Relationship and Marriage Problems
Relating to, and/or being intimate with, another person can be very satisfying and can help us establish and maintain good mental health. At other times these relationships can be very difficult and destructive.
Relationship Problems
Most people, probably like you, are managing many relationships on an ongoing basis--relationships with a loved one, with children, other family members, friends, work relationships, and a romantic relationship. Each of these relationships can be a source of love, pleasure, support and excitement; however they can also be a source of grief and anguish if they are heading in an unhealthy direction. Each of our relationships has its demands and potential problems and each has the potential to influence the way we feel at any given time.
Regardless of the cause, distress in a relationship can lead to many problems including codependency, loneliness, stress, fear, depression and anxiety just to mention a few. If you are having ongoing problems in any of your relationships, there is help available. The earlier you seek help the better since an earlier, rather than later, intervention will prevent the problem(s) from getting worse.
Relationship problems sometimes arise because we never learned what to do or not to do, or problems arise because we have lost touch with our instinctive good sense and have become over-anxious about the relationship. Maybe you have lost your own self-respect and sense of our personal worth, or have had unfortunate experiences in past relationships and have temporarily lost your ability to trust, or maybe you have unrealistic expectations about what you should be getting from, or giving to, a relationship.
Helpful Tips Regarding Relationship Issues
Here are some helpful things to keep in mind when you have a relationship problem:
· People are in relationships with one another for all kinds of reasons. While most of the time it's our closest relationships that cause us the most stress, even the most casual relationships with others can affect the way we feel about a situation or about ourselves. Understanding your own role in a relationship, learning to sustain healthy relationships, and choosing to end (or not enter) unhealthy ones, are skills that can be learned but often take time and practice.
· There are two sides in every relationship. When things are going poorly, remember that the other person has his or her own story about what is happening, and that story makes sense to him or her too. Resolving a relationship problem frequently requires each person coming to understand the other's perspective and, whenever possible, doing what it takes to bring the relationship back into a respectful balance.
· People in successful relationships need to accept individual differences and not try to force others to be someone they are not.
· People need to get rid of the expectation that someone else will solve all our problems or meet all our need. No one relationship can give you everything that you need. Likewise, you cannot be the sole support for someone else. It takes some careful balancing to manage multiple relationships in a healthy manner.
· Get clear about what you believe the problem to be. Sometimes a person is not sure why they are upset, but know something is wrong or is missing.
· Each person in the relationship has their own set of needs, dreams, expectations and goals which they need to be aware of, and need to be able to express to others. Unstated expectations can be problematic. People in relationship (e.g. friends, lovers, partners, parents, and children) often have different ideas about what the nature of the relationship is, or different expectations about what it takes to keep it healthy. It is better to know where the differences of opinion, expectations, or needs are, rather than to operate on inaccurate assumptions.
· A successful relationship needs to focus on the present and not repeatedly pick over past events or focus on unrealistic future events.
· Asking for help is okay, and sometimes necessary. If a relationship is valuable and you are having difficulty finding a solution, ask for help.
No matter the cause, distress in a relationship can lead to many problems including codependency, stress, unhappiness, depression, fear, and anxiety. You may hope your relationship troubles just go away on their own, but a troubled relationship may only worsen.
Treatment of Relationship Problems
In helping my clients I have found that there are many treatment strategies available to help a person, couple, or family who is having relationship problems. These strategies include individual psychotherapy, counseling, personal coaching, mediation, couples counseling, and family therapy. All of these strategies can help resolve conflicts, help heal wounds, and put a relationship back on a healthy track and help keep it positive.
Tackling problems early is important since the longer a problem is left unresolved, the harder it usually is to resolve. Improving a relationship can start with the individual and, if possible, extend to the other person(s) in the relationship. If at least one person is clear and reasoned about what they want and more consistent about how they ask for it, the whole relationship can begin to be put on a healthier foundation.
In romantic and intimate relationships, working with both partners may be necessary. You and your significant other need to understand that each of you have your own set of needs, expectations, hopes and dreams. You need to be aware of these and be able to express them to each other. Unstated expectations can be a real problem. You and your partner may have different ideas about what the nature of your relationship is and different thoughts and feelings regarding what it takes to keep the relationship active and healthy.
Marriage or couples counseling can help you rebuild and strengthen your relationship. Or the counseling may help you decide that you both will be better off if you drastically alter or end the relationship. Couples, marriage, and family counseling can give you the tools to communicate better, negotiate differences, problem solve, love and even argue in a healthier way.
I have been able to help my clients change, rebuild, and strengthen their relationships with loved ones or help them to determine if they should end the relationship. Couples, marriage, family and individual counseling can give you the understanding, tools and techniques to communicate better, negotiate differences, solve problems, love and even fight in a healthier way. Asking for help is often difficult but sometimes necessary. If a relationship is valuable and you are having difficulty, help can be just a call away.
Treatment can be short term, often helping you in only a few sessions to get through a crises or specific problem, or you may need counseling over a longer period of time, particularly if your relationship has greatly deteriorated.
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Rejection, and the fear of being rejected, ranks among the most potent and distressing of every day events that people experience.
Understanding Rejection
Emotional rejection is the feeling a person experiences when disappointed about not achieving something desired. It is commonly experienced in a quest of emotional relations, such as among romantic couples, in social and group settings, or in the professional world in relation to advancement.
Interpersonal rejection ranks among the most potent and distressing events that people experience. Rejection by a loved one, a romantic relationship, ostracism, stigmatization, job termination, and other kinds of rejections have the power to compromise the quality of a person's life. As a result, people are highly motivated to avoid social rejection, and, indeed, much of human behavior appears to be designed to avoid such experiences.
The act of rejection can make the person experiencing it undergo a sudden drop in positive emotion. This is displayed as something ranging from a vague disappointment, sadness, and depression, to anxiety, phobic behavior, or even stalking or forcibly abducting the rejecting person.
When an act of physical violence is thrust upon a person, the first reaction is to protect your self. The hands go up and cover the face or vital areas; the upper body leans away in order to retreat from the pain that is being inflected. It is almost as if there is a force pulling the body away from the impending danger.
When we are hurt emotionally the same reaction occurs internally; our mental and emotional states are looking to move away from the hurtful person or situation, just as a person under attack. These are responses of defense and the subconscious mind does not differentiate between physical and emotional pain, as both can hurt us. If someone insults you or behaves in a way that violates your personal emotional boundaries, the feeling of hurt may be appropriate. When we experience enough situations of hurt, we feel we have to protect our self from further hurt. This is neither wrong or right, it is a matter of whether the response suites your needs.
The desire for acceptance, the opposite of rejection, is a driving force that keeps many people from being an authentic human being. They are so driven by the need for acceptance of others that they lose their own identity in the process. They mimic the ways in which others act, dress, talk, think, believe, and function. Acceptance is the underlying process in the power of peer pressure and is what causes young people and older people alike to fixate on pop-culture, counter culture, punk, new wave, preppie, yuppie, and other styles. They crave recognition and acceptance from the reference group with whom they want to be identified.
People who operate out of a fear of rejection often display little or no assertiveness, they do not speak up and let others know how they feel about something, especially if their opinions differ. They lack the courage to function differently from others, even when they don't enjoy the behavior in which they are involved. They will often keep their personal feelings hidden from others and too often from themselves.
For too many people the fear of rejection and the desire for acceptance are the main motivating forces for all actions in their lives. It plays a part in their choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior, achievement level, interpersonal and marital relationships, family and community life, and the ways in which they spend leisure time. The person who operates out of a fear of rejection all too often ends up pushing away the very friends, family, and helpers who care the most. The pulling away of these caring ones appears to be rejection, and the vicious cycle goes on with negative results.
Causes
The causes of fear of rejection can range from such things as having a physical condition that the person believes makes them unattractive to others, being rejected as a child, or having been abandoned or unloved. The person may have had a traumatic experience of rejection that deeply scarred them, they may have never been exposed to healthy ways of dealing with conflict or disagreement, or they may lack a healthy self-concept, sense of self-worth or positive self-esteem.
But regardless of the cause, it can create real problems in the "here and now". Fear of rejection can lead to codependent, clingy, obsessive, jealous, or angry behavior in relationships. It can make you drive others away from you. It can cause you to reject others to avoid being rejected yourself. Overall a fear of rejection can result in a very damaging pattern of emotion and behavior that can cause real hurt to relationships and your enjoyment life in general.
Fear of rejection and the unhealthy behavior patterns that develop as a result of this fear are very responsive to psychotherapy and a wide variety of therapeutic approaches used by psychologists and other mental health professionals.
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tips
Rejections are the most common emotional wound we sustain in daily life. Our risk of rejection used to be limited by the size of our immediate social circle or dating pools. Today, thanks to electronic communications, social media platforms and dating apps, each of us is connected to thousands of people, any of whom might ignore our posts, chats, texts, or dating profiles, and leave us feeling rejected as a result.
In addition to these kinds of minor rejections, we are still vulnerable to serious and more devastating rejections as well. When our spouse leaves us, when we get fired from our jobs, snubbed by our friends, or ostracized by our families and communities for our lifestyle choices, the pain we feel can be absolutely paralyzing.
Whether the rejection we experience is large or small, one thing remains constant - it always hurts, and it usually hurts more than we expect it to.
The question is, why? Why are we so bothered by a good friend failing to "like" the family holiday picture we posted on Facebook? Why does it ruin our mood? Why would something so seemingly insignificant make us feel angry at our friend, moody, and bad about ourselves?
The greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further.
The answer is - our brains are wired to respond that way. When scientists placed people in functional MRI machines and asked them to recall a recent rejection, they discovered something amazing. The same areas of our brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. That's why even small rejections hurt more than we think they should, because they elicit literal (albeit, emotional) pain.
But why is our brain wired this way?
Evolutionary psychologists believe it all started when we were hunter gatherers who lived in tribes. Since we could not survive alone, being ostracized from our tribe was basically a death sentence. As a result, we developed an early warning mechanism to alert us when we were at danger of being "kicked off the island" by our tribemates - and that was rejection. People who experienced rejection as more painful were more likely to change their behavior, remain in the tribe, and pass along their genes.
Of course, emotional pain is only one of the ways rejections impact our well-being. Rejections also damage our mood and our self-esteem, they elicit swells of anger and aggression, and they destabilize our need to "belong."
Unfortunately, the greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Indeed, our natural response to being dumped by a dating partner or getting picked last for a team is not just to lick our wounds but to become intensely self-critical. We call ourselves names, lament our shortcomings, and feel disgusted with ourselves. In other words, just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further. Doing so is emotionally unhealthy and psychologically self-destructive yet every single one of us has done it at one time or another.
The good news is there are better and healthier ways to respond to rejection, things we can do to curb the unhealthy responses, soothe our emotional pain and rebuild our self-esteem. Here are just some of them:
Have Zero Tolerance for Self-Criticism
Tempting as it might be to list all your faults in the aftermath of a rejection, and natural as it might seem to chastise yourself for what you did "wrong" - don't! By all means review what happened and consider what you should do differently in the future, but there is absolutely no good reason to be punitive and self-critical while doing so. Thinking, "I should probably avoid talking about my ex on my next first date," is fine. Thinking, "I'm such a loser!" is not.
Another common mistake we make is to assume a rejection is personal when it's not. Most rejections, whether romantic, professional, and even social, are due to "fit" and circumstance. Going through an exhaustive search of your own deficiencies in an effort to understand why it didn't "work out" is not only unnecessarily but misleading.
Revive Your Self-Worth
When your self-esteem takes a hit it's important to remind yourself of what you have to offer (as opposed to listing your shortcomings). The best way to boost feelings of self-worth after a rejection is to affirm aspects of yourself you know are valuable. Make a list of five qualities you have that are important or meaningful - things that make you a good relationship prospect (e.g., you are supportive or emotionally available), a good friend (e.g., you are loyal or a good listener), or a good employee (e.g., you are responsible or have a strong work ethic). Then choose one of them and write a quick paragraph or two (write, don't just do it in your head) about why the quality matters to others, and how you would express it in the relevant situation. Applying emotional first aid in this way will boost your self-esteem, reduce your emotional pain and build your confidence going forward.
Boost Feelings of Social Connection
As social animals, we need to feel wanted and valued by the various social groups with which we are affiliated. Rejection destabilizes our need to belong, leaving us feeling unsettled and socially untethered. Therefore, we need to remind ourselves that we're appreciated and loved so we can feel more connected and grounded. If your work colleagues didn't invite you to lunch, grab a drink with members of your softball team instead. If your kid gets rejected by a friend, make a plan for them to meet a different friend instead and as soon as possible. And when a first date doesn't return your texts, call your grandparents and remind yourself that your voice alone brings joy to others.
Rejection is never easy but knowing how to limit the psychological damage it inflicts, and how to rebuild your self-esteem when it happens, will help you recover sooner and move on with confidence when it is time for your next date or social event.
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The concept of co-dependency was developed about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. However codependency has now expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving that developed during childhood. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior and learned from family rules and family routines.
Understanding Co-Dependency
The National Mental Health Association states that co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as "relationship addiction" because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.
Codependence can be seen as a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by a person in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member's alcoholism or other addiction, sexual or other abuse within the family, or a family members' chronic illness.
Codependent people have a greater tendency to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or needy. The codependent tries to control a relationship without directly identifying and addressing his or her own needs and desires. This invariably means that codependent's set themselves up for continued lack of fulfillment. Codependent's always feel that they are acting in another person's best interest, making it difficult for them to see the controlling nature of their own behavior.
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the care taking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr's role and become "benefactors" to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may "pull some strings" to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy care taking of the "benefactor." As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from "being needed." When the care taking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they're not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can't get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
Codependency advocates claim that a codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, his or her most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person. An example would be a wife making excuses for her husband's excessive drinking and perhaps running interference for him by calling in sick for him when he is hung over. Such behaviors, which may well lessen conflict and ease tension within the family in the short term, are counterproductive in the long term, since, in this case, the wife is actually supporting ("enabling") the husband's drinking behavior. So, sometimes, the codependent is referred to as an "enabler." It is also worth noting that since the wife in this case is dependent on the husband's alcoholic behavior, she may actually feel disturbed, disoriented or threatened if she sees clearly that he is emerging from his dependence; the threat to her position as a confidant and needed loved one might lead her unconsciously to resist the husband's steps towards recovery. Similarly, a codependent parent might resist his or her child's steps toward independence.
Characteristics and Symptoms of Co-Dependency
Co-dependency appears to run in different degrees. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency. The following are some of the characteristics or symptoms of co-dependency:
controlling behavior
distrust in self and/or others
perfectionism, rigidity, and difficulty adjusting to change
avoidance of, and difficulty identifying, feelings
intimacy and boundary problems
care taking behavior often with an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
hyper vigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
physical illness related to stress
extreme need for approval and recognition
fear of being abandoned or alone
tendency to do more than their share and to become hurt when people don't recognize their efforts
Codependence is often accompanied by depression, and anxiety as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation
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All of us feel anxious at times. Normal anxiety can help us to mobilize our resources. However, you may be one of those individuals who feels anxious most of the time, often without any reason. Or you may have anxiety so intense that it terrifies or immobilizes you. Anxiety disorders are the most common of all the mental problems.
Understanding Anxiety
If you have an unusual amount of anxiety, this normally helpful emotion can keep you from coping and can disrupt your daily life. Excess anxiety and anxiety disorders are often related to the biological makeup and to life experiences of the individual. People often misunderstand these problems/disorders and think they should be able to overcome the symptoms by sheer willpower. This is often not possible, but there are a wide variety of treatments that can help.
There are a number of anxiety disorders. Technically, "anxiety disorders" are those defined in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) by the American Psychiatric Association. It is the standard classification of mental problems/disorders used by mental health professionals in the United States.
Kinds of Anxiety
If you have anxiety to the degree that it disrupts your life you are far from alone. The majority of my clients report anxiety issues. While there are a number of anxiety disorders, each with its own distinct features, the common factor in all of them is the anguish caused by anxiety.
Anxiety is chronic and exaggerated worry and tension. It may be caused by a specific situation or problem (such as Agoraphobia and Social Phobia) or the anxiety may have no apparent cause. Having an anxiety disorder means that most of the time you are worrying and anticipating problems.
Anxiety is often accompanied by a variety of physical symptoms such as trembling, twitching, muscle tension, fatigue, headaches, irritability, sweating, feeling lightheaded, nausea, feeling like a lump is stuck in your throat, and difficulty concentrating. Feelings of worry, dread, lack of confidence, lack of energy, depression, a loss of interest in life, and sleep problems are common. The symptoms appear to worsen during periods of stress, even the common stresses of everyday life often aggravate anxiety.
In one form of anxiety, call a Panic Attack, you may experience sudden, unpredictable, and often unaccountable feelings of terror so extreme that you can not breathe, think you are going "out of your mind ", or feel like you are about to die or lose complete control.
Another type of anxiety, call Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the result of having experienced a traumatic life experience such as having been in an accident, experienced physical or sexual abuse, lived through events such as a earthquake or hurricane, etc. As a result of this trauma, the person suffers future anxiety and panic over the traumatic event and may also have flashbacks.
Treatment of Anxiety Problems
You do not need to accept the disruption and pain that anxiety causes. For the vast majority of people who come in for therapy, treatment has been shown to be very effective in reducing and eliminating anxiety and its side effect.
Anxiety can be treated with therapy, coaching, and medication. Many persons have demonstrated improvement with counseling techniques such as behavioral therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and desensitization. Most patients with mild symptoms can be treated with supportive counseling and education without need for medication.
Other therapies including relaxation training and medication have been found to be of benefit as have regular exercise and avoidance of caffeine and alcohol.
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A person with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Is often absorbed with details, lists, order, organization, rules or schedules to such an extent that the purpose of the activity is lost and they can be perfectionist to a degree that interferes with completing the task. The obsessions and compulsions are usually so strong that they cause significant distress in your life.
Understanding Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), as defined by the DSM 1V-TR of the American Psychiatric Association (APA), is characterized by repeated, intrusive and unwanted thoughts (obsessions) that cause anxiety. As a result of this anxiety the person engages in ritualized behaviors (compulsions) that are designed to try to relieve this anxiety. The obsessions and/or compulsions are usually so strong that they cause significant distress in the person's employment, schoolwork, and/or personal and social relationships. As a response to the OCD behavior, a person may develop depression, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness, and feelings of worthlessness.
If you experience obsessions, the obsessions of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) are persistent thoughts, impulses or images that inappropriately enter your mind. These recurring thoughts and impulses cause you significant distress or anxiety and, typically, you may then engage in compulsive behavior patterns in an attempt to reduce or eliminate the distress or anxiety. These compulsive patterns of behavior are themselves disruptive and a negative cyclical pattern of thoughts and behaviors results.
The person often tries to ignore or suppress these ideas or to neutralize them by thoughts or behavior. The resultant thought and behavior patterns are often cyclical and can be very disruptive. Common obsessions include fear of contamination or fear of harming someone. Worrying about whether the stove has been turned off the stove and making repeated trips back to check, excessive hand washing, excessive cleaning, repeatedly double-checking things, and hoarding behavior are all examples of common Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder behaviors.
The compulsions associated with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) result from the person's feeling the need to repeat physical behaviors, like those mentioned above such as repeated ritualistic hand washing and hoarding behaviors. Accompanying these compulsions may be repeated mental behaviors such as counting things or silently repeating words over and over again. These behaviors occur as a response to an obsession and often are done in accordance with strictly applied rules. The aim of these behaviors is to reduce or eliminate distress or to prevent something that is dreaded.
In one-third of obsessive-compulsive individuals, onset of the disorder occurs by the age of 15. A second peak of incidence occurs during the third decade of life. Once established, obsessive-compulsive disorder is likely to persist throughout life with varying degrees of severity. The exact cause of OCD is still unknown; however, while there is not total agreement on the cause of obsessive-compulsive behavior, recent evidence strongly suggests that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has a significant neurobiological basis.
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