Emotional needs

 

Have you ever wondered about the hidden impact of unmet emotional needs on your mental health and wellbeing? In this exploration, we aim to understand these needs and their profound influence, embarking on a heartfelt journey of self-discovery and resilience.

wait, you mean I have needs?

When I was a kid, I had a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, a shower, and a toilet, too! I even got a few of the things I wanted, like that toy I saw on TV or the latest Gameboy game. As far as most people were concerned, I didn’t have anything to complain about. I had everything I needed, and a few of the things I wanted. And yet, something was really, deeply wrong.

What could it be? I thought. It must be me.

There was something I desperately needed that I wasn’t getting, but I had no idea what it was. My parents loved me, and they even told me so. We’d have hugs and kisses and cuddles when I was little, too. So it couldn’t be love, because I had that too.

I’ll never forget the first time I googled it: what is an emotional need?

And then it clicked. It wasn’t me. I wasn’t too needy, too clingy, damaged, annoying, childish, too sensitive, a baby, or any of those things repeated to me by my caregivers, sibling, teachers, and peers to silence and further ignore the pain that was growing inside of me. I looked through the list of examples, and remembered all the times I tried to get my emotional needs met, but couldn’t. I instantly became a puddle of tears.

I’ve written before about the shame, neglect, and C-PTSD I endured from growing up this way, but today I want to talk about emotional needs for those who may be like I was: desperately wondering what was wrong with me even when everything looked OK on the outside.

If you’re feeling this way, let me be the first to say there is nothing inherently wrong with you. You are not a bad person. You are not broken. I’m not a therapist, and I can’t diagnose anyone, but I do know from first-hand experience that not having your emotional needs met over a long period of time can result in some serious emotional and psychological damage. If any of this is resonating with you, I would strongly encourage you to seek out a good therapist and bolster your support system so you can start getting those emotional needs met.

Without further ado, let’s dive in.

what are emotional needs?

Emotional needs stand distinct from our physiological necessities. While physical needs like food, water, and shelter are fundamental for survival, emotional needs are essential for our psychological wellbeing and overall happiness. These needs revolve around our feelings, thoughts, and social connections, contributing profoundly to our mental health.

Unlike physiological needs, which are more tangible and directly related to our bodily requirements, emotional needs are intangible and interconnected with our interpersonal experiences. They focus on our relationships, self-perception, and emotional fulfillment.

our universal, essential emotional needs

In our pursuit of understanding human well-being, research from the Human Givens Institute has identified a set of core emotional needs that form the bedrock of our psychological health. These needs, essential for our emotional equilibrium and fulfillment, encapsulate the fundamental pillars upon which our thriving as individuals rests.

1 Security: The need for safe territory and an environment conducive to full development is crucial. It’s akin to the foundation upon which all other emotional needs are built.

2 Attention (to give and receive it): Attention, described as a form of emotional nutrition, is vital. It involves both giving and receiving attention, fostering connections and a sense of significance.

3 Autonomy and Control: The need for volition to make responsible choices and exercise a sense of control over one’s life is essential for emotional well-being.

4 Community Connection: Feeling part of a wider community provides a sense of belonging and support, fulfilling the need for social connection and camaraderie.

5 Emotional Intimacy: The need to be accepted entirely for who we are, flaws and all, underscores emotional intimacy. It’s about having someone who embraces us unconditionally.

6 Privacy: The opportunity to reflect, consolidate experiences, and find calmness away from stressors is essential for emotional balance.

7 Status Within Social Groupings: A sense of status within social circles fulfills the need for acknowledgment and recognition within our communities.

8 Competence and Achievement: The need for a sense of competence and accomplishment is vital. It arises from being able to excel and achieve goals, contributing to a healthy self-esteem.

9 Meaning and Purpose: Finding meaning and purpose in what we do and think is significant. It comes from being stretched intellectually and emotionally, contributing to personal growth and fulfillment.

Aligned with the Human Givens framework, these universal emotional needs encapsulate the core components essential for human emotional health and well-being. Meeting these needs lays the groundwork for a balanced and fulfilling life.

Recognizing these emotional needs within ourselves and others is vital for fostering healthy relationships and maintaining emotional wellbeing. When these needs go unmet, it can lead to feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, or emotional distress.

what happens when my emotional needs go unmet?

You might still be a bit skeptical. After all, you’re not going to die if you don’t receive empathy or recognition. Isn’t it a bit excessive to call these needs?

Spoiler alert: no, it isn’t excessive at all; it’s completely accurate to refer to these as needs. Emotional needs going unmet can have profound and long-lasting consequences on an individual’s mental health and wellbeing. It can worsen, or perhaps even cause several mental illnesses and even put an individual at risk of addiction and suicide. I realize that’s a pretty bold claim, and I won’t say I have any cold, hard proof for it (and I’m not a psychologist, either, FYI). However, depression and suicide have long been linked with loneliness, hopelessness, trauma, and social isolation. Likewise, addiction and depression often go hand-in-hand.

Though not directly causal, the correlation between unmet emotional needs and mental health risks is well-documented, emphasizing the imperative of recognizing and addressing these needs for overall well-being. Here are some of the potential repercussions if emotional needs continually go unmet:

Psychological Impact:

1 Low Self-Worth and Self-Doubt: Continuous neglect of emotional needs can lead to feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt. Victims may internalize the idea that their needs are unimportant or burdensome.

2 Anxiety and Depression: Unmet emotional needs can contribute to the development of anxiety or depression. The persistent feeling of being misunderstood or invalidated can significantly impact mental health.

3 Difficulty Forming Healthy Relationships: Individuals who’ve experienced emotional neglect may struggle with forming and maintaining healthy relationships. The lack of positive relationship models can affect their ability to trust and connect with others.

Behavioral Patterns:

1 Codependency or Avoidant Behaviors: Some individuals might develop codependent tendencies, seeking validation and fulfillment solely through others. Others might adopt avoidant behaviors, distancing themselves emotionally from relationships due to fear of rejection or disappointment.

2 Self-Sabotaging Behaviors: Unmet emotional needs might manifest in self-sabotaging behaviors. This could include pushing away supportive relationships or engaging in harmful habits like substance abuse as a way to cope with emotional pain.

Emotional Consequences:

1 Emotional Detachment or Numbness: Over time, individuals might become emotionally detached or numb as a defense mechanism against ongoing emotional neglect. This can lead to a decreased ability to identify or express emotions.

2 Increased Vulnerability to Further Abuse: Individuals with unmet emotional needs might unknowingly attract or remain in abusive relationships, perpetuating a cycle of neglect and abuse.

Long-Term Effects:

1 C-PTSD and Trauma: Prolonged emotional neglect, especially in childhood, can lead to Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). This can manifest in symptoms like flashbacks, hypervigilance, and difficulty regulating emotions.

2 Increased Risk of Depression: Unmet emotional needs significantly heighten the risk of developing depression, contributing to persistent feelings of despair and hopelessness.

3 Addiction Vulnerability: Individuals facing unmet emotional needs often exhibit a higher susceptibility to addiction. Using substances or engaging in addictive behaviors might serve as a coping mechanism for unresolved emotional distress.

4 Suicidal Tendencies: The absence of emotional fulfillment can exacerbate feelings of isolation and despair, elevating the risk of suicidal ideation and tendencies. Note: if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.

5 Impact on Overall Wellbeing: Unmet emotional needs can have a cascading effect on overall well-being, affecting physical health, job performance, and personal fulfillment.

Addressing the consequences of unmet emotional needs often requires professional support, therapy, and a supportive network to begin healing and reestablishing healthy emotional boundaries and connections.

how do i get my emotional needs met?

As children, our parents are expected to help us navigate and meet our emotional needs. As adults, we don’t usually have a figure like this readily available who can guide us through the process. And if we never learned how to manage these needs as a part of childhood development, we’re left feeling lost, confused, and emotionally stunted.

healing unmet emotional needs

Acknowledging and addressing unmet emotional needs as an adult requires a deliberate and introspective healing journey. We must recognize that we cannot compel friends, family, or significant others to fill the voids left by unmet emotional needs from the past. This realization, while daunting, grants us a powerful opportunity: the autonomy to redefine our emotional landscape. It’s a recognition that while external connections play a significant role, our deepest emotional fulfillment ultimately springs from our relationship with ourselves.

1. Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion:

Start by acknowledging your emotions without judgment. Develop self-awareness around your triggers, patterns, and the specific emotional needs that arise. Offer yourself compassion throughout this process—it’s a fundamental step towards healing.

2. Identifying Your Emotional Needs:

Reflect on the core emotional needs that feel unmet. Is it the need for validation, empathy, or connection? Understanding these needs helps you seek appropriate strategies for fulfillment.

3. Cultivating Inner Connection:

Learn to become your own source of emotional support. Practice self-soothing techniques, such as mindfulness, grounding exercises, or self-affirmations. Validate your own emotions and practice self-compassion regularly.

This healing journey isn’t about self-isolation but rather self-reliance—an empowerment to become the primary caretaker of our emotional world. It encourages introspection, self-awareness, and the cultivation of self-compassion and self-love. As we invest in personal growth and self-care, we learn to bridge the gaps left by unmet emotional needs and build a resilient foundation from within.

4. Setting Boundaries and Asserting Needs:

Develop assertiveness in communicating your needs without expecting others to fulfill them. Clearly express boundaries and expectations, creating a conducive environment for emotional fulfillment in your relationships.

5. Diversifying Support Networks:

The shift in focus moves from expecting others to intuit and satisfy our emotional needs to actively cultivating healthy connections. It’s about surrounding ourselves with individuals who complement our emotional wellbeing rather than solely depending on them for it. This journey involves fostering relationships built on mutual respect, understanding, and the freedom to express needs without the weight of expectation.

In addition, build a diverse support network beyond close family or a significant other. Engage with friends, support groups, or seek professional therapy to foster healthy connections and access various sources of emotional support.

6. Investing in Self-Care and Growth:

Prioritize activities that nurture your emotional well-being—not just bubble baths and face masks, but real, soul-deep care. Explore hobbies that make you feel alive, whether it’s painting, journaling, or simply rediscovering the things you used to love. Try using a guided self-reflection journal to uncover patterns and desires you may have long ignored.

Creating rituals that support emotional safety can make all the difference. Wrap yourself in a weighted blanket during quiet evenings to calm your nervous system, or wind down with a sound machine that plays rain or ocean waves to help your body relax before sleep. These small comforts can become powerful reminders that you are worth tending to.

Invest time in personal growth with resources that truly speak to emotional healing. Books like The Loving Parent Guidebook can guide you in re-parenting the inner child who still longs to be seen. If you’ve ever felt lost when it comes to boundaries or emotional language, this kind of resource can be an anchor.

Remember, healing doesn’t have to be lonely or rigid—it can be soft, creative, even enjoyable. Choosing yourself again and again is the most radical kind of self-care.

7. Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity:

Central to this journey is the art of embracing vulnerability and authenticity. It’s about openly acknowledging our emotional needs without attaching a sense of weakness. By practicing vulnerability, we create spaces for genuine connections, fostering an environment where our emotional needs are acknowledged and reciprocated without coercion. Share your emotional needs openly and authentically, creating space for genuine connections and mutual support.

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8. Seeking Professional Guidance:

Throughout this journey, seeking the guidance of therapists or counselors can provide invaluable support. They offer tools, insights, and a safe space for exploring the depths of our emotional needs, aiding in the healing process and fostering emotional resilience.

Remember, this journey is not about perfection but progress. Embracing the process of healing and self-discovery empowers you to create a fulfilling and emotionally rich life. It’s a journey towards self-reliance and interdependence, fostering a balanced approach to meeting your emotional needs while nurturing healthy connections with others.

Closing Thoughts

Reflecting on my childhood, the material aspects seemed in place—shelter, nourishment, and even occasional indulgences. Yet, an unshakable void persisted. It was an unspoken yearning, an ache that words struggled to define. Confused, I believed the missing piece must be me. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon the concept of emotional needs that clarity began to dawn. It wasn’t me—it was a vital facet that eluded recognition and acknowledgment.

This realization sparked a revelation: emotional needs are intrinsic, intangible, yet as vital as our physiological requirements. The absence of emotional nourishment can cast a shadow over our mental landscape, inflicting invisible wounds that reverberate into adulthood.

So, to anyone walking this path, uncertain and tentative, I offer these words: You are not alone. Your emotional needs are not burdens but echoes of your vibrant spirit seeking acknowledgment. May you find solace in the realization that while the road may wind and the terrain may be rugged, it leads to an oasis of self-compassion and emotional liberation. You are worthy, inherently deserving of love, understanding, and fulfillment

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