and even safety. Well try to control them directly or indirectly with people-pleasing, lies, or manipulation. If were frightened or ashamed of our feelings, such as anger or grief, then we attempt to control them. Other peoples anger or grief will upset us, so that they must be avoided or controlled, too.

Intimacy

Finally, the combination of all these patterns makes intimacy challenging for narcissists and codependents, alike. Relationships cant thrive without clear boundaries that afford partners freedom and respect. They require that were autonomous, have assertive communication skills, and self-esteem.

 

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Marrying a covert narcissist can lead to a complex and often distressing marriage, marked by emotional turbulence, confusion, and frequent arguments. 

Covert narcissism, unlike its more blatant counterpart, overt narcissism, manifests through subtle traits and behaviors that you might initially overlook. While overt narcissists openly display their sense of superiority, entitlement, and need for admiration, covert narcissists operate under a facade of humility, sensitivity, and introversion, making them harder to identify. This brand of narcissism is hidden behind self-effacement and victimhood, which can be misleading.

The importance of recognizing the signs of covert narcissism in a spouse cannot be overstated, as it is crucial for understanding the dynamics of your relationship and seeking appropriate support or intervention. Without awareness, individuals may find themselves trapped in a cycle of emotional manipulation and stress, undermining their well-being and the health of the marriage. With awareness, though, you can decide on a way to confront the covert narcissism, which might include filing for divorce.

Are You Married to a Covert Narcissist?

Five telltale signs that your spouse is a covert narcissist include:

1 Lack of empathy disguised as sensitivity: 

Covert narcissists, despite their outward appearance of sensitivity and compassion, lack genuine empathy—the ability to truly understand and share the feelings of another—based on psychological definitions. This deficiency is masked under the guise of concern and attentiveness, making it particularly deceptive. They often engage in behaviors that superficially resemble empathic responsiveness, such as nodding, mirroring expressions, or offering clichéd words of support, but these actions lack depth and genuine emotion. 

The disconnect arises because their motivations are self-serving, aimed at maintaining a facade of being caring or manipulating situations to their advantage, rather than stemming from a real desire to comfort or connect with others. This imitation of empathy can lead to confusion and hurt for their partners, who may initially perceive them as deeply understanding individuals, only to later grapple with the realization of their emotional unavailability and the superficiality of their support.

2 Passive-aggressive behavior: 

Oftentimes, covert narcissists display passive-aggressive behavior as a coping mechanism for day-to-day tasks and challenges, a trait that becomes particularly pronounced within the privacy of their homes due to their introverted natures. Unlike their public persona, which might be carefully curated to present an image of agreeableness or humility, in private settings, they often resort to indirect expressions of 

hostility and resentment that manifest through 

procrastination, 

deliberate inefficiency (“weaponized incompetence”), 

subtle insults cloaked as humor, and 

non-verbal cues of discontent, such as sighs or eye rolls, especially in response to tasks or requests they disagree with but won't openly oppose. 

Such behaviors serve as a covert means to exert control and express dissatisfaction without direct confrontation.

3 Victim mentality: 

Covert narcissists play the victim in many scenarios, a manipulative tactic designed to deflect blame, garner sympathy, and maintain control over their partner and the narrative of the relationship. 

By portraying themselves as perpetually misunderstood or wronged, they shift the focus from their own problematic behaviors to the supposed shortcomings of their partner, thereby avoiding accountability. This victim's stance can be damaging to a marriage. 

The constant need to cater to the narcissist's emotional state can lead to an unhealthy dynamic, where the true needs and grievances of the non-narcissistic partner are sidelined and it becomes impossible to find mutual respect for one another.

4 Control issues confused as flexibility: 

Covert narcissists possess a subtle yet pervasive need for control, which they cleverly disguise under the facade of flexibility and accommodation. This manipulative behavior is rooted in their deep-seated desire to maintain dominance and influence over others' decisions and perceptions without appearing overtly authoritarian or demanding. They achieve this trick by employing tactics such as guilt-tripping, shaming, or feigning ignorance or vulnerability, thereby coercing their partners into conforming to their wishes under the guise of mutual agreement or concern for the narcissist's well-being. This duality enables the covert narcissist to manipulate situations and relationships to their advantage, all while maintaining an image of benevolence and understanding. Such behavior not only confuses and undermines their partner but also erodes the foundations of trust and genuine communication within the marriage.

5 Emotional withdrawal used as punishment: 

Emotional withdrawal and increased introversion can be strategically used by covert narcissists as a form of punishment toward their spouses, rather than as a means to protect their own emotions. This tactic involves deliberately creating emotional distance and withholding affection or communication in response to perceived slights or to assert control. By retreating into themselves, they leave their partner feeling confused, isolated, and desperate for reconnection, effectively turning the tables to place the blame on the partner for the narcissist's self-imposed isolation. 

This manipulative behavior serves multiple purposes: 

1.punishes the partner for not adhering to the narcissist's expectations or desires,

 2.reinforces the narcissist's perceived superiority by making their partner seek their approval or forgiveness, 

3 allows the narcissist to avoid confronting their own problematic behaviors. 

The result is a destabilizing dynamic within the marriage, where the partner may constantly strive to appease the covert narcissist in a futile attempt to regain emotional closeness, further repeating the cycle of manipulation and control.