Your mind is the judas

 Chapter #2

Chapter title: Your mind is the judas

BELOVED OSHO,

I HEAR YOU SAYING THAT WE ARE ALL LEAVES ON THE SAME TREE, AND THAT ENLIGHTENMENT IS ONLY POSSIBLE WHEN WE REALLY COME TOGETHER. ON THE OTHER HAND, I HEAR YOU SAYING THAT ONLY THE SINGLE INDIVIDUAL CAN FULFILL HIS BEING IN DEEP ALONENESS.

I FEEL BOTH OF THESE ARE RIGHT, BUT STILL I HAVE NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF IT. PLEASE COMMENT.

Both are right, but they appear to be contradictory; hence the confusion. On the one hand I am saying that when you are one with existence, you come to realization -- and to be one with existence means you disappear, you are no more. And on the other hand I am telling you to be yourself, to be authentically your original face; only then can you experience realization.

I can see your dilemma. You feel that they are both right -- that is significant to remember -- that you feel that they are both right, but your mind is not convinced, your thinking is not convinced. Your thinking creates questions: How can they both be right?

Mind functions in an either/or way: either this can be right or its opposite can be right. Both together cannot be right -- as far as mind, its logic, its rationality, is concerned.

If mind is either/or, then the heart is both/and. The heart has no logic, but a sensitivity, a perceptivity. It can see that not only can both be together; in fact, they are not two. It is just one phenomenon, seen from two different aspects. And there is much more than the two -- that's why I say "both/and."

And the heart is always right. If there is a question of choosing between the mind and the heart... because mind is a creation of the society. It has been educated. It has been given to you by the society, not by existence.

The heart is unpolluted.

It is pure existence:

Hence it has a sensitivity.

Look from the viewpoint of the heart, and the contradiction starts melting like ice.

I say to you, be one with the universe; you have to disappear and let the existence be. You just have to be absent so that the existence can be present in its totality. But the person who has to disappear is not your reality, it is only your personality. It is just an idea in you. In reality you are already one with existence; you cannot exist in any other way.

You are existence.

But the personality creates a deception, and makes you feel separate. You can assume yourself to be separate -- existence gives you total freedom, even against itself. You can think of yourself as a separate entity, an ego. And that is the barrier that is holding you back from melting into the vastness that surrounds you every moment.

It has no closed doors, all its doors are open. Sometimes you do feel a certain door open -- but only for a fragment of a moment; your personality cannot afford more. Those moments you call moments of beauty, moments of ecstasy.

Looking at a sunset, just for a second you forget your separateness. You are the sunset. That is the moment when you feel the beauty of it. But the moment you say that it is a beautiful sunset, you are no longer feeling it; you have come back to your separate, enclosed entity of the ego. Now the mind is speaking.

And this is one of the mysteries, that the mind can speak -- and knows nothing; and the heart knows everything -- and cannot speak.

Perhaps to know too much makes it difficult to speak.

The mind knows so little, it is possible for it to speak. Language is enough for it, but is not enough for the heart.

But sometimes, under the impact of a certain moment -- a starry night, a sunrise, a beautiful flower -- and just for a moment you forget that you are separate. And even forgetting it releases tremendous beauty and ecstasy.

When I say you have to disappear for the realization of the ultimate, I do not mean you; I mean the you that you are not. I mean the you that you think you are.

And the second statement, that only in feeling one with existence, totally dissolved in it, do you realize yourself, you realize truth... there is no contradiction for the heart, because this "you" that you realize when you are one with existence is not the old you. That was your personality, and this is your individuality. That was given by the society, and this is nature, reality, a gift of existence. You can forget it, but you cannot destroy it.

The other you, the false you -- you can create it, but you cannot make it real. It will remain a shadow, a painted face. It will never become your original face.

When I was a professor in the university, in the professors' campus there used to be a small street. Very few bungalows were there and those were the best bungalows -- for the deans and the vice-chancellor and the heads of the departments. So very silent, empty, no traffic... and the street was not long. It went just half a mile and then there was an end, a dead end, and a deep valley.

Whenever there was rain... I loved to walk in the rain. The last house had made it a point... because they saw it happening again and again, that whenever it rains I am certain to appear on the street. And that was the last house; then the valley was there.

They thought I must be mad -- without umbrella, soaking with water, with a beard, long hair, and walking so slowly and at ease... as if there is no problem of the rain. And then I used to stand by the side of a big bodhi tree, just at the very end of the street.

The bodhi tree has many beauties. One of the beauties is that its leaves are such that when it is raining you can stand underneath it and save yourself from the rains: the leaves prevent the water from reaching to you. And it has very thick foliage, so the water goes on gathering on the leaves. And the leaves are like cups, so they hold much.

So if you are suddenly caught in the rain, and don't want to spoil your clothes, the bodhi tree protects you longer than any other tree. But the other beauty is -- which was more important for me -- that when the rain has stopped, then under the bodhi tree, rain starts! -- because how long can it contain all that water? Sooner or later it becomes weightier, and leaves start... So when the whole world is silent, under the bodhi tree it is raining.

So I used to go to the end of the street and rest under the bodhi tree. That was another madness to the people of the house. Only in the beginning few minutes of rain can the bodhi tree protect you; after, that is dangerous, the most dangerous. The rain has stopped, but it will not stop under the bodhi tree for at least one hour.

The children of the house, the wife, daughters, sons -- they all will gather in the verandah and look at me. And it became an absolute thing to them, that both things happen together -- rain, and my coming to their house.

The house was given to one of the most important physicists, the head of the physics department. And he was very much interested in me, because once in a while I was making statements which were bringing physics and mysticism closer than ever. Perhaps the same statement can be made by the physicist as is being made by the mystics.

He was a very humble man. He had been teaching all over the world in different universities. Whenever I was giving a lecture in the students' union -- because almost every week, once or twice... He was an absolute audience -- he would come, certainly. Many other professors used to come, but he was the most regular. And we became friends.

He was very old. He had worked with Albert Einstein, and after Albert Einstein's death he came to America in his place -- because he was his closest colleague, and nobody could have taken that place except him.

We became such great friends that he said, "Sometime I would like you to come to my house; I would like to introduce you to my wife and my children." I had no idea that those were the people who knew me already, and I knew them already.

When I reached their house they all started giggling, and he was very angry. He said, "I have brought a friend. Accepted that he is very young and I am very old, and the friendship looks strange, but our conceptions about reality are very close, and you should not behave like this -- you have never behaved like this."

But the wife said, "You don't know this man."

And I said to him, "She is right: we have been well-acquainted for almost two years."

He said, "What! You are acquainted with my wife and children?"

I said, "Not actually, but a sort of acquaintance is there." And then I told him, "I come here on this street when it is raining; I love rains, and these people love to see me -- a madman. And don't think they are unmannerly -- that you are introducing me and they are laughing and giggling... even your wife cannot contain herself."

This physicist met some sannyasin in America, and sent me a message: "The last person I want to see is you, and I am coming back to India as soon as possible just to see you. And the reason is that I feel you are perfectly right that the way of the heart in seeing things is far closer to reality than the way of the mind."

But before he could come to India, he died. I feel that I must have been in his thoughts when he died.

We are one as far as our reality is concerned.

We look separate as far as our fabricated egos are concerned.

So when I say dissolve your "you," I mean your own creation, or the creation of the society in you. And just feel the silence of the moment when you are not; then you will feel so much in tune with clouds and the ocean and the mountains.

The day you drop it completely is the greatest day in your life, because this brings you the whole universe. You lose nothing -- you lose only a false idea -- and you attain everything: the whole universe, the infinite universe with all its beauties, with all its treasures.

But before you can drop the false "I" you have to find your real "I"; otherwise dropping the false "I", you will feel you are becoming empty.

That's why I say become an individual, be yourself.

That simply means that, feeling your reality you will be -- without any trouble -- capable of dropping the false. In fact the false will drop itself. As the real comes in, the false goes out. And the real is from one standpoint, individual -- individual against personality. The personality was just hodgepodge; something was put by your mother, something was put by your father, something by your neighbors, friends, wife, teachers, priests, leaders... It was a patchwork, it was not indivisible.

It was almost falling apart -- any moment, a small accident and it will fall apart -- it had no soul connecting all its parts. It had no wholeness, it was only parts.

Against `personality' I use the word `individuality' in the meaning of indivisibility. Individual means indivisible: you cannot divide it, there are no parts -- it cannot fall apart. It is solid rock, it is one piece. Seen in comparison with personality... but that is only one aspect.

Seen from the universal, you are no longer individual either. Even that much demarcation disappears. You are the whole. The winds, the trees, the moon are not separated anywhere; neither are you. You are breathing every moment. Existence is not separate from you, even when you think you are separate.

And when you know that you are not separate, it is a tremendous realization. Then all fear of losing your face, all fear of losing your personality -- which is always slipping -- disappears. You have come to the origins. You have come to the eternal, to the universal.

This is what I call enlightenment.

You have become full of light and clarity.

Now you live the whole mystery of existence.

Seeing a roseflower, you become it. You don't see it from outside; you feel it from its innermost being. Its petals are yours, its perfume is yours. You are not an observer -- you are it.

Krishnamurti used to say again and again -- his whole life he was saying it; I don't think the people who were listening were really listening to him. This is his most repeated observation: that the observed becomes the observer, or the observer becomes the observed.

You don't see a sunset setting far away; you are in it, you are part of all those beautiful colors. And to live existence in such deep empathy is the richest experience man is capable of.

Trust your feeling.

Never trust your mind -- your mind is the Judas.

Question 2

BELOVED OSHO,

THE MORE I MOVE INTO THE MEDITATION, THE MORE I FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF AND FOR THE SITUATION IN THE WHOLE WORLD. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

It is the same thing -- just the same question.

The more you become yourself, the more you will feel responsible for the world because the more you are becoming part of the world -- you are not separate from it. Your being authentically yourself means a tremendous responsibility -- but it is not a burden. It is a rejoicing that you can do something for existence.

Existence has done so much for you, there is no way to pay it back. But we can do something. It will be very small compared to what existence has done for us, but it will show our gratitude. It is not a question of whether it is big or small; the question is that it is our prayer, our gratitude, and our totality is involved in it.

Yes, it will happen: the more you become yourself, the more you will start feeling responsibilities which you had never felt before.

I am reminded.... In the life of Mahavira, the most important Jaina philosopher.... He is going from one village to another village with his close disciple, Goshalak. And this is the question they are discussing: Mahavira is insisting, "Your responsibility towards existence shows how much you have attained to your authentic reality. We cannot see your authentic reality but we can see your responsibility."

As they are walking, they come across a small plant. And Goshalak is a logician -- he pulls the plant and throws it away. It was a small plant with small roots.

Mahavira said, "This is irresponsibility. But you cannot do anything against existence. You can try, but it is going to backfire."

Goshalak said, "What can existence do to me? I have pulled this plant; now existence cannot bring it to life again."

Mahavira laughed. They went into the town, they were going to beg for their food. After taking food, they were coming back, and they were surprised: the plant was rooted again. While they were in the town it had started raining, and the roots of the plant, finding the support of the rain, went back into the soil. They were small roots, it was windy, and the wind helped the plant to stand up again.

By the time they had come back, the plant was back to its normal position. Mahavira said, "Look at the plant. I told you you cannot do anything against existence. You can try, but that will turn against you, because that will go on separating you from existence. It will not bring you closer.

"Just see that plant. Nobody could have imagined that this will happen, that the rain and the wind together will manage that small plant back, rooted into the earth. It is going to live its life.

"It seems to us a small plant but it is part of a vast universe, a vast existence, of the greatest power there is." And Mahavira said to Goshalak, "From this point our paths separate. I cannot allow a man to live with me who is against existence and feels no responsibility."

Mahavira's whole philosophy of non-violence can be better expressed as the philosophy of reverence for existence. Non-violence is simply a part of it.

It will go on happening: the more you find yourself, the more you will find yourself responsible for many things you have never cared about. Let that be a criterion: the more you find yourself responsible for people, things, existence, the more you can be at ease that you are on the right track.

One of my professors, Dr. Ras Biharidas -- he was a very old man -- has lived his life alone, because he was so contented, and so joyous in himself that he never needed anybody else. He was the head of the department, so he had a big bungalow -- living alone in it. And as we became acquainted with each other, he became very loving towards me, like a father.

He said, "There is no need for you to live in the hostel -- you can come and live with me. I have lived all alone in my life..." He used to play the sitar -- perhaps better than anybody else I have heard, and I have heard all the best sitarists. But he never played it to entertain people; he just played out of his joy.

And his timing was such, that nobody would have ever thought... three o'clock in the morning every day he will play his sitar. For seventy years he had been playing. The difficulty arose the first day, because I used to read up to three, and then I would go to bed -- and that was the time for him to wake up.

And this was a disturbance for both of us, because I loved to read things that I liked, not silently but loudly. When you are just reading with your eyes there is only a partial connection. But when you read poetry loudly you are involved in it; for the moment, you become the poet. You forget it is somebody else's poetry; it starts becoming part of your blood and bones and marrow.

Naturally it was difficult for him to sleep. And when I would go to sleep at three it was difficult for me to sleep. Just by my side, in the next room, he was playing his electric instruments -- the guitar, sitar, and other instruments. In two days we both were tired.

He said to me, "You live in this house -- I am leaving!"

I said, "You need not leave -- and where will you go? I have at least a place in the hostel. I will leave."

But he said, "I cannot say to you to leave. I love you, I love your presence here. But our habits are dangerous to each other. I have never interfered with anybody; there has never been anybody with me to interfere with. And I know you -- you will not interfere with me. But this will kill both of us! You will not say, `Change your time.' I cannot say that you should leave the house; that's why I said that I am leaving -- you live in the house."

I persuaded him, "I cannot live in the house. Once you leave, the university cannot allow me to live in this house -- this house is meant for you. I have to go to my hostel." With tears in his eyes he came to lead me to the hostel.

I remembered him at this point because I have never seen anybody else in my life who was so responsive, so sensitive. Even if by mistake he had hit the chair, he will apologize -- to the chair. I told him, "Dr. Biharidas, this is going too far!"

He said, "That's how I feel. I have hit the poor chair. She cannot speak; otherwise she would have been angry. And she is part of this whole cosmos, and she has served me, and I have not been friendly towards her; I have hit her. I have to apologize."

People in the university thought that he was mad -- a man who asks forgiveness from a chair in this world cannot be thought to be sane. I have watched him closely; he was one of the sanest persons. But his responsibility was tremendous.

He could not say to me... it was his house. He could have said to me, "You can read silently" or, "You can read at some other time" or, "You can read while I am playing my instrument." But that he would not do. It would have been easy -- that's what everybody else is doing in the world. But his sensitivity and deep respect for the other person... even his reverence for things was impeccable.

People have looked at his behavior and have thought, "He is not in the right state of mind." But nobody bothered to think that the right state of mind makes people responsible, so responsible that they start looking -- to others -- mad.

For example, Mahavira slept his whole life only on one side. He would not change his side in the night. Asked why, he said -- because he was living naked, having nothing, lying down on the bare floor.... If he changes his side, some ant, some small insects may be crushed by his turning, and he will not do such a thing. His responsibility towards very small things simply shows his integrity with existence.

His way of begging will explain to you what I mean. Nowhere else in the world has anybody done such a thing -- so much trust for existence! In the morning, after his meditations, he would visualize in what condition he was going to accept today's food. And sometimes it happened that thirty days would pass and he would not be able to receive food because what he has visualized, a particular condition, was not fulfilled. Strange things....

For example, he thinks that he will accept food if a woman at the house where he stands begging comes out of the house with her baby still sucking milk from her breast. Then only will he accept food from that woman; otherwise that day is gone. Then next day he will try again.

His people persistently said to him, "This is strange! There have been great ascetics... you can fast as much as you want, that is another thing."

He said, "This is not a question of fasting. I am leaving it to existence, and I am making a condition so that I can know if existence wants me to eat today or not. It is between me and existence. If the condition is not fulfilled that simply means existence wants me to fast. It is not my fast, it is simply that existence does not want me to eat today, and the wisdom of the whole is bigger."

And sometimes such strange conditions were fulfilled that nobody could have imagined that it would be possible. For example, one of the conditions was fulfilled.... After thirteen days remaining hungry, fasting, he continued: unless that condition was fulfilled he would not change the condition. He would change it only when it is fulfilled; then he would add the second condition.

The condition was that a princess -- no ordinary woman, but a great princess -- chains on her legs, handcuffed... if she offers food to him, he will accept. Now, this is asking something absurd. In the first place, if she is a princess, why should she be handcuffed, with chains on her feet? And if she is handcuffed and with chains on her feet, she will be in jail! She may be a princess but she will not be able to offer food.

But it happened that one of the kings got very angry with his daughter -- her name was Chandana -- and out of anger he ordered that she should be handcuffed and chained for twenty-four hours. She was not put in jail, but she was free in the home.

And when Mahavira came... And that was the argument that created the whole problem: she wanted to offer food to Mahavira. She loved the man, she loved his way of thinking, and her father was absolutely against it. That's why she was handcuffed and chained -- she would not be able to go out of the house in that way because this would be so embarrassing. When Mahavira came, he came with thousands of his followers.

But she went out with the food, and those thousands of followers could not believe their eyes. Because that very day, after thirteen days, they had insisted, "Mahavira, we would like to know: what is the condition? We are not going to tell anybody; we just want to see whether there is any meaning in your conditions. Is existence compassionate enough, is existence caring enough? Does it bother about you? Just for once, we want to know: what is your condition?"

He said, "This is my condition..."

They said, "My God, this may never be fulfilled!"

Mahavira said, "That simply means existence does not need me. I have no complaint; perhaps my work is completed, and I am unnecessarily being a burden." But the condition was fulfilled.

Such trust in existence, such unwavering trust, comes when you start taking responsibilities. As you feel more responsible towards small things around you, existence goes on responding in a thousand-fold way. You are not a loser.

Question 3

BELOVED OSHO,

CAN A CHAIN-SMOKER BECOME MEDITATIVE? I HAVE SMOKED FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, AND I FEEL THAT IN SMOKING I STOP GOING DEEPLY INTO MEDITATION.. STILL, I CAN'T STOP SMOKING. CAN YOU TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT IT?

A meditator cannot smoke, for the simple reason that he never feels nervous, in anxiety, in tension.

Smoking helps -- on a momentary basis -- to forget about your anxieties, your tensions, your nervousness. Other things can do the same -- chewing gum can do the same, but smoking does it the best.

In your deep unconscious, smoking is related with sucking milk from your mother's breast. And as civilization has grown, no woman wants the child to be brought up by breast-feeding -- naturally; he will destroy the breast. The breast will lose its roundness, its beauty.

The child has different needs. The child does not need a round breast, because with a round breast the child will die. If the breast is really round, while he is sucking the milk he cannot breathe; his nose will be stopped by the breast. He will get suffocated.

The child's needs are different from a painter's need, form a poet's need, from that of a man of aesthetic sensibility. The child needs a long breast so his nose is free and he can do both -- he can breathe and also feed himself. So every child will try to make the breast according to his needs. And no woman wants the breast to be destroyed. It is part of her beauty, her body, her shape.

So as civilization has grown, children are taken away from the breast of the mother sooner and sooner. And the longing to drink from the breast goes on in their minds. And whenever people are in some nervous state, in tension, in anxiety, the cigarette helps. It helps them to become a child again, relaxed in their mother's lap.

The cigarette is very symbolic. It is just like the nipple of the mother, and the smoke that goes through it is warm just like the milk is warm. So it has a certain symmetry, and you become engaged in it, and for the moment you are reduced to a child who has no anxieties, no problems, no responsibilities.

You say that for thirty years you have been smoking, a chain-smoker; you want to stop it but you cannot stop it. You cannot -- because you have to change the causes that have produced it.

I have been successful with many of my sannyasins. First they laughed when I suggested to them... they could not believe that such a simple solution could help them. I said to them, "Don't try to stop smoking, but rather bring a milk bottle that is used for small children. And in the night when nobody can see you, under your blanket enjoy the milk, the warm milk. It is not going to do any harm at least."

They said, "But how is it going to help?"

I said, "You forget about it -- how and why -- you just do it. It will give you good food before you go to sleep, and there is no harm. And my feeling is that the next day you will not feel so much need for cigarettes. So you count."

And they were surprised... slowly, slowly the cigarettes were disappearing, because their basic need which had remained hanging in the middle was fulfilled: they are no more children, they are maturing, and the cigarette disappears.

You cannot stop it. You have to do something which is not harmful, which is healthier, as a substitute for the time being so that you grow up and the cigarettes stop themselves.

Small children know this -- I have learned the secret from them. If a child is crying or weeping and is hungry, and the mother is far away, then he will put his thumb in his mouth and start sucking it. And he will forget all about hunger and crying and weeping, and will fall asleep. He has found a substitute -- although that substitute is not going to give him food, at least it gives a sense that something similar is happening. It relaxes him.

I have tried with a few of my sannyasins, even sucking the thumb. If you are too afraid to bring a bottle and fill it with milk, and if your wife comes to know about it, or your children see you doing it, then the best way is: you go to sleep with the thumb in the mouth. Suck it and enjoy it.

They have always laughed but they have always come back and said, "It helps, and the number of cigarettes next day is less and it goes on becoming less." Perhaps it will take a few weeks, then the cigarettes will disappear. And once they have disappeared without your stopping them.... Your stopping is repression, and anything repressed will try to come up again with greater force, with vengeance.

Never stop anything.

Find the basic cause of it and try to work out some substitute which is not harmful. So the basic cause disappears -- the cigarette is only a symptom. So the first thing is, stop stopping it. The second thing is, get a good bottle, and don't be embarrassed. If you are embarrassed then use your own thumb. Your own thumb will not be that great, but it will help.

And I have never seen anybody failing who has used what I am saying. One day suddenly he cannot believe that he was unnecessarily destroying his health rather than having pure and clean air, smoking dirty smoke and destroying his lungs.

And this is going to become a problem more and more because as the women's liberation movement grows children will not be breast-fed. I am not saying that they should be breast-fed; but they should be given some substitute breast so that their unconscious does not carry some wound that will create problems for them -- chewing gum and cigarettes and cigars.... These are all symptoms. In different countries they are different.

In India they go on chewing pan leaves, or there are many people who use snuff. These are all the same. The snuff looks far away, but it is not that far away. The people who are nervous, tense, in anxiety, will take a dose of snuff. It gives a good sneeze, clears their mind, shakes their whole being, and it feels good.

But those anxieties will come back. The snuff cannot destroy them. You have to destroy the very base of your being nervous. Why should you be nervous?

Many journalists have told me, "With you one of the greatest difficulties is that we feel nervous." And they have said, "This is strange because we interview politicians -- they feel nervous, we make them nervous. You make us nervous, and immediately the desire to smoke arises. Then you prevent us smoking: `You cannot smoke here.' You are allergic.

"You have a great strategy! -- we cannot smoke, and you are making us nervous and tense, and this allergy you have which prevents us from smoking... so you have no way out for us."

But why should they feel nervous before me? Those politicians are powerful people -- if they feel nervous before them, it can be understood. But the reality is those powerful people are just hollow inside, and that power is borrowed from others, and they are afraid for their respectability. Each word they have to speak, they have to think twice. They are nervous that these journalists may create a situation in which their influence over people is destroyed. Their image that they have created has to become better and better. That is their fear. Because of that fear, the journalist -- any journalist, who has no power -- can make them nervous.

To me there is no problem. I have no desire for respectability. I am notorious enough -- they cannot make me more notorious. I have done everything that could have made me nervous; I have managed already. What can they do to me? -- I don't have any power to lose, and I can say anything that I want because I am not worried about being contradictory, inconsistent. On the contrary, I enjoy being contradictory, inconsistent.

They start feeling nervous, and the nervousness immediately brings the idea to do something, to get engaged, so nobody feels that you are nervous. Just watch: when you start feeling that you need a cigarette, just watch why you need it. There is something that is making you nervous, and you don't want to be caught.

I am reminded... One day in a New York church, as the bishop entered he saw a strange man, a perfect hippy-type. But he made the bishop nervous, because that man looked into his eyes, and said, "Do you know who I am? I am Lord Jesus Christ."

The bishop phoned Rome: "What am I supposed to do?" he asked the pope, "a hippy-looking man, but he also looks like Jesus Christ. And I am alone here, early in the morning and he has come here. I have never been told what we have to do when Jesus Christ comes, so I want instruction. Clearly, so I don't commit any mistake."

The pope was himself nervous. He said, "Do only one thing: look busy! What else can be done? Meanwhile give a phone call to the police station. And look busy so that man cannot see your nervousness."

Cigarettes help you to look busy; your nervousness is covered by it. So don't try to stop it; otherwise you will feel nervous and then you will fall back to the old pattern. The desire is there because something is left incomplete in you.

Complete it -- and there are simple methods to complete it. Just a baby's milk bottle will do. It will give you good food, it will make you healthier and it will take away all your desire for looking busy!

The Psychology of Anger

  OSHO Times Emotional Ecology The Psychology of Anger

The Psychology of Anger

The psychology of anger is that you wanted something, and somebody prevented you from getting it. Somebody came as a block, as an obstacle. Your whole energy was going to get something and somebody blocked the energy. You could not get what you wanted.

Now this frustrated energy becomes anger...anger against the person who has destroyed the possibility of fulfilling your desire.

You cannot prevent anger because anger is a by-product, but you can do something else so that the by-product does not happen at all.

In life, remember one thing: never desire anything so intensely as if it is a question of life and death. Be a little playful.

I am not saying, don’t desire – because that will become a repression in you. I am saying, desire but let your desire be playful. If you can get it, good. If you cannot get it, perhaps it was not the right time; we will see next time. Learn something of the art of the player.

We become so identified with the desire, then when it is blocked or prevented our own energy becomes fire; it burns you. And in that state of almost insanity you can do anything, for which you are going to repent. It can create a series of events that your whole life may get entangled with. Because of this, for thousands of years, they have been saying, “Become desireless.” Now that is asking something inhuman. Even the people who have said, “Become desireless” have also given you a motive, a desire: if you become desireless you will attain to the ultimate freedom of moksha, nirvana. That too is a desire.

You can repress desire for some bigger desire, and you may even forget that you are still the same person. You have only changed the target. Certainly, there are not many people who are trying to get moksha, so you will not have any great competition. In fact, people will be very happy that you have started going towards moksha – one competitor less in life. But as far as you are concerned nothing has changed. And if anything can be created which disturbs your desire for moksha, again the anger will flare up. And this time it will be far bigger, because now the desire is far bigger. Anger is always proportionate to desire.

I have heard....

There were three monasteries, Christian monasteries, very close together in the forest. One day three monks met at the crossroads. They were coming from the villages back to their monasteries; each belonged to a different monastery. They were tired. They sat down under the trees and started talking about something to pass the time.

One man said, “One thing you will have to accept is that as far as scholarship is concerned, learning is concerned, our monastery is the best.”

The other monk said, “I agree, it is true. Your people are far more scholarly, but as far as austerities are concerned, discipline is concerned, spiritual training is concerned, you don’t come anywhere near to our monastery. And remember, scholarship will not be able to help you realize the truth. It is only spiritual discipline, and we are the best as far as spiritual discipline is concerned.”

The third monk said, “You are both right. The first monastery is best in learning, scholarship. The second monastery is best in spiritual discipline, austerities, fasting. But as far as humbleness, egolessness is concerned, we are the tops.” Humbleness, egolessness...but the man seemed to be absolutely unaware of what he was saying: “As far as humbleness, egolessness is concerned, we are the tops.”

Even humbleness can become an ego trip. Egolessness can become an ego trip. One has to be very aware. You should not try to stop anger. You should not, in any way, keep the anger controlled, otherwise it will burn you, it will destroy you. What I am saying is: you have to go to the roots. The root is always some desire which has been blocked, and the frustration has created the anger. Don’t take desires very seriously. Don’t take anything seriously.

It is unfortunate that no religion in the world has accepted the sense of humor as one of the basic qualities for the religious man. I want you to understand that a sense of humor, playfulness, should be the fundamental qualities. You should not take things so seriously, then anger does not arise. You can simply laugh at the whole thing. You can start laughing at yourself. You can start laughing at situations in which you would have been angry and mad.

Use playfulness, a sense of humor, laughter. It is a big world, and there are millions of people. Everybody is trying to get to something. It is very natural that sometimes people may get into each other’s ways – not that they want to, it is just the situation, it is accidental.

I have heard about one Sufi mystic, Junnaid, who every day in the evening prayer used to thank existence for its compassion, for its love, for its care.

Once it happened that for three days they were traveling and they came across villages where people were very antagonistic against Junnaid, because they thought his teachings were not exactly the teachings of Mohammed. His teaching seemed to be his own, and, “He is corrupting people.”

So from three villages they had not got any food, not even water. On the third day they were really in bad shape. His disciples were thinking, “Now let us see what happens in the prayer. How can he now say to existence, ‘You are compassionate to us; your love is there. You care about us, and we are grateful to you.’ ?”

But when the prayer time came, Junnaid prayed the same way. After the prayer the followers said, “This is too much. For three days we have suffered hunger, thirst. We are tired, we have not slept, and still you are saying to existence, ‘You are compassionate, your love towards us is great, and you take so much care that we are grateful to you.’ ”

Junnaid said, “My prayer does not depend on any condition; those things are ordinary. Whether I get food or not I don’t want to bother existence about it – such a small thing in such a big universe. If I don’t get water...even if I die, it does not matter, my prayer will remain the same. Because this vast universe...it makes no difference whether Junnaid is alive or dead.”

This is what I mean when I say, don’t take anything seriously...not even yourself. And then you will see anger simply has not happened. There is no possibility of anger. And anger is certainly one of the great leakages of your spiritual energy. If you can manage to be playful about your desires, and still be the same whether you succeed or you fail.

Just start thinking about yourself at ease...nothing special; not that you are meant to be victorious, not that you have to succeed always in every situation. This is a big world and we are small people.

Once this settles in your being then everything is acceptable. Anger disappears, and the disappearance will bring you a new surprise, because when anger disappears it leaves behind it tremendous energy of compassion, of love, of friendship

Relationship and Marriage Problems

   Relationship and Marriage Problems

Relating to, and/or being intimate with, another person can be very satisfying and can help us establish and maintain good mental health.  At other times these relationships can be very difficult and destructive.

Relationship Problems

Most people, probably like you, are managing many relationships on an ongoing basis--relationships with a loved one, with children, other family members, friends, work relationships, and a romantic relationship. Each of these relationships can be a source of love, pleasure, support and excitement; however they can also be a source of grief and anguish if they are heading in an unhealthy direction. Each of our relationships has its demands and potential problems and each has the potential to influence the way we feel at any given time.

Regardless of the cause, distress in a relationship can lead to many problems including codependency, loneliness, stress, fear, depression and anxiety just to mention a few.  If you are having ongoing problems in any of your relationships, there is help available. The earlier you seek help the better since an earlier, rather than later, intervention will prevent the problem(s) from getting worse.

Relationship problems sometimes arise because we never learned what to do or not to do, or problems arise because we have lost touch with our instinctive good sense and have become over-anxious about the relationship. Maybe you have lost your own self-respect and sense of our personal worth, or have had unfortunate experiences in past relationships and have temporarily lost your ability to trust, or maybe you have unrealistic expectations about what you should be getting from, or giving to, a relationship.

Helpful Tips Regarding Relationship Issues

Here are some helpful things to keep in mind when you have a relationship problem:

· People are in relationships with one another for all kinds of reasons. While most of the time it's our closest relationships that cause us the most stress, even the most casual relationships with others can affect the way we feel about a situation or about ourselves. Understanding your own role in a relationship, learning to sustain healthy relationships, and choosing to end (or not enter) unhealthy ones, are skills that can be learned but often take time and practice.

· There are two sides in every relationship. When things are going poorly, remember that the other person has his or her own story about what is happening, and that story makes sense to him or her too. Resolving a relationship problem frequently requires each person coming to understand the other's perspective and, whenever possible, doing what it takes to bring the relationship back into a respectful balance.

· People in successful relationships need to accept individual differences and not try to force others to be someone they are not.

· People need to get rid of the expectation that someone else will solve all our problems or meet all our need. No one relationship can give you everything that you need. Likewise, you cannot be the sole support for someone else. It takes some careful balancing to manage multiple relationships in a healthy manner.

· Get clear about what you believe the problem to be. Sometimes a person is not sure why they are upset, but know something is wrong or is missing.

· Each person in the relationship has their own set of needs, dreams, expectations and goals which they need to be aware of, and need to be able to express to others. Unstated expectations can be problematic. People in relationship (e.g. friends, lovers, partners, parents, and children) often have different ideas about what the nature of the relationship is, or different expectations about what it takes to keep it healthy. It is better to know where the differences of opinion, expectations, or needs are, rather than to operate on inaccurate assumptions.

· A successful relationship needs to focus on the present and not repeatedly pick over past events or focus on unrealistic future events.

· Asking for help is okay, and sometimes necessary. If a relationship is valuable and you are having difficulty finding a solution, ask for help.

No matter the cause, distress in a relationship can lead to many problems including codependency, stress, unhappiness, depression, fear, and anxiety.   You may hope your relationship troubles just go away on their own, but a troubled relationship may only worsen.

Treatment of Relationship Problems

In helping my clients I have found that there are many treatment strategies available to help a person, couple, or family who is having relationship problems. These strategies include individual psychotherapy, counseling, personal coaching, mediation, couples counseling, and family therapy. All of these strategies can help resolve conflicts, help heal wounds, and put a relationship back on a healthy track and help keep it positive.

Tackling problems early is important since the longer a problem is left unresolved, the harder it usually is to resolve. Improving a relationship can start with the individual and, if possible, extend to the other person(s) in the relationship. If at least one person is clear and reasoned about what they want and more consistent about how they ask for it, the whole relationship can begin to be put on a healthier foundation.

In romantic and intimate relationships, working with both partners may be necessary. You and your significant other need to understand that each of you have your own set of needs, expectations, hopes and dreams.  You need to be aware of these and be able to express them to each other.  Unstated expectations can be a real problem. You and your partner may have different ideas about what the nature of your relationship is and different thoughts and feelings regarding what it takes to keep the relationship active and healthy.

Marriage or couples counseling can help you rebuild and strengthen your relationship. Or the counseling may help you decide that you both will be better off if you drastically alter or end the relationship. Couples, marriage, and family counseling can give you the tools to communicate better, negotiate differences, problem solve, love and even argue in a healthier way.

I have been able to help my clients change, rebuild, and strengthen their relationships with loved ones or help them to determine if they should end the relationship.  Couples, marriage, family and individual counseling can give you the understanding, tools and techniques to communicate better, negotiate differences, solve problems, love and even fight in a healthier way.  Asking for help is often difficult but sometimes necessary. If a relationship is valuable and you are having difficulty, help can be just a call away.

Treatment can be short term, often helping you in only a few sessions to get through a crises or specific problem, or you may need counseling over a longer period of time, particularly if your relationship has greatly deteriorated.

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Rejection, and the fear of being rejected, ranks among the most potent and distressing of every day events that people experience.

Understanding Rejection

Emotional rejection is the feeling a person experiences when disappointed about not achieving something desired. It is commonly experienced in a quest of emotional relations, such as among romantic couples, in social and group settings, or in the professional world in relation to advancement.

Interpersonal rejection ranks among the most potent and distressing events that people experience. Rejection by a loved one, a romantic relationship, ostracism, stigmatization, job termination, and other kinds of rejections have the power to compromise the quality of a person's life. As a result, people are highly motivated to avoid social rejection, and, indeed, much of human behavior appears to be designed to avoid such experiences.

The act of rejection can make the person experiencing it undergo a sudden drop in positive emotion. This is displayed as something ranging from a vague disappointment, sadness, and depression, to anxiety, phobic behavior, or even stalking or forcibly abducting the rejecting person.

When an act of physical violence is thrust upon a person, the first reaction is to protect your self. The hands go up and cover the face or vital areas; the upper body leans away in order to retreat from the pain that is being inflected. It is almost as if there is a force pulling the body away from the impending danger.

When we are hurt emotionally the same reaction occurs internally; our mental and emotional states are looking to move away from the hurtful person or situation, just as a person under attack. These are responses of defense and the subconscious mind does not differentiate between physical and emotional pain, as both can hurt us. If someone insults you or behaves in a way that violates your personal emotional boundaries, the feeling of hurt may be appropriate. When we experience enough situations of hurt, we feel we have to protect our self from further hurt. This is neither wrong or right, it is a matter of whether the response suites your needs.

The desire for acceptance, the opposite of rejection, is a driving force that keeps many people from being an authentic human being. They are so driven by the need for acceptance of others that they lose their own identity in the process. They mimic the ways in which others act, dress, talk, think, believe, and function. Acceptance is the underlying process in the power of peer pressure and is what causes young people and older people alike to fixate on pop-culture, counter culture, punk, new wave, preppie, yuppie, and other styles. They crave recognition and acceptance from the reference group with whom they want to be identified.

People who operate out of a fear of rejection often display little or no assertiveness, they do not speak up and let others know how they feel about something, especially if their opinions differ.  They lack the courage to function differently from others, even when they don't enjoy the behavior in which they are involved. They will often keep their personal feelings hidden from others and too often from themselves.

For too many people the fear of rejection and the desire for acceptance are the main motivating forces for all actions in their lives. It plays a part in their choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior, achievement level, interpersonal and marital relationships, family and community life, and the ways in which they spend leisure time. The person who operates out of a fear of rejection all too often ends up pushing away the very friends, family, and helpers who care the most. The pulling away of these caring ones appears to be rejection, and the vicious cycle goes on with negative results.

Causes

The causes of fear of rejection can range from such things as having a physical condition that  the person believes makes them unattractive to others, being rejected as a child, or having been abandoned or unloved. The person may have had a traumatic experience of rejection that deeply scarred them, they may have never been exposed to healthy ways of dealing with conflict or disagreement, or they may lack a healthy self-concept, sense of self-worth or positive self-esteem.

But regardless of the cause, it can create real problems in the "here and now". Fear of rejection can lead to codependent, clingy, obsessive, jealous, or angry behavior in relationships. It can make you drive others away from you.  It can cause you to reject others to avoid being rejected yourself.  Overall a fear of rejection can result in a very damaging pattern of emotion and behavior that can cause real hurt to relationships and your enjoyment life in general.

Fear of rejection and the unhealthy behavior patterns that develop as a result of this fear are very responsive to psychotherapy and a wide variety of therapeutic approaches used by psychologists and other mental health professionals.

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tips

Rejections are the most common emotional wound we sustain in daily life. Our risk of rejection used to be limited by the size of our immediate social circle or dating pools. Today, thanks to electronic communications, social media platforms and dating apps, each of us is connected to thousands of people, any of whom might ignore our posts, chats, texts, or dating profiles, and leave us feeling rejected as a result.

In addition to these kinds of minor rejections, we are still vulnerable to serious and more devastating rejections as well. When our spouse leaves us, when we get fired from our jobs, snubbed by our friends, or ostracized by our families and communities for our lifestyle choices, the pain we feel can be absolutely paralyzing.

Whether the rejection we experience is large or small, one thing remains constant - it always hurts, and it usually hurts more than we expect it to.

The question is, why? Why are we so bothered by a good friend failing to "like" the family holiday picture we posted on Facebook? Why does it ruin our mood? Why would something so seemingly insignificant make us feel angry at our friend, moody, and bad about ourselves?

The greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further.

The answer is - our brains are wired to respond that way. When scientists placed people in functional MRI machines and asked them to recall a recent rejection, they discovered something amazing. The same areas of our brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. That's why even small rejections hurt more than we think they should, because they elicit literal (albeit, emotional) pain.

But why is our brain wired this way?

Evolutionary psychologists believe it all started when we were hunter gatherers who lived in tribes. Since we could not survive alone, being ostracized from our tribe was basically a death sentence. As a result, we developed an early warning mechanism to alert us when we were at danger of being "kicked off the island" by our tribemates - and that was rejection. People who experienced rejection as more painful were more likely to change their behavior, remain in the tribe, and pass along their genes.

Of course, emotional pain is only one of the ways rejections impact our well-being. Rejections also damage our mood and our self-esteem, they elicit swells of anger and aggression, and they destabilize our need to "belong."

Unfortunately, the greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Indeed, our natural response to being dumped by a dating partner or getting picked last for a team is not just to lick our wounds but to become intensely self-critical. We call ourselves names, lament our shortcomings, and feel disgusted with ourselves. In other words, just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further. Doing so is emotionally unhealthy and psychologically self-destructive yet every single one of us has done it at one time or another.

The good news is there are better and healthier ways to respond to rejection, things we can do to curb the unhealthy responses, soothe our emotional pain and rebuild our self-esteem. Here are just some of them:

Have Zero Tolerance for Self-Criticism

Tempting as it might be to list all your faults in the aftermath of a rejection, and natural as it might seem to chastise yourself for what you did "wrong" - don't! By all means review what happened and consider what you should do differently in the future, but there is absolutely no good reason to be punitive and self-critical while doing so. Thinking, "I should probably avoid talking about my ex on my next first date," is fine. Thinking, "I'm such a loser!" is not.

Another common mistake we make is to assume a rejection is personal when it's not. Most rejections, whether romantic, professional, and even social, are due to "fit" and circumstance. Going through an exhaustive search of your own deficiencies in an effort to understand why it didn't "work out" is not only unnecessarily but misleading.

Revive Your Self-Worth

When your self-esteem takes a hit it's important to remind yourself of what you have to offer (as opposed to listing your shortcomings). The best way to boost feelings of self-worth after a rejection is to affirm aspects of yourself you know are valuable. Make a list of five qualities you have that are important or meaningful - things that make you a good relationship prospect (e.g., you are supportive or emotionally available), a good friend (e.g., you are loyal or a good listener), or a good employee (e.g., you are responsible or have a strong work ethic). Then choose one of them and write a quick paragraph or two (write, don't just do it in your head) about why the quality matters to others, and how you would express it in the relevant situation. Applying emotional first aid in this way will boost your self-esteem, reduce your emotional pain and build your confidence going forward.

Boost Feelings of Social Connection

As social animals, we need to feel wanted and valued by the various social groups with which we are affiliated. Rejection destabilizes our need to belong, leaving us feeling unsettled and socially untethered. Therefore, we need to remind ourselves that we're appreciated and loved so we can feel more connected and grounded. If your work colleagues didn't invite you to lunch, grab a drink with members of your softball team instead. If your kid gets rejected by a friend, make a plan for them to meet a different friend instead and as soon as possible. And when a first date doesn't return your texts, call your grandparents and remind yourself that your voice alone brings joy to others.

Rejection is never easy but knowing how to limit the psychological damage it inflicts, and how to rebuild your self-esteem when it happens, will help you recover sooner and move on with confidence when it is time for your next date or social event.

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The concept of co-dependency was developed about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics.  However codependency has now expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving that developed during childhood. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior and learned from family rules and family routines.

Understanding Co-Dependency

The National Mental Health Association states that co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as "relationship addiction" because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

Codependence can be seen as a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by a person in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member's alcoholism or other addiction, sexual or other abuse within the family, or a family members' chronic illness.

Codependent people have a greater tendency to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or needy. The codependent tries to control a relationship without directly identifying and addressing his or her own needs and desires. This invariably means that codependent's set themselves up for continued lack of fulfillment. Codependent's always feel that they are acting in another person's best interest, making it difficult for them to see the controlling nature of their own behavior.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the care taking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr's role and become "benefactors" to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may "pull some strings" to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy care taking of the "benefactor." As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from "being needed." When the care taking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they're not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can't get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

Codependency advocates claim that a codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, his or her most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person. An example would be a wife making excuses for her husband's excessive drinking and perhaps running interference for him by calling in sick for him when he is hung over. Such behaviors, which may well lessen conflict and ease tension within the family in the short term, are counterproductive in the long term, since, in this case, the wife is actually supporting ("enabling") the husband's drinking behavior. So, sometimes, the codependent is referred to as an "enabler." It is also worth noting that since the wife in this case is dependent on the husband's alcoholic behavior, she may actually feel disturbed, disoriented or threatened if she sees clearly that he is emerging from his dependence; the threat to her position as a confidant and needed loved one might lead her unconsciously to resist the husband's steps towards recovery. Similarly, a codependent parent might resist his or her child's steps toward independence.

Characteristics and Symptoms of Co-Dependency

Co-dependency appears to run in different degrees. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency.  The following are some of the characteristics or symptoms of co-dependency:

controlling behavior

distrust in self and/or others

perfectionism, rigidity, and difficulty adjusting to change

avoidance of, and difficulty identifying, feelings

intimacy and boundary problems

care taking behavior often with an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

hyper vigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)

physical illness related to stress

extreme need for approval and recognition

fear of being abandoned or alone

tendency to do more than their share and to become hurt when people don't recognize their efforts

Codependence is often accompanied by depression, and anxiety as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation

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All of us feel anxious at times. Normal anxiety can help us to mobilize our resources.  However, you may be one of those individuals who feels anxious most of the time, often without any reason. Or you may have anxiety so intense that it terrifies or immobilizes you. Anxiety disorders are the most common of all the mental problems.

Understanding Anxiety

If you have an unusual amount of anxiety, this normally helpful emotion can keep you from coping and can disrupt your daily life. Excess anxiety and anxiety disorders are often related to the biological makeup and to life experiences of the individual. People often misunderstand these problems/disorders and think they should be able to overcome the symptoms by sheer willpower. This is often not possible, but there are a wide variety of treatments that can help.

There are a number of anxiety disorders.  Technically, "anxiety disorders" are those defined in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) by the American Psychiatric Association.  It is the standard classification of mental problems/disorders used by mental health professionals in the United States.

Kinds of Anxiety

If you have anxiety to the degree that it disrupts your life you are far from alone.  The majority of my clients report anxiety issues.  While there are a number of anxiety disorders, each with its own distinct features, the common factor in all of them is the anguish caused by anxiety.

Anxiety is chronic and exaggerated worry and tension.  It may be caused by a specific situation or problem (such as Agoraphobia and Social Phobia) or the anxiety may have no apparent cause. Having an anxiety disorder means that most of the time you are worrying and anticipating problems.

Anxiety is often accompanied by a variety of physical symptoms such as trembling, twitching, muscle tension, fatigue, headaches, irritability, sweating, feeling lightheaded, nausea, feeling like a lump is stuck in your throat, and difficulty concentrating. Feelings of worry, dread, lack of confidence, lack of energy, depression, a loss of interest in life, and sleep problems are common. The symptoms appear to worsen during periods of stress, even the common stresses of everyday life often aggravate anxiety.

In one form of anxiety, call a Panic Attack, you may experience sudden, unpredictable, and often unaccountable feelings of terror so extreme that you can not breathe, think you are going "out of your mind ", or feel like you are about to die or lose complete control.

Another type of anxiety, call Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the result of having experienced a traumatic life experience such as having been in an accident, experienced physical or sexual abuse, lived through events such as a earthquake or hurricane, etc.  As a result of this trauma, the person suffers future anxiety and panic over the traumatic event and may also have flashbacks.

Treatment of Anxiety Problems

You do not need to accept the disruption and pain that anxiety causes.  For the vast majority of people who come in for therapy, treatment has been shown to be very effective in reducing and eliminating anxiety and its side effect.

Anxiety can be treated with therapy, coaching, and medication. Many persons have demonstrated improvement with counseling techniques such as behavioral therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and desensitization.  Most patients with mild symptoms can be treated with supportive counseling and education without need for medication.

Other therapies including relaxation training and medication have been found to be of benefit as have regular exercise and avoidance of caffeine and alcohol.

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A person with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Is often absorbed with details, lists, order, organization, rules or schedules to such an extent that the purpose of the activity is lost and they can be perfectionist to a degree that interferes with completing the task.  The obsessions and compulsions are usually so strong that they cause significant distress in your life.

Understanding Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), as defined by the DSM 1V-TR of the American Psychiatric Association (APA), is characterized by repeated, intrusive and unwanted thoughts (obsessions) that cause anxiety.  As a result of this anxiety the person engages in ritualized behaviors (compulsions) that are designed to try to relieve this anxiety.  The obsessions and/or compulsions are usually so strong that they cause significant distress in the person's employment, schoolwork, and/or personal and social relationships.  As a response to the OCD behavior, a person may develop depression, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness, and feelings of worthlessness.

If you experience obsessions, the obsessions of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) are persistent thoughts, impulses or images that inappropriately enter your mind. These recurring thoughts and impulses cause you significant distress or anxiety and, typically, you may then engage in compulsive behavior patterns in an attempt to reduce or eliminate the distress or anxiety.  These compulsive patterns of behavior are themselves disruptive and a negative cyclical pattern of thoughts and behaviors results.

The person often tries to ignore or suppress these ideas or to neutralize them by thoughts or behavior.  The resultant thought and behavior patterns are often cyclical and can be very disruptive.  Common obsessions include fear of contamination or fear of harming someone.  Worrying about whether the stove has been turned off the stove and making repeated trips back to check, excessive hand washing, excessive cleaning, repeatedly double-checking things, and hoarding behavior are all examples of common Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder behaviors.

The compulsions associated with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) result from the person's feeling the need to repeat physical behaviors, like those mentioned above such as repeated ritualistic hand washing and hoarding behaviors. Accompanying these compulsions may be repeated mental behaviors such as counting things or silently repeating words over and over again. These behaviors occur as a response to an obsession and often are done in accordance with strictly applied rules.  The aim of these behaviors is to reduce or eliminate distress or to prevent something that is dreaded.

In one-third of obsessive-compulsive individuals, onset of the disorder occurs by the age of 15. A second peak of incidence occurs during the third decade of life. Once established, obsessive-compulsive disorder is likely to persist throughout life with varying degrees of severity. The exact cause of OCD is still unknown; however, while there is not total agreement on the cause of obsessive-compulsive behavior, recent evidence strongly suggests that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has a significant neurobiological basis.

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are Narcissists Codependent,

 

Narcissists Are Codependent, Too

Contrary to popular belief, narcissists show codependent symptoms.

Narcissists (people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and codependents are usually considered opposites, but surprisingly, though their outward behavior may differ, they share many psychological traits. In fact, narcissists exhibit core codependent symptoms of shame, denial, control, dependency (unconscious), and dysfunctional communication and boundaries, which all lead to intimacy problems. One study showed a significant correlation between narcissism and codependency.[i] Although most narcissists can be classified as codependent, the reverse isn’t true – most codependents aren’t narcissists. They don’t exhibit common traits of exploitation, entitlement, and lack of empathy.

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Dependency

Codependency is a disorder of a “lost self.” Codependents have lost their connection to their innate self. Instead, their thinking and behavior revolve around a person, substance, or process. Narcissists also suffer from a lack of connection to their true self. In its place, they’re identified with their ideal self. Their inner deprivation and lack of connection to their real self make them dependent on others for validation. Consequently, like other codependents, their self-image, thinking, and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile ego.

Ironically, despite declared high self-regard, narcissists crave recognition from others and have an insatiable need to be admired – to get their “narcissistic supply.” This makes them as dependent on recognition from others as an addict is on their addiction.

Shame

Shame is at the core of codependency and addiction. It stems from growing up in a dysfunctional family. Narcissists’ inflated self-opinion is commonly mistaken for self-love. However, exaggerated self-flattery and arrogance merely assuage unconscious, internalized shame that is common among codependents.

Children develop different ways of coping with the anxiety, insecurity, and hostility that they experience growing up in dysfunctional families. Internalized shame can result despite parents’ good intentions and lack of overt abuse. To feel safe, children adopt coping patterns that give rise to an ideal self. One strategy is to accommodate other people and seek their love, affection, and approval. Another is to seek recognition, mastery, and domination over others. Stereotypical codependents fall into the first category, and narcissists the second. They seek power and control of their environment in order to get their needs met. Their pursuit of prestige, superiority, and power helps them avoid feeling inferior, vulnerable, needy, and helpless at all costs.

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These ideals are natural human needs; however, for codependents and narcissists, they’re compulsive and thus neurotic. Additionally, we pursue our ideal self, the further we depart from our real self, which only increases our insecurity, false self, and sense of shame.

Denial

Denial is a core symptom of codependency. Codependents are generally in denial of their codependency and often their feelings and many of their needs. Similarly, narcissists deny feelings, particularly those that express vulnerability. They won’t admit to feelings of inadequacy, even to themselves. They disown and often project onto others feelings that they consider “weak,” such as longing, sadness, loneliness, shame, powerlessness, guilt, fear, and variations of them. Anger makes them feel powerful. Rage, arrogance, envy, and contempt are defenses to underlying shame.

Codependents deny their needs, especially emotional needs, which were neglected or shamed growing up. Some codependents act self-sufficient and readily put others' needs first. Other codependents are demanding of people to satisfy their needs. Narcissists also deny emotional needs. They won’t admit that they’re being demanding and needy because having needs makes them feel dependent and weak. Instead, they judge others as weak and needy. They're repelled by the very feelings they disown in themselves.

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Although narcissists don’t usually put the needs of others first, some narcissists are actually people-pleasers and can be very generous. In addition to securing the attachment of those they depend on, often their motive is for recognition or to feel superior or grandiose by virtue of the fact that they’re able to aid people who they consider inferior. Like other codependents, they may feel exploited by and resentful toward the people they help.

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Many narcissists hide behind a facade of self-sufficiency and aloofness when it comes to needs for emotional closeness, support, grieving, nurturing, and intimacy. Their quest for power protects them from experiencing the humiliation of feeling weak, sad, afraid, or wanting or needing anyone—ultimately, to avoid rejection and feeling shame. Only the threat of abandonment reveals how dependent they truly are.

Dysfunctional Boundaries

Like other codependents, narcissists have unhealthy boundaries, because theirs weren’t respected growing up. They don’t experience other people as separate but as extensions of themselves. As a result, they project thoughts and feelings onto others and blame them for their shortcomings and mistakes, all of which they cannot tolerate in themselves. Additionally, a lack of boundaries makes them thin-skinned, highly reactive, and defensive and causes them to take everything personally.

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Most codependents share these patterns of blame, reactivity, defensiveness, and taking things personally. The behavior and degree or direction of feelings might vary, but the underlying process is similar. For example, many codependents react with self-criticism, self-blame, or withdrawal, while others react with aggression or criticism and blame someone else. Yet, both behaviors are reactions to shame and demonstrate dysfunctional boundaries. (In some cases, confrontation or withdrawal might be an appropriate response, but not if it’s a habitual, compulsive reaction.)

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Dysfunctional Communication

Like other codependents, narcissists’ communication is dysfunctional. They generally lack assertiveness skills. Their communication often consists of criticism, demands, labeling, and other forms of verbal abuse. On the other hand, some narcissists intellectualize, obfuscate, and are indirect. Like other codependents, they find it difficult to identify and clearly state their feelings. Although they may express opinions and take positions more easily than other codependents, they frequently have trouble listening and are dogmatic and inflexible. These are signs of dysfunctional communication that evidence insecurity and lack of respect for the other person.

Control

Like other codependents, narcissists seek control. Control over our environment helps us to feel safe. The greater our anxiety and insecurity, the greater is our need for control. When we’re dependent on others for our security, happiness, and self-worth, what people think, say, and do become paramount to our sense of well-being and even safety. We’ll try to control them directly or indirectly with people-pleasing, lies, or manipulation. If we’re frightened or ashamed of our feelings, such as anger or grief, then we attempt to control our feelings. Other people’s anger or grief will upset us, so that they must be avoided or controlled, too.

Intimacy

Finally, the combination of all these patterns makes intimacy challenging for narcissists and codependents, alike.

 Relationships can’t thrive without clear boundaries that afford partners freedom and respect. They require that we’re autonomous, have assertive communication skills, and self-esteem.

women who live with abusive partners codependent

  Are women who live with abusive partners codependent?

By: Clare Murphy PhD – Posted in: Codependency Intimate partner abuse

Speakoutloud.net charming Clare Murphy PhDThe other day I met a social worker/counsellor at a seminar. When she found out I research domestic violence she immediately told me that women who stay with violent men are codependent. She said such women were just the same as women who live with alcoholics. She was not interested in another view because she was adamant that she was right.

According to Codependents Anonymous World Fellowship, the following are six of a long list of characteristics of codependency:

She has difficulty identifying what she is feeling

She has difficulty making decisions

She harshly judges everything she thinks, says, or does – as never “good enough”

She does not perceive herself as a lovable or worthwhile person

She puts aside her own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want

She compromises her own values and integrity to avoid rejection, or others’ anger

I have difficulty with applying the ‘codependent’ label on a woman surviving in a relationship where her male partner abuses and controls her – for the following reasons …

Victims of intimate partner abuse are not codependent

Research with women shows that the above six characteristics are an effect of experiencing long-term, ongoing, relentless abuse and control. Many male perpetrators degrade and intimidate women into believing they deserve physical violence, sexual violation, verbal abuse, or other forms of punishment.

A tactic of abuse entails brainwashing women into believing they think and feel something other than they actually do. Many domestic violence perpetrators control the decision-making. Many make women wrong for making decisions, or denigrate any decisions made by women. Many male perpetrators enslave women, making demands that she be a more than perfect housekeeper, partner, parent or woman. No human can meet those kinds of demands, hence can never be ‘good enough’. Being degraded several times a day, or several times a week, month after month after month leads to feeling unlovable and unworthy.

Changing her values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger are often consciously chosen strategies of self-preservation used by abused and controlled women. Women I have interviewed would confront the man, avoid the man, lie to get some freedom, be completely honest to try to make him stop controlling them, become violent themselves, retaliate verbally, be passive or silent. Yet these women would secretly harbour knowledge of their true selves, whilst attempting a variety of behaviours – that went against their values – in order to avoid, or stop the abuse. These are not strategies of a codependent person.

It is dangerous to give the ‘codependent’ label to victims of intimate partner abuse

Codependence implies a lack of assertion. Whereas, if a woman asserts her opinions, needs, or rights to a controlling man, he could then engage in more or worse abuse to stamp out her assertiveness. It may, therefore, be dangerous for a psychologist to coach a woman to assertively stand up to her partner. Anyone wishing to help such a woman should respect her reasoning for not asserting herself.

Codependence implies women serve others to the detriment of flourishing to her full potential. Whereas, women who want to, or do, attend tertiary schooling to improve their skills and talents, can actually experience more, or worse, abuse by their partner because he wants to ensure she does not grow. For example, a man interviewed by Eva Lundgren (1995) said, “It makes her reconsider when I lock her up in a cupboard. Then she gets scared. Give her a sense of her total dependency, that’s the only way.” Therefore, it may be dangerous for a psychotherapist to encourage a woman to go against her partner’s demands by attending school. People in the helping professions need to listen to women’s views on how detrimental to her safety such a step might be.

Codependence implies women stay with violent and otherwise abusive men because they are attracted to being abused, like it, and want it. Whereas, in reality, women engage in multiple strategies to stop the abuse, to help the man change, to protect themselves and their children, or to avoid being abused in the first place. It may be dangerous for a counsellor to encourage a woman to leave. Social workers should honour women’s knowledge about what will, and will not, keep her safe, and that might mean staying with the abuser. It definitely means that multiple services are required to support the woman’s safety, such as police, safe housing, and financial support agencies.

Blaming the victim is tantamount to abusing her

Anyone who gives the ‘codependent’ label – to anyone who is living with a man who engages in a degrading pattern of psychological abuse and control – is blaming the victim and pathologising her. This label implies the victim has behaviours that pull the abuse out of the man. Yet, Jeff Hearn’s (1998) in-depth interviews with male perpetrators shows, for example, that some men threaten suicide as a way of ensuring women do not leave them, and other men threaten to harm or kill pets, children, family, friends and/or the woman herself.

Many perpetrators of intimate partner abuse consider themselves to be the King of the Castle, the Boss, the Master who must be obeyed at all costs. Such attitudes may creep in slowly over time entrapping and disempowering their female partners. These men may also be charming, caring, protective and kind at other times. This is confusing to women. Many women spend years attempting to understand and change the man’s abusive behaviours – they do not accept abuse as their lot.

The subject of this website is domestic violence which is different to mutual abuse – it is about one person’s campaign to control the other through whatever means they find works. For example, one of the men Cavanagh and her colleagues (2001) interviewed said he “was a bit of a tactician” and that he would “more or less try to intimidate her by going quiet and staring.” This kind of intentional behaviour aimed at subservience, and at lowering a woman’s sense of self-esteem, worth and personal integrity, is a hallmark of a systematic pattern over time. A pattern that entails the male abuser refusing to take responsibility for his behaviours and entails blaming the woman, confusing her, isolating her, making her wrong and demanding respect for his position as the man. Coping with such behaviours does not make a woman codependent.

Power and control over women is a social issue

This is not about a woman being codependent by reinforcing the man’s behaviour. The need that many men have to establish and maintain authority over women is a social issue – an issue of contemporary expectations of masculinity. My research with male perpetrators shows that this is a way for certain men to avoid feeling weak, vulnerable and feminine – as not being a so-called ‘real man’ is considered inferior. Controlling a female partner is a socially sanctioned way for the man to gain social kudos. Men who control their partners know what they’re doing. Many men provoke women to do something that the man then believes will justify hitting her. For instance, a man interviewed by Cavanagh and colleagues (2001) said he’d “do anything to get an excuse” to use violence against his partner.

In sum, any psychological issues female victims experience, that resemble characteristics deemed to be codependent, are a result of incessant abuse and control by their male partners, and are reinforced by social issues that support male authority in the home and male control and possessiveness over humans and animals in the home. Women’s coping strategies should be taken seriously. Blaming women revictimises them, further isolates them and deepens their growing sense of not being good enough.

References:

Cavanagh, Kate, Dobash, R. Emerson, Dobash, Russell P. & Lewis, Ruth. (2001). ‘Remedial work’: Men’s strategic responses to their violence against intimate female partners. Sociology, 35, 695-714.

Dear, Greg. (1997). Blaming the victim: Domestic violence and the codepenedency model. Retrieved June, 2003, from http://www.aic.gov.au/publications/proceedings/27/dear.pdf

Hearn, Jeff. (1998). The Violences of Men: How Men Talk About and How Agencies Respond to Men’s Violence to Women. London: Sage

Lundgren, Eva. (1995). Feminist Theory and Violent Empiricism. Aldershot, UK: Avebury.

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Pam 19 March 2016, 5:29 am

Thank you for saying this. I agree with you. I have been seeing a counselor at the family justice center who has told me that I am codependent and suggested I read Melanie Beattie’s book Codependent No More. I did, for the second time, I read it once before a few years ago too. I didn’t think I was codependent and said so. She disagrees with me but I know I am not. You put this very well and I do appreciate that.

My husband uses many of the ways you describe to always be right whether he is or not and he has hurt me terribly. I have told him so and over the last six years have tried everything I know to get him to treat me fairly but he keeps hurting me. I have been learning a lot reading here and many other places as well as with my counselor. I like this counselor and think a lot of what she says is right but not everything. There are a couple of other things in particular that I disagree with and I am thinking about a lot of her advice. She says I should leave him and I don’t want to do that. I’m 62 years old with very limited financial resources and five dogs who are my life. I would have to leave them behind and I doubt they would do well without me, for a number of reasons. I don’t think I would be better off if I left my husband. Because of that I am taking better care of myself right here.

I have lost almost all love and certainly all respect for him.

One of my problems with him is that we are both physically disabled and in chronic pain but he does very little for himself and has left all the household work for me. I don’t make his meals anymore. I won’t bring him coffee. Other things. We haven’t made love in months and I told him I don’t want to. I don’t tell him I love him and when he says it to me I ask him to show me not tell me. Sometimes he’s almost nice. Sometimes he does do things for me. I still do most of the housework but he will do a very little if I ask…but I have to ask every single time. Then he wants a lot of praise and privilege for having done whatever it was. He puts clean dishes away sometimes for example. Sometimes he will sweep a floor (only one…) When I ask him to “help me.” He will voluntarily do some outdoor work like a little lawnmowing…what he thinks of as “manly”.

It’s not always a clear cut thing. He does have physical limitations. The harm is that so do I and he won’t try to work out ways for us to work together. He continually abdicates all responsibility and gets verbally mean when I ask him for anything more than very little. So I have gradually done less and less for him over about a year now and I plan to maintain a continued reduction.

This could be worse. In other ways it is. He makes crude jokes at my expense. He puts me down quickly anytime he feels like it. He says I’m “not right in the head.” If some small thing doesn’t go his way it’s my fault…etc. He used to do a LOT of gaslighting and other crazy making but I stopped second guessing myself and told him I know what he’s doing so he doesn’t do as much of this type if thing as he used to. Still he lies. Constantly. Anytime a lie will make him look better than the truth he just lies. I told him I know that. He lies anyway. When I catch a particular lie a lot of times I tell him what he claims isn’t true. Not always, sometimes it isn’t worth the trouble. There are lots of things on the wheel of control that he does.

I don’t just let him bully me and this has caused some fights. We aren’t having as many fights as we used to though. I have told him I can see right through him and that what he is doing is abusing me. I do treat him with normal respect unless he’s deliberately hurting me then I tell him I can’t respect what he’s doing.

It took a long time for me to get this strong and it hasn’t solved much. He does still make me cry often. It hurts. I wonder why on earth he thinks he has to do these things to me. I would have given him anything once. No more. I don’t think he realizes it but I really think he has lost more than I have because of his abuse of me. I have self respect. He only thinks he does, and he doesn’t have my love anymore. He knows it. I don’t think he will physically hurt me. He has, but only twice because I called the law. There were no broken bones or any other bodily damage. Nothing came of it but he hasn’t done it again. He told me the next day he was ashamed of himself, I think he thinks that’s an adequate apology, but I don’t agree because he didn’t tell me he was sorry he hurt me. Maybe he’s the one who can’t think straight.

He’s under the mistaken impression that he has gotten the better of me with all this abuse and bullying and attempted manipulation. He sure has caused me a lot of emotional hurting. He obviously won’t change. What I think he doesn’t get is that I have and he is losing me even with me still here.

Marie 24 October 2015, 12:35 am

This is such a well articulated article. The codependent label is such an easy and lazy out for professionals and clergy. Abusers target nice people and they brainwash them in order to distort their perceptions. I’m friends with a strong independent woman who got sucked into this mess. It doesn’t help that more blame is put on the victim for being abused. Thank you!

Elaine 20 October 2015, 7:30 am

Thank you!! I always felt like codependent was not the right tag for this situation. I know now that I was stronger than he was! I loved him and knew he was wrong. I was brought up that sons need their fathers as much as they need their mothers. So I focused on making my son’s life as good as possible. My husband was good to our son. Only later did I find out the ill effects of a son growing up in a house where his only basis for facing life and handling life’s problems is from what he learns at home from two sometimes arguing, sometimes, yelling, one sometimes threatening, name calling and stressful home life! I had friends that I finally listened to and started standing up for myself. But I lacked the confidence to handle his aggression whether verbal or emotional until years later when I realized I am an intelligent woman and did not deserve that kind of treatment. Thank you for making this clear about codependency not being the real situation!

My husband suffered a stroke after poorly controlled diabetes. He was able to return to work later but he had more respect for me because of the care I gave him. (I was an ICU/CCU nurse!) Yet he continued to withhold affection and continued mostly verbal and emotional abuse until he died 5 years ago of heart failure. It turned out he had had mini strokes and severe diabetes than I realized. My life is good now. I am healing and my son has found a wonderful woman, whom he respects and loves as much as she does him. I grieved for the man I lost gradually over 28 or so years. But I do not miss the man I lived with until he passed away. If I knew then what I know now, I might have done things differently. I would have not let the abuse start or continue!! But hindsight is always easier than foresight. I am stronger now!!

becky 11 June 2015, 1:16 am

Thank you for posting this. I really needed it as a friend called me that last week. I am better able to keep my child in safe/sanitary conditions and situations by staying. That said, I do stand up for us. When he becomes a monster we disappear. I do all I can to make sure I have some amount of resources he cannot touch. Paperless banking and keeping extra keys, legal paperwork at a friend’s house helps with accomplishing that.

Also started putting my new cell phone on video recording when he starts to get nasty for footage, or at least a sound recording of threats, etc. Someone at work showed me a thing called iSpy that will turn my laptop camera into a security camera whenever it’s on.

Beth 10 June 2015, 5:51 am

Amen to this article!

To anonymous: Yes, I too stay to protect. Your story sounds so similiar to mine I would have thought it was me except I know I didn’t type that. It’s a mother’s job to protect or sheild and sometimes that is best done by keeping your enemies close.

jan 25 March 2015, 6:56 am

I have a lovely daughter of 34. Very pretty and caring. She has had a long history of picking men that abuse and hurt her. And now, she’s with a person that has left his 5 children and wife. He met my daughter 4 months after he left his family. Still not divorced. He is hiding for the most part. 1 year together and he has hurt her and threatened to hurt and break things, pouts and yells at her. He is so charming and does things better then the others. Yet, he has a dark side. She has a chance to get some distance. The landlady is having him leave. She has a safe place to stay. Yet, now she is wavering with getting clear of him for awhile. What can I do and say. Mom

Jennie 27 July 2015, 8:17 pm

Be there for her. Share your concern for her safety/sanity, WITHOUT making her or him out to be bad. Maybe notice that she seems unhappy and share a good memory of her before him? I know those worked for me. My mom once talked to me about how free I was, how happy before I met my ex and used examples of fun times we had shared. She was very delicate in saying it to me. Talk to a DV expert about how best to approach her as well, because what worked with me might not work for anyone else.

Lisa tucker 22 January 2014, 4:23 am

I can’t believe it, finally some validation.

Anonymous 23 November 2013, 4:52 am

This has given me a real boost of confidence today. Thank you for this article! I too have been told by my therapist that I was in a sense using my spouse to satisfy some needs and that I have some codependency issues for being in a relationship like mine. Almost sounded as if I’m attracted to this mess. These abusers are very much different when you first meet them. They have the ability to fool a lot of people into thinking they’re a nice guy. If they were horrible from the start they couldn’t lure us in. Things didn’t get really bad until I was pregnant. I quit my job to stay home to care for our child. This was also at his request, as I would have been fine either way. To me, it sounds like normal give and take in a marriage. I don’t control his time or money, or need his attention/praise. He seldom does anything to help me other than pay the bills but then I’m lectured on how grateful I should be. I’m still thinking of ways I could have “used” him. Baloney! I was told by an attorney that because I have no proof of his behavior, he would be granted shared custody. No way I’m leaving my child alone in his or his family’s care. I think these counselors fail to realize that some of us stay because we’ve weighed our consequences and are doing our best to protect our children. Not because we feel we can’t live without a man. I’d be so happy if it’s just me and my kids and he left us alone! It’s almost like they’re accusing us of the abuser’s behavior. Sad that we are lucky enough to have trained professional “help”, yet we must go to the Internet for answers and to be understood.

PS to the previous poster: marriage counseling is for couples with an equal sense of power. I’ve been there, abusers will always lie and the counselors will tell you what you need to work on. Not helpful. Seek a domestic violence counselor.

KB 11 November 2012, 7:43 pm

I appreciate all this information from women who know what psychological abuse is really all about. I believe that I am in an abusive relationship and am just now starting to recognize his methods of abuse. And you are all right, it happens slowly and gets worse. And there can be long period of times where the abusive behavior remains dormant. I read Anon’s response and appreciate her letting us all know that men can go as long as a year without abusing. This fact alone makes me want to warn all of my girlfriends to date their men much longer than one year before getting married. One year still is not long enough to really know what someone is like. I believed that my abusive boyfriend was “the nicest guy I’ve ever dated” for about the first six months of our new relationship. Now, two years later, I am a “c**t”, a “slut”, and am at fault for his abusive behavior. My parents and friends desperately want me to leave. I wish I could say that I am ready. But I am not :(. However, I can honestly say that because of what I read and learn about the cycle of abuse, I am preparing myself for ultimate freedom. Thanks to all you strong women writing.

Jenny 18 August 2013, 6:57 am

Hello,

I’m leaving my relationship today as a result of a fight we had last night. I had reached a boiling point with the constant degrading comments, control, nothing I did was ever good enough and to top it off he had major trust, insecurity and privacy issues. I stood up for myself over something I had kindly spoken to him about two days prior that was really bothering me and holding us in a dark hole. Well, at least holding me there. He was always accusing me of going through his ipad, computer or phone. Had passwords on all of it, so even if I wanted to, it would be impossible.

He would control me by threats, saying if I didn’t comply with something, I had to move out because I’m so stupid, a wh***, a b****, Im going to be single and divorced like my mother. He would throw all of my stuff at the door, cut up my credit card and say I needed to be out that moment. As soon as I would say I’m leaving he would threaten me. I ended up opening up to his mother, she would help me through the situation but at the end of the day, she would only make excuses for him and was a pro at preventing the behavior. To me, it was impossible to prevent. He would blow up out of nowhere and explode. There’s been a few times where he has pushed me to the floor, grabbed my face, thrown me and last night was one of those after we just lost our beloved dog of 10yrs to cancer a week ago and we have been closer and more loving than ever. He is extremely charming, caring, thoughtful and all of the above which makes these moments so hard for me and just entraps me in a deep emotional confusion. Like, wait what happened? I know I’m lovable and a strong person but since this just happens so instantly, I’m distraught. I decided to fly to my home in a different state where my mom lives for 2 weeks before I remove all of my stuff from our condo. (He travels a lot and I can easily predict when we will be out of town). The hardest part for me is being so in love with the good person he is. The loving, caring, charming person, even though I know everything he has done wrong. It’s been the most in love I’ve ever been, it’s hard for me to accept this failure. I always believed he would get better or change. Just hours before he was being sweet, caring of my feelings and comforting. Then he heartlessly provokes me, knowing he’d hurt me, when I got upset and questioned what he meant, he ignored me, then just started to laugh. Later on, he told me nasty things, which just breaks my heart because I know he says it out of anger but I’m so tired of the disrespect. I want to feel happy and not miss him. I need a good therapist who understands everything that has been written in this site previous to mine. We had tried a therapist before but it didn’t work out, he lied to the therapist and wouldn’t admit to anything he had done. Manipulated the whole situation to control the conversation. That’s also why he is so sucessful in his business. He controls it all which is why he thinks he deserves “the boss” title which he has actually told me before and that’s how I should worship him, because any girl would die to be in my position. Anyway, I’ve made the stride to heal myself and start the process of moving on. Re-building my life, career and friends. I need someone in the Miami area who can understand how to help me cope with this and come out of this type of relationship. Any suggestions would be so helpful. Even an online therapist would be great. Thank you all.

Monica 25 August 2012, 5:54 pm

Revictimization stinks. Thank you so much for the article and your site. I whole-heartedly agree.

msk 2 August 2012, 2:56 pm

I can’t express my gratitude enough for this article. I have been in an abusive relationship for nine years and I have made my plan for escape, but there was always something that nagged me: That I stayed for so long believing it was ultimately my fault and that made me codependent. I was never that way before. I did not enter the relationship that way. I was extremely independent, intelligent, and strong. He was a stealth abuser, which grew more obvious as the years went on. He took all the money and put it in an account I had no access to and when I tried to leave he threatened to take my son and use my illness, the fibromyalgia I ended up with as a result of the abuse, as a weapon to prove I couldn’t be a good mother. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD. He never once hit me except for the time he was so drunk he couldn’t connect. But he did rape me, which i excused as one of his bad moods in attempt to survive the situation. I was petrified to try and leave again. I’d like to add that he is not the type of man people typically associate with abusers. He is college educated, charming, and owns a successful business. He is someone no one would ever expect. My situation can happen to anyone. You don’t have to be constitutionally weak to endure that behavior and it’s much more complicated than just “leaving”.

Anonymous 23 November 2013, 5:02 am

Mine was like this too, covert and very successful and educated. I also ended up being diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I’ve also never been ill as much in my life either. Then they turn it around like these are all your problems and try to convince others you’re an unfit mother. Let me guess, “you’re unfit” yet I bet he seldom took care of the children. Hope things have gotten better for you and your children.

Anon 7 July 2012, 12:57 am

It’s empowering that someone finally removed the label I never felt truly applied to me. I accept some of those codependent behaviors, but certainly not all, and the coping mechanisms I’ve used to survive almost 30 years in my abusive marriage have included becoming a flight attendant and studying martial arts, for both the escapes and self-protection. I know my worth, I am lovable, I never put aside my interests and hobbies, and he’s the only one in this relationship who believes I’ll never be ‘good enough’. He, however, has engaged in every single one of the listed abuser behaviors. Because I don’t fit the classic victim mold, my partner knows just how far he can go and no more, but I still forget sometimes because he can go a year without abusing, and then take me by surprise when my guard is down. But I’ve not only survived, I’ve thrived, I’ve done and seen everything I ever wanted to see or do in spite of him, and continue to do so. He will never change, so I need constant reminders to continue my detachment, and of what he truly is during those lengthy periods when things are ‘good’, and he’s really just ensuring his outward behavior is ‘good’ for just long enough in between episodes of abuse for me not to leave him. Thank you for spelling it all out.

H 26 June 2012, 11:57 pm

This is real watershed moment for me! Your article and website are amazing. I, too, was told by our joint therapist (after my husband had violently assaulted me) that we were both co-dependent. She, too, told me to read Co-dependent No More. I read it and identified with the ‘addict’ as my husband had a severe cocaine addiction, but I couldn’t work out why I was co-dependent. Oh how I love developing myself because so many articles I’ve read on this website resonate so deeply with me. I have recently been feeling like a fake – because even after a year’s separation – I have his voice in my head telling me that ‘you’re not a victim of abuse or violence, I only slapped you, not punched you, don’t cook it that way, where have you been, you’re 10 mins late, no I won’t look after the kids, you can’t even hack up phlegm properly with your coughing, etc.’ The list is endless. I am a strong, independent woman who could not understand what was happening to me. Why couldn’t we have a normal conversation about money, kids and us. Constantly feeling like I was butting up against a brick wall, I would argue, I would keep the peace, I would lie to just get 10 mins freedom! I’m not co-dependent, I’ve been abused mentally for years and now – here I am – still learning, still growing and scared stiff that I’ll end up like this again! This article is amazing, as are the others. I will get there – I know I will, and I know I can too!

Kris 22 June 2012, 7:05 pm

Seems to me that professionals who don’t understand domestic abuse conclude (wrongly) that there must be something wrong in the victim to enable such behavior. If someone holds a gun to your head, you can do nothing but comply to survive. They can’t believe that a person can be so cruel to put a gun to your head and there’s nothing you can do about it, because it makes this world a very unsafe one and they can’t cope with how powerless that makes you feel, so in order to avert that thought, they theorize that the victim must have some pathological issues. This fallacy is also known as the Just World Fallacy.

Sarah 27 October 2011, 4:38 pm

Thank you for posting this wonderful article. I am in an abusive relationship and a counselor labeled me co-dependent but I can identify with everything in your article. Sick and tired of people judging me telling me everything is my fault . . . If you don’t get out it’s your fault . . . If you don’t get a job it’s your fault . . . etc., etc.

Kooki 15 March 2011, 8:01 am

Hello, I really appreciate all of you pointing out the wrong terms of language that actually disempower abused women instead of empower them. “Co-dependents”, doormats”, etc. are words that essentially devalue the abused woman and place her as weak and inadequate.

Having just left a highly abusive relationship where the psychological abuse was horrendous but extremely covert and insidious (now I know what “gaslighting” is…), it’s very unhelpful for all of us to hear institutional words that somehow belittle us as women who are not capable of taking care of ourselves and/or who are weak and ineffectual.

Abuse can be so insidious that many psychologically and emotionally abused women have no idea what is going on and they need help to recognize those patterns. Sometimes, it takes time on the part of the woman to “see” what is going on.

I know one of the ways that my partner would abuse me is that he would do things and say things and then immediately say that he was “joking” in order to deflect attention from the abusive behavior. Once though, the “joking” behavior was actually physically choking me.

I know for myself that I will never go back to my abusive partner, because it took me one year to realize that going back to him means destruction for me.

elsa 14 May 2010, 10:12 am

Your article is a god send. I’ve always thought that the co-dependence thing had something wrong with it. In fact I recently escaped from my extremely abusive husband (I’m convinced he is a psychopath). And now I live with a fear for my life. He is trying to reconnect says he is sorry, but I don’t buy it especially because before I left he threatened to kill me (in fact several times). Through the marriage, I always fought back aagainst the abuse making use of the many tactics you mention in your article. The abuse always escalated after that. Indeed as you mention, the extreme escalation of abuse is a means to prevent any more ‘rebelions’ from occurring. In fact I started to play passive when I knew I couldnt live like this anymore and I had emotionally detached my self from him and started to plan the escape.

Thank you for this article. Abused women fighting for their survival and sanity are not doormats, in fact we are heroes.

Barbara 1 April 2010, 2:17 pm

Thank you Thank you!!! Codependence does NOT happen in abusive relationships…

Clare 14 April 2010, 12:19 am

Check out the blog I wrote that discusses the difference between using language to describe the effects and impact of psychological abuse and control versus the language to describe women’s multiple strategies of resisting abuse and control. Check the blog post titled “Language women should use in the Family Court”. . . This post further addresses the fact that women who live with a man who psychologically controls them are not codependent. . . Clare

RR 17 February 2010, 9:40 pm

Clare,

Thank you for this wonderfully articulate and necessary article. As a professional in the field of mental health and as a woman struggling with the recovery and healing process due to being in a psychologically abusive relationship, I fully identify with your argument against labeling women in psychologically abusive relationships as “codependent.” One time, while in therapy with my ex, the therapist suggested that I read the book “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Taking Care of Yourself.” Although, it was interesting, it was basically unhelpful in helping me understand or recover from the aftermath of a psychologically abusive relationship. I have never had difficulty identifying my emotions, as evidenced by millions of statements to my ex, friends, and family, such as “I am so confused; I feel so powerless; I feel insulted and invisible.” No, no problem there. The only thing that I was not able to identify, especially in the beginning stages of the relationship, was why I was feeling the way I was feeling. The abuse was so insidious that I could never put my finger on the illusive and ambient hostility that lurked just beneath the surface of every interaction with my ex.

The only decision that I had difficulty in making was leaving vs. staying, which has many psychological, behavioral, and even neurological explanations; nothing to do with codependency.

Because I do believe I am lovable and worthwhile, I consistently asserted myself in asking for decent treatment, respect, and equality. In fact, my ex once stated while we were in therapy, that one of the things that attracted him to me was that “she doesn’t put up with anyone’s shit.”

“Codependent” seems to be a contagious “go-to” term for women nowadays, as if it is the operational definition of the female’s dysfunction in relationships. Therapists throw the term around way too casually, often losing sight of what other explanations there may be, especially if the client is unaware of the abusive tactics that her partner is using.

Again, thank you for discussing such misinformed and pivotal topic! I hope that the basis of your article is far-reaching enough to make a difference.

Cara Lopez Lee 15 November 2009, 11:07 am

Clare,

You have wonderfully captured what I have been instinctively trying to communicate to other women for years! Thank you for sharing this important point of view.

I remember, when I was a reporter in Alaska, my news director once asked me to write a story about “Why women stay with abusive men.” I was furious that he expected me to ask such a stupid question. Everyone in the newsroom tried to give him a few of the more obvious possibilities: economic necessity, love, children, fear of violent reprisals, etc. He wasn’t buying any of it. He just couldn’t understand why a rational person wouldn’t just leave.

I told him that I thought it was disrespectful to abused women to ask the question in that way, and I didn’t want to do the story. He said if I didn’t do it, he’d send me home for the day with a formal reprimand, and have another woman on the staff do it, someone who always followed his orders without question. At the time, I thought, oh, if I leave the story to her, she’ll just roll over and do it the way he wants, and it will even be worse. So I stayed. Today, I would have stood my ground and gone home, and understood that I was not responsible for the consequences – he was.

I’m sure you can see the irony of my boss abusing power and control to get me to do the story.

When I interviewed a couple of people from a local shelter for abused women, and I asked the dreaded question that my news director insisted I should ask, one of them said, and I paraphrase, “It’s a common question, but I think we people need to realize that we’re asking the wrong question. We should not be asking why women stay with abusive men. We should ask why these men are abusing women.” The person who said this was a man, by the way. I included his comment in my story, and luckily my news director saw reason and let me keep it. I hope he learned something.

I’ve never forgotten those words. “We’re asking the wrong question.”

I’ve always been an educated, outspoken, assertive, independent woman with strong self-esteem. I have even done a lot of solo travel in foreign countries. But all this independence did not stop me from becoming a victim of abusive men as an adult woman. In fact, as you know, frequently the more assertive the woman, the worse the abuse. And I think we can’t remind people often enough of this basic statistic: it is when women try to break free and leave their abusers that they are most likely to be killed. Not just abused, but murdered. Luckily, I have never been in a situation quite that out-of-control. But I know women who have, and most of them were educated, assertive women with a strong self-image. None of them believed they deserved what was happening to them. They just wanted to figure out how to make it stop.

I told a woman once that I was worried I might be co-dependent, because I ended up in so many relationships with abusive men. She suggested I not look at it that way, and reminded me that I had never stayed in those relationships for very long. I had walked away. This was not the behavior of a co-dependent person.

I’m now married to a wonderful man, who treats me as an equal partner. We have a peaceful, respectful, loving relationship that is free of fear or humiliation. No codependency here. And I know you’re right: there never was.