Psychology : intimacy fear

I hear it all the time from my single friends; I used to hear it from myself too until I finally figured out what was going on with me. Itâ€™s part of what makes us human â€“ weâ€™re wired for connection, after all â€“ and itâ€™s why weâ€™re here. Itâ€™s what drives the growth of internet dating, and meet ups, and matchmaking and blind dates.

â€œI just really want a relationshipâ€

But do you?

There is a real pattern of behaviour that suggests that whilst people may want a â€˜relationshipâ€™, what they most certainly do not want is intimacy. Despite dating, and having â€˜relationshipsâ€™, there is certain behaviour that sabotages this and prevents any real hope of being known and knowing someone else.

I define intimacy as â€˜truly knowing someone, and allowing them to know youâ€™. You can be intimate with others, with yourself (how well do you really know yourself?) and also with God or a higher power if thatâ€™s your thing. To know and be known requires openness and vulnerability â€“ but at the same time appropriate boundaries. It is a dance to decide when and what to let in and out. It is of course shades of grey (pun definitely intended), and not always obvious. there is physical intimacy, both sexual and affectionate, as well as emotional and intellectual. How we listen and talk about ourselves and our needs are critical in developing intimacy. It doesnâ€™t just apply to romantic relationships either.

If you are single, you can start cultivating a habit of intimacy with friends and relations, learning when to talk, to listen; when to touch; how to share your story and your needs. Some of my best friendships, both male and female, are because we created a safe space in which we could intimately share our needs and desires, our fears. Whereas I have been in many romantic relationships which were based on banter, sex and drinking. Fun maybe, but not remotely intimate.

Plus of course, there are very many long term relationships out there, which are completely free of intimacy, where one or both parties are incredibly lonely. There is no lonelier place than not being known in a relationship.

So what might you be doing to prevent intimacy from developing? Well, it happens even before youâ€™ve started dating:-

The One â€“ This is where it starts, this pernicious, nonsensical delusion that out there in the universe lies our one and only true soulmate. Iâ€™m going to say this in big letters now in case of any mis-understandings:

â€˜THE ONEâ€™ DOES NOT EXIST.

Going through life looking for â€˜The Oneâ€™ pretty much stops any intimacy in its tracks. There is only ever â€˜The One Right Nowâ€™. That girl youâ€™re dating, who you tell all your friends â€œSheâ€™s not the one, but sheâ€™ll do for nowâ€? Well, she is The One because thatâ€™s the one you are with right now. When we believe weâ€™re not with the The One, we think â€œwhy bother getting to know himâ€. We prevent intimacy from developing by not allowing them to know us, or us them. We either continue seeing them (we donâ€™t want to be alone, or whatever) or we break up with them.

We have never developed any intimacy and we do not truly know this person. And without allowing intimacy to develop, without knowing them, or them knowing you, you really are in no position to judge if someone is right for you. throughout your life, you could be intimate with, and in relationship with, many lovely, wonderful, beautiful people.

How fabulous is that? Why limit yourself to The One? How about The Many?

The Checklist â€“ Letâ€™s be honest here. Who has a type? Blonde? Athletic? Must be good at banter? I used to have a ridiculously long list of things â€œI was looking for in a manâ€ (the word â€˜kindâ€™ appeared an embarrassingly long way down the list). So whatâ€™s wrong with criteria or being specific in the kind of people we want to be in a relationship with? Well, everyone you meet you are judging according to these criteria. It might not be conscious, but comparing and judging is what you are doing. When we judge, we donâ€™t give the other person the chance to be known, as they are.

Intimacy cannot develop if we do not allow ourselves to be known â€“ and to know others. This is the cornerstone of intimacy, and in checking off against a list, you have already sabotaged it. It feeds into the â€˜why botherâ€™ scenario similar to The One (you also cannot believe in The One and not have some kind of sub conscious checklist hidden away).

Like belief in The One, checklists keep our hearts closed and our walls up; we are not open to getting to know people who donâ€™t come up to measure. Not only does this prevent intimacy, it can also prevent a very real lovely relationship right now with someone you may have written off. Put the checklist in the trash RIGHT NOW and never look at it again. Practice talking to and meeting people you would never normally consider; maybe even go on a date with some of them. I am not saying sleep with them, or have a long term relationship with them, but perhaps just start to open your heart with a conversation.

The Knight in Shining Armour â€“ A friend of mine regularly utters sentences such as â€˜my life will be so much better when I have a girlfriendâ€. , when you believe such statements, when you think that someone is going to ride magically into your life and rescue you, you give up a lot of personal power to this person. Whilst this is unhelpful in itself, it also prevents intimacy through not allowing you to be known. When you relinquish power, you operate from a position of fear: what if they go off me? What if they donâ€™t like what Iâ€™m wearing? What if we donâ€™t agree on everything? You then start to control how far youâ€™re willing to let them know you, you start to hide things. This smacks intimacy right in the face with a boundary like a wall. At the same time, you may also cling to your partner. Your reliance on them, now that youâ€™ve given them all your power, means that you now communicate your needs with no thought of boundaries. No consideration for how they may not want to, or be able to, take on all your needs. This destroys intimacy by pushing your partner away. Belief in the Knight in Shining Armour is a contract you make with the partner who plays this role: I need you to look after me and all will be well. Love and intimacy are not about contracts. They are about knowing and nothing prevents knowing like fear and powerlessness. Pia Mellody calls this belief in being rescued â€˜Love Addictionâ€™; it is a â€œdis-easeâ€ stemming from childhood trauma and it precludes any attempt at real intimacy.

The Serial Dater â€“ if intimacy is knowing others and being known, then it makes sense that this takes time to develop. It requires an intention to know someone. This means you have to spend considerable time with someone, to allow trust to build up, to be able to open up and be vulnerable.

Internet dating is particularly good at allowing intimacy avoidance.

itâ€™s got a built in Intimacy Destroying Function that is all too easy to use if youâ€™re not mindful and intentional about getting to know people â€“ and being known. Proceed with caution and an open heart.

walls and Spewing â€“ developing intimacy isnâ€™t open heart surgery, despite all the calls for open heartedness. You are not required to lay yourself bare immediately, without an anaesthetic â€“ although that may come with time, when trust and tolerance for vulnerability have been built up. Even then, intimacy absolutely requires boundaries. We use boundaries to keep us safe during the process of opening up to one another. How much to give, to let in, to share; about our body, our thoughts and feelings, at any given point in time. Boundaries will be different throughout the stages of a relationship and on any given day. Cultivation of your own boundaries is essential in letting people know you, and in knowing others; it builds your Safe Container, in Angry speak. As I was taught in .

Similarly, we also know people who seem to live behind a wall. They may reside there permanently, or perhaps they withdraw behind it in time of conflict or difficulty. My tolerance of conflict is not great, and if someone comes at me I will withdraw, or run away. My dad was similar, and I know many men who operate in this way. Having someone leave the room physically or energetically when you are trying to communicate your needs makes intimacy very difficult. As the requestor, you can moderate how you ask your request so as not to scare off the conflict avoider. As conflict avoider, you need to work on increasing your tolerance of difficult situations. Intimacy will struggle to flourish without this work.

Banter â€“ A friend who recently got married confided that one of the things he loved about his new wife was their banter; that when they were old aged pensioners, maybe in a home or sick, he was hopeful that at least they would be able to make each other laugh. And heâ€™s right. Being able to laugh, share a sense of humour, flirt, and be playful and light with someone is an important element in a relationship.

However, banter is also a really useful device for hiding your true self. I cannot tell you the number of dates or dinners Iâ€™ve sat through where I have wanted to take the conversation in a different direction, to start to get under someoneâ€™s covers. Not so much with a serious discussion, but maybe encouraging them to tell me part of their story: college days, or travelling for example. Only to be met with a series of jokes or quips; or some sarcastic remark, have it thrown back in my face; to have my question made fun of or belittled. Itâ€™s does nothing to encourage me to get to know them, it is probably one of the biggest turn offs there is, especially in a group setting. Why make me look stupid because you canâ€™t cope with being even the tiniest bit vulnerable? I know that this behaviour is because of fear: of being vulnerable, of opening up, of being known. So you can see how too much banter, or banter in the wrong place is pretty much going to shut down any who attempts at getting to know each other, of allowing intimacy to develop.

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if we are unwilling to overcome this fear of rejection there will al- ways be a sense of loneliness in our lives. Loneliness comes in many forms. Some people are lonely because they simply have no contact with other human beings. Others are lonely even in a crowded room. Some people are lonely because they are single. Others are married and lonely. Others yet are lonely because they have betrayed themselves and they yearn for and miss their lost self. Loneliness seems to be one of those things that is always lurking in the background, one of lifeâ€™s experiences that we never conquer, something that is never overcome once and for all. The sensation that nobody really knows us can be one of the most debilitating forms of loneliness, and is fostered by our un- willingness to reveal ourselves. The paradox that we want to be known and loved for who we are, but refuse to reveal ourselves because we are afraid of rejection, creates a tremendous lone- liness in our lives.

It is here that we come full circle. We yearn for intimacy, we run from intimacy, we tell ourselves that we need to be free from emotional ties, but we end up in slavery of one sort or another. Unwilling to participate in the rigors of intimacy, we try to fill

the void created by the lack of intimacy in our lives, and thus are born our addictions. The bottomless pit that is created by the ab- sence of intimacy demands to be fed, and if we refuse to feed it in a healthy way, we will find ourselves feeding it in ways that are self-destructive. Some try to fill the void with alcohol, others with shopping, some with drugs; others will fill it with unending se- ries of short-term relationships, and in a culture that equates inti- macy with sex an ever increasing number of people try to fill the void with sexual experiences. The result is a growing emptiness. Each of these is just a different attempt to fill the void created in our lives by a lack of genuine intimacy. All addictions are the re- sult of trying to fill that void in an unhealthy way. Addictions are among the most powerful self-delusions we experience. Addictions are created by self-delusions and in turn create even more self-delusions. Addiction disconnects us from reality. So, why do we gravitate toward the objects of our addic- tions? The reason is profoundly simple: because they change the way we think about ourselves. Our addictions pull us further and further into our self-centered imaginary worlds, while intimacy draws us out of our self-absorption and into a real experience of others, the world, and ourselves. Our addictions keep our illu- sions alive, and the one illusion our addictions are most faithful to is the belief that we are the center of the universe. Genuine intimacy comes to liberate us from our loneliness, but when we run from intimacy we often find ourselves enslaved by addiction.

It is also important to note that all of our relationships have a physical aspect. Even in a relationship that is completely con- fined to the telephone or to cyberspace, you are still experiencing the other person through your senses (speaking and listening or sitting, typing, and reading).

Emotional Intimacy The second aspect of the human person is the emotional. Emotional intimacy is much harder to achieve than physical inti- macy. It requires a humility and vulnerability that most of us are simply not comfortable with at first. The process of becoming intimate emotionally is therefore a slower one. Even in the best relationship, with the most genuine person, it takes time for us to be convinced that it is safe to let our guard down. And if we have been hurt or betrayed in the past, it may take longer. The labyrinth of our opinions, feelings, fears, and dreams is some- thing we guard closely, as we should. At the same time we shouldnâ€™t allow the fear of revealing our- selves to become our natural state. As we go through the seven levels of intimacy, we will see that even in the most secondary relationships there are ways that we can reveal ourselves without making the other person feel uncomfortable and without threat- ening our sense of personal self. Life is a self-revelation. Every

time we encounter someone, we should reveal something about ourselves to that person. They might not even know your name, but if you smile at them and say â€œThank youâ€ or â€œGood morningâ€ they will know something about you. By being polite, courteous, and friendly, you have revealed something about yourself. Revealing ourselves in positive and healthy ways is at the core of intimacy. In the emotional realm, intimacy with self and others is driven by observationâ€”self-observation, in the first place, knowing how certain people, situations, circumstances, and op- portunities make you feel; observation of others, in the second place, opening your eyes, ears, and heart to how people respond to you. What is their body language? Are people comfortable around you? If not, what makes them uncomfortable? Is there

The quality of intimacy

When we talk about intimacy we can subdivide this in physical and mental intimacy. Physical intimacy concerns contacts, caresses and sex, whereas mental intimacy is the feeling of emotional solidarity. With mental intimacy you let someone take a look into your soul and share your feelings and emotions.

Although mental and physical intimacy are possible without each other, for a good relationship both aspects are necessary. You can feel yourself very connected with someone having physical contact only or you can make love with someone with whom you have no special connection but for a long-term relation both are important.

How to show intimacy

Intimacy can be shown in a lot of manners: cuddle together; just sitting on the couch together watching TV; sitting together at the fireplace ; play games together; give each other a massage; make love together; enjoy a beautiful view together; cook and clean together; go out together; together walking hand in hand or embracing each other; sport or share a hobby together; rise for each other; comfort each other if something nasty has happened; really listen to and be interested in the other one; even brawl together can be intimate; enjoying sex together is an ultimate form of intimacy.

Maybe you have noticed that the word together frequently shows up in this list but that is not astonishing because intimacy is generally something that you do together.

Although turbulent wild sex can give a strong feeling of solidarity, it is just one of the many ways in which people can share intimacy. And it is also no wonder that men and women generally have a different preference regarding intimacy. For most women mental and emotional intimacy is more important and men feel themselves more linked with the physical intimacy like sex and undertake things together. The degree of intimacy is frequently a good reflection of the quality of a relationship.

On the opposite side it is possible that a lack of intimacy puts a couple in a vicious circle of emotional interactions. The lack of intimacy increases stress within the relationship which decreases intimacy further. When this vicious circle cannot be broken people float further away from each other.

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Sexlessness And Fear Of Intimacy

Fear of intimacy â€“ is this what keeps our spouses from having sex with us? Iâ€™ve been researching â€Fear of Intimacyâ€ with the express purpose of seeking an answer to this question. The following has been distilled from a wide range of sources. (I apologise for not attributing information â€“ where I have quoted directly, the words are in italics.)

What is intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion. . . .

. . . Emotional intimacy is a special set of interactions in which a person discloses something about him or herself, and a partner responds to the disclosure in a way that makes the person feel validated, understood and cared for. (my emphasis)

Intimacy usually requires most of the following:

* Willingness to disclose oneâ€™s true thoughts, feelings, wishes and fears

* Willingness to trust a partner for care and emotional support

* Willingness to engage in physical intimacy (my emphasis)

* Sharing of tenderness, caring and affection

* Lowered defences and allowing yourself to be fragile and vulnerable

And those who fear intimacy? What are their characteristics?

* Inability to develop trust in another

* Fear of being vulnerable to being hurt

* Avoidance of risk

* Inability to let go of hurts and fears even if they occurred long ago, especially those from previous relationships

* Fear of loss of approval; fear of rejection

* Chronic defensiveness

* Fear of being too exposed or being found out for who you â€œreally areâ€

* Inability to show affection, tenderness or caring

* Inability to be open and honest

Many of these characteristics can be seen in the â€œrefuserâ€ partners and spouses on ILIASM.

Fear of intimacy is very often completely unrecognised by the sufferer. In fact, many people with this fear actually want and desire a close relationship, but unconsciously sabotage this if it happens. The fears that combine to constitute â€œfear of intimacyâ€ are:

* Fear of rejection or abandonment

* Fear of being smothered, engulfed and / or controlled

* Fear of the pain of losing the loved one, through death or divorce

So it is NOT the intimacy itself that is feared, it is that bad things can happen that are sometimes part of an intimate relationship.

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These fears stem from earlier life experiences which the sufferer has not been able to manage effectively. One very interesting point is that these causative childhood traumas need not be dramatic such as sexual or physical abuse. Many children are born with an inherited trait to anxiety, shyness, fearfulness and mild depression. Attachment theory researchers have found that even a childâ€™s perceived feelings of rejection and abandonment . . . can start the ball rolling on later intimacy issues.

Some others, who have experienced similar or even worse experiences, are not affected. These are the people who, for whatever reason, WERE able to cope with, manage and survive these experiences without this damage occurring to them.

Fear of intimacy is described as a personality disorder. It impacts most seriously on that most intimate of relationships, marriage. But it can also impact on all human relationships. It often affects the personâ€™s ability to make friends, to attend social functions and to be a well integrated social being. (Many of us on ILIASM have noted that our spouses have few friends, dislike social occasions and have difficulty functioning in social environments.)

Some of the factors that contribute to â€œfear of intimacyâ€:

* Fear of exposure â€“ â€œI am not the person I appear to be â€“ I am not a worthy person. I need to hide my real self from my partner.â€

* Fear of failure â€“ â€œif I set myself up for failure, I at least â€œknowâ€ why I failed â€“ and it is within my power to control. (Can also be described as â€œfear of successâ€!) I cannot cope with being a failure if I give everything Iâ€™ve got and it STILL fails . . . .â€

* Fear of rejection â€“ â€œonce my spouse knows the â€œrealâ€ me, s/he will not like/love meâ€

* Fear of responsibility â€“ â€œIâ€™ve â€˜alwaysâ€™ been made to feel that failure is my fault, and I donâ€™t want that responsibility any more. So Iâ€™m going to do everything I can to avoid that responsibility.â€

The tragedy is that these fears actually work AGAINST the person â€“ acting from these positions of fear is the very thing that brings about exactly what they fear most. This effectively reinforces their fears, leading them to redouble their (already unsuccessful) efforts . . . . Catch 22. It is important to recognise that these motivations are unconscious in the person manifesting them â€“ or at the very best, only dimly perceived. So any discussion of this is likely to bring forth indignant denials and a refusal to consider that this might be the case.

So why, if these people are so fearful of intimacy, do they get married (or into committed relationships) to begin with? Why do so many of us experience what seems to be the â€œbait and switchâ€? It is important to bear in mind that people with a fear of intimacy are (almost always) unaware of this fear. In fact, sometimes they are actually â€œintimacy addictsâ€ â€“ they constantly seek out experiences of â€œintimacyâ€ to affirm to themselves that they DO not have a problem. All of us have an urge to feel a basic sense of belonging to somebody. Unfortunately, every time they get close to someone, their underlying condition asserts itself and sabotages the relationship.

The three stages of love are described as:

* Romantic love â€“ basically, lust, driven by our hormones (oestrogen and testosterone)! Endorphins soak your brain and youâ€™re immersed in intense pleasurable sensation. The lovers are exhilarated, high and infatuated.

* â€œLovesickâ€ love - physical attraction and power struggles characterise this phase. Youâ€™re trying to shape your lover into your ideal partner â€“ which is where the power struggle comes in. The relationship becomes more realistic and strong emotional attachment sets in â€“ if it is a positive relationship. Infatuation is wearing off. Some on ILIASM have reported a falling away of sex and intimacy even before the marriage â€“ or very shortly after it. This suggests that one partner - â€œthe refuserâ€ â€“ has NOT moved on to a strong emotional attachment. Instead, once the initial infatuation has worn off, the fear of intimacy begins to reassert itself and to further sabotage the personâ€™s desire to build a truly loving intimate relationship.

* Emotional attachment â€“ acceptance, commitment, partnership. You both accept each otherâ€™s positive and negative traits. You work towards a healthy and loving relationship â€“ or NOT!!

Avoidant Attachment theory â€“how does this impact on â€œfear of intimacyâ€?

The two types of â€œavoidant attachment styleâ€ are likely to have problems with intimacy. One type is fearful and the other type is dismissive.

Dismissive Avoidant:

These people have a very positive view of themselves and strive to be independent. They also have a very negative view of others. Independence and self-sufficiency are very important to them. These people are more comfortable without close personal relationships and see themselves as invulnerable to the feelings associated with close emotional attachments. They often deny needing such relationships.

Characteristics:

* Defensive

* Suppress and hide their feelings

* Distance themselves from any (possible or actual) sources of rejection

Fearful Avoidant

These people have a very negative view of both themselves AND others. They are very uncomfortable getting close to others and show anxiety in social situations. They want close emotional relationships but find it difficult to trust others.

Many on ILIASM could recognise their spouses in these descriptions. So how do these people feel about intimacy? WHY is it so hard for them?

Fear of rejection

The crux of this is poor self image and low sense of self worth. If oneâ€™s self image is too closely connected with others, these â€œothersâ€ become very powerful in terms of the personâ€™s perception of their own self worth. Any criticism is a body blow. . . . Their opinion of themselves fluctuates wildly, depending on otherâ€™s points of views. Fundamentally, they donâ€™t like themselves very much.

Effects of this:

* Anxiety in social and especially in intimate situations

* Avoiding situations of significant risk (e.g. Sexual relationships)

* Protecting themselves by lying

* Spend lots of energy trying to keep their â€œtruthâ€ hidden from others

* And in some instances, devaluing those who really DO like / love them! (The feeling here is that they are such a poor specimen of person that it reflects badly on YOU if you care about them!)

These people EXPECT to be rejected. They do not believe they are truly lovable.

Fear of emotional engulfment

If a person is uncomfortable with feelings of high emotional intensity (emotional and / or physical), they may feel overwhelmed by the other person. All the issues relating to emotional engulfment stem from an inability to manage emotions.

On ILIASM some spouses are very â€œlovingâ€ in all but physical situations â€“ this suggests their main area of discomfort lies in the physical. Other spouses are not comfortable with any type of emotional intensity and are withdrawn both emotionally and physically.

Loss of control

Avoidant attachment types are particularly likely to fear loss of control. If they let someone get close to them they feel very vulnerable that there is a possible source of hurt and rejection that they are not in direct control over and seek to distance themselves from this to avoid it.

Sadly, it sometimes the very things that are â€œgoodâ€ about a relationship that makes the person fearful. The relationship makes them feel good and makes their life easier â€“ so they come to fear the dependency this might be engendering in them for their partner. Because the other person is outside of their control, s/he is unpredictable. The â€œonly wayâ€ this person sees to control the situation is to withdraw from it before the partner or spouse can â€œlet them downâ€. The irony is that this ego protective behaviour in fact often delivers the very result they were trying so hard to avoid.

One of the saddest aspects of all this is that the person with a fear of intimacy probably needs years of psychoanalysis to probe family of origin issues. This type of therapy has fallen out of favour with the therapeutic community so the track record for curing these problems is still fairly dismal.

In conclusion, I want to make the point that I realise this â€œfear of intimacyâ€ is NOT a catch-all diagnosis for the â€œrefuserâ€ spouses. There are other causes. For example, those who have had a great relationship for twenty years, which suddenly â€œgoes badâ€ are unlikely to have a partner with fear of intimacy. But for many of us, the concept of â€œfear of intimacyâ€ is useful in determining â€œwhyâ€ our spouses have refused us.

Instinctively, many of us recognise that our spouses are not â€œbadâ€ or â€œevilâ€ people. They did not deliberately (in most cases) set out to deceive us. They are not by nature cruel or unkind. But their denial of our emotional, sexual needs and their apparent refusal of their responsibility to be intimate partners in the relationship, makes us question whether we have really poor judgement. Perhaps they really ARE â€œbadâ€ people . . . ?

It seems much more likely that they are sufferers just as we are â€“ it is only that they suffer from a â€œfear of intimacyâ€ that severely curtails their ability to develop the loving intimate relationships that are everyoneâ€™s birthright. Our tragedy is that each of us chose a person with this debilitating condition to be our life partner.

I recognize myself and hubby in some of these. Having been together for 25?-ish years I think we've both had phases and in differing times then handled or addressed issues and then one or the other slips back into unhealthy dysfunction. It just feels like - what is currently going on is an acute case but if I honestly reflect - I think it had chronically occurred off & on in varying degrees the whole time we have known each other.

Much food for thought. Thank you so much for distilling it!

GrantGeek GrantGeek 46-50, F May 30 0

This is the type of literature my wife and I need to be reading and working through. Thank you for posting this! Her therapist is focussed on creating situations that will bring us emotionally closer but to date there has been no mention of fear of intimacy and I know for sure that we both have this fear and it's what led to both of us pushing each other away at some point. I do hope my wife can look at this with an open mind and calmly take in what it is saying because it could easily start the ball rolling in the right direction!

Alwayscravingit Alwayscravingit 31-35, M Sep 7, 2014 2

I just came across this - it is really interesting, I want o know more and begin to understand

DD4UOK DD4UOK 56-60, M May 24, 2014 0

I realise your article has been here for some years enna, but I just want to thank you for writing it.

It has given me a lot to think about, and one of those things is that I am worried that I will develop a fear of initimacy with my partner's continual rejections and refusals. I can already see my self-esteem and self-confidence deteriorating, and I am becoming fearful of trying to initiate because I am most often refused.

I used to be very open sexually, I have a high sex drive ... now I don't want to try because every refusal shatters my heart a little more.

Is there any way to protect yourself from further damage without leaving a relationship, I want to try to work through the problems and see if something good can come out of the place we are now.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

SolitaireDiamond SolitaireDiamond 51-55, F May 15, 2014 1

Watch this video: it's one of the ILIASM essentials (if you haven't already done so)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEy4qEZ0mNs&list=UUXxplO2WuYhm2-EFGtgRBJw

Have you watched it? Here's my $0.02's worth:

You are quite right: only a sheep keeps bashing its head into a wall again and again and again and doesn't learn from that, until it's head is bleeding, and on and on and on ... we more thinking animals tend to learn from the pain and protect ourselves and don't want to do it again, at least after a while. That's why you landed here I guess ... (I did).

Hence you don't want to try to hurt yourself by bouncing off the wall again. That is a healthy response. Eventually you may go so numb that you don't care any more ... the ultimate defense mechanism against emotional pain. Or, as some people here do, you will end up sliding into anger, which of course also won't get you what you want.

I personally know that if my face goes numb, it's past time to move on, that I am approaching breaking point. But that is MY truth, and it probably manifests differently for other people.

The only way you can protect yourself is by not expecting coke out of the empty machine. This may be achieved by going to another machine, it may be achieved by redefining, reinventing your relationship with the empty machine. Alas, you can't typically turn your spouse on their side and use them as a base for a quirky coffee table.

Experience gained here says that the chances of success with calling in the repair man are low. A very very few people have been successful, most have not. You can't change people against their will, and if your partner doesn't wanna, you are s.o.o.l. You may be able to change the dynamic of the relationship, if both people involved are on board with that and want things to improve. But only then. Mere lip service won't do it either. Once you come to that realization, you can make informed choices as to how you want to proceed with the rest of your life.

Petrushka Petrushka 56-60, M May 16, 2014 1

This article touched me! I have been struggling with intimacy in my marriage for so long. I find it really hard to remain open to my husband because of little hurts and resentments and wonder if I will ever feel the courage to

let him in again. Its really hard to be in a marriage where both partners have issues with intimacy. I dont know where to go from here, except to focus on my own happiness and work on my own intimacy stuff. My deepest fear is that my husband is repulsed by me and isnt in love with me anymore. I wonder why he doesnt seem interested in sex anymore. If I can stop thinking about him and only ponder on things about myself, I feel better, like I have control over my side of things. Taking responsibility for only my side is scary, because then I risk rejection, failure. I guess the current status-quo wont change if I wont change...

lovemochi lovemochi 31-35, F May 7, 2014 2

Hi Enna, great article. I am someone who suffers greatly from a fear of intimacy but I crave to be intimate. I have only just discovered this about myself as I have met an amazing person. Is it possible to overcome fear of intimacy if you're aware of it and you want to overcome it?

miri123 miri123 26-30, F Mar 14, 2014 1

Yes, you can overcome it - at least that is my personal history.

What worked for me were "I need to relax, let go and and deliver myself up to this experience [intimacy] and relish it". And I whipped myself with the mantra: "you only get one chance at life - if you don't take it, you'll miss out - so get with the program!"

So I consciously relaxed, kind of 'let my body flop' if not necessarily drop to the floor. I had huge difficulties doing this with another person coming out of puberty due to my seriously dysfunctional parentage.

If you can't do it alone, see if you can find a therapist that works with you physically as well as talking. It might be helpful to find a Hatha Yoga teacher who can show you how to consciously relax your body. (not the athletic high pressure type perverted yoga that has people sustaining injuries!)

h.t.h. -P.

Petrushka Petrushka 56-60, M Mar 14, 2014 0

Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another,

Perhaps this is why we all keep coming back to EP

sweetplumeria sweetplumeria 36-40 Jan 28, 2014 2

SOO...SAD...

teenagenurse teenagenurse 51-55 Nov 21, 2013 0

how does a sexless marriage go on a vacation together? my friend who is having problems said they live like college roommates...it has become awkward for him too simply go for a drive with her....its really sad

beachlust242 beachlust242 46-50, F Jul 18, 2013 1

oh how realistic this reading was had to read it twice to grasp only most but there is alot of truth in it

greenman1950 greenman1950 61-65, M Jul 18, 2013 1

Well, this seems like a remarkable post. I will limit myself to very few comments for now, as I am quite tired; this deserves thoughtful comments.

As this is written in quite an authoritative way (I mean by this, as if by someone who is quite an authority on the subject, who is quite versed in it, who, at least, is reasonably qualified to make such statements (which may indeed be the case, here)), I would invite you, for purposes of transparency and openness, to let us know what formation you have and what work you do. And I would invite you to attribute information, to give references. One reason being that noncritical persons may take what you write (what I write) at face value, for granted, for the truth, without verification, especially when itâ€™s written in an authoritative way. Another reason is that you may have made honest mistakes; we all do.

You will find me very critical; I am. I take it that we are looking for truth, that we are trying to really help ourselves and others; not looking for fame (Iâ€™m not implying that you are). In such a case, transparency, openness, humility, inviting criticism, review seem indicated. I believe in setting high (though reasonable, realistic) standards and trying to live by them; in science and in most other fields. Iâ€™m a great admirer of people like Sigmund Freud (though psychoanalysis has come to be much criticized), Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow, to name only those three, as there are so many, who made great work in psychology and related fields.

The fully functioning person (according to Carl Rogers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Rogers))

Optimal development, as referred to in the following proposition (Rogersâ€™ theory of the self (as of 1951) was based on 19 propositions):

Psychological adjustment exists when the concept of the self is such that all the sensory and visceral experiences of the organism are, or may be, assimilated on a symbolic level into a consistent relationship with the concept of self.

results in a certain process rather than static state. He describes this as the good life, where the organism continually aims to fulfill its full potential. He listed the characteristics of a fully functioning person (Rogers 1961):

1. A growing openness to experience â€“ they move away from defensiveness and have no need for subception (a perceptual defense that involves unconsciously applying strategies to prevent a troubling stimulus from entering consciousness).

2. An increasingly existential lifestyle â€“ living each moment fully â€“ not distorting the moment to fit personality or self-concept but allowing personality and self-concept to emanate from the experience. This results in excitement, daring, adaptability, tolerance, spontaneity, and a lack of rigidity and suggests a foundation of trust. "To open one's spirit to what is going on now, and discover in that present process whatever structure it appears to have" (Rogers 1961)

3. Increasing organismic trust â€“ they trust their own judgment and their ability to choose behavior that is appropriate for each moment. They do not rely on existing codes and social norms but trust that as they are open to experiences they will be able to trust their own sense of right and wrong.

4. Freedom of choice â€“ not being shackled by the restrictions that influence an incongruent individual, they are able to make a wider range of choices more fluently. They believe that they play a role in determining their own behavior and so feel responsible for their own behavior.

5. Creativity â€“ it follows that they will feel more free to be creative. They will also be more creative in the way they adapt to their own circumstances without feeling a need to conform.

6. Reliability and constructiveness â€“ they can be trusted to act constructively. An individual who is open to all their needs will be able to maintain a balance between them. Even aggressive needs will be matched and balanced by intrinsic goodness in congruent individuals.

7. A rich full life â€“ he describes the life of the fully functioning individual as rich, full and exciting and suggests that they experience joy and pain, love and heartbreak, fear and courage more intensely. Rogers' description of the good life:

This process of the good life is not, I am convinced, a life for the faint-hearted. It involves the stretching and growing of becoming more and more of one's potentialities. It involves the courage to be. It means launching oneself fully into the stream of life. (Rogers 1961)

Hierarchy of Needs (according to Abraham Maslow (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abraham_Maslow))

5. Self-actualization(highest needs): morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts

4. Esteem: self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by others

3. Love/belonging: friendship, family, sexual intimacy

2. Safety: security of body, employment, resources, morality, family, health, property

1. Physiological: breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis, excretion

I believe in that hierarchy (though it may not, it probably is not perfect), as it corresponds to my experience of life. If it is right, then meeting the needs of sex, sexual intimacy are somewhat requirements to being able to move on to meeting higher needs; if we donâ€™t meet the needs of sex, sexual intimacy in a satisfactory way, we somewhat get stuck at that level, seeking satisfaction of those needs and having difficulty moving on to meeting higher needs. And I believe the theory implies that we are driven to meet higher needs, as the meeting of those needs brings much satisfaction, a sense of much self-actualization.

I will want to read on the subject of Sexlessness and Fear of Intimacy, as I find it quite sad that people experience sexlessness, ploblems of intimacy (whether as the sufferer or as the refuser) in relationships, as I find it very important to meet those needs, very satisfying to meet them, as I am not familiar with the subject and as I want to make verifications. I will start by reading Sexless marriage (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage) and Fear of intimacy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear_of_intimacy).

With much kindness,

Charles

Karll Karll 56-60, M Jul 13, 2013 2

OMG, Carl Rogers --- it's been a while since that name came up. Yes, he's a great guy, and what he has to say on the subject of 'well developed personality' is quintessential.

That mish-mash of Maslow's on the other hand: I can't make out if he has a pyramid-of-needs model in mind there as in how you quote it, of if it's structured on developmental psychology or just what. In any case, it seems pretty helter skelter to me. Next!

Petrushka Petrushka 56-60, M Jul 16, 2013 1

This is truly brilliant, Enna. Should be required reading!!!!

nyartgal nyartgal 36-40, F Jun 25, 2013 2

Wow. This describes me very well. I prefer anonymous sex. I am able to have a close relationship with my kids and hug, kiss, and cuddle them but over time I've grown more and more averse to any physical contact with my husband. I have read done of the info about being asexual and I identified with some of it but I do have sexual feelings towards others I am just scared as hell when it comes time to act on it. I have to be at least a little drunk to have sex.

I didn't know I was like this when I got married. I've been trying to set my husband free for years. And set myself free from the guilt I feel for not being able to meet his needs.

I think this is a big part of what is behind my depression and wishes that I were dead or could get a terminal illness. It's the easy way out.

To those whose spouses are like this I'm sorry. Someday they may be able to understand this about themselves but at least for me knowing it doesn't make it easier to change. I don't think I want to change its too scary.

whpher whpher 41-45, F Apr 15, 2013 2

I do feel very sad for you because intimacy is a wonderfully rewarding part of life. However, if both you AND your husband are happy without it, then there is no problem. If your husband is NOT content with this situation, you may be wise to seek personal counselling to assess how you can move forward in your marriage. I wish you happiness with whatever you choose to do.

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Apr 16, 2013 2

@whpher

"I think this is a big part of what is behind my depression and wishes that I were dead or could get a terminal illness. It's the easy way out.

To those whose spouses are like this I'm sorry. Someday they may be able to understand this about themselves (Could you rather have meant ourselves?) but at least for me knowing it doesn't make it easier to change. I don't think I want to change its too scary."

All I can say for now, Ms., is not to give up, as much as possible. Making some progress (as little as it may be, may seem) in trying to overcome such important difficulties is often well worth all the efforts.

And not to hesitate to seek professional help, if you feel like it, if possible; there is certainly no shame in doing so, all the contrary.

With much kindness,

Charles

Karll Karll 56-60, M Jul 13, 2013 2

I'm bumping this up again, because there is currently some discussion on ILIASM about the role played by "fear of intimacy" in sexless marriages. Whilst this may not describe the situation in your marriage, it is certainly a viable and important consideration for many relationships.One reason that some people reject this possibility is the fact that their spouses ARE able to have sex with others - thus seemingly refuting the possibility of "fear of intimacy" as a reason for sexlesness.Yet it is common for people with a fear of intimacy to readily have sex with someone UNTIL they find themselves in an intimate relationship. One night stands, short term dating lives and "the sex was great till we got married!" are all examples of this IMO.Once a relationship moves beyond the phase of limerance, and deepens into something that requires fewer hormones and more intimacy, this fear can reassert itself.Those who see intimacy aversion as contra-indicated because a spouse can form a loving relationship with a pet, are assuming that the relationship between a pet and its owner is the same as between two spouses. Personally, I cannot see a sufficient argument for this position!!Those who see that a person can have a loving and intimate relationship with their children, but not with their spouses, are also missing the point IMO. The relationship between parent and child can be deeply loving and very warm and affecionate. BUT it does not replicate the adult spousal relationship - nor should it! Parents and children always have a power differential operating in their relationship which rescues the intimacy averse adult from needing to develop the same levels of intimacy with a child as with a spouse. For some intimacy averse adults, their relationship with their children provides sufficient intimacy (albeit of a different kind) so that they feel no need for a more equitable and mature level of intimacy with their spouses. This is often seen on ILIASM where the poster comments that their Refuser spouse is a loving and involved parent - but cannot meet the needs of their spouse. . . . . Being intimacy averse is a curse. It is not part of the natural world IMO - as in, people are not born with intimacy aversion. Rather it is something that develops as a reslt of their life experiences, often from the earliest days of their lives. Many will probably not be able to remember "what" caused the problem, or have lived with it for s long that it seems "normal" to them. Refused spouses here will often say their Refuser spouses have called them "abnormal" or "obsesssed" with sex. This is probably how their Refusers truly feel! Because for the Refuser, it feels "normal" to NOT want intimacy - and thus to avoid sex.Some Refuser spouses are happy to ********** and / or to use ****. IMO this is a good reason to suspect intimacy aversion as a cause for the sexlessness of a marriage. The Refuser spouse wants the pleasures of sex - but does NOT want the intimacy involved in having sex with an adult partner. There is no reason to think that "intimacy aversion" describes all Refusers. Some are asexual; some have serious psychological / emotional / personality disorders. Some are simply turned OFF by their spouses - for whatever reason. But there are a lot of Refusers whose "reasons" for being unable to maintain sexual intimacy in their marriages may well be that they suffer intimacy aversion.

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Apr 2, 2013 7

It's interesting to recognize that an avoidant can be very sexual and display affection (words and touch), provided that it is divorced from true emotional intimacy. The flip side of my trying to understand my refuser wife is that I am also trying to understand, should it come to that--and it just might, depending on how the therapy pans out, how to identify and (run don't walk!) stay away from fearful-avoidant women who will abandon me in a lonely, emotional wasteland. Never mind avoiding all the other wild cards that get thrown people's way, like having a spouse decide / realize that they're gay, mental illness, physical illness and so on.

ThatAccount ThatAccount 41-45, M Feb 18, 2014 0

I'm really tempted to forward a link to this story to S.

Only, that might be equivalent to putting her through a rock crusher.

{sigh}

*rated up*. This story is a lament for some of the really sad cases amongst us.

Petrushka Petrushka 56-60, M Mar 23, 2013 3

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Mar 23, 2013 2

Bumping this up.

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Mar 23, 2013 2

I read this article twice! As I have recently entered into therapy for the purpose of trying to understand my wife's issues, it was suggested to me that my wife most likely suffers from fear of intamacy. In learning the traits of a person with fear of intamcy, I was somewhat convinced that this indeed was the case. After reading this, I was absolutely amazed and 100% convinced that my wife has fear of intamacy. As I continued to read on, I was just taken back and felt like the author was actually speaking about my wife. It is the hardest thing for a husband, a faithful one no less, to live a life with a women who is cursed by this disorder. I always hold out hope that things will change but I do catch myself every now and then realizing that I'm only kidding myself. For some strange reason I don't find myself lonely but I do intensely yearn for a true life partner. Thank You for this extremly accurate portrayal of this topic!

PM11 PM11 41-45 Nov 24, 2012 2

Enna for President!!! This is an awesome post!

NMBtruth1 NMBtruth1 41-45, M Oct 26, 2012 3

Thanks for this post as well explains somewhat both my husband and myself really just have different aspects of the fear... Mine is trust but I can have sexual relation his is overall emotion control is what I gather, he was more passionate almost to much when he was young , we met up again years later and he changed a lot, he has managed his emotions to the point of severe suppression is all I can come up with. He is such a mystery. By the way when people refer to "love" I often wonder what they imagine, a romantic unrealistic movie type? Which is not real! Isn't love trust, patient (which by definition means "long suffering" ) not easily angered, respect things of this nature???? Then love by this definition is truly a high standard and not easily met !!!

dawnmoon dawnmoon 36-40 Oct 26, 2012 2

you might find imago interesting (keeping the love you find seems to address the theory the best)...

DangerCat DangerCat 41-45, M Oct 4, 2012 1

Yes...This. My wife fears intimacy. Glad we're ending it.

hylierandom hylierandom 41-45 Oct 2, 2012 1

enna, tyvm for sharing these posts with us. making my way through your suggested reading list (:-)) and bookmarking some of the articles.

thanks again.

smithy8015 smithy8015 46-50, F Oct 2, 2012 1

WOW thank you again... book marking that analysis..

DangerCat DangerCat 41-45, M Jul 24, 2012 1

I know I'm necroposting here...But I needed to read this. I think both of us are afraid of intimacy...except I'm aware of it, I'm aware of the cause, and actively trying to grapple with it, not that this is easy. My heuristic is that the people you love...will destroy you...and while that is indeed my experience with my parents, that's far from universal. I irrationally fear my wife hitting me when she shouts, but she never has hit me.

hylierandom hylierandom 41-45 Jul 4, 2012 1

Look up

Emotional Deprivation Disorder.

Get ready to be amazed

nxl nxl 41-45, M Apr 4, 2012 1

Hoopless, my heart aches for you. I find the fact you have taken so much time and effort to discover the root cause to be a wonderful tribute to your spirit and your character.

Have you found that recognising the issue helps you to find ways to address it? Or is it such an all consuming issue that it is virtually impossible o address?

You sound like such a fine person - it is so terrible to think of you missing out on these important human interactions, even though you long for them to occur. I hope very sincerely that you find a solution to your issues (even if it is only partial) that allows you to experience the joys and pleasures that you so richly deserve. {{{Hugs}}}

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Oct 29, 2011 1

There are so many variables in this complicated life. Isn't that true? Your article here brings out many of the issues I see in my wife. She most closely holds to the "fearful avoidant" classification. The past experiences of life weave through every aspect of our daily lives. Some cope better than others, and so should we as spouses expect that if our "refuser" is not coping well, we are cleared from the vows we made when we married and look elsewhere to fulfill our intamacy desires? (Open ended question for discussion.)

Over the 20 years or so my wife and I have been together, we have had "some" truly valuable discussions about her feelings and what she has even referred to as self-fulfilling prophecy to have a "bad marriage". After some of the talks, we get along better for a while, but she eventually falls back into the dis-respectful treatment and avoidance role that she plays so well.

My heartache is in dealing with myself and how I feel that the love I devoted to her was a full commitment including helping her through life including all the bad... even if that means my desires are put on the back burner. I read one article on EP here discussing that kind of love. Some say it is self destructive to love that way, and some say it is the only way to love. Your article helps to at least bring into perspective some of the sources of and explanation for the personality traits that my wife exhibits.

Thank you so much for the insightful and helpful article.

thomsol thomsol 41-45, M Oct 3, 2011 1

Thank you for your wonderful "story".

There is much insight there, both into what makes us tick, but also our significant others, both towards intimacy, as well as away from it/us. As understanding is advanced, our choices increase, thereby empowering change, if so desired.

This was a huge find for me. Many thanks.

1isnotenough 1isnotenough 41-45 Sep 25, 2011 1

maybe ...I will make a copy of that.comment..so I have it in writing..so if it ever comes up..i can say....uuh .uuh.. Enna says that is not true...see..look at this.it says so right here...

hugs.

neuilly neuilly 61-65, F Sep 25, 2011 1

"You are WRONG Neui!!"

Actually, I truly believe that you ARE wrong - because I think that the treatment which causes a person to be avoidant and reluctant to be involved in intimacy must occur in early childhood (probably in the first five years of life) for it to be a life long issue.

I suspect many of us who survive a SM are cautious in our new relationships, and (if you are like Baz and I have been!) inclined to "over think" them, but I do not believe it would be enough to make you intimacy avoidant.

I also believe that the very fact that you have LONGED for and wanted an intimate connection (that has been missing in your SM) is proof that this is NOT a part of who you are. There may be those for whom this is true (Ulae? I wonder if he would agree?), but for most of us I truly believe it is a non-issue.

{{{Hugs}}} to Neui - and anyone else doubting their own capacity for intimate connection.

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Sep 25, 2011 2

After reading all of this..and how the fear of rejection affects you and creates a fear of intimacy...I fear all of us here..will now have an intimacy problem, and end up joining the ranks of refusers...If your logic is correct..that is what should happen..it seems to me..you can't be rejected in so many ways, for so many years, and not have it affect you...

tell me I am wrong Enna.....please...

neuilly neuilly 61-65, F Sep 25, 2011 1

I am quite sure I will turn refuser in any future relationship.

ulae ulae 41-45 Feb 6, 2013 1

Because of fear, my friend . . . . ???

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Feb 6, 2013 1

Not fear, not really. And I am already (counter, but who cares) refuser in the current marriage. No, the reason is that I dislike human sexuality because it has caused me and my wife (not "us") such grief. Now you might say "most or many women are more sexual beings than your wife" but, even if that is correct, I no longer have the time or assets or energy to explore. I accept that situation. I accept my dead sexuality. So (unlike my wife) I won't try to "win" partners as security or trophy. Unlike my wife, I own this 100%.

ulae ulae 41-45 Feb 7, 2013 1

Wow, Richard, that is very insightful comment - and a consideration that had not occurred to me previously. I think you may very well be absolutely on target with this.

As a "touchy feely" person I am often tempted to touch others when I'm talking to them or expressing my emotions in any way - and I mean here, in the public arena! But others are sometimes very reluctant to be touched or to be physically expressive. . . . which would correlate with what you have said.

Thanks so much for adding a valuable perspective to this topic - which I find fascinating!!

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Sep 25, 2011 1

enna,

Thank you so much for yet another brilliant post which has successfully served to put me into thoughtful and analytical mode.

Whilst rationally theorizing on many traits and aspects of why our partners fear intimacy could it also be true that some of us just have an innate love of at least physical intimacy whilst others do not? Is there necessarily always a psychological reason if someone merely dislikes messy physical intimacy?

Could it be the case that our partners do not actually fear intimacy but just do not like it in the same way as we might not actually have liked kissing an older relative when we were children.

Is the default human condition necessarily that of loving intimacy or is there just a bell curve frequency describing our intimacy differences in exactly the same way as it describes our basic sexual desire, or height or IQ? We come back to the nurture or nature argument which can be used to explain nearly every human condition.

Thank you again enna for encouraging us to think about and seek answers and explanations for our partners behaviour.

richardkiss richardkiss 56-60, M Sep 25, 2011 1

This is very insightful! Thank you for taking the time to post this!

NotAFairyTale NotAFairyTale 31-35, F Sep 25, 2011 1

That made an awful lot real clear to me. Thank you, enna

louiseshaw louiseshaw 51-55, F May 18, 2011 1

Enna, I would like to join many others in thanking you for this. Your compassion is amazing.

junkitteh junkitteh 46-50, F Sep 22, 2010 1

My husband has dismissive avoidant attachment disorder. Life is hard and painful with him. I am with him and support him all the way. It is good to know the explanation for our problem. We found out after 6 years of marriage. But understanding is not helping to solve it. After a year of therapy, I can tell, even he wants so much to get better, and I support him, it is very difficult to heal. I actually not sure if there is any hope. We will wait and see.

Thanks for shearing.

gece gece 31-35 Jul 11, 2010 1

If it works for you to call your spouse "crazy", then I'm happy for you. If it works for you to separate sex and intimacy, I'm happy for you. If it works for you to deny something exists unless or until you have concrete "proof", I am happy for you. If it works for you to be suspicious and distrusting of modern psychology, I am happy for you. If it works for you to oppose all my posts for whatever reason, I am happy for you.

Why? Because I have no investment in "converting" people to "my" way of thinking. I am not seeking universal approbation or concensus. I am seeking to share my own thoughts, studies and reflections with others in similar situations. For some, these thoughts will resonate. They will see some connection between what I've written and what is happening for them. . . .

Others, like you AC, may never catch any glimpse of similarity. That concerns me not at all. If my post is not valid for YOU, that is immaterial IMO. I do not seek to invalidate your position, neither do I expect you to validate mine.

Our one similarity on ILIASM is the "sexless marriage" issue. The greatness of this forum lies largely in the thoughtful, considerate and carefully thought out contributions of its members. It does NOT lie in seeking to convert everyone to one view point. Nor is it a popularity contest. It is a place for widely disparate people with a complete spectrum of opinions to share those opinions. And for me, this has been a blessing above and beyond my greatest expectations.

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Jul 1, 2010 3

DChamp,

I never said that marital sex can not be intimate. It just does not have to be intimate or no more intimate than non-marital sex.

Enna,

You are right. I am entitled to my opinion. Here is one more opinion: Refusing ****** is crazy.

Spouses who refuse sex because of a fear of intimacy are crazy because sex does not mandate intimacy. To put it a different way, our refusers still have the ability to enjoy an ****** whether it comes about with the contact of our flesh or not.

AnarChristian AnarChristian 36-40, M Jun 29, 2010 1

What a great post. Very insightful. I don't recognize any of these patterns in my fiancee, but a few of them in myself. I am very anxious about the idea of marriage, but here I am doing it anyway. I've looked into the idea of a therapist, but its just not in my budget right now. A few self help books have been really helpful but I wonder if that is enough?

KatieGatto KatieGatto 26-30 Jun 28, 2010 1

How about you get off EP and come to bed and bang me silly !!!! ??????

bazzar bazzar 56-60, M Jun 26, 2010 2

Paco - Right on! I agree with you. I like reading about things that I could put to use in my own marriage. Enna did a great job posting this for us! Thanks so much Enna!

Pinki3 Pinki3 36-40, F Jun 26, 2010 1

Well presented information. I'm glad to read a constructive story on this topic rather one which presents their partner as a demon.and or evil doer. Sadly, life is not that straightfoward.

Thank you for offering a more balanced presentation of both sides.

:)paco35

paco35 paco35 56-60, M Jun 25, 2010 2

MR and AC, you are both entitled to your opinions that such information is of no value to you. I respect your rights to your opinions. MR, I recognise and appreciate that there comes a time when you no longer seek to understand. And AC, I suggest that the actions of your wife (as described above) are not entirely explainable by Fear of Intimacy. It would seem your wife has more serious mental health issues from the descriptions of her behaviour you have written.

LC, thank you for adding your most recent post!! I had read this article too and was considering adding it to my story . . . But I thought it might be a side issue for many on ILIASM.

However I DO believe there may well be a number of sexless marriages where your description fits most aptly. I know of certainty about one of these - and am sure there must be more.

I also think your post describes those spouses who are into **** excessively, or into on-line relationships rather than being with their spouses. The absence of true intimacy in these situations would allow the necessary sexual tension and excitement that truly "knowing" your partner prevents for these people.

Thank you so much to all who have commented that this is useful or interesting. I sincerely appreciate your comments. My contributions to ILIASM are NEVER intended to convert people to beliefs they cannot support, only to shine a light onto dark areas for everyone to consider. I do this purely because I am interested - and have suffered seriously in a SM - NOT from any position of expertise. For me, understanding my situation better helps me to cope with it better. And I'm seriously hoping these insights benefit my new relationship too.

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Jun 25, 2010 2

So, let me get this straight: Marital sex MUST be intimate?? I guess that must be written somewhere in the psychologists cannon laws.

Now, all we need to do is ob<x>jectively delineate what constititutes intimacy from all other human actions.

I await the science but I have more confidence that That Messiah will arrive before that.

AnarChristian AnarChristian 36-40, M Jun 25, 2010 1

So..... some of our refusers are crazy. The average person on the street could have told us that.

This is interesting. Marital strife, nagging, being an ******* or a *****, etc. could all be directly caused by the spouse afflicted with Intimacy Aversion syndrome. Being nice and cordial tends to attract people.

Can you think of a better way to avoid attracting a person than being an *******??

Alternatively, maybe we are stuck with the bad actors.

AnarChristian AnarChristian 36-40, M Jun 25, 2010 1

I think that is veary true,and would recomend that you talk about this with your spose.if ur not sexuallly atracted to ur partner its not gunna work out

lionsfan2010 lionsfan2010 16-17 Jun 25, 2010 1

All of us have some of the issues that you outline in your very complete analysis. It is very helpful for us to learn what they are. We can induce change in a relationshio by recognizing the problems we bring to it. Psycho Analysis even if it were avalable is so extremely time consuming and expensive. Cognitive Behavioural therapy as developed by Beck also has a good record in bringing helpful insights and encouraging change.

drdoolittle1929 drdoolittle1929 66-70, M Jun 25, 2010 1

Enna as I am sure you know all too well, you have described my STBX to a complete T. In fact, when I left, my husband told me straight out it was a self-fulfilling prophecy for him. I find it so utterly sad. Knowing all of this today tears at my heart. It makes me ask why? Why couldn't he have let me help him, why couldn't he have gone for help in the beginning when I begged and begged.

I know, it's all a mute point at this stage, but hurts like hell jus tthe same.

Thank you Enna for sharing and helping others.

kungfuchic kungfuchic 46-50, F Jun 25, 2010 1

Very interesting. I love reading up on human behavior. Fasinating things aren't we? lol

NowSeekingHookups NowSeekingHookups 46-50, M Jun 25, 2010 1

WOW.

Talk about hitting the nail on the head! So much of what you've researched applies to my refuser spouse.

THANK YOU!!!

passionshandmaiden passionshandmaiden 41-45, F Jun 25, 2010 1

Wow, Enna thank you so much for sharing that! I really enjoyed reading it.

Yes, I do think that fear of intimacy could play a role in a lot of sexless marriages. At least I think it does somwehat play a role in mine.

I'm going to try to remember this post in the future. Truly enlightening!

Pinki3 Pinki3 36-40, F Jun 25, 2010 1

Enna, You are delightfully brilliant and I see hubby so clearly in your writing. I have a question for anyone who has read it - are you going to share this information with your spouse? Would you think it wise to do so or destructive to do so?

I would like to share it but I don't want to cause any more insecurity than already exists for him. However, I am not going to alter my life any more just so he can remain afraid - I think the time has come for him to realize the truth or for the marital situation to change/end. I don't want it to change - I love him a great deal but I need to love me too. Besides, batteries are getting expensive!

shar789 shar789 56-60 Jun 25, 2010 1

Interested in a PhD, Enna?? Fascinating, and one story I will refer to frequently. While it doesn't change the fact that we're sexless, it may well help me live with it better.

Laughing: That's why I will now have sex with a new partner right away...so I can be sure I don't develop avoidance (LOL)

maryryan maryryan 46-50, F Jun 25, 2010 2

wow, Enna, what a great analysis.

What you write is so true.

Thanks for setting the tone for the discussion.

AgeingThinker AgeingThinker 61-65, M Jun 25, 2010 1

It certainly could happen LA, altho it seems that we usually form this part of our personality when we are very young. An adult who has a healthy self esteem and finds him / herself in a sexless marriage might certainly suffer enough to make them very cautious about future relationships. But whether it would result in becoming a sexless spouse . . . ? I doubt it.

enna30 enna30 56-60, F Jun 24, 2010 1

Very informative Enna and thank you again for writing a story that makes me think and also understand better how events happened the way they did in my life. Your constant sharing of information is an inspiration. D.

dartist dartist 56-60, F Jun 24, 2010 1

Thank you, Enna!! One of the best I've ever read!

Princess Iswowed

PrincessMore PrincessMore 41-45, F Jun 24, 2010 1

Thank you very much.

That was extremely helpful for me. I'm glad you took the time to post it. Both my wife and I are very loving sensitive people, but I think we both have some of these characteristics.

Frank

Frank4 Frank4 41-45 Jun 24, 2010 1

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More From People Who Live In a Sexless Marriage

Ok, who flagged the poop story? That was the most entertaining (and informative) post I've seen on here in days. FFS.

TheWendigo TheWendigo 36-40, M 6 Responses 0 Jun 18, 2014

Ugly Tattos

Thatâ€™s how my wife refers to my tattoos. I just don't understand. I've asked her why she thinks tattoos are "ugly" and she can't give me a reason other than "Because they are." Don't get me wrong there is such a thing as a ugly tattoo...

deleted deleted 26-30 12 Responses 1 May 22, 2007

Tired of Crying and Waiting

I have been with my hisband for almost 15 yrs. (married for almost 5 yrs). I am at wits end. I am 31 and I have not had sex in almost 4 years. I am a wife, a mother, I have a job and I attend college. My husband is on prescription methadone that leaves him...

sadnlonley sadnlonley 31-35, F 14 Responses 3 Jun 13, 2007

let me tell you first about meyself i m 34 married now for 9 years i think i m very demanding possessive and love to feel loved from my partner to the extreme, lately i ve been smoking hash regularly, i consider my self a mess when it comes to decision specially in personal life...

Kingnothing280 Kingnothing280 31-35, M 2 Responses 0 Jun 26

Problems with intimacy

In an intimate relationship someone can feel very safe and entirely lose him or her self in the other. But nevertheless frequently the intimacy diminishes because of the pressure of everyday life; of children, household, work. Stress. Often you hear about this.

When you come home after a busy day sometimes you just donâ€™t want to have to talk or listen or have romantic needs. This is not a good thing if this happens all the time because intimacy is not only important for your relationship, it also ensures that we feel more fortunately. When there is a lack of intimacy the stress just increases.

The capacity for intimacy has also to do with the past. When one grew up in a family in which everyone was distant with each other, this often repeats itself in their own relationship. Also bad experiences in a former relationship can leave their marks. It is Very important that you can accept each other. To have the feeling of solidarity you must be certain that the other one accepts you as you are. When you continue to annoy yourself about clothes lying around or the volume of the television and other such small matters on daily basis, then it will be very difficult to still be intimate. When you feel yourself safely and accepted, it is easier express feelings.

People can suffer when there is a lack of intimacy. It is one of the first needs in life; just like food and drinks. Lack of intimacy is not the only factor that can kill your relationship but itâ€™s absolutely a factor to determine our quality of living. A good intimate relationship strengthens you in times of need and makes it possible to share feelings and go on. All this ensures a larger chance on survival in time.The more intimacy there is in the relationship, the more satisfaction there is.

Many people today experience a lack to intimacy with their partner by the busy existence of todayâ€™s life. Couples grow more and more apart until one wonders what still binds them together. A large number of relationships are broken for this reason nowadays.

To reach an intimate relationship, partners must be clear to each other on what their need of intimacy is. Really talking with each other and listening to each other and showing interest in the other, is the biggest form of intimacy which only increases the intimacy itself.

Accept and learn from each others differences, because these can also make you complete as well. It is easier to satisfy the needs of the other when you know what the needs are.Therefore you should talk in a possitive sense. Try to indicate what you would like, without causing feelings of guilt.

Agree on having the TV or computer of for a while or just rest together, having coffee after a long days work. Just before the family life starts again.There still can be enough moments to enjoy each other.

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Psychology Today: Here to Help

Marty Nemko

We should first ensure that students graduate with important basics before we get to esoterica.

Marty Nemko, Ph.D.

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Intimacy: The Art of Relationships

How relationships are sabotaged by hidden expectations.

By Lori H. Gordon, published on December 31, 1969 - last reviewed on August 30, 2004

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Confusion. Hurt. Silence. Missed opportunity. It is one of the ironies of modern life that many couples today are living together as complete strangers. Or worse, in great unhappiness. The data on divorce lead us to conclude that intimate relationships have been failing apart for the last 20 years or so. The truth is that couples have never learned reliably how to sustain pleasure in intimate relationships. The difference is it never mattered so much before.

Here at the close of the 20th century we have the luxury of living in splendid isolation. Unlike in more "primitive" cultures, most Americans no longer live as part of a large family or community where we develop a sense of comfort and safety, a network of people to confide in, to feel at home with. This, I have come to believe, is what has drawn many people into cults--the need to feel part of a bonded community, There is a sense of being at home emotionally as well as physically. Our culture provides for meeting all other needs, especially the need for autonomy, but not for intimacy. Within this framework, couples today must provide for each other more of the emotional needs that a larger community used to furnish.

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Compounding the wide-scale deprivation of intimacy we actually experience, our cultural talent for commercialization has separated out sex from intimacy. In fact, intimacy involves both emotional and physical closeness and openness. But we wind up confusing the two and end up feeling betrayed or used when, as often happens, we fail to satisfy our need for closeness in sex.

Shifts in our general views about what makes life worth living have also contributed to a new demand for intimacy. For many generations the answer lay in a productive life of work and service in which the reward of happiness would be ours, in Heaven. That belief has broken down. People want happiness here and now. And they want it most in their intimate relationships.

Here, it's clear, we are unlikely to find it easily. Couples today are struggling with something new--to build relationships based on genuine feelings of equality. As a result, we are without role models for the very relationships we need. And rare were the parents who modeled intimacy for us; most were too busy struggling with survival requirements. Yet the quality of our closest relationships is often what gives life its primary meaning.

Intimacy, I have come to believe, is not just a psychological fad, a rallying cry of contemporary couples. It is based on a deep biological need. Shortly after I began my career as a family therapist I was working in a residential treatment center where troubled teenage boys were sent by the courts. Through my work I began to discover what had been missing for these kids: They needed support and affection, the opportunity to express the range and intensity of their emotions. It was remarkable to discover their depth of need, their depth of pain over the lack of empathy from significant people in their lives.

It is only in the last 20 years that we recognize that infants need to be held and touched. We know that they cannot grow--they literally fail to thrive--unless they experience physical and emotional closeness with another human being. What we often don't realize is that that need for connection never goes away. It goes on throughout life. And in its absence, symptoms develop--from the angry acting out of the adolescent boys I saw, to depression, addiction, and illness. In fact, researchers are just at the very beginning of understanding the relationship of widespread depression among women to problems in their marriages.

When I brought the boys together with their families, through processes I had not learned about in graduate school, it transformed the therapy. There was change. For the adolescent boys, their problems were typically rooted in the often-troubled relationships between their parents. They lacked the nurturing environment they needed for healthy growth. What I realized was that to help the children I first had to help their parents. So I began to shift my focus to adults.

From my work in closely observing the interactions of hundreds of couples, I have come to recognize that most of what goes wrong in a relationship stems from hurt feelings. The disappointment couples experience is based on misunderstanding and misperception. We choose a partner hoping for a source of affection, love, and support, and, more than ever, a best friend. Finding such a partner is a wonderful and ecstatic experience--the stage of illusion in relationships, it has been called.

To use this conceit, there then sets in the state of disillusion. We somehow don't get all that we had hoped for. He didn't do it just right. She didn't welcome you home; she was too busy with something else; maybe she didn't even look up. But we don't have the skills to work out the disappointments that occur. The disappointments big and little then determine the future course of the relationship.

If first there is illusion, and then disillusion, what follows is confusion. There is a great deal of unhappiness as each partner struggles to get the relationship to be what each of them needs or wants it to be. One partner will be telling the other what to do. One may be placating in the expectation that he or she will eventually be rewarded by the other. Each partner uses his or her own familiar personal communication style.

Over the disappointment, the partners erect defenses against each other. They become guarded with each other. They stop confiding in each other. They wall off parts of themselves and withdraw emotionally from the relationship, often into other activities--or other relationships. They can't talk without blaming, so they stop listening. They maybe afraid that the relationship will never change but may not even know what they are afraid of There is so much chaos that there is usually despair and depression. One partner may actually leave. Both may decide to stay with it but can't function. They live together in an emotional divorce.

Over the years of working with couples, I have developed an effective way to help them arrive at a relationship they can both be happy with. I may not offer them therapy. I find that what couples need is part education in a set of skills and part exploration of experience that aims to resolve the difficulties couples trip over in their private lives.

Experience has demonstrated to me that the causes of behavior and human experience a complex and include elements that are biological, psychological, social, contextual, and even spiritual. No single theory explains the intricate dynamics of two individuals interacting over time to meet all their needs as individuals and as a couple. So without respect to theoretical coherence I have drawn from almost every perspective in the realm of psychology--from psychodynamics to family systems, communication theory and social learning theory, from behavior therapy to object relations. Over the past 25 years I have gradually built a program of training in the processes of intimacy now known as Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS). It is taught to small groups of couples in a four-month-long course in various parts of the United States and now in 13 countries.

There are no specific theories to explain why the course works. In time that will come, as researchers pinpoint exactly which cognitive, behavioral, and experiential elements (and when and for whom) are most responsible for which types of change. Nevertheless I, my associates, and increasing numbers of graduate students have gathered, and are gathering, evidence that it powerfully, positively influences marital interaction and satisfaction.

Studies of men and women before and after taking the course show that it reduces anger and anxiety, two of the most actively subversive forces in relationships. judging from the hundreds of couples who have taken the PAIRS course, partners in distressed relationships tend to have more anxiety and anger than the does the general population. Once they have taken the course there is a marked reduction in this state of anger and anxiety. What is most notable is that there is also a reduction in the personality trait of anger, which is ordinarily considered resistant to change. Learning the skills of intimacy--of emotional and physical closeness--has a truly powerful effect on people.

We also see change in measurements of marital happiness, such as the Dyadic Adjustment Scale. Tests administered before the course show that we are seeing a range of couples from the least to the most distressed. And we are getting significant levels of change among every category of couple. It is no secret that most attempts at therapy produce little or no change among the most distressed couples. Perhaps it's because what we are doing is not in the form of therapy at all, although its effects are therapeutic. In addition to improvement in many dimensions of the relationship, achieving intimacy bolsters the self-worth of both partners.

Love is a feeling. Marriage, on the other hand, is a contract--an invisible contract. Both partners bring to it expectations about what they want and don't want, what they're willing to give and not willing to give. Most often, those are out of awareness. Most marriage partners don't even know they expected something until they realize that they're not getting it.

The past is very much present in all relationships. All expectations in relationships are conditioned by our previous experience. It may simply be the nature of learning, but things that happen in the present are assimilated by means of what has happened in the past. This is especially true of our emotions: every time we have an experience in the present we also are experiencing it in the past. Emotional memory exists outside of time. It is obvious that two partners are conditioned by two different pasts. But inside the relationship it is less obvious. And that leads to all kinds of misunderstanding, disagreement, disappointment, and anger that things are not going exactly as expected.

The upshot is statements like "I can't understand women," "who knows what a woman wants," and "you can never please a man." All of the classic complaints reflect hidden expectations that have never surfaced to the point where they could be discussed, examined, kept, or discarded.

To add insult to injury, when one partner is upset, the other often compounds it unintentionally. When, for example, a woman is unhappy, men often feel they are expected to charge out and fix something. But what she really wants is for her partner to put his arms around her and hold her, to soothe her, to say simply, "I'm sorry you feel bad." It is a simple and basic longing. But instead of moving toward her, he moves away. And if when you are upset you don't get what you want from the person you are closest to, then you are not going to feel loved. Men, too, I hasten to say, have the same basic need. But they erect defenses against it for fear it will return them to a state of helplessness such as they experienced as children.

At the heart of intimacy, then, is empathy, understanding, and compassion; these are the humanizing feelings. It is bad enough that they are in short supply among distressed couples. Yet I have observed that certain careers pose substantial roadblocks to intimacy because the training involves education not in humanization but in de-humanization. At the top of the list is law. Built primarily on the adversarial process, it actively discourages understanding and compassion in favor of destroying an opponent. Careers in the military and in engineering also are dismissive of feelings and emotions. Men and women who bring what they learn from such work into a love relationship may find that it can't survive.

An understanding of intimacy has its own logic. But it runs counter to conventional wisdom and most brands of psychology. They hold that to understand the nature of, and to improve, relationships, the proper place to start is the self. The thinking is that you need to understand yourself before you can confide in a partner. But I have found just the opposite to be true.

An exploration of the self is indeed absolutely essential to attaining or rebuilding a sense of intimacy. Most of the disappointments that drive our actions and reactions in relationships are constructed with expectations that are not only hidden from our partners but also ourselves. From our families of origin and past relationship experiences, we acquire systems of belief that direct our behavior outside of our own awareness. It is not possible to change a relationship without bringing this belief system into our awareness.

But a man or a woman exploring their personal history experiences some powerful feelings that, in the absence of a partner to talk to, may make one feel worse rather than better. So the very first step a couple must take to rebuild intimacy is to learn to express their own thoughts and feelings and carefully listen to each other. A partner who knows how to listen to you can then be on hand when you open up your past.

Exploration of the self is an activity often relegated to psychotherapy; in that case a psychotherapist knows how to listen with empathy. But that is not necessarily the only way and at best is a luxury affordable only by a few. It is not only possible but desirable for couples of all economic strata to choose to confide in each other and build a relationship with a life partner rather than with a paid confidant. Both partners have an ongoing need to open up the past as well as share the present. But there are skills that have to be learned so that such interaction can be safe. Both partners need to learn how to listen without judging or giving unwanted advice. Disappointment in a partner's ability to hear is what often sends people to a psychotherapist in the first place.

All of us bring to our intimate relationships certain expectations that we have of no one else. On the positive side they usually involve undivided attention--words and gestures of love and caring, loyalty, constancy, sex, companionship, agreement, encouragement, friendship, fidelity, honesty, trust, respect, and acceptance. We are all too alert to the possibility that we will instead find their exact opposites.

If we are not aware of our own expectations (and how they are affected by our history), there is no hope of expressing them to a partner so that he or she has a shot at meeting them. More often than not, we engage instead in mind reading.

Mind reading is often related to a past disappointing relationship experience. We tend to expect what we previously had the opportunity to learn; we make assumptions based on our history. And when in personal history there are people or situations that were the source of heartache, resentment, or anxiety, then any action by a partner in the present that is similar in some way often serves as a reminder--and triggers an intense emotional reaction. I call this "emotional allergy." As with other forms of prior sensitization, the result tends to be an explosive reaction--withdrawal, counterattack--and it is typically incomprehensible to a current partner.

If I had to summarize how to change the hidden expectations that work to distort a relationship, I would boil it all down to a few basic rules:

o If you expect a partner to understand what you need, then you have to tell him or her. That of course means you have to figure out for yourself what you really need.

o You cannot expect your partner to be sensitive and understand exactly how you feel about something unless you're able to communicate to him or her how you feel in the first place.

o If you don't understand or like what your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. And vice versa. Explore. Talk. Don't assume.

Expressing your feelings about a given situation and asking for your partner's honesty in return is the most significant way to discover truth in your relationship. Instead, most communication between intimates is nonverbal and leans heavily on mind reading. The only thing you have to go on is your own internal information, which could easily be skewed by any number of factors. This is also why genuine responses are so important. Telling your partner what you think he or she wants to hear, instead of what is really going on, complicates and postpones a useful solution to the problem.

Confiding is much more than being able to reveal yourself to another. It is knowing with absolute certainty that what you think and feel is being heard and understood by your partner. Instead, we tend to be passive listeners, picking up only those messages that have a direct bearing on ourselves, rather than listening for how things are for our partner.

Listening with empathy is a learned skill. It has two crucial ingredients: undivided attention and feeling what your partner feels. Never assume that you know something unless it is clearly stated by your partner. And you need to understand fully what your partner's thoughts and feelings mean to him or her. Instead of focusing on the effects of your partner's words on you, pay attention instead to your partner's emotions, facial expression, and levels of tension. The single biggest barrier to such empathic listening is our self-interest and self-protective mechanisms. We anticipate and fill in the blanks. One of the simple truths of relationships is that often enough, all we need to do to resolve a problem is to listen to our partner--not just passively listen but truly hear what is in the mind and in the heart.

What more often happens is that, when we experience threats to our self-esteem or feel stressed, we resort to styles of communication that usually lead to more of a problem than the problem itself. The styles of communication that we resort to during stress then often prevent real contact from happening. If your partner tends to be a blamer, you will distance yourself. You develop a rational style of relating, but no feelings are ever dealt with. Not only is no love experienced, but at the emotional level nothing can get resolved.

Most people tend to react to stress with one or more of four communication styles:

o PLACATING. The placater is ingratiating, eager to please, apologetic, and a "yes" man or woman. The placater says things like "whatever you want" or "never mind about me, it's okay." It's a case of peace at any price. The price, for the placater is worthlessness. Because the placater has difficulty expressing anger and holds so many feelings inside, he or she tends toward depression and, as studies show, may be prone to illness. Placaters need to know it is okay to express anger.

o BLAMING. The blamer is a fault-finder who criticizes relentlessly and speaks in generalizations: "You never do anything right." "You're just like your mother/father." Inside, the blamer feels unworthy or unlovable, angry at the anticipation he or she will not be getting what is wanted. Given a problem, the best defense is a good offense. The blamer is unable to deal with or express pain or fear. Blamers need to be able to speak on their own behalf without indicting others in the process.

o COMPUTING. The computer is super reasonable, calm and collected, never admits mistakes, and expects people to conform and perform. The computer says things like, "Upset? I'm not upset. Why do you say I'm upset?" Afraid of emotion, he or she prefers facts and statistics. "I don't reveal my emotions and I'm not interested in anyone else's." Computers need someone to ask how they feel about specific things.

o DISTRACTING. The distractor resorts to irrelevancies under stress, avoids direct eye contact and direct answers. Quick to change the subject, he or she will say, "What problem? Let's have Sam and Bridget over." Confronting the problem might lead to a fight, which could be dangerous. Distractors need to know that they are safe, not helpless, that problems can be solved and conflicts resolved.

Each style is a unique response to pain, anger, or fear, which keeps us from understanding each other. Knowing that, the next time you find yourself resorting to blame, you can conclude there is something painful or scary bothering you and try to figure out what it is. If it's your partner who is blaming, you can conclude he or she is possibly not intending to be aggressive or mean but probably afraid of some development. What's needed is to find a way to make it safe to talk about the worry; find out what is bothering him or her.

How, then, can you say what is bothering you, or express what you really need, in a way that your partner can hear it, so that your message can be understood? This is a basic step in building the relationship you want. For this, the Daily Temperature Reading is particularly helpful.

After partners have been heard and understood, they may need to work on forgiveness. Of course, some things are unforgivable, and each partner has to decide if that line has been crossed and the relationship is worth continuing. If it is, there has to be a recognition that you can't change the past. No relationship can recover from past disappointments and mature unless both partners can find a way to let go of grudges. This is one of the most important relationship skills couples can develop.

In a relationship, letting go of grudges is something you do for yourself, not just to make your partner feel better. It is done by making simple statements of facts, not statements of blame. "You took me to your office party and you got so busy with everyone else you didn't introduce me to anyone to talk to me all night. You acted like I didn't matter and that your boss was the most important man in your life."

In the beginning, the course works best in the safety of a group, which prevents the isolation of couples and keeps partners from getting defensive and negative. But once they've practiced this, and it's a simple act of confiding, couples continue it on their own far more easily.

This is not just an exercise of the emotions. There is a cognitive restructuring taking place during these exercises. What is really going on is that one partner is, probably for the first time, learning the meaning of another's experience. That by itself enhances their closeness. All it requires is listening with empathy, and the experience becomes a source of pleasure for both of them. At the same time, there is conceptual understanding of what each is doing that deprives the relationship of pleasure and what they need to do to make it better.

Because the past continually asserts itself in present experience, both partners in a relationship are obligated to explore themselves, their beliefs, needs, and hopes, and even uniqueness of personality through their family's emotional history. Most people operate in the present, using messages and beliefs silently transmitted to them in their family of origin. Or they may be living out invisible loyalties, making decisions based not on the needs of their partner or present relationship, or even their own needs, but on some indebtedness that was incurred sometime in the past.

Particularly at issue are messages we acquire about ourselves, about life and love, trust, confiding, and closeness. Those things we take as truths about love, life, and trust are beliefs we had the chance to learn from specific people and situations in the past. It is on this information that we make the private decision to ourselves: "Nobody cares. It doesn't matter what I think or say, you're not interested in me." If, for example, you grew up in a family where your mother or father drank or was depressed, or was otherwise emotionally unavailable, you may have drawn the conclusion that no one was really interested in you.

It is vital to know the lineage of our beliefs because we transfer onto our partners what we were dealt in the past. One of the decisions often made unwittingly is, "I don't trust that anybody is really going to be any better to me." It can become a way of saying, "I'm going to get even for the way I was treated." You wind up punishing your partner for what someone else actually did.

When you displace the blame for past hurts onto you present partner, you are activating a dynamic that psychiatrist Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, M.D., describes as "the revolving ledger." At certain periods in your life, important people, or even life itself, through events that affected you, ran up a series of debits or credits in terms of what you needed. Time passed. You walked through life's revolving door. And now you hand me the bill. And you hold two hidden expectations. "Prove to me you are not the person who hurt me." In other words, "make up to me for the past." "Pay me back." And, "if you don't, if you do one thing that reminds me of that, I will punish you." The emotional transfer is accomplished.

Freud described this as transference and identified it as a crucial part of the therapeutic relationship. In fact, it is part of our everyday transactions in relationships. It is crucial to understand that this emotional transfer often does not take place early in a relationship. It sets in after a couple has been married for some time--when you are disappointed and discover what you expected or hoped to happen isn't happening.

That is the point when we transfer the hidden expectations, especially the negative ones, from our history, from any or all of our previous close relationships, whether to parents, siblings, former spouses, lovers, or friends. It is one of the core emotional transactions of marriage. And making it explicit is one of the psychological tasks of achieving intimacy.

The problem is, the person to whom you hand the bill is unaware of the account books in your head. The result is endless misunderstanding and disturbance. In fact, the attitudes you hold tend to be outside of your own, awareness. I believe that they can be found through personal exploration.

Otherwise, you find yourself thinking of your partner as the enemy, someone to hurt, someone to get even with, to punish. And because you don't recognize the ledger as the motivating power behind your behavior, you rationalize. You seek reasons to treat your partner as the enemy. You are really just evening up the balance on someone else's account.

Roger called his wife Jenny at work. She was in the middle of a staff meeting and so she was particularly abrupt with him. When she got home, she found a note from him. He was gone. From somewhere in his past experience he was so sensitized to demonstrations of lack of interest in him that her behavior constituted absolute proof. One misstep--one hint that she was anything like whoever ran up the debit--was all she was allowed. This is a common pattern in relationships. And the "proof" of disinterest could be anything. Perhaps she didn't look at him. Perhaps she was tired. Perhaps she was sick. One reason men are often intolerant of a wife who gets sick is that she isn't there for them. It is a painful reminder of other accounts from the past.

Not only do couples maintain revolving ledgers, but they also carry over feelings of indebtedness and entitlement from one generation to the next. Invisible loyalties thus accrue in a family over the generations, whether or not we end up acknowledging them. An artistic man buries his creative longing because his family legacy calls for being a success in business. For each of us, behavior is greatly affected by the family ledger of entitlement and indebtedness.

Every couple needs to trace the source of behaviors and attitudes, many of which turn out to have been handed down through their families of origin. Much unhappiness in relationships can be traced to the fact that one partner learned as a family rule never to express anger, or even perhaps happiness. Many people grow up learning to subjugate their own needs and feelings to those of others. Still the feelings influence present relationships, and until they can be brought into awareness and spoken, it is very difficult to improve current relationships.

Once a couple has done this and discovers where their beliefs come from, they can review them together and decide which legacies they want to keep, which they'd rather discard. They each work out their personal history so they do not punish the one who's here now.

At this point I find that couples do well if I introduce an experience in bonding that is usually very emotionally powerful.

For men, these experiences are revelatory. Men, because they are often cut off from the emotional part of themselves, are especially often forced to piggyback their need for intimacy on sex. They have no less need for intimacy than women, but it usually gets suppressed and denied. Or they attempt to satisfy their need for closeness through contact sports and roughhousing. They don't know how to work things out in man-woman intimate relationships. But when they learn, they almost always feel an enormous sense of wholeness and relief

In growing up men have learned that the only thing they are supposed to need to be close to a woman is sex. They discover that bonding is a valid need in its own right, and needing physical closeness doesn't mean they are going to regress into helplessness and never function again. It doesn't weaken you, it strengthens you.

But this is not learnable merely by cognitive statement. Having the experience illuminates the point and changes the thinking. The exercises are important because they integrate the emotional acceptance, the behavioral change, and the cognitive understanding that occur.

It is no news that sexual problems in a relationship are frequently the by-product of personal and relational conflicts and anxieties. For too many couples, sex has become a substitute for intimacy and a defense against closeness. Most poor sex stems from poor communication, from misunderstandings of what one's mate actually wants--not from unwillingness or inability to give it.

In the realm of sex as in other domains of the relationship, you cannot expect your partner to guess what pleases you. You are obligated to figure out for yourself what stimulates, delights, and satisfies you-and acknowledge it. It is not enough to give and receive, you also have to be able to speak up or reach out on your own behalf and take. Ideally, sexual love will be a flow of this give and take, but it has to go both ways to keep desire alive.

Before sex can be rewarding for both partners, they have to first restore the ability to confide and reestablish emotional openness, to establish a sense of camaraderie. Then physical closeness has meaning, and the meaning serves only to heighten the pleasure of the physical experience even more.

Of course, intercourse is not the only avenue to physical pleasure. There is a whole range of physical closeness couples can learn to offer each other. Being together. Hugging. Holding each other. Caressing each other's face. Massaging your partner's body. In fact, taking pleasure in each other is a habit that some couples actually have to acquire. But taking pleasure in your partner is the very thing your partner needs most from you.

THE DAILY TEMPERATURE READING

Confiding--the ability to reaveal yourself fully, honestly, and directly--is the lifeblood of intimacy. To live together with satisfaction, couples need clear, regular communication. The great intuitive family therapist Virginia Satir developed a technique for partners and families to maintain an easy flow about the big and little things going on in their lives. I have adapted it. Called the Daily Temperature Reading, it is very simple (and works for many other kinds of relationships as well).

Do it daily, perhaps as you sit down to breakfast. At first it will seem artificial--hokey, even. In time you'll evolve your own style. Couples routinely report it is invaluable for staying close--even it they let it slide for a day or two when they get busy. It teaches partners how to listen non-defensively and to talk as a way to give information arather than to stir a reaction. Here are the basics:

Sit close, perhaps even knee-to-knee, facing your partner, holding each other's hands. This simple touching creates an atmosphere of acceptance for both.

1. APPRECIATION. Take turns expressing appreciation for something your partner has done--and thanking each other.

2. NEW INFORMATION. In the absence of information, assumptions--often false ones--rush in. Tell your partner something ("I'm not looking forward to the monthly planning meeting this morning") to keep contact alive and let your partner in on your mood, your experiences--your life. And then listen to your partner.

3. PUZZLES. Take turns asking each other something you don't understand and your partner can explain: "Why were you so down last night?" Or voice a question about yourself: "I don't know why I got so angry while we were figuring out expenses." You might not find answers, but you will be giving your partner some insight about yourself. Besides, your partner may have insights about your experiences.

4. COMPLAINT WITH REQUEST FOR CHANGE. Without placing blame or being judgemental, cite a specific behavior that bothers you and state the behavior you are asking for instead. "If you're going to be late for dinner, please call me. That way the kids and I can make our own plans and won't be waiting for you."

5. HOPES. Sharing hopes and dreams is integral to a relationship. Hopes can range from the mundane ("I hope you don't have to work this weekend") to the grandiose ("I'd really love to spend a month in Europe with you"). But the more the two of you bring dreams into immediate awareness, the more likely you'll find a way to realize them.

BONDING EXERCISE

Most people put a lid on the hurts or fears of the past: "It doesn't bother me anymore"; "It isn't that important." But I find that it is essential to lift that lid--in the context of the current relationship--to close the revolving ledger.

o Choose a time when you are feeling somewhat edgy.

o Put on some soft music in the background.

o Lie down with your partner. Lie on your sides cradled into each other, both facing the same direction.

While your partner is holding you, quietly reveal something he or she does that triggers a full-blown intense emotional reaction in you. It might be that she doesn't listen to you. Or he interrupts you constantly. Or doesn't call when he's away. Or rejects whatever you suggest. "When you do this, I am very upset." As you are speaking, your partner is holding you and listening.

Now tell your partner what experience out of your history your reaction connects to. Perhaps his not calling infuriates you because it arouses the fear you felt when a parent left or died. Or your first husband walked out.

Now comes the remarkable part. Tell your partner what you would have needed to happen in your history that would have helped. What actions would you have preferred to have happened? What words would you have needed to hear?

Now let your partner tell you what you needed to hear, while you take it in. Your partner is free to say it in his or her own way: "I'm sorry that happened to you"; "I wish I had been there."

And now discuss the price you are paying in your current relationship for having this emotional reaction to events of the past. Perhaps it is that you don't talk to your partner, you withdraw, withhold, get even.

What you talk about next is what you can then do to help yourself. "How can I signal you neutrally to let you know when you trigger this response in me."

At this point you are talking about what will help you in the future. You are jointly and consciously outlining useful behaviors, constructing a relationship in which actions and experiences have the same meaning and same effect for both of you. This is essential for happiness to occur in a relationship.

PLAYING DEAD

Rarely in long-term relationships do we talk about what we appreciate in our partner. Yet it is not possible to sustain a pleasurable relationship without that. I have found that most couples need to rediscover what it is they value in each other.

I have developed an exercise that can quickly restore a sense of priorities, of what is important in life and in a relationship. Don't be misled by its simplicity. I ask a couple to talk about what they never talk about together--death and loss. This usually turns out to be an experience with a dramatic--literally and figuratively--emotional impact.

Choose a quiet time and a quiet place when there are no immediate pressures on you or your partner. Plan ahead to set aside the time. Allow about an hour.

Lie down on the floor, eyes closed, arms crossed or at your side, as if you were dead. Take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to relax, but remain still.

Your partner now gets to imagine that you are gone, and talk to you as if you were. Your partner must speak about what he or she will miss about you, any regret, etc. Give him or her time to get into the experience. All you do is lie still and listen. Then switch places, while you speak about what you will miss.

Most people are profoundly moved by the emotional discoveries they make about themselves, their partner, and their relationship. They realize they have something they don't want to throw away.

But in the days to come, don't stop there. Use what you have learned to construct a more rewarding relationship. Sit down in a spirit of goodwill, voice your appreciations, make a specific request for behavioral change, and jointly negotiate the steps that will preserve the emotional closeness.

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What is Fear of Intimacy?

Fear of intimacy is an often subconscious fear of closeness that frequently affects peopleâ€™s personal relationships. This fear of physical and/or emotional intimacy tends to show up in peopleâ€™s closest and most meaningful relationships.

Where Does This Fear of Intimacy Come From?

While there are times when we are aware of actually being apprehensive and distrusting of love, we are more likely to identify these fears as concern over potentially negative outcomes: rejection, the deterioration of a relationship or feelings of affection that arenâ€™t returned. However, our fear of intimacy is often triggered by positive emotions even more than negative ones. In fact, being chosen by someone we truly care for and experiencing their loving feelings can often arouse deep-seated fears of intimacy and make it difficult to maintain a close relationship.

Why Do Positive Feelings Trigger a Fear of Intimacy?

It may be surprising to learn that the real resistance to intimacy often doesnâ€™t come from the acts of our partners, but from a lurking enemy within us.

The problem is that the positive way a lover sees us often conflicts with the negative ways we view ourselves. Sadly, we hold on to our negative self-attitudes and are resistant to being seen differently. Because it is difficult for us to allow the reality of being loved to affect our basic image of ourselves, we often build up a resistance to love.

Where Do These Negative Attitudes Come From?

These negative core beliefs are based on deep-seated feelings that we developed in early childhood of being essentially bad, unlovable or deficient. While these attitudes may be painful or unpleasant, at the same time they are familiar to us, and we are used to them lingering in our subconscious. As adults, we mistakenly assume that these beliefs are fundamental and therefore impossible to correct.

How Does Fear of Intimacy Affect Us?

We donâ€™t intentionally reject love to preserve a familiar identity. Instead, during times of closeness and intimacy, we react with behaviors that create tension in the relationship and push our loved one away.

Here are some common ways people distance themselves emotionally as a result of a fear of intimacy:

Withholding affection

Reacting indifferently or adversely to affection or positive acknowledgement

Becoming paranoid or suspicious of a partner

Losing interest in sexuality

Being overly critical of a partner

Feeling guarded or resistant to being close

How to Overcome a Fear of Intimacy?

In order to overcome our fear of intimacy, we must challenge our negative attitudes toward ourselves and not push our loved ones away. It is possible to challenge our core resistance to love. We can confront our negative self-image and grow our tolerance for a loving relationship.

We can overcome our fears of intimacy and enjoy more loving and more intimate relationships.

More on the Fear of Intimacy

Love is not only hard to find, but strange as it may seem, it can be even more difficult to accept and tolerate. Most of us say that we want to find a loving partner, but many of us have deep-seated fears of intimacy that make it difficult to be in a close relationship. The experience of real love often threatens our self-defenses and raises our anxiety as we become vulnerable and open ourselves up to another person. This leads to a fear of intimacy. Falling in love not only brings excitement and fulfillment; it also creates anxiety and fears of rejection and potential loss. For this reason many people shy away from loving relationships.

Fear of intimacy begins to develop early in life. As kids, when we experience rejection and/or emotional pain, we often shut down. We learn not to rely on others as a coping mechanism. We may even begin to rely on fantasy gratification rather actual interactions with other people; unlike people, fantasies cannot hurt us. Overtime, we may prefer these fantasy over actual personal interactions and real positive acknowledgment or affection. After being hurt in our earliest relationships, we fear being hurt again. We are reluctant to take another chance on being loved.

If we felt unseen or misunderstood as children, we may have a hard time believing that someone could really love and value us. The negative feelings we developed toward ourselves in our early years, became a deeply embedded part of who we think we are. Therefore, when someone is loving and reacts positively toward us, we experience a conflict within ourselves. We donâ€™t know whether to believe this new personâ€™s kind and loving point of view of us or our old, familiar sense of our identity. So, we often react with suspicion and distrust when someone loves us, because our fear of intimacy has been aroused.

fear_of_intimacy_buy_now

Our capacity to accept love and enjoy loving relationships can also be negatively affected by existential issues. When we feel loved and admired, we start to place more value on ourselves and begin to appreciate life more. This can lead us to feel more pain about the thought of death. We fear both the loss of our loved one and of ourselves, and in the process many of us unconsciously pull back from our relationships. Fear of death tends to increase the fear of intimacy.

Even though the fear of intimacy is a largely unconscious process, we can still observe how it effects our behavior. When we push our partner away emotionally or retreat from their affection, we are acting on this fear of intimacy. Holding back the positive qualities that our partner finds most desirable is another way we act on this fear. We often try to make ourselves less lovable, so we donâ€™t have to be as afraid of being loved. These distancing behaviors may reduce our anxiety about being too close to someone, but they come at a great cost. Acting on our fears preserves our negative self-image and keeps us from experiencing the great pleasure and joy that love can bring.

However, we can overcome fear of intimacy. We can develop ourselves to stop being afraid of love and let someone in. We can recognize the behaviors that are driven by our fear of intimacy and challenge these defensive reactions that preclude love. We can remain vulnerable in our love relationship by resisting retreating into a fantasy of love or engaging in distancing and withholding behaviors. We can maintain our integrity, learn to â€œsweat throughâ€ the anxiety of being close without pulling away, and gradually increase our tolerance for being loved. By taking the actions necessary to challenge our fear of intimacy, we can expand our capacity for both giving and accepting love.

Read More Articles About the Fear of Intimacy

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Tags: afraid of intimacy, couple, defenses, fear of intimacy, intimacy, love, marriage, Must Read, relationship

72 Comments

KonstantinMiller July 6th, 2009

You know so many interesting infomation. You might be very wise. I like such people. Donâ€™t top writing.

Nikki D August 26th, 2012

This is the best article that Iâ€™ve read on the subject and I have read a few. It is certainly the most helpful. Thank you for using a movie that I loved (and never really knew why until now) to illustrate your point. Thank you.

Sherry September 3rd, 2012

wow, this is really a good article, will definitely go watch this movie again. Do keep writing!

Ana Contreras March 23rd, 2015

What movie are you referencing? Iâ€™d like to see it, but there isnâ€™t a link included in this article.

PsychAlive March 23rd, 2015

The article originally referenced the film â€œAs Good as it Gets,â€ however that section was later edited and the reference was removed.

lne December 20th, 2013

Thank you

Jenny January 6th, 2014

I wonder what film the comments are aboutâ€¦ The article above (Understanding fear of intimacy) doesnâ€™t mention any!

I guess the original article was removed, but they left the comments ??

admin January 6th, 2014

Yes, the article originally referenced the way fear of intimacy was demonstrated in the movie â€˜As Good as It Gets.â€™

Thomas January 8th, 2014

Someone needs to say something about articles like this, which expresses a conventional wisdom that is practically Disney-esque in its reassuring simplicity â€“ and cluelessness. After years of struggling with â€“ and fleeing or sabotaging â€“ relationships, I did what you recommend, and itâ€™s not so simple and rosy: in fact, it was a bad move. It was such a bad move that I can warmly recommend that avoidants should do the opposite of what you suggest, and learn to be alone until such time as those fears have subsided naturally (if they ever do). Fear of intimacy may be based in intuition about oneself: ignoring it and pressing forward may be a terribly bad idea. In my case it led to a growing dependence on my partner that can only be described as an addiction: I have become engulfed, precisely what I now realize I feared. I donâ€™t especially enjoy the relationship, but thoughts of it ending create intolerable distress and panic. I have gradually given up my own goals, which do not fit my partnerâ€™s, and have sunk into a kind of depression, which has made it even harder to dig myself out. My partner, a wonderful person, is mostly unaware of whatâ€™s going on, because I am afraid to tell her and â€œrock the boatâ€. The situation is distressing, painful, and embarrassing (go ahead, tell friends and family that you have lost yourself, are miserable, and need rescuing from a relationship with someone they all believe is the best thing that ever happened to you).

Avoidants may act like they do because they know themselves better than they think: like someone who avoids alcohol out of a subconscious awareness of a tendency to addiction, they absolutely should NOT be encouraged to ignore their concerns. A â€œnormalâ€ person may be equipped to handle the siren song of a relationship (or alcohol), but the avoidant may be an avoidant precisely because (s)he is not.

dekorah January 17th, 2014

Wellâ€¦..Hereâ€™s a song I wrote and sang about Pushing Someone Awayâ€¦.. **sigh**

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLyKAv-H6uc.

And Hang in there Thomas, I feel for you with your postâ€¦.Whatever you do, youâ€™ve gotta get your Goals back, as I am sure they were once very important to you. Peace ??

Just Me March 26th, 2014

Dear Thomas,

I may be wrong but I feel your raw wounds behind your sarcasm. Yeah adressing the fear of intimacy in just an article may seem disneyesque I agree. However, I also think itâ€™s a good start and it can give us some clues where to start. Being avoidant is not a paradox of being dependent. Both are attempts to jugulate love relationships. You are right again, distancing was indeed your defense against losing yourself in a relationship. I think what we have to work on is find the right distance in a relationship. We have to admit we want to love and be loved. Keeping away from love will just starve that part of us craving for it.

Good luck in your path to love,

And most of all your path to self love

Just Me

Justmyopinion April 25th, 2014

Hi Thomas, I feel like you just wrote my life story. OMG! It does feel worse to ignore your instincts and push on. It feels cruel and as if you are not honoring yourself. Instead you are running over yourself with a bulldozer. It weakens your spirit and just makes you a worse partner for the person you are coupled with. Pair your low self-esteem with new doubts as to who you are and if you are indeed a strong person and thenâ€¦.., let the dysfunctional codependent relationship begin!!!

As for the reply from Just Me, I agree, learning the right balance so one does not lose themselves in a relationship is the key. But if one is not whole on their own, then what are they bringing to their partner? Why force it when a healthy step back and reflection may be in order for the intimate-fearing person?

Linda April 27th, 2014

Thomas,

You just said everything thatâ€™s going on with me as well. Yeah, heâ€™s the best thing that happened to me. Thatâ€™s all I hear. I, too, have that fear of ending the relationship. Iâ€™m so trapped. Though I do love him, he is not for me. Iâ€™m just wasting time.

paleghost December 26th, 2014

I hear you. I felt the same way in a relationship I finally ended in typically dramatic, painful fashion. Whatâ€™s worse, I wasted his time. He was devastated when I ended the relationship as he thought (as Iâ€™d led him to believe) that everything was fine. Now I have to live with the guilt and shame because I hurt a lovely man that absolutely did not deserve itâ€¦I tried but I just couldnâ€™tâ€¦

Patrick January 14th, 2015

So Iâ€™m finding myself on the receiving end of this exact situation â€“ we have been dating for 4 months and reached a point where she has told me she is filled with anxiety and scared of an intimate relationship with me. The chemicals have worn off, the curtain is pulled back and we see each other for our authentic selves. Her fear stems from low self esteem and deeming herself not worthy/ready to give me the kind of relationship she thinks I deserve. She has been in therapy for years and has a high degree of emotional intelligence and knows herself. So sheâ€™s been very honest and direct with me that she is prepared to walk away to work on herself if her anxiety canâ€™t drop to a manageable level.

So the conundrum is complex: we â€œgetâ€ each other and have a tremendous amount of chemistry and compatability. We love each other and there is a good connection, so the ingredients of a good relationship are there as well. She has said she would

Like to try to work through this innthe context of our relationship but there are no guarantees and Inhave to be okay with slowing things down and her pulling back, which is perfectly valid. I have my own anxious/attachment demons to battle so pulling back is okay by me. Do you cash in your chips and honor the experience or stick with it with lowered expectations and see where it goes?

Jones October 20th, 2015

Iâ€™ve entered the point in my life where my friends are loosing their first kisses, their virginityâ€™s, and constantly brag about every detail of their relationshipsâ€¦ I always loved hearing them happy, and hearing of their cute moments. But I was faced with a boy that told me he liked me, he wanted to date me. He was so nice and funny and sweet, but i felt so much discomfort with the whole situation. We hugged, for what felt like forever but I just felt nervous and full of fear. I didnâ€™t like the thought of rejection, but what I feared most was not being enough. I told him I wasnâ€™t ready for a relationship despite his trying to get me to say yes. (He was going through a depression) I felt so terrible and uncomfortable in my own skin that with shaking hands i went to my schools bathroom and cried my eyes out. I just hated myself in that instant so much. Even later on, when I was confronted with someone else that liked me, I found myself panicing for no reason, all i felt was fear, and nerves. Hell, i was shaking i was so scarred. And worst of all I had no idea why, and after talking to my friends and doing research, I diagnosed myself with fear of intimacyâ€¦ That feeling of fear, and panic, its so much and it hits me out of no where, I honestly donâ€™t know how to tackle the future that comes my way

John October 17th, 2016

Well itâ€™s sure clear that you have refused to deal with YOUR deep seeded emotional baggage. It is apparent that you have been hurt over and over again and havenâ€™t addressed those hurts appropriately. Sometimes the person is so wounded that it makes it impossible for them to even admit they have a problem. I think you have so much buried down deep inside of you that only a licensed therapist can help you. I do know one things for fact â€¦.. Negative emotions are NEVER buried dead, they are buried alive and if left alone will grow inside of you like a cancer. Negative hurts will always come back and usually in a physical way.

Angelo December 3rd, 2017

I think you are right, but while you are alone, you need to focus on rebuilding your self image to make it positive and techniques like meditation, self affirmations, and therapy are useful for rebuilding this self image. Unless you treat the underlying causes you will never have a healthy relatonship

GMan January 12th, 2014

I suffer from this problem and have no idea what to do. Will it go naturally? IV decided to go to therapy to help my self esteem because apparently itâ€™s a big cause of fear of intimacy. Also does this problem lead to one falling for much younger girls because they are subconsciously unavailable? Help would be greatly appreciated

Charlie January 27th, 2014

I have been married for 42 yrs. My husband & I both have issues but Iâ€™ve worked on mine over the years but husband refuses to see that he too has issues. Donâ€™t know what to do â€“ feel like Iâ€™m no more than a maid. He avoids any kind of touch and when he does I feel violated not loved. I donâ€™t want to be touched by someone who thinks he is doing me a favor? Iâ€™ve been advised to leave but it is so so hard too!

Noora March 1st, 2014

Iâ€™ve been sabotaging my relationships without knowing whatâ€™s wrong with me. Lately Iâ€™ve come to understand that Iâ€™m really scared of letting people come close to me and I see myself acting differently in different situations in the relationship than I actually act. On paper my life is really good so itâ€™s hard to explain people that taking the risk and making the leap are not so easy for me when Iâ€™m crippled with fear inside and intimacy is really hard for me. â€œJust go for itâ€ doesnâ€™t really help. In meaningful relationships i push people away and make all the excuses why i donâ€™t like them and why it wouldnâ€™t work. Then after I start blaiming myself for hurting the other person and go get them back. And this repeats. Iâ€™m 25 and in a way I feel lucky that I understand that Iâ€™m not crazy, but this is something that I can work for. I go to therapy because I want to be able to enjoy life and not become my mother who was never emotionally there for me. I donâ€™t think it goes away by itself. Some people can learn to live with it and some can work on it by themselves, but for me therapy at the moment is the way to go. I havenâ€™t found the tools to help myself so I need help from an outsider. And yes it is a lot to do with self esteem. When others say that youâ€™re are beautiful or smart and you see yourself the opposite, itâ€™s really hard to believe that they love as the way you are.

George March 12th, 2014

For a lot of reasons I do feel related myself into the contents of this article. For some reason I am constantly sabotaging any sort of relationship (specially romantic ones). Although I have people that I talk to, I simply canâ€™t make them come closer to me and feel more intimate , I always fear what will happen next and expect some bad ending to any sort of relationship. I feel a lot the fear of loss, and that is pushing me away from any sort of true relationship. In my teenager years, I was known for being the guy that was better left alone, someone that simply you wouldnâ€™t waste your time with. The few people that decided to stick with me, later on I found out that they were not even friends, they were opportunists that expected me to grant them something that they alone couldnâ€™t attain (most of them was about marks and studying matters, since I always was someone who hadnâ€™t difficulties with this subject). After that, colleague is when everything went to worse: people just turned their backs to me only because I didnâ€™t fit in their â€œnormalâ€ behavior or ways of having â€œfunâ€. Since then, my personality became a lot more distant and most of the time I just wanted to be alone and try to enjoy myself as much as possible (although I ended up crying on my own sometimes for some reasonable amount of time, but I would wind up those feelings some time after, even if they came back after some time, which could be weeks or even months). After I graduated, I then noticed something very weird: I was maybe being â€œstubbornâ€ about myself and something was truly missing, even without knowing what it was. After some self reflection about it (which was almost an year) I came to realize that what I was missing was a true relationship, being with someone you could be yourself without trouble and having the other person being herself without reservation, having mutual affection to each other. After I realized that, I tried to engage with some women I knew, but the point here is, I â€œtriedâ€. When I though about it, felt a lot restless and my brain instantly sounded the alarm I should â€œstay awayâ€ from that sort of thing because I actually felt something â€œweirdâ€ about it. And this is when I stumbled upon this article and cleared up the matter for me. You maybe thinking this is just another rambling from an idiot that doesnâ€™t even know how to live his live, but if you read my rambling this far I thank you, stranger, for your precious time to read all of this.

And one more thing, I am thankful for the author to come up with this article!

Gloria August 10th, 2015

Enjoyed very much reading the post and your courage for being honest.

Would like to know what article you were referring to. Thank you in advance for answering.G

D. March 31st, 2014

I canâ€™t really personally relate to this issue but my best friend seems to be the one going though it. I met her online years ago and while we were far apart, we had a tremendous friendship. She opened up to me easily and I did the same. We talked constantly and she always gave me the things I needed in a friendship (love, compassion, care, time, affection, etc). About a year ago, I moved to her town. We had discussed how exciting it was and how amazing we thought itâ€™d be to experience life physically together. But, once I got here, EVERYTHING changed. She became distant and was more worried about talking to and spending time with people who werenâ€™t physically here. She neglected me and my needs and anytime I brought up the issue, she brushed it off and blamed it on her having a tough time adjusting from being alone to being with someone day in and out. I trusted her. But for a year, we had problems that only got worse and worse. She hid things that she never hid before. Lied to me about important things in her life. And just kept me in the dark for months on in. Eventually, I got tired and so did she. We had a blow out and her anger was the only thing allowing her to express her true inner most feelings towards the situation. She told me that when I moved there, I got too close and her body reacted. I didnâ€™t know what this meant exactly. But she later said that online, it is easy being there for someone emotionally. Physically, itâ€™s way different and the pressure is too much. She explained how in person she never letâ€™s anyone in and although she had never expected to push me away, after years of being close, she ended up doing it anyone pretty much subconsciously. At this point, we are both holding on so tightly to a friendship we donâ€™t want to lose. Sheâ€™s terrified of losing me but deep down feels like she canâ€™t be the person that I need (the person she was online). I believe that she needs to face her fears and get past them somehow but sheâ€™s convinced that at this time, she canâ€™t. What should I do? I want to stay friends and be there for her but she is basically asking me to be casual friends with her (like have fun but without an emotional attachment). And I feel that is asking a lot of me considering weâ€™ve been best friends with an emotional attachment to one another for years already. And I feel it may be just too hard to change from that and I feel that she may be being kind of selfish asking me to cater to her fear and enable her. I love her so much. She is like family to me and I want to see her succeed. But how can I convince someone to try when they are already convinced they canâ€™t change?

Kat October 8th, 2015

I know this is way late for you to see this reply but I have an easier time handling casual or friends with benefits type of relationship. As soon as the other person wants a serious relationship and says love, I start getting distant and short(mean) with them. If I could only find someone that wants that weekend relationship and keep it casual, I would be good with that and keep the intimacy out of it and the other person constantly wanting to see me. Maybe why I hook up with losers in a relationship so it is easier on me to get distant from them.

will December 16th, 2016

how do i get my girlfriend back i guess i said i love you way to much and she seemed scared of me because she knows i mean everything i said and done we where meant to be and idk how to set the shit back on track everything i said i did and done meant i meant everything and then i got into a fight at school because she told my friend stuff that i told her and he was furious with me and i wanted to talk and all i kept doing was trying to talk until we ended up fighting this girl is the love of my life i swear to god i would do anything but im suspended and now she had that chance to tell me that she is afraid of me physically and mentally and emotionally!! right now i been thinking about this and i been doing research until i found this and it describes her 100% and then i realize her past and how this guy broke her hurt where she cant trust anyone and i been so good to her like i keep telling her we can get through this together you don have to get anyone else attention because im the guy im here for you and i love you like until the day i die and i meant it she broke up with me on Wednesday and its friday idk how long i can do this i need her and i want her to stop trying to bull shit our relationship i mean she is 3 years younger and im 17 but we are meant to be and its true like its so weird i feel like im in a love story type movie

Marie April 4th, 2014

After realizing that maybe I was the problem, I started researching what was â€œwrongâ€ with me. When I found this article, I felt that I could relate, and suddenly everything became a little clearer. But discovering the reason for why I push people away, didn

gene willis April 10th, 2014

have you ever went 41 years without love and intimacy?do you have any concept to thar? if you did experience that much time passage,please explain how you felt.i will check back on you,r fallow up answear.one more,i lived this life,and i can tell if you are just acting out a fantasise or telling the truth.by for now.

Natalia May 18th, 2014

Very interesting read, but I do disagree with forcing yourself to be intimately close to someone when you are simply not ready to share yourself with another. With age itâ€™s become harder and harder for me to connect (I am 28) when I am more set in my ways and a lot more selective about people that enter my life. Itâ€™s a contious decision, and I believe, a rational one. I am not fearful of being hurt, and fear is not a good word for meâ€¦ Maybe I stuck in denial, but I simply donâ€™t want to settle and waste my time when I feel complete and content with being by myself. I donâ€™t suffer for any major insecurities and believe to have a healthy self-esteem and many suitors to chose from, I am unsuccessful in finding an emotionally mature partner and can look past my exterior and see that I have much more to offer and give. How can a person appreciate my other qualities when he is only focused on my looks alone?!

Nata July 28th, 2014

I believe that some people were made to be in a relationship and others to be single. How do you know? you enjoy your own company. Society wants to couple people and those who canâ€™t adjust have a problem. It is very sad to read about people who loss themselves in relationships and couples that are together merely because of routine. Both are very unhealthy for the individual as unhealthy as that person thinking they have a problem because they are unable to hold a relationship that has the potential to form a family. Everything in life is a learning process. It is healthy to be single and feel content about it. Donâ€™t let society tell you that you are abnormal because you are not ready for an intimate relationship. It comes with time patient and professional help. By professional help I donâ€™t mean a book that is talking in general points but someone who is able to directly address your unique situation. If deep down you feel content then let it be, you are not hurting anyone except for those waiting for you to have a partner more than you do for yourself.

sonjia August 8th, 2014

I had a great childhood my single mom taking care of her children. I had a strong family presence in my life. My mom finally dated someone after 9 years being single after my dad. The man had many faults. I still had a good childhood. I was a social outcast all of my school life but that didnâ€™t matter because I had a pillar of a mom that stood strong! Then I turned 13 my life went wrong. My mom started doing drugs. My dad who hadnâ€™t always been there become our new home. My strong family blanket gone! I had messed around with a boy before going to my dadâ€™s house. I thought this is love right? It wasnt. he tried to pull moves on my twin. I couldnâ€™t handle my school issues well and I started to believe the things people said. I even stood up for the hurt only to be judge for doing that. As I grew up I went to college to a school I didnâ€™t want to go to. To a career I donâ€™t think I really wanted. To a place I had to stay cause I couldnâ€™t afford anything else. There I saw my mom with her boyfriend and there constant physical mental abuse. I ran from it by using games. They stolen from me lied to me and mentally confused me to the point of no return. I have never loved another person other than my twin. I have friends but they come and go cause thatâ€™s how life is. As I get older and older I pull away faster from people. My mom now finally clean for 6 months. Doesnâ€™t understand why I dont date. She told me to play the field. I donâ€™t want to â€¦ but I do.. Iâ€™m 28 years old and Iâ€™ve been self reflecting for 10 years. When will I be able to let go. I only have knowledge but I canâ€™t seem to use it. I understand .. i know what I need to do and no matter how I try to talk myself in the end Iâ€™m always Iâ€™m always the same. I canâ€™t figure it out. I being to hate me I wasnâ€™t like this before .

azika September 21st, 2014

l totally identify with what you only difference is that lâ€™m that much older than you â€“ 25 years. l wish you peace.

Dominic November 13th, 2014

I am somewhat dubious regarding the prevalence of â€œfear of intimacyâ€ as an affliction. I have no basis to dispute that it is real; simply overused. First, the conflation of intimacy with sex causes one to blame a partnerâ€™s diminishing interest in sex on FOI, even where it may be a natural evolution of a long-term relationship. Unfortunately, our innate narcissism causes us to blame anotherâ€™s FOI rather than accept that there are genuine reasons for a change in feelings or desires. Second, the overuse of the term FOI reminds me of the juvenile taunts hurled in the schoolyard at a child who wonâ€™t pursue a reckless endeavor at the urging of peers (i.e., â€œYou wonâ€™t do ________ because youâ€™re afraidâ€). This technique is troublesome (and immature) because it allows one to project their own insecurity on a partner rather than entertain the possibility that he/she is expressing their genuine feelings. Just because someone doesnâ€™t say what you want to hear doesnâ€™t mean they suffer from FOI. Finally, it feels like professionals who author blogs use FOI as a panacea to explain all relationship problems. Use of vague terms like â€œfantasy bondâ€ or â€œreal substantial relationshipsâ€ are highly subjective terms often used without context. Reality is that we must constantly challenge ourselves and ask if we are being honest about our feelings. Only after holding ourselves accountable can we question the myriad issues that arise in our relationships, of which FOI may or may not be a culprit.

Udiyaman November 7th, 2017

In a comment section full of people relating to the article and sharing their emotional experiences, your comment stands out as one lacking any emotional character whatsoever. Your approach to this topic reflects that you may have gone through some form of rigorous academic training. As someone from a science background myself, and who has gone through significant introspection, I have learnt that FOI is indeed a VERY SIGNIFICANT underlying factor across the board when it comes relationship troubles, both emotional and sexual. The deeper you go into your own mind, the more you will realise this. In my opinion the article is correct in referring to it as a root cause of so many problems. I hope you will go further into your emotional structure, and get more in touch with who you are at your core. I wish you best of luck my friend, may all be well with you

reema January 24th, 2015

Thanks for the lovely article. I wasnâ€™t aware that I was suffering from F.O.Iâ€¦.

Amanda February 1st, 2015

This is a good article and seems very much to describe me. Iâ€™ve been trying to figure out my root problems and have landed on FOI or fear of abandonment.

Hereâ€™s the thing. Iâ€™m so good at avoidance that Iâ€™ve been in only one pseudo relationship (I went out with a guy I didnâ€™t like for a whileâ€¦ because I didnâ€™t like him and didnâ€™t want to get too attached) but have an anxiety attack every time Iâ€™m around any guy I like who is a)available and/or b)interested and run like a Kenyan for an Olympic medal. Iâ€™ve tried to stop it, but I havenâ€™t been able to get over the anxiety even with alcohol and determination. I can only imagine being the guy in that situation. The myriad of mixed emotions coming out as mixed messages as fear, interest, anger at myself, speculation, nausea and despair war inside of me.

Most of the time I know myself to be pretty, intelligent, good, and industrious. But in those moments when I am attracted to someone I realize how ugly, fat, lazy, immoral and stupid I really am and wallow in my inferiority. It doesnâ€™t matter that when I reflect on it, I know that the other person has faults too. I am egocentric in my failures and foibles.

I cannot overpower the visceral emotion of unworthiness with the logical knowledge of my good worth (at the risk of sounding egotistical I am a good catch- average to pretty looks, well educated with a good job and generally sweet and loyal disposition)

So how do I get over this? No one will ever get close to me. Do I want them to? Should I want them to get close?

anonymous September 26th, 2016

This is exceptionally well written. It has provided great clarity for me. Thank you. Iâ€™m sure with your insight and self-awareness, you can make great progress on this issue.

kk November 23rd, 2017

â€¦WOW! I have yet to read a more accurate comment that mirrors the trials and tribulations in my own life. My problem is I am fully aware of what my problem is and I also know that there are steps in order to combat these pessimistic feelings however where my roadblock lies is not knowing how far I will need to go or how long it will take to get over these insecure mind games I set myself up for. The thing is I CRAVE a relationship. Iâ€™m a SUCKER FOR THEM. However, Iâ€™ve always been better off living vicariously through movies/shows or my friends and giving them advice on their relationships instead of going out and finding my own. What I really want to know is will I ever get over this hurdle and meet a guy I deserve and more importantly truly FEEL that I deserve? Or will I be blissfully-miserably single foreverâ€¦

Marc MoÃ¯ni December 29th, 2017

Look up Pia Mellody on YouTube. Or see my videos on anxiety there (search for my name), where I summarize the results of many months spent looking for the best explanations and remedies that people have come up with for anxiety, which fear of intimacy is a variant of.

Hopefully this will explain why you get scared, and based on that, what you can do to grow stronger emotionally. Once we lift the instinctive blocks to loving ourself, that for many of us were required in order to survive danger during our childhood, and once we love ourself again, then we no longer perceive so much danger in getting rejected, and fear becomes manageable.

Ryan Clem February 21st, 2015

I litterelly think i just grew up a little. Here I am a tough Veteran who got back from deployment to meet a girl and start getting really close, i knew i had avoidant issues in the past but since i self medicated with prostitution that shouldnt be a problem anymore? â€¦ So this very caring young woman decides Im the real deal and am in it for the rifht reasons invites me into bed and i freeze, i dont say a word, next day we dont talk about it. 2months later she invites me over, pours some wine, we go on a walk, she calls me out on how she knows ive liked her for months, we get back and I can tell she is so frustrated at what shes doing wrong, she says again i knew you thought i was hot, yes i reply. I know you like me? Yes. Im sitting there like wtf dude? Theres no wall to climb, shes right there AND your upsetting her by not being intimate!! i say nothing. Im still trying to figure out what just happened. So the next day i send her a text about not wanting to see her anymore. Why did i hurt her?

My mother left when i was 4. And she passed 2weeks before deployment. Im 27 now. And between all that time i was never nurtured by a female. Im going to look into this alot more becuase i think im just scared to get hurt again.

DavidC April 22nd, 2015

My girlfriend of four years has a fear of intimacy. She thinks she doesnâ€™t but she definately does. Weâ€™ve only kissed. She only feels comfortsble holding haneds. No touching, no sex, she doesnâ€™t want to go on holiday or anywhere really with me other than walking her dog. She will go places with her carer (she is partially sighted) but she doesnâ€™t go anywhere with me alone.

For example she says she is not ready to go on a day out to Blackpool, she is not ready for touching or sex. Weâ€™ve never even stayed the night together. If she is not ready for that after four years together, she never will be if we donâ€™t seek help. But how can we seek help if one partner is in denial?

I donâ€™t know what to do, how do we get help if she wonâ€™t admit she has a fear of intimacy.

I love her with all my heart but I am scared we

wonâ€™t have a future.

I feel bad posting about it here but I really donâ€™t know where to turn.

Any idvice?

Jerry June 17th, 2015

Hi David, itâ€™s interesting that you stayed together for four years in that situation. I know you love each other, but it is important to explore within yourself what the secondary gain may be to have stayed all this time. Consider seeing a Gestalt therapist. It has helped me.

Christine November 29th, 2015

Dear David! I hope your issue is resolved till that time. I read your story and was really touched, but please do not listen to advices to separate from your beloved one as if these relations are not worth of trying to develop them! I hope you will have strength to go on. You are very faithful and committed to your girlfriend, and this is a rare case nowadays. I myself, already married, have imtimate problems, because I do not find sex an enyoing thing, and this is such a burden for me and my husband, but although he is upset he never even thinks about separation. Looking for solutions of my own problems I read a lot of literature on relations. I do not have any concrete idea for you now, but from what I read I can see that the psychologists are so advanced now that for sure someone will help you. Maybe you should find a book about fear of intimacy and ask your girlfriend to read it when and where it is comfortable for her, so that you do not annoy her by trying totalk about this in person. Give her time and maybe when she opens it once she will recognise herself on the pagesâ€¦ At least when I did not know what is going on with me I found it helpful to read just anything about problems in relations and I was able to see myself sometimes as in a mirror, and developed a vocabulary of how to talk about this with my husband.

Also, get to know about her religious background. Maybe she is afraid that you will not reserve your sexual life till marriage, and that you will go too far.

P.s. Will be very happy for you if you suddenly answer me: thanks, but it is not any more a problem, my girlfriend opened up to me.

Anonymous April 24th, 2015

Wow, this explains a lot. Because of this disorder, Iâ€™ve already broken up with my first boyfriend. I couldnâ€™t stand the lovey dovey things. I was beginning to think I was asexual for a while but then that wouldnâ€™t make sense because I do find people attractive and want to interact with them. I want to love and be loved in return, but sometimes, I feel weird. I keep thinking, this wonâ€™t last it just wonâ€™t work weâ€™ll never be together for long. I donâ€™t think Iâ€™ll ever get over this. I bury myself in so much love fanfictions and books because the relationship is so beautiful and perfect and I was so happy for the characters yet I donâ€™t want the same joy for myself.

Kk November 24th, 2017

EXACTLY! this is my exact problem to a T.

Felix Edison May 1st, 2015

From this article, I think thereâ€™s validitiy to it. This article is trying to show people the rewards of opening up and experiencing something greater. â€œWhen we push our partner away emotionally or retreat from their affection, we are acting on this fear of intimacyâ€ â€“ I have been on the receiving end of this and it is a lonely feeling. If some people were meant to be alone, then why did they go looking for a relationship ? I often wonder what would help my boyfriend become more open to sharing himself with me.

Thereâ€™s a domino effect that happens when one person isnâ€™t open in a relationship and the other is. The other feels in the dark and might possibly wish and hope for a return in this interpersonal connection we call â€œintimacy.â€ I will say, I am sorry for those who cannot be open and have a hard time getting close as it is easier said then done. I would just hope that this post helps someone who feels they cannot be open and helps them change things around and let love in. I also hope this post reaches people who are dating a person with intimacy issues. And helps them make a decision on whether to stay, or as someone else put it â€œand stick with itâ€¦and see where it goes ?â€ Or to go â€œcash in your chips and honor the experienceâ€ and move on.

sandy tran May 6th, 2015

I love this article and want to use it on my humanities paper. Who wrote this article and when? Any additional information would be very helpful!

PsychAlive May 6th, 2015

Glad you enjoyed the article. We will send you the reference information.

Kailey November 5th, 2016

Youâ€™ve captured this peltfcery. Thanks for taking the time!

Ayelet December 13th, 2016

I would also love to receive the refrence information

Adam May 17th, 2015

Hi,

I am 27 years male.

Can what am having be considered as fear of intimacy.

I had had 2 episode of depressions..both had exactly same reason, I fell in love with a girl,we enjoyed good moments together just as friends with others presence also. Secretly unknowingly I developed feelings inside me,then I became possessive,over possessive..now situation becomes like you are possessive for a person who is not in your control..She likes you,likes your outstanding sense of humour,your caring but she is not in love with you(I am sure)â€¦now as I am possessive for her,when she becomes more friendly with anyone else I feel jealous or something which creates anxiety,I start trying getting over this feeling of love towards her,basically I try to escape..escape away from all this..finally it becomes depression..both cases had same reasons..exactly sameâ€¦Now I am too much frightened about getting in love again,have started avoid talking to gals as am extremely emotional(a good poet also)â€¦I am frightened if I again fall in love will have 3rd episode of depression and will rely on medicine for lifetime this timeâ€¦.Can you please help?please

welcomingchange October 20th, 2016

Hi Adam, here is whatâ€™s positive: you recognize your issue and you are asking for help. Please find help with a therapist or counselor. Someone in that profession can help you work through your issues and take steps to make positive changes, to better your understanding of yourself, to make better choices in your life. I wish you well

Alexey May 28th, 2015

I can very much relate to this article, and to be honest it took me quite some time to understand what the problem was and still is. Half a year, to be precise. For this time I nearly went insane from all the analysis and cross-reference and all the trying to understand what is wrong while battling my own fears with my other hand to clear out the way from the false fear-debris.

It was difficult but I got rid of all of my fears about relationships, and at the moment I am still learning to be calm and emotionally self-restraint, to give the space for my partner to gradually open up.

I believe there is no other choice but to take the gamble and wait around for long enough to see the project come to a completion, as in, seeing your partner getting rid of her(or his) fears or leave.

You canâ€™t force, for anytime you try to force progress on this person, it is a terrible even for that very person you love most, and it will make her take steps backwards because each time she tries to battle it, she suffers a defeat, for you canâ€™t battle something that is a part of your personality without consequences.

That, from my analysis, says that the best way to help the other person change herself or himself is to simply show extreme patience and tolerance, and be close whenever that person desires it, while understandably relating to why that person canâ€™t be intimate with you. It takes a very secure and very strong character to do that.

Luckily for me, each time in the progress of the last half a year when I showed weaknesses, my partner showed the strength and still weâ€™re together.

First thingâ€™s first, you have to clear out the possibility of your partner simply holding on to you untill they find something better. You can do this in a whole number of ways, starting from asking directly, â€œdo you want to break up?â€, to simply ingoring that person and seeing his or herâ€™s reaction.

For me, at the time I was unable to ignore my dearest and was overly-attached, and that was the main thing that kept me from progressing. Because the first thing that gave me progress is giving her space.

So obviously I couldnâ€™t ignore her. But I asked numerous times if she wants to break up and each time she answered that I simply give too much affection and thatâ€™s why sheâ€™s cold and avoidant.

I battled for the last half a year my overly-attached-ness and fear of abandonment, and I can say by now that I am free of those fears.

Right now I am learning to be patient and emotionally restrained, to control my own emotions for that person to feel comfortable and â€œsafeâ€ with me so that we may progress further on.

We are also LDR and for the last half a year communicate via skype, for she left for Poland to work there.

There has been some progress, but today for example I had an emotional breakout when I wanted an immidiate and more effective solution and brainstormed everything I could do, but in the end of it, I simply figured out that every other solution would be pushing her. And I donâ€™t want to do that, thatâ€™s why as soon as I realized that, even although I couldnâ€™t delete my messages I wrote for her to disregard everything I wrote before, and that it wouldnâ€™t solve the problem.

There is progress, but itâ€™s tormentingly slow. But Iâ€™m patient enough to see it through.

I donâ€™t know whether or not I need an advice, but I always will be glad to recieve one.

I think I simply need the strength to carry my love through this and be strong enough to win this biggest challenge of my life so far.

This article is great, but as people with fear of intimacy said, they have to go through this on their own, and pressure from their loved ones will only make them feel depressed.

And to all of you who decided to stick around with the person who has Intimacy problems, I wish you the best luck and I must tell you that you are the luckiest people in the world. This challenge, if you are strong and bold enough to stand up to it, can build up the parts of your character that under other circumstances would never be developed. it is trully a blessing for me, and despite the fact that I greatly do not enjoy inner anxiety and worry, I realise that I learned how to find happiness even in the midst of the great struggle, and find joy without being dependant on anyone.

anon December 11th, 2015

Can I suggest that if you are not getting what you need from this relationship, then waiting around for your girlfriend to change is doing you a disservice. Why not just find someone who is more compatible with you?

SadMan June 1st, 2015

I have been married to my wife for 18 years and have been the cause of immense suffering on her part as sheâ€™s patiently waited for me to â€œfixâ€ myself. She loves me so much that sheâ€™s tolerated all this pain. She gave me several ultimatums of the years but has not left. She has asked me to set her free but I thought I could fix it. Therapy didnâ€™t work for me. She just started an affair to keep herself from going crazy with depression. I donâ€™t blame her. I need to set her free but when I told her itâ€™s time for her to be happy she is trying to hold on. She asks why Iâ€™m so cruel. She wants me to go to an Intimacy workshop. As much as I hope that would work I am skeptical. I have so much deep seated emotional isolationism from growing up. I am a recovering porn addict and even though Iâ€™m no longer acting out I canâ€™ just simply change my whole twisted perception of myself and women. Sad really but she needs better. Is this a cop out? Maybe but I donâ€™t want her to continue to suffer. She found someone that makes her feel sexy and desired. We all want that. How can I deny her that when I canâ€™t provide it. We have 2 teenage daughters so thats an extra delima. I may never be truly happy with anyone but that is my penance and not hers.

Adalheid June 19th, 2015

This makes me very happy. I have been doing this all of my life, and I walked away from the love of my life because of paralyzing fear.

This article makes me feel happy and Iâ€™m going to try really hard now!

Danny October 25th, 2015

Thank you for this great article. It makes me happy. Thatâ€™s the stuff which I needed to read.

John Smith January 1st, 2016

There are broken human beings who may never achieve long term intimacy but have relationships without being capable of maintaining long term intimacy. I have seen some people who marry and divorce many times or have multiple affairs or relationships. I have seen men who get addicted to porn and substitute the sex addiction for intimacy. Sex and intimacy are not the same. I have seen some women who suffered some childhood trauma which prevents them from ever achieving long term intimacy. Borderline personality disorders can occur when people cross lines in relationships unable to achieve long term intimacy with constant cheating, repeat, reset, and cheat again! Yoga, self meditation, writing, self understanding, meditation, and prayer can all help. Ultimately, there are broken people who cannot be fixed. Death can also interfere with achieving and maintaining intimacy. Sex is not the same as real true intimacy. People can and do get involved in relationships which do not work and then have a lot of trouble getting out of the relationship only to find a new relationship which is worse. Floating from bad relationship to bad relationship. It is possible to be happy without being in a bad relationship. Know thyself. Too many men use sex as a substitute for intimacy and pornography is not real. Childhood trauma leaves too many women broken and in undiagnosed intimacy problems which in truth may not be solved.

Winnie August 23rd, 2016

True. Childhood trauma and parental upbringing play a huge part in how we turn out as adults. Thatâ€™s also the case for me and it really is a sad life. I try to see the positives and be grateful for it, I mean, at least I have the basic tools to keep myself alive. But emotionally, I am deeply distressed because I canâ€™t do the things I want to, since fear and anxiety hold me back. Itâ€™s even more upsetting when your peers, friends and relatives all lead happy, fulfilling lives.

Charl January 17th, 2016

I have initmacy problems which will probably lead to divorce â€“ cant blame my wife if she leaves me â€“ I cant change I never wanted children and dont think I can be a good father. I am now 50 and dont really understand the purpose of Life

a humble lion May 31st, 2016

Charl,

Problems are disgustingly fixable and personal/moral issues are no different than work problems which we get paid to fix. Please consider this. If you form your identity off of negative things (all of which you have), then that is who you are to yourself, even if that is not actually all of who you are. You have chosen a path and it leads to dust and death without a greater purpose. Have you ever prayed to God about your life? Asked Him to help you clear your old self and forgive you so you might use your life for what you were created for? Please consider doing so.

Marie January 25th, 2016

Hi Iâ€™m 28 and I used to be in loving relationships, but due to my family drama traumaâ€™s Iâ€™ve started to distance myself more and more since my last breakup. And each time I would push myself to go on dates it wouldnâ€™t work out and then Iâ€™d push my environment away even more. And by environment I mean friends, family everyone. Now Iâ€™ve been living by myself for 3 years I have my own place now. And I enjoy being alone. I donâ€™t really trust my friends completely anymore because there is a disconnect (from lack of investment in the relationship from both sides). Also I distance myself a lot from my family. I basically see them as little as possible, because throughout my entire life I feel like theyâ€™ve been dragging me down. Iâ€™ve experienced a lot of tension when I used to live at home, a lot of agression, injustice and abandonment. And now that Iâ€™m finally â€˜freeâ€™, I want to be left alone. But they sometimes donâ€™t understand why I canâ€™t come visit them or why they canâ€™t casually drop by my house, because â€œall of that is over now and ended long ago already (4 years ago). They donâ€™t understand the impact that experiencing what Iâ€™ve endured with them still affects me. So when I say â€œno, you canâ€™t come over now, I just want to be on my own todayâ€, they say:â€okâ€, but I feel bad for rejecting them, because theyâ€™re trying to reconnect with me. But my entire childhood & teenage experiences with my family have resulted in my depression and 3,5 years of therapy, that I stopped going to because I just donâ€™t see the point anymore in going to the sessions, weâ€™re just going over the same thing over and over & it makes me feel like Iâ€™m not a normal girl and like Iâ€™m not part of society. And now I find myself at 28, after 3 burnouts and jobless for 2 years: stuck, energyless, pushing everyone & everything that lives and breaths away (I even had to give my cat away because the fact that he needed me and wanted my care & affection gave me panick attacks and sufficated me). I miss him so so much, it was like giving away my own child (I had him since I was 15). I just canâ€™t handle to care about anything or anyone, Iâ€™m struggeling to even take care of myself. And everywhere I read thatwhen you feel low & life sucks, go find your support group: your family & friends. Well I donâ€™t want to be around my family more that 1 or 2 days a month and I am disconnected from most of my friends & they donâ€™t want to support me, because they are busy working hard on their own life. So all I can think of is: I hope that Iâ€™ll find a fun job soon, where I can maybe make some new friends. But I also live in a country where people are very stand off ish and cold, so making friends is really hard here. I now thereâ€™s a difference comparing to other countries, because Iâ€™ve lived in other countries (seasonal work). And Iâ€™m even thinking a lot of the times that I want to leave from where I live now. Iâ€™m just done with the place. Itâ€™s cold, thereâ€™s not a lot to do for people my age and the people are cold & closed as well, which will push me even further into my isolation. I need to be around friendly warm people that donâ€™t necessarily directly want something from you other than just a nice convo or uour friendship. Because where I live, if people are very friendly (of my own age) they directly want something in return. Anyways it was nice to write here a bit (more than I expected) about how Iâ€™m feeling these days, it clears my head a bit and it makes me want to change the situation. I need change and I need a plan. Good luck to all and if anyone has some advice, please do feel free. Hugs from Europe.

Speck February 21st, 2016

I donâ€™t really even try to incorporate intimacy into my life anymoreâ€¦.the only thing I want is peace. For me intimacy and peace definitely do NOT go hand in hand. I am old enough now to know better for myselfâ€¦.like attracts likeâ€¦and because I am an imbalanced individual: mentally, emotionally and thus..physicallyâ€¦I only attract the same in relationships. Iâ€™m one of those that will get myself into a â€˜relationshipâ€™ and then get fairly quickly that it is not healthy or balancedâ€¦.and then because Iâ€™m the one choosing to end it before things go too farâ€¦then Iâ€™m always the one to blame for triggering real crazy shitâ€¦.sometimes even violent and life threatening behavior from the other person. The last relationship I was in, or should I say was trying to get out ofâ€¦my partner unpacked all of my personal belongings that were packed up while I was in the process of â€˜escapingâ€™/moving out, stole most of my belongings or destroyed them, and then neatly packed up/replaced my items with dirty, broken or meaningless objects. Basically, by the time I got my stuff back into my possession and was trying to get my life back in order, I discovered box by box that I had no functional material possessions leftâ€¦only meaningless junk. Oh yeah that included a plant pot that had the dirt still in it but secretly buried and mixed in the dirt were razor sharp shards of other broken pottery just silently waiting for my hands to â€˜findâ€™. Very disturbing, very twisted and extremely validating the old adage: â€˜You never truly know a personâ€™â€¦.that experience was worse than just having someone break into your house and rob youâ€¦.that relationship was like psychological warfareâ€¦and I really was just trying to do the right thing in attempting to end it early. Obviously, and as usual, I picked the wrong person to end a relationship with as it was very clear that â€˜Noâ€™ or â€˜Goodbyeâ€™ were not in this personâ€™s relationship vocabulary without â€˜Revengeâ€™ and â€˜Violationâ€™ following afterâ€¦.ugghhâ€¦.weâ€™re truly some kind of experiment gone wrong with these big â€˜brainsâ€™ of ours. Just too many psychological variables to safely manage before shit starts to unravelâ€¦inevitably and ALWAYS

JasonO July 8th, 2016

Mu subconscious intimacy anxiety is so bad that I have been unable to be in any kind of emotionally intimate relationship since I started dating more than 3 decades ago. Iâ€™ve had dozens and dozens of â€œquickieâ€ relationships with women in the past 30 years but never any more than a few weeks. Sexually I am fine when a relationship starts but after the 3rd or 4th sexual encounter my body shuts down sexually and i am unable to perform. Iâ€™ve been to half a dozen therapists over the years but none has been able to help. As you can imagine it has been a very lonely life especially now that Iâ€™m older and have lost my looks making finding a woman, even for a short relationship very difficult.

Marcos August 9th, 2016

Aw, this was an extremely nice post. Taking the time and actual effort to produce a good articleâ€¦

but what can I sayâ€¦ I hesitate a lot and never seem to get nearly anything done.

Colin November 10th, 2016

This is an awful issue. I knew my partner had a problem for several months in that she could have sex with other men but rarely with me. It caused distrust and tension between us and she waited until our realtionship had hit rock bottom before opening up about what was going on â€“ her fear of intamacy! Unfortunately by then she was pregant by another man and although I offered to stand by her and work through her fears she chose to leave rather than face her demons. It was heartbreaking losing her knowing she loved me and I loved her but she could not take what looks like the simple step of asking for help. (I know what you are thinking if she loved you she would not be pregnant by another man however you do not know the full story).

Catherine August 31st, 2017

Wowâ€¦ I have been in a relationship with a man for 9 months and this describes him to a T.. we are now not speaking and pretty much broken up bea cause he says that I am too needy and demanding. From the get go he has never initiated sexâ€¦after sex there is no cuddling and he always starts with a weird nervous cough right afterâ€¦. I get no emotional support from himâ€¦ he can not even look me in the eyes while I am trying to praise him or cuddle with him.. the only time he will ever look me in the eyes is when we are speaking about something as mundane as a phone bill. I am a very independent woman who has turned into a needy mess trying to gauge where I stand in this manâ€™s mind and heart. I am very affectionate and open and have probably pushed him away this time. I have had trouble even getting him to hug me with 2 arms, usually I get a one armed hug. He has said I Love you, but never in a romantic manner and most certainly never while looking at me. Today he has told me that he can not meet my needsâ€¦. he canâ€™t make me happyâ€¦. that I am an attractive, smart, , nice girl whoâ€™s got her act together and that I should never change. He said he would always be there for me, but he canâ€™t make me happy. I am of course devastated and trying to sort it all out in my headâ€¦ the more I keep going after him the more I keep pushing him away. I have no doubt that he loves me in his own wayâ€¦ we have talked numerous times of a future together but every time I ask for some more closeness he pushes me away. Even sometimes when I am trying to kiss him he squirms and turns his head from side to side like an 8 year old boy fearing being kissed by his grandmother! This man also has some deep rooted self esteem issues perhaps due to being obese almost all of his life. He had the weight loss surgery 2 years ago and is still obese but not 500 lbs like he used to be. I have let him know that I love him with all of my heart and That I am here still. The last few months he has been rather mean to me at timesâ€¦ disrespectful and demeaning. I feel like he almost did that to force me to break up with him because he did not have the heart to do it him self. I weep as I write this. My heart is broken

Craig September 28th, 2017

I admit that I avoid intimacy, but not out of fear of loss. Itâ€™s true that I have a negative self-image. Both parents worked long hours so I was bounced from in-home child-care situation to the next, usually provided by geriatric women who only interacted with me with a meal. Otherwise, I was left alone. I had one sibling growing up. A sister that was 10-years my senior who was full of resentment, and took it out on me whenever she was â€œforced to babysitâ€ me by our parents. She repeatedly told me that that I was â€œjust a doofusâ€, that our parents didnâ€™t love me, and that I was â€œa mistake.â€ This, along with other experiences instilled in me a lack of confidence and social skills that made her negative remarks self-fulfilling by the time I hit grade-school. My peers, sensing my insecurity mercilessly tormented me with similar remarks. That served well to permanently validate my sisterâ€™s words and my own self-assessment. Unlike the article suggests, I never retreated into a fantasy life. I have always been super-grounded in the reality of the moment. Instead, I immersed myself in diverse intellectual pursuits, like reading, designing or building things, etc. This distraction became an aptitude that enabled me to successfully complete college and grad school then then become an electronics engineer. Through years of practice, Iâ€™ve learned to put up a facade, I now appear attractive, outwardly social, and quite normal in social situations. Co-workers and neighbors frequently attempt to be my â€œfriend.â€ I am irritatingly-often invited to cook-outs, or other social activities but graciously decline â€œbecause Iâ€™m just too busy.â€ Setting aside the fact that Iâ€™d be bored out of my skull since socializing really does nothing for me, I feel that it would be dishonest for me to attend, because itâ€™s not me but my facade they like. Otherwise, I have a deep sense of disgust or pity for anyone who would want to spend time with the REAL me. Through the years, I have accepted a few invites for dates (women asking me out), but ultimately I sabotage those when it seems the interested party wants more from me and I begin to experience the disgust/pity thing. So basically, I harbor a hatred of myself. The only way I have kept from offing myself over the years is to try to add value to society by being kind, working hard, and being charitable with my time, talents, and financial resources. I make great money, but give most of it away. Iâ€™ve been doing this for two decades now. I ultimately envision myself freezing to death some winter night, alone on a park-bench after Iâ€™m forced into retirement and can no longer serve a purpose in this world.

Joanne Booth October 10th, 2017

Iâ€™m trying to understand an avoidant personâ€™s mind to better understand the guy Iâ€™ve been seeing. Your message is really sad. It sounds like a lonely, self-imposed existence that people like me who have an anxious attachment style want to fix or rescue. Nothing is wrong with most of what you wrote as far as getting bored out of your skull going to social functions where you feel forced to be on. Superficial interactions are not fun. Maybe youâ€™re an introvert. What I would like to ask is what do you mean by you feel disgust/pity when women start to ask for more from you? Could you explain more of what this feels like, and how you think it could be avoided? The guy Iâ€™ve been seeing would seem to be all about me, texting me all throughout the day every day, being sweet, thoughtful, caring and seeming to be happy and excited about seeing me, but the minute I brought up wanting to see him more than two nights a week on an occasional basis and this is after two years of dating he blew up, and is now completely silent. Why would a girl just wanting to spend more time with you out of love and enjoying being with you cause you to feel disgust? I felt his disgust and anger as if he suddenly hated me. Itâ€™s utterly heartbreaking to me, and Iâ€™m sure he feels pity for me, but other than pity I donâ€™t feel it phases him to stop seeing me too much.

Marc MoÃ¯ni December 30th, 2017

Take a look at my Anxiety videos on YouTube (channel is my name), and see if the information there helps you any. Self hatred possiby saved your life early on, if it helped you stay out of your â€œcaretakersâ€ crosshairs. But then later on, one of the costs of not loving yourself is not being able to get enjoyment out of doing things for yourself. Peter Levine and Pia Mellody have come up with effective treatments, I hope you will look into these and you will finally feel the relief and joy of loving yourself.

Patricia October 3rd, 2017

I can relate to this article. My boyfriend of 8 months has blockage towards me when it comes to be intimate. He has a hard time touching me and cant seem to understand why because with other woman he was fine but with me its completely different. We are both in our 50â€™s and I love being intimate with my boyfriend. For me, being in a Relationship and having no intimacy makes me push away and makes me think that I might be the problem but nooooo he has had a bad divorce (his wife cheated on him and she got caught) and he lacks trust cause of that. We are deeply in love but I miss him touching me intimately. He is aware and cant seem to understand why he blocks when we sleep together. I will definetely show him this article. Hope it will help him in the long run cause i believe in him and our love.

John Powers October 4th, 2017

I have spent decades alone in deep rooted fear being sexually molested by a parent, verbally, physically and emotionally abused by both parents

Time after time after time , I have avoided, avoided, avoided. Developed an addiction to sex, which in reality is a fear of intimacy, because itâ€™s easier to be intimate witha computer than a real live person. I have self -sabotaged relationships one by one . Leaving me alone and utterly sad and alone. Crying out to God for help.

I live with bipolar, PTSD, general and social anxiety disorders. I take my meds ,faithfully see a psychiatrist, and talk therapist, I lead addiction and mental illness support groups. I am in ol ed in my church. I have heard that the only way out of,something is to go through it, therefore with the next lady I am with she will know all about my issues and concerns. I will â€œsweat throughâ€ the fear of intimacy issue until I get through ro the other side. I love you all!

cribing feelings.

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The Dance of Intimacy

The relationship duet is the dance of intimacy all couples do. One partner moves in, the other backs-up. Partners may reverse roles, but always maintain a certain space between them. The unspoken agreement is that the Pursuer chase the Distancer forever, but never catch-up, and that the Distancer keep running, but never really get away. Theyâ€™re negotiating the emotional space between them. We all have needs for both autonomy and intimacy â€“ independence and dependency, yet simultaneously fear both being abandoned (acted by the Pursuer), and being too close (acted by the Distancer). Thus, we have the dilemma of intimacy: How can we be close enough to feel secure and safe, without feeling threatened by too much closeness?

The less room there is to navigate this distance, more difficult the relationship. There is less anxiety, and hence less demand on the relationship to accommodate a narrow comfort zone.

ORIGINS: Research suggests that intimacy problems originate in the relationship between the mother and infant. Babies and toddlers are dependent on the mothersâ€™ empathy and regard for their needs and emotions in order to sense their â€œselves,â€ to feel whole. To an infant or toddler, emotional or physical abandonment, whether through neglect, illness, divorce or death, threatens its existence, because of its dependency on the mother for validation and development of wholeness. Later, as an adult being, separations in intimate relationships are experienced as painful reminders of the earlier loss.

If the mother is ill, depressed, or lacks wholeness and self-esteem herself, there are no boundaries between her and her child. Rather than responding to her child, she projects, and sees her child only as an extension of herself, as an object to meet her own needs and feelings. She canâ€™t value her child as a separate â€œself.â€ The childâ€™s boundaries are violated, and its autonomy, feelings, thoughts, and/or body, are disrespected. Consequently, the child does not develop a healthy sense of self. Instead, the child discovers that love and approval comes with meeting the motherâ€™s needs, and tunes into the motherâ€™s responses and expectations. The child learns to please, perform and/or rebel, but in either case gradually tunes out its own thoughts, needs and/or feelings. Later, intimacy may threaten the adultâ€™s sense of autonomy or identity, or he or she may feel invaded, engulfed, controlled, shamed and/or rejected. A person may feel both abandoned if his or her feelings and needs are not responded to, and at the same time, engulfed by the needs of his or her partner. In co-dependent relationships where there arenâ€™t two separate, whole people coming together, true intimacy isnâ€™t possible, because the fears of nonexistence and dissolution are strong.

COPING STRATEGIES: We learned defenses as children in order to feel safe. As adults these behaviors create problems and result in miscommunication. For instance, if you repress your anger to ensure closeness, you stand a good chance of alienating your partner, unaware that you may be expressing your anger indirectly. If you ignore your partner in order to create distance, you inadvertently devalue him or her, creating another problem.

Change and growth come in discovering your coping strategies, and learning new responses and behaviors. Ask yourself: How do I create space in my relationships? How do I protect my autonomy? Do you criticize, blame, emotionally withdraw or use substances (e.g., food, drugs, alcohol) to create space, be left alone, or lessen intense feelings. Or do you avoid closeness or openness by joking around, showing off, giving advice or by talking about others or impersonal subjects? Do you get overly involved with people outside your partnership (e.g., children, friends, affairs), or activities (e.g., work, sports, gambling, shopping)? These activities dilute the intimacy in the relationship.

On the other hand, ask: How do I create closeness? How do I ensure that I will be loved and not abandoned? Do you try to create closeness by giving up your autonomy, hobbies, friends or interests, by never disagreeing, by being seductive, or by care-taking and pleasing others?

When these behaviors are operating without awareness, you are not coming from a place of choice. When this happens you cannot communicate effectively, nor take into consideration your needs and the needs of your partner. Instead, the relationship is based upon unconscious manipulation of one another, and can trigger your partnerâ€™s defensive reactions.

DISOWNED SELVES: Relationships can serve as mirrors for unacknowledged or â€œdisownedâ€ parts of ourselves. Often people attract their opposite into their lives to make them whole. The Pursuer is unconscious that s/he is also afraid of closeness, but relies on the Distancer to achieve enough space for the Pursuerâ€™s needs for autonomy and independence. Similarly, the Distancer is afraid of abandonment, but cannot experience the wish for emotional closeness as his or her own. S/he would feel too vulnerable, so s/he needs a Pursuer to satisfy her or his intimacy needs.

The Distancer says of the Pursuer: â€œShe (or He) is too demanding, too dependent, too emotional, or too needy.â€ And wonders â€œCan I love? Am I selfish? What I give seems never enough.â€

The Pursuer says about the Distancer: â€œHe (or She) is selfish, inconsiderate, inflexible, emotionally withdrawn, has to have things his way.â€ And wonders â€œIs there something wrong with me? Arenâ€™t I lovable (pretty, thin, successful, smart) enough?â€

They each blame one another and themselves. The Distancer feels guilty for not meeting the otherâ€™s needs, and the Pursuer feels angry for not getting his or her own needs met. In reality, the Distancer judges the part of him or herself that is needy, dependent and vulnerable, and the Pursuer judges the part of him or herself that is selfish and independent, but each sees the part they donâ€™t accept in themselves projected onto the other. Both need to embrace the dependent and independent, feminine and masculine, parts of themselves.

CHANGE: The key to breaking this polarization is by becoming conscious of our needs and feelings, and risking what we fear most. It requires awareness of our coping behaviors and resisting the impulse to withdraw or pursue. It takes tremendous courage not to run when we feel too close, and not to pursue when we feel abandoned, but instead, learn to acknowledge and tolerate the emotions that arise. This may trigger very early feelings of shame, terror, grief, emptiness, despair, and rage. With the help of a therapist, these feelings can be separated from the present circumstance, in which as adults our survival is no long at stake. As the feelings are worked through, a less reactive, stronger sense of self develops, one that is not easily threatened or overwhelmed.

Partners can learn from each other and embrace their disowned needs. The Pursuer can emulate the Distancerâ€™s ability to set limits, to take care of his/her own needs, to prioritize, to be less personally involved. The Distancer can learn from the Pursuerâ€™s flexibility, ability to reach out and ask, to feel others and to blend boundaries. Each person must take responsibility for him or herself, rather than relying on their partner to take care of his or her needs for closeness or distance. The Pursuer must risk saying â€œNo,â€ and tolerate the anxiety of separation, saying, â€œI canâ€™t help you â€“ I need to be alone.â€ The Distancer must risk saying, â€œI miss you, I need you.â€ In the movie, â€œThe Doctor,â€ William Hurt plays a busy, successful doctor, whose wife feels neglected and abandoned. Itâ€™s only when Hurt gets brain cancer that he telling his wife that he needs her.

Each must learn to ask for togetherness and space directly, without feeling guilty, or controlling or blaming each other. When each is able to say, â€œYesâ€ and say â€œNo,â€ without the fear of being overwhelmed by intimacy or abandoned by separation, they wonâ€™t trigger each otherâ€™s defensive reaction. When they are conscious of their individual needs, they can acknowledge their partnerâ€™s needs with respect. They can empathetically hear each other, and wait to have their need satisfied: â€œI understand and hear your need and its importance to you, but this is also important to me â€” can we find a way to compromise?â€ As couples do this, they will have more authentic intimacy, instead of being locked into an unconscious duet of approach-avoidance.

Relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. But it requires courage â€“ courage to open yourself up and to experience pain. The rewards are worth it, because it is a path of self-discovery and ultimately the divine as we open ourselves to one another. Just as the transition from dependence to independence can be frightening, so is the transition from independence to interdependence. Yet, it is an essential process in order to heal our wounds, become free of our past conditioning, and to allow us to truly live in the present.

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This entry was posted in Codependency, communication, Intimacy, marriage, relationships by Darlene Lancer, LMFT. Bookmark the permalink.

Jay on March 29, 2017 at 6:16 am said:

Excellent article. Im in a 50 year marriage with a wife who has become a progressive emotional abuser. I am slowly but surely healing with a good therapist over the last few years and â€˜working your book.â€™ I am the accomodator and she is emotionally and physically distant. She will not go to therapy. I have, of course, done my part to contribute to this â€˜dance.â€™ I see no choice but to leave.

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Darlene Lancer, LMFT on March 29, 2017 at 7:41 am said:

Sometimes, when one partner changes, the whole dance can change. We all have needs for closeness and separateness. Thereâ€™s a reason she hasnâ€™t left.

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sheeks on June 23, 2016 at 3:48 am said:

This is a great article. I was in the same kind of pursuer-distancer relationship until about 2 weeks ago. Iâ€™m 32 and I dated my gf for 3 months before we broke up. Iâ€™m the distancer here and I felt that she was constantly pressuring me to the point of engulfment, in a hurry to love, travel etc, not appreciating of the time I spend with her which I felt was a lot. She has her insecurities due to her family which I feel are being thrown at me with no remorse. I l have my insecurities as well as you mentioned (people pleasing, poor boundaries, control) I donâ€™t have easy access to therapy where I live and was hoping you can give me some advice.

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Darlene Lancer, LMFT on June 23, 2016 at 9:01 am said:

You can attend coda.org meetings in person and by phone. Do the exercises in my books, and I also do phone coaching that would be helpful.

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What about violence? on January 2, 2016 at 7:15 am said:

You write about the need/fear of closeness and need/fear of distance, and suggest to the distancer to have courage and stay close and face his childhood feelings as they re-emerge. ok. But what if the reason for his wanting distance is the chaser being violent in the here and now? At what personal cost should he still stay there and suffer the wrath courageously? Fear of abandonment is very likely to evoke violence in attempt to prevent distance, yet somehow I couldnâ€™t find reference to violent situations in your article. Iâ€™d love to hear what you have to say about whatâ€™s the best reaction to violent pursuing? When should one NOT stay there?

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Darlene Lancer, LMFT on January 2, 2016 at 11:01 am said:

Itâ€™s interesting that your seeking intimacy with a violent person. Intimacy first requires safety. (See my blog, â€œYour Intimacy Index â€“ How to Have More Intimacy.â€ Examine deeper reasons why youâ€™re in this relationship.

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Anna on October 26, 2015 at 12:19 pm said:

I was both abandoned by mom and engulfed by dad. So I feel shame about being needy/ dependent/ vulnerable (â€œSuck it up â€“ no one is going to be there for me except meâ€). But Iâ€™m also ashamed of the part of myself that is selfish/independent as well (â€œI donâ€™t know how to take care of myselfâ€). I judge myself for being â€œneedyâ€ and for being â€œindependent.â€ Have you heard of people being both simultaneously? I know I have the disorganized attachment style (fearful avoidant). Is this the same thing?

Do types like myself need to heal first before getting in a relationship? Or do we have to get in a relationship first in order to heal?

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Darlene Lancer, MFT on October 26, 2015 at 1:03 pm said:

As I wrote attachment style can change in a relationship with someone more stable, and that includes a therapist. What would be important now is developing more self-acceptance and compassion to heal your shame. See my blog on self-love and compassion and do the exercises in Conquering Shame and Codependency, plus work with an individual therapist.

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Ginger on August 20, 2015 at 6:58 am said:

Very insightful! I found it definitely relatable! Proceeding to continued progression of countermeasures for health & betterment!

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Ginger on August 20, 2015 at 7:02 am said:

Very â€œspot onâ€!

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Maria on May 24, 2015 at 12:37 am said:

This is a very good article. It has opened my eyes and put in order lots of thoughts that I had myself, about the patterns of my relationships. Iâ€™m 30 years old and in a Pursuer â€“ Distancer relationship, me being the pursuer. The article describes perfectly the situation. Up to now I believed that Iâ€™m the â€œnormalâ€ one and my bf the â€œweirdâ€ one but now I realize that I need to work on myself as well. Do you believe that by working on yourself to become more secure that can help the distancer change as well? Or is a Pursuer-Distancer relationship always a dead end?

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Darlene Lancer, MFT on May 24, 2015 at 8:59 am said:

Every relationship is different. One person changing changes the relationship, but how is unpredictable. â€œActing like a distancerâ€ is still not letting go or being more autonomous. Itâ€™s a manipulation and usually wonâ€™t work for long. See my blog on Changing Your Attachment Style.

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Tina on May 13, 2015 at 12:06 pm said:

This is a great article and goes more in depth at the actions needed to be taken to get to the bottom of this situation.

When my boyfriend started taking more time to do his own thing and suggested I try being less available, it made sense to me, but when I felt I didnâ€™t see him enough I stopped feeling the need for independence and became anxious.

Anyway, we recently broke up after this sort of dance started taking up much of the relationship after 10 months together. He was recently divorced and afraid of recommitting, so he realized he needed to be on his own to work things out and grieve. Should we have tried working it out together?

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Darlene Lancer, MFT on May 13, 2015 at 12:54 pm said:

Sounds like you tried.

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lauren on December 2, 2014 at 2:36 pm said:

i find this very interesting, i feel it is so much what has gone on between myself and my now ex- boyfriend for the past 3-1/2 yrs. i am definitely the pursuer and he is the distancer. i feel exactly what you said about him being -â€ about the Distancer: â€œHe (or She) is selfish, inconsiderate, inflexible, emotionally withdrawn, has to have things his way.â€ And wonders â€œIs there something wrong with me? Arenâ€™t I lovable (pretty, thin, successful, smart) enough?â€

While he will say that I am â€ of the Pursuer: â€œShe (or He) is too demanding, too dependent, too emotional, or too needy.â€ And wonders â€œCan I love? Am I selfish? What I give seems never enough.â€

Now i am confused â€“ it seems as he is a narcisstic personality type â€“ i felt as i was in this back and forth drama, or co-dependent dance, for over 3 yrs, and i am trying to break the cycle. i do see him as the distancer, and he does create anxiety for me and frustrates me in that he tries or makes false promises of change, yet he doesnâ€™t follow through. I think what created in me this anxiousness is that i have caught him in lies and shady situations â€“ where he had met another woman on several occasions that i knew of, yet he continued to tell me he loved me and wanted to only be with me. we are both in our late 40â€™s and divorced . we didnâ€™t live together , but we were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship.

i recently, ended this on-again -off again relationship 3 months ago, when i discovered another woman at his house â€“ this was the same woman i had been suspicious he was involved with on various occasions during our yrs together. i was hurt to the core and shocked to find this woman answer the door at his home, after she had spent the night there with him. I asked her if she was his girlfriend , she told me yes, i told her , well guess what ? so am I . she told me she had known him as long as i did. I

am very sure he hurt her too, as i know she blocked him after that, and had no contact. So my question is â€“ he lied and cheated, and i was very in love with him, like no one else. We were together almost everyday, and he was always telling me he loved me, and someday weâ€™d put our stuff together, and eventually move in together. yet he would get moody and distance himself and tell me he needed to be alone at times and quiet.

my gut feeling was he was up to no good, yet many times, he was were he was supposed to be. do you think he has narcisstic traits and is a distancer ?? am i really a pursuer, or has he just played mind games on me for 31/2 yrs and made me lose self-confidence and feel anxious about if what heâ€™s telling me was true. let me add that my ex- husband cheated on me , so how i didnâ€™t run at the first red flag this man showed, is beyond me, and how i kept allowing myself to get sucked back into any type of relationship with him?? also, this ex- boyfriend, cheated on his wife and that was why they divorced. the sick part is- i felt like this man was my soul-mate, and he always told me it was like we felt like we knew each other for 20 yrs, after only a few months of dating. he was my best friend and lover â€“ or so it seemed. I am trying to be strong and not communicate any longer with him, as it only ends up with me getting frustrated by him not acting the way i want â€“ its like he wants me and loves me but is afraid of the closeness, the distancer â€“ as you described. I really know i should not go back with this man, as he cheated on me and hurt me horribly â€“ yet it is a struggle for me to not allow him back into my life .any insight would be greatly appreciated-

ps-i have been seeing a therapist for the past few months since i found out about this other woman.

thank you

Lauren

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Darlene Lancer, MFT on December 2, 2014 at 3:35 pm said:

These are all good questions to take up with your therapist who is more familiar with you and the dynamics. Also working on yourself will give you clarity. Join a CoDA meeting. Some clients get a lot of benefit from Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) meetings and literature. Do all the exercises in my books. As you build your self-esteem, you wonâ€™t tolerate bad behavior and expect more than words and empty promises from your partner.

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lauren on December 2, 2014 at 4:08 pm said:

thank you â€“ i am working on these issues and will check out our books. i was just wondering, with all your experience, would this man be a narcissist and a distancer?? are these interrelated? i understand i cannot be with this person , but am curious as to why i was drawn to him and he to me? do these personality traits usually tend to be people who look for admiration and attention of more than on person??

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Darlene Lancer, MFT on December 2, 2014 at 4:56 pm said:

I suggest reading chapters 3 and 6 of Conquering Shame and Codependency. I cannot diagnose someone without interviewing them. Also, focusing on your feelings is more important and useful than diagnosing someone else.

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Ahmad Nieves on November 17, 2014 at 6:19 am said:

I find myself in this situation but this is just confusing me more. I was certain that i need to leave my fiance in order to find myselfâ€¦ but in reality im guilty and shouldnt leave because my feelings are wrong? I dont understand. Ive reached a point where my way of thinking is ill be in this relationship until i cant take it anymore and probably kill myself when its too much. Ive accepted this because i cant see a way out and apparently i shouldnt get out.

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Darlene Lancer, MFT on November 17, 2014 at 8:33 am said:

You donâ€™t say your age, but Iâ€™m not sure why you feel you must leave to find yourself, rather than go inside. Perhaps take some weekends off by yourself, and practice setting boundaries to spend more time alone and/or with other friends or doing activities on your own. Learn by trial and error what you want and like. Read some of my other blogs and do the exercises in my Dummies book. Journal and attend CoDA meetings.

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Derek on November 15, 2014 at 7:37 am said:

Such a insightful piece, my fiancÃ© an I have been on this roller coaster for over ten years. Never really understanding what we were doing. Eventually we accepted that we were just plain incompatible. But we have always loved one another and even reunited after a two year split. Now we are seperated again and she has reached the end of her rope. Iâ€™ve always, subconciosly, known she was the one for me. But being the distances I have rationalized her persuit as needy. Rights Reserved

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Women in our society are often pre-programmed to be care givers, and to focus on relationships. While this tendency to connect with others and stay connected has many positive benefits, there can also be a down side. Stress levels rise if we to constantly attend to others at the expense of nurturing ourselves. So how can we stay in touch with our internal needs without feeling compelled to take on others' burdens? One important step toward reducing daily anxiety is to understand the concept of healthy boundaries, and set limits accordingly.

The Definition of Boundaries

"Personal boundaries" are what separate our feelings, issues, needs and beliefs from someone else's. To maintain a healthy sense of self, we need to define our own comfort levels for self-disclosure or openness, along with physical and sexual boundaries in relationships.

When boundaries become "enmeshed," it means we generally feel responsible for what another does or feels. (We do not define ourselves separately form them.)

The opposite situation, called an "anti-dependent stance," means that we feel distant from others in our life. We fail to recognize that at times we might need to rely on them.

Either of these reactions, being enmeshed with others or being anti-dependent, makes relating more difficult. How can you tell if you tend to fall into one of these categories in your relationships with others? Ask yourself the following questions.

Enmeshed Boundaries

Are you unsure if what you're feeling stems from you or others?

Do you often allow others to cross over your boundaries even when it makes you uncomfortable?

Do you fail to recognize your uncomfortable feelings, or do you feel like you can't do anything to protect yourself even when you do recognize those feelings?

Do you tend to blame others for the way you feel?

Are your beliefs and values unclear to you?

Anti-Dependent Boundaries:

Are you unable to show your internal world to others?

Do you have difficulty accepting feelings at face value? In other words, you need to have a reason for them.

Do you often say that you do not need anyone?

Do you distance yourself emotionally from someone you claim to love?

Do you want intimacy, but push it away...or not want it once you have it?

How to Rate the Confusion Around Boundaries

Family roles and rules about acceptable behaviors are laid down in our childhood. We bring those into our current relationships, and the result can be confusing. Our boundaries may not seem to fit with our partner's. How do we work it out?

Boundary setting (or limit setting) includes all of the following:

Receiving feedback from others, then accepting, modifying, or discarding it.

Knowing when we are uncomfortable, and doing something about it.

Recognizing others' needs for boundaries, and not violating them.

&Separating out our feelings, attitudes and beliefs from others'.

Not blaming others for how we feel.

Realizing when a problem is our own, someone else's or a problem shared between us.

Intimacy is a Complex Dance

In intimate relationships we are continually taking steps back and forth. We move toward someone, or away from them, based on what is going on inside of us, circumstances outside of us, and what is going on between us. As we go through this series of adjustments, the relationship develops a tempo. When we focus on what we are doing and what is around us, the dance can be beautiful and flowing, one that moves gracefully with us through our lives.

The Definition of Boundaries

When boundaries become "enmeshed," it means we generally feel responsible for what another does or feels. (We do not define ourselves separately form them.)

The opposite situation, called an "anti-dependent stance," means that we feel distant from others in our life. We fail to recognize that at times we might need to rely on them.

Enmeshed Boundaries

Are you unsure if what you're feeling stems from you or others?

Do you often allow others to cross over your boundaries even when it makes you uncomfortable?

Do you fail to recognize your uncomfortable feelings, or do you feel like you can't do anything to protect yourself even when you do recognize those feelings?

Do you tend to blame others for the way you feel?

Are your beliefs and values unclear to you?

Anti-Dependent Boundaries:

Are you unable to show your internal world to others?

Do you have difficulty accepting feelings at face value? In other words, you need to have a reason for them.

Do you often say that you do not need anyone?

Do you distance yourself emotionally from someone you claim to love?

Do you want intimacy, but push it away...or not want it once you have it?

How to Rate the Confusion Around Boundaries

Boundary setting (or limit setting) includes all of the following:

Receiving feedback from others, then accepting, modifying, or discarding it.

Knowing when we are uncomfortable, and doing something about it.

Recognizing others' needs for boundaries, and not violating them.

&Separating out our feelings, attitudes and beliefs from others'.

Not blaming others for how we feel.

Realizing when a problem is our own, someone else's or a problem shared between us.

Intimacy is a Complex Dance

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Intimacy: The Art of Relationships

How relationships are sabotaged by hidden expectations.

By Lori H. Gordon

=================================================

Intimacy, I have come to believe, is not just a psychological fad, a rallying cry of contemporary couples. It is based on a deep biological need. [Shortly after I began my career as a family therapist I was working in a residential treatment center where troubled teenage boys were sent by the courts. Through my work I began to discover what had been missing for these kids: They needed support and affection, the opportunity to express the range and intensity of their emotions. It was remarkable to discover their depth of need, their depth of pain over the lack of empathy from significant people in their lives.]

the causes of behavior and human experience a complex and include elements that are biological, psychological, social, contextual, and even spiritual. No single theory explains the intricate dynamics of two individuals interacting over time to meet all their needs as individuals and as a couple.

If I had to summarize how to change the hidden expectations that work to distort a relationship, I would boil it all down to a few basic rules:

o If you expect a partner to understand what you need, then you have to tell him or her. That of course means you have to figure out for yourself what you really need.

o You cannot expect your partner to be sensitive and understand exactly how you feel about something unless you're able to communicate to him or her how you feel in the first place.

o If you don't understand or like what your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. And vice versa. Explore. Talk. Don't assume.

Most people tend to react to stress with one or more of four communication styles:

At this point I find that couples do well if I introduce an experience in bonding that is usually very emotionally powerful.

THE DAILY TEMPERATURE READING

Sit close, perhaps even knee-to-knee, facing your partner, holding each other's hands. This simple touching creates an atmosphere of acceptance for both.

1. APPRECIATION. Take turns expressing appreciation for something your partner has done--and thanking each other.

BONDING EXERCISE

o Choose a time when you are feeling somewhat edgy.

o Put on some soft music in the background.

o Lie down with your partner. Lie on your sides cradled into each other, both facing the same direction.

Now let your partner tell you what you needed to hear, while you take it in. Your partner is free to say it in his or her own way: "I'm sorry that happened to you"; "I wish I had been there."

What you talk about next is what you can then do to help yourself. "How can I signal you neutrally to let you know when you trigger this response in me."

PLAYING DEAD

Choose a quiet time and a quiet place when there are no immediate pressures on you or your partner. Plan ahead to set aside the time. Allow about an hour.

Lie down on the floor, eyes closed, arms crossed or at your side, as if you were dead. Take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to relax, but remain still.

Most people are profoundly moved by the emotional discoveries they make about themselves, their partner, and their relationship. They realize they have something they don't want to throw away.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What's the difference between strong friendship and romantic love?

When I have strong feelings for people, I have a very difficult time determining whether I am interested in them as a romantic partner or not. I feel drawn to spending as much time with them as possible, I think about them a lot, their happiness is extremely important to me and their emotions have a strong impact on mine, I want to us to be extremely important in eachothers' lives, I hope to have them in my life permanently. This feeling of being drawn to the person happens both in the context of crushes on new acquaintances as well as with long-standing friends (and with both men and women)-- obviously in a more substantial way with friends.

Becoming a romantic couple with these people seems appealing to me because I like the idea of having a beloved partner at my side and promising to center our lives around eachother-- but for me, this desire does not seem qualitatively different from the feelings towards other good friends, only quantitatively, a matter of degree and intensity. In other words, I would want to marry my best friend because they're my best friend.

I think part of the challenge for me is that, while I wouldn't say I'm completely asexual, I am definitely towards that end of the spectrum. I don't really feel sexual attraction or pull towards anyone. The idea of holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc with people I am emotionally attracted to is very appealing, but more because of intimacy than lust. I am sexually active with partners, but mostly because that's important to them and I want them to be happy. (I'm female and in my mid-20s, by the way.)

As a result, I find myself with a lot of confusion. The kind of love I feel for my boyfriend of 2 years does not seem very different from the way I feel towards a couple of my other very dear friends-- I ask myself, am I romantically drawn to all of them? None of them? Is there a different kind of love feeling out that will feel very different but I won't know until I find it?

So what I'm asking you is, other than the sexual aspect, is there a difference between intense, intimate friendships and romantic relationships? If so, how would you describe it

Although this is only partially an answer to your question, I think it might be more fruitful to ask yourself why the distinction even matters. While society has categories for varying levels of emotional/physical intimacy, they are just that- categories. The walls of those categories are static definitions of abstractions, else they cease to function as such.

Another piece of this puzzle is the lumping together of love and sex- historically, this was not always the case. I think the fact that we are expected to love the people we have sex with (and conversely not have sex with people we don't love) muddies the waters to a degree that the question you are asking exists. In my experience, the best strategy in terms of maximizing fulfillment/answering this question on some level is to interact with and enjoy each relationship on its own merits relative only to itself. Obviously be mindful of how those relationships interact with your others (i.e. if one person requires monogamy be mindful of it, etc.).

Also, I'm not one of those free love advocates, but I think its important to challenge our assumptions that the things society hands us are necessarily the way the world is.

posted by zennoshinjou at 10:23 AM on August 20, 2007 [6 favorites]

Other than the sexual aspect, I don't think there necessarily has to be a big difference between intimate friendships and romantic relationships. Some people approach these categories in a way that creates a difference, but this is a personal choice. You might choose to share certain things (discussing certain topics, watching sports, finances, a house) with only friends or only romantic interests, or you might not.

To a certain extent, the labels of "friendship" and "romantic" are shorthand markers for other people to understand your life. Don't feel that you must define your relationships with people according to labels, but use them if they are useful to you.

posted by yohko at 10:35 AM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'd say the dividing line of these two things can be determined by asking yourself whether you want to kiss someone you're close to, like on the mouth. Answering no means platonic friend. Answering yes means romantic friend.

posted by poppo at 11:00 AM on August 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

well, in many ways the distinctions are artificial, but with romantic love, there is generally a strong friendship plus sexual intimacy as well as (eventually) a lifelong commitment to sharing a home and life, and often parenting.

it's not uncommon for couples to face imbalances of libido. although i don't think it's "unnatural" not to have a libido, it might be worth checking with your doctor to make sure everything's working the way it's supposed to. if so, do a head check and see if there isn't any unaddressed depression or anxiety. you might examine your sexuality in greater depth, and make sure you are not suppressing an attraction to the other gender.

assuming none of these are issues, then you probably just have a low sex drive. i wouldn't worry about it unless you find yourself really compromising yourself or feeling violated when you agree to sexual activity. you may wish to experiment with your sweetie and find things you are comfortable with that will satisfy him. and don't be afraid to see a couples counselor, either.

posted by thinkingwoman at 11:15 AM on August 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Maybe there's a difference. I'd say that most people I know behave as if those two states are quite different. But I think I agree with the previous comments as to why this is the case.

My situation is strikingly similar to yours, emotionally (though I'm not dating, am far from asexual, and have always been one variant or another of bisexual). I love a certain group of people deeply, but I don't think I've really had the emotional experiences my friends describe, when they talk about being in love. Instead, they've been largely similar to your feelings toward your boyfriend and close friends.

Some people form different types of relationships in line with labelling conventions (which is fine by me), and some people don't or can't. Either seems acceptable.

Many of my close friends have these types of feelings regarding love vs. friendship, I've noticed. Several of the relationships between people in my friends group fall into very gray areas when viewed from the outside, and people describe the participants as "confused" or whatever, but the confusion level is typically very low.

This is the first comment I've made here, and I had to because your situation resonated with me bigtime. If you ever feel like thought-exchanging on this sort of thing, get my email from my profile.

posted by Coatlicue at 11:16 AM on August 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Eros.

While love between friends is a mutual, self-sacrificing arrangement, agape, romantic love includes an element of self-serving love as well, eros. Romantic love includes the desire to receive love back from the other in a way that does not involve a mutual arrangement or sacrifice of the self.

In other words friendship would be a "I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine." Romantic love would be more like "I'll scratch your back, if you blow me."

posted by Pollomacho at 11:46 AM on August 20, 2007 [14 favorites]

The grey areas in relationships tend to make people uncomfortable from an outside perspective--categories allow folks to understand situations neatly and not have to think too hard.

Saturday night, I was at a concert with a good friend of the opposite sex. People did not seem to understand--despite assurances from both of us--that we were not a couple. That we were openly affectionate with each other only confounded them more. But that is the nature of our friendship--both of us fully aware that the things that draw us together ultimately make us completely incompatible romantically. We're okay with that.

My point here is that your relationships are yours to define, no one else's. If you want to explore different avenues of intimacy with someone, all you need do is ask and try. If it works, swell. If not, life goes on. The details and distinctions do not really matter.

posted by gsh at 12:03 PM on August 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't expect non-romantic friends to ever identify as part of a unit with me. When I'm involved in a serious romantic relationship, I do.

posted by solipsophistocracy at 12:03 PM on August 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

I ask myself this question all the time, mostly in the context of why I want to have a "romantic" relationship with some people and a "friends" / "friends with benefits" relationship with others. I have no idea, despite frequent heart- and soul-searching, what happens when my feelings change from non-romantic to romantic, nor why it happens in some circumstances and not in others.

For example: I have a "friends" relationship with J. I love him dearly and can't imagine my life without him. He's incredibly important to me and I would be devastated if something were to separate us emotionally. Although he's a very attractive man, at no point in our friendship have I ever wanted to have sex with him, nor have I ever wanted to create a romantic relationship with him. We are and have always been "just" friends.

I have had a "friends-with-benefits" relationship with R. I feel emotionally for him the same way I feel for J., with the added feeling of being very sexually attracted to him. Even so, I have never wanted to create a romantic relationship with him. We are and have always been "just" friends who (used to, before he met his girlfriend) have sex from time to time.

I had a "romantic" relationship with my ex-husband. Everything I feel for R., I felt with him: deep emotional intimacy, sexual attraction, and a desire to spend as much time as possible with him. But there was something else, too, that made me classify my feelings for him as "romantic" rather than "friends" or "friends with benefits." To this day, I can't explain why that feeling occured with him and not with J. or R. It just existed that way, incredibly and wonderfully different from the way I felt for any of the other important people in my life.

It drives my analytical mind absolutely batshit crazy to think that the difference between these feelings is something that will always be inexplicable, and I hate the idea that I will live the rest of my life never being able to explain what it is. But maybe that's the whole point: maybe being "in love" is an uncategorizeable, inexplicable maelstrom of feelings, and maybe the difference of it from other forms of emotional intimacy really is something that you'll know only when you encounter it.

posted by jesourie at 12:38 PM on August 20, 2007 [5 favorites]

My partner is, without question, my best and most intimate friend, totally outside of my romantic love for him. While I have other very warm, very emotionally intimate friendships, this one is deeper than those by leaps and bounds, probably because of the other kinds of intimacy we also share.

We have attraction and sexual intimacy on top of that too, sure, but there's another aspect as well. I'm with solipsophistocracy with that "part of a unit" thing. For me, that feeling started for form after that initial rush of love/lust faded. It's the feeling of a real commitment to not just my life, but our life, and the unit that we are together. I've never felt that to any friend, no matter how intimate.

posted by mostlymartha at 12:38 PM on August 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

Exclusivity is the defining feature of romantic love. The feelings you share for each other are not shared for anyone else. The vulnerability you have with each other is unmatched in any of your other relationships. It's a more wrenchingly involved experience than platonic love -- more wonderful, less fun.

When you friends go away for a week do you die a little inside?

posted by bluenausea at 12:40 PM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

There may not be that much difference between how you feel about your friends and how you feel about your romantic partners. Maybe the difference is in your actions. With romantic partners, there is an element of exclusivity - even if you're not strictly monogamous. There is a continued need to compromise. You pool your resources. If it's serious, you have joint finances, you live in a house together, you maybe get married, have kids. These actions greatly affect your life. And maybe the actions, if you take them, if you care enough about the person you're romantically involved with to take them, are what makes the relationship different. And when you realize that you have someone who is there for you, who has committed his/her life to you, even if only through the hard-to-disentangle actions of living together and creating a family, well, maybe then you will feel how a romantic relationship is different. I'm just saying - that might be how it works, rather than blinding passion first, creating a life together second.

posted by fugitivefromchaingang at 12:56 PM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

For a long time, I thought there wasn't any difference. There were people that I loved, to varying degrees, and some of them I also felt sexually attracted to.

Then I met my soulmate. With him, it's different. There's an 'us' in a way there isn't with any other relationship in my life. If either of us were unable to have sex, we'd still spend the rest of our lives together. We understand each other. We mirror each other. I can't find the words to explain it. But it's different.

posted by happyturtle at 1:08 PM on August 20, 2007 [7 favorites]

You might find this old MetaFilter discussion of Boston marriages interesting.

posted by paduasoy at 2:07 PM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

I've wondered about some of these questions before, too. I managed to fall in love with my best friend some years back, but the transition to thinking about it that way was both unexpected and confusing. I spent a long time telling myself that it was just a really intense friendship before I managed to admit to myself that my feelings for him were something more. How I knew that is really tough to put into words, but I'd agree with what a lot of people here have said; it's a sense of wanting there to be an "us," as such, as distinct from any of the other relationships in either of our lives. And while I don't generally think of jealosy as been a positive thing, some small element of jealousy seems to be one of the differences between romantic and platonic love. It always hurts when a friendship changes, but if the idea of that person having a romantic relationship with anyone else absolutely crushes you beyond what seems reasonable, maybe that's a good indicator that you feel something for them beyond just friendship.

posted by you're a kitty! at 4:32 PM on August 20, 2007 [4 favorites]

Friends last. Romantic love, not so much.

posted by fourcheesemac at 5:02 PM on August 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

the only difference to me is that he's my best friend and he makes me all tingly when i think of him/see him/get a note or a voicemail from him. i have always, not intentionally but inevitably, wound up romantically involved with people i enjoyed being friendly with first. i can't imagine being serious with someone and not being able to talk with them as a close friend. i know that's not everyone's cup of tea or approach, which is fine by me, but you did ask for individual, idiosyncratic responses...for what it's worth, all of my buddies are the same way about it. having a hot affair with some strange distant person is unrealistic and best left to absurd (but maybe fun in its absurdity) fantasy for us.

on the other hand, i have friends i could not in a million years imagine being sexually attracted to, and would thus never become romantically involved with. the close friendship is a necessary but not sufficient on its own criteria for a romantic partner. sexual chemistry is important to me, very very important, which took me way too long to figure out. but now that i understand it and have both requisites i am a happy woman indeed. seriously, sometimes i feel like swooning just thinking about hot my boyfriend is. it's totally unfair and vague and enduring, that physical chemistry aspect, but it shouldn't be ignored, methinks. (shrug)

and sometimes all i want to do is stay up til 4 talking to him about books and places to travel to and the silly details of our work day. i need both to be happy in a romantic relationship, and i bet a lot of people are the same way.

posted by ifjuly at 7:53 PM on August 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

For me there is no, and I mean no difference. However, for my friends, there is, and that has affected how I act towards them. In other words, I am not willing to put more commitment into relationships than the other person is willing to put in, at least not anymore, not in my thirties.

Like you, one of the active differences is sex (but possibly for slightly different reasons). I have sex with the person who commits to me, to being there for me every day, to moving cross-country with me, to compromising and making joint decisions, to sharing finances. I do not have sex with my friends, partially because the commitment is more important to me than the sex.

I've had a hard time learning to live with the fact that my friends will always feel different levels of love and commitment than I do towards them. It took me all through my twenties to realize that I have *never* met anyone who felt the way I did about my friends. There are people in the polyamory community who insist that it's possible and that *they!*, really *they!* are different. But in the end I've never seen it happen--in the end it's all about the sex and the new shinies.

posted by digitalis at 1:54 AM on August 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

I can't say I have an answer to your question, but I can certainly say it's something that I've long pondered - you're not the only one! (Also, by the looks of the number of favourites, we're not the only two.)

That article about Boston Marriages was fascinating. Even as a straight eighteen year old male, I sympathised with much of the sentiment contained within.

I will be following this thread eagerly.

posted by PuGZ at 3:41 AM on August 21, 2007

romantic love includes an element of self-serving love as well, eros. Romantic love includes the desire to receive love back from the other in a way that does not involve a mutual arrangement or sacrifice of the self. In other words friendship would be a "I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine." Romantic love would be more like "I'll scratch your back, if you blow me."

This is one of the more bizarre statements I've read here. To me, it's exactly the reverse; romantic love invariably involves sacrifice of the self (or at least the willingness for such sacrifice). Romantic love is "I'll scratch your back or blow you or fix you dinner, whatever will make you happy, because your happiness is the most important thing in the world to me." I'm pretty sure my definition is more common.

posted by languagehat at 6:45 AM on August 21, 2007 [7 favorites]

I find myself with a lot of confusion. The kind of love I feel for my boyfriend of 2 years does not seem very different from the way I feel towards a couple of my other very dear friends-- I ask myself, am I romantically drawn to all of them? None of them? Is there a different kind of love feeling out that will feel very different but I won't know until I find it?

My take, as someone who saw a lot of myself in what you wrote, is that there are people who will tell you "just wait til you find it!" but that has not been my personal experience so far, which is not at all a bad thing. I have a good number of friends and some super-close friends, both men and women. At various times in my life many of these super-close friends have been partner-types of one sort or another. We'd go on vacation together, visit family together, plan some of our futures together, etc. However, we weren't sleeping together (I'm sort of low on the libido scale, as you seem to be, though I do get pulled towards some people from time to time I'm often pretty take it or leave it about sex otherwise) and, as time went on, most of those people went on to form close pair-bonds with other people to do the vacation, family visiting, kid-having stuff. I'm still fairly close with most of them, but it's over more of a distance now. I occupy some oddish place in their past and sometimes present, not really an ex-girlfriend, not really "just" a friend, but it seems that since we mostly all agree on it, it doesn't need any more definition than that.

I had a long term boyfriend for many years and experienced the same feeling. I loved him and had definitely "chosen" him to be my partner, but I didn't feel that I loved him more or differently than other very close people in my life. The romantic love notion for me is more about the specialness that you invest in a chosen person as the one who you belong with, and not any particular mental state you have when you're with them that you just don't get with other people. So, to your question...

other than the sexual aspect, is there a difference between intense, intimate friendships and romantic relationships?

For me, the answer is "not really" except that in this culture the way that people are used to associating with each other (for partners) tends to prioritize one sex-based pair bond which can make people similar to you, and me, outliers of a sort. However, nothing is stopping you from defining your loves and desires however you wnt to, you just may have a hard time finding the right words to explain it to others.

posted by jessamyn at 6:52 PM on August 21, 2007 [4 favorites]

The difference is which movie the woman thinks they're in.

________________________________________________________________________________________

What do I mean by "intimacy"? Intimacy is a concept not exclusive to romance. I think it's also a potential descriptor of high-wattage interactions, feelings, and trust between two platonic friends. In a romantic relationship intimacy can be conveyed via physical contact â€” just snuggle up with her/him. In a platonic friendship intimacy must be expressed mostly via words and body language. So it can be hard to pin down in a friendship.

Here's one possible sign of intimacy: When you're with this friend, does your best and most natural self come out? Does being the person you want to be become effortless?

Intimacy in friendships is one of those things that you can get along fine without but miss once you've experienced it. Most people I know who maintain deep, intimate friendships value these relationships more highly than their ever-growing list of weak ties. Peak human experiences seem to happen in conjunction with intimate, soul-nourishing relationships. Friendships of this variety blur the lines and categories altogether.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

loving somebody means rejoicing in

their joy, suffering on account of their suffering and doing whatever you can to promote

their good life. In loving somebody you reach out to the world. Putting value in the

flourishing of beings, or even things and ideas, other than yourself gives meaning to your

life. The purest form of love is selfless maternal love.

love is dialogical and not altruistic. Love is about sharing and not about caring.

Loving somebody means enjoying things together with him or her, talking, hiking or

making music together. In loving somebody you enlarge your self by closely interacting

with and responding to the other person. We do not flourish as atoms; our nature is social.

The purest form of love is all-embracing erotic love.

Friendship is the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring all right out just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful friendly hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of comfort, blow the rest away.

My experience confirms to me that friendships of opposite sex partners cannot exsist without sexual tension. I have had an opposite sex friend Iâ€™ve known for years and have in the last five months became extremely close to. Iâ€™ve moved beyond my level of intimacy with him than I have with anyone else ever, and the feeling is at times euphoric, and generally comforting and supportive. This is someone Iâ€™ve always cared for but never thought I would be sexually attracted to him. However as our bond has grown so deep through trust, mutual understanding and caring for each other, I have become more sexually aroused than I have ever felt towards anyone before.

I donâ€™t feel any differently about the relationship or him though as I did before the sexual feelings (acts) except continually more emotionally connected. The sexual part seems to me to be a natural part of the progression of intimacy. As Iâ€™ve gotten more comfortable and safe, and see heâ€™s experiencing the same, I feel them and am able to act on them more. I was struggling with some sort of perceived decision about who my â€œpartnerâ€ would be and feeling like I knew â€œitâ€ wasnâ€™t him and basically trying to escape the label game and enjoy what Iâ€™m experiencing. (his trouble with this was do I love this person or am I in love with this person?)

I donâ€™t desire to posses him and call him mine or restrict the love he can give or feel for others, is this what marks the difference between a modern â€˜romantic relationshipâ€™ and This real true form of love Iâ€™m experiencing?

Intimacy grows deeper every time you let yourself be vulnerable with someone and they respond in a way that makes you feel supported and understood. Likewise, intimacy grows when the other person is vulnerable with you and you respond in a way that feels supportive and understanding to them.

you cannot force intimacy. Demanding that your partner shares him or herself with you in ways that feel too vulnerable to him or her will not create intimacy. It is also important for the reluctant partner to remember that trying to reduce his or her own vulnerability also reduces intimacy with his or her partner. Intimacy requires courage, sometimes a great deal of it.

It is useful to know how much intimacy you want in relationship, because it is hard to have a satisfying relationship with someone whose desire for intimacy is extremely different from yours. On the other hand, remember that many people in relationship have differing desires about intimacy, and with a little work people can usually reach a satisfactory compromise.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Understanding a Fear of Intimacy

The fear of intimacy, also referred to as intimacy avoidance, is often characterized as a subconscious fear of sharing a deep relationship. People who experience this fear do not usually wish to avoid intimacy, and may even long for closeness, but frequently push others away or even sabotage relationships.

Fear of intimacy can stem from several causes, including a fear of engulfment that stems from childhood, as well as a history of abuse and neglect. Overcoming this can take time, both to explore and understand deep-seated trust issues and to practice vulnerability.

Defining Intimacy

Intimacy refers to the ability to genuinely share your true self with another person. There are four basic types of intimacy, and the fear of it may involve one or more of them to different degrees:

Intellectual: The ability to share your thoughts and ideas with another

Emotional: The ability to share your innermost feelings with another

Sexual: The ability to share yourself sexually

Experiential: The ability to share experiences with another

For example, a person with a fear of intimacy may be able to relate well when sharing experiences (for example, golfing) with someone, but face anxiety when it comes to sharing thoughts and/or feelings.

The fear of intimacy is separate from the fear of fear of vulnerability, though the two can be closely intertwined. A person who is living with a fear of intimacy may be comfortable becoming vulnerable and showing their true self to the world at first, or at least to trusted friends and relatives. The problem often begins when a person with the fear finds those relationships becoming too close or intimate.

Causes

Fears of abandonment and engulfmentâ€”and, ultimately, a fear of lossâ€”are at the heart of a fear of intimacy for most people, and many experience both simultaneously. Although the fears are dramatically different from one another, both cause behaviors that alternately pull the partner in and then push him or her away again.

These fears are generally rooted in past childhood experiences, rather than the here-and-now of adult relationships, leading to confusion if a person focuses on examining the relationship based on present-day circumstances.

Fear of Abandonment

Those who are afraid of abandonment worry that their partner will leave. This often results from a parent or other important adult figure abandoning the person emotionally or physically as a young child.

Fear of Engulfment

Those who have a fear of engulfment are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship, and this often stems from growing up in an enmeshed family.

Perhaps surprisingly, those who fear abandonment may actually be more likely to leave a relationship than those who fear engulfment. However, when the relationship breaks apart, those with a fear of engulfment may then suffer feelings of abandonment.

Social Phobia/Anxiety Disorder

The fear of intimacy may occur as part of a social phobia/social anxiety disorder, and some experts classify the fear of intimacy as a subset of these conditions.

People who are afraid of others are naturally more likely to shy away from making intimate, personal connections. In addition, some specific phobias, such as the fear of touch, may occur as part of the fear of intimacy.

Other people, however, may be comfortable in loose social situations, numbering their acquaintances and social media "friends" in the hundreds, but have no deeply personal relationships at all. In fact, the fear of intimacy can be harder to detect as people hide behind their phones and social media.

Risk Factors

Risk factors for a fear of intimacy most often stem back to childhood and the inability to trust parental figures. This lack of trust teaches a young child that they must rely on themselves.

Attachment trauma during childhood can take many forms, such as:

Verbal abuse

Physical abuse

Sexual abuse

Childhood neglect (unavailable parents): Parents who are physically but not emotionally available send the message to children that they can't be relied on.

Loss of a parent through death, divorce, or imprisonment

Parental illness: Illness in a parent can result in a feeling of not being able to rely on anyone but oneself, especially when it involves role reversal or the need to "play parent" and care for other siblings at a young age.

Parental mental illness: An example is a parent who has a narcissistic personality disorder, especially when it occurs in a mother.

Parental substance abuse

Enmeshed families: While enmeshed families may, on the surface, appear to be loving and supportive, a child may lose themselves in the process of playing their "role."

A fear of intimacy is more common in people who are taught not to trust strangers, in those who have a history of depression (especially in women), and in those who have experienced rape. While the condition often stems from issues with a parent, it may also be related to issues with a teacher, another relative, or bullying from other children.

Signs and Manifestations

The fear of intimacy can play out in a number of different ways in any type of relationship, whether romantic, platonic, or familial.

It's important to note that the manifestations of an underlying fear of intimacy can often be interpreted as the opposite of what the person is actually feeling. For instance, a person may strongly desire close relationships, but their fear prompts them to do things that cause problems forming and sustaining them.

Ironically, relationship-sabotaging actions are usually most pronounced when the relationship in question is one that the person particularly values. For those who have been involved with a person living with a fear of intimacy, this is particularly important to understand.

The fear does not usually cause major difficulties unless a person truly longs for closeness.

Some specific behaviors that are commonly seen include:

Serial Dating/Fear of Commitment

A person who has a fear of intimacy is often able to interact with another, at least initially. It's when the relationship grows closerâ€”when the value of the relationship growsâ€”that things begin to fall apart.

Instead of connecting on an intimate level, the relationship is ended in some way, and replaced by yet another, more superficial relationship. The pattern that emerges is many short-term relationships.

There are a number of reasons why a person may appear to have a "commitment phobia" or be accused of being a serial dater; fear of intimacy may be one.

Perfectionism

Underlying a fear of intimacy often lies a feeling that a person does not deserve to be loved and supported. This leads to the need to be "perfect" to prove oneself lovable. Whether it takes the form of being a workaholic or other manifestations of perfectionism, the fear often works to push others away rather than draw them near.

Difficulty Expressing Needs

A person with a fear of intimacy may have great difficulty expressing needs and wishes. Again, this may stem from feeling undeserving of another's support. Since partners are unable to "mind read," those needs go unfulfilled, essentially confirming the person's feelings that he or she is unworthy.

This can translate into a vicious circle, one in which the lack of a partner understanding unexpressed needs leads to a further lack of trust in the relationship.

Sabotaging Relationships

People who have a fear of intimacy may sabotage their relationship in many ways. This may take the form of nitpicking and being very critical of a partner. It may also take the form of making themselves unlovable in some way, or involve paranoia, acting suspicious, and accusing a partner of something that hasn't actually occurred.

Difficulties With Physical Contact

A fear of intimacy can lead to extremes when it comes to physical contact. On one side, a person may avoid physical contact completely. On the other, he or she may seem to have a constant need for physical contact.

Diagnosis

There is a spectrum when it comes to fear of intimacy, with some people having only mild traits and others unable to form any close relationships at all. Psychometric testing can help a psychologist or therapist better define where a person lies on the spectrum and also evaluate for other mental health conditions.

The Fear of Intimacy Scale is one measurement that can help objectively assess the condition.

Therapy

Professional guidance is often required, especially if the fear of intimacy is rooted in complicated past events. Choose your therapist carefully, as therapeutic rapport, mutual respect, and trust are essential to the work of healing. You may find that you need to try several therapists before you find a match.

Your therapist can help you come to terms with any past or present events that are clouding the situation and help you design a series of small steps to gradually work through your fear.

Due to the causes, such as chronic childhood trauma, many people who have a fear of intimacy also experience problems with depression, substance abuse, and anxiety disorders that also need to be addressed. A therapist can assist with these individual concerns as well.

Management/Coping

Whether you consult with a therapist or not, there is some work that must be done in order to conquer a fear of intimacy that only you can do. This largely comes down to facing and challenging negative attitudes about one's self, which is critical if lasting change is to take place.

This can take time, a willingness to accept uncertainty, and the effort to review your life to discover how and why you developed this fear of loss.

Willingness to Accept Uncertainty

Those who fear intimacy ultimately fear the consequences of a relationship that turns sour. It's important to embrace the fact that there are no guarantees in life or in human relationships. Every connection with another person is ultimately a gamble. Despite that, social relationships are a basic driving goal of human existence.

Practicing courage can make a difference, and it's been found that developing positive relationship experiences can decrease the fear. A caveat is that it's important to do this with someone who you believe you can trust.

Try to focus more on living day to day, rather than focusing on (or needing) a particular outcome.

Self Compassion

In order to successfully battle the fear of intimacy, you must first be comfortable in yourself. If you truly know and accept your own value and worth as a person, then you know that rejection is not as crushing as it may seem. You will be able to set appropriate boundaries to avoid engulfment and cope with abandonment if it comes along.

Practicing self-compassion may sound easy to some, but for others, it's not always intuitive. There are several excellent books and workbooks available that may be helpful if you're not certain where to begin.

Look at Your Past

Most of us don't want to think negatively about a parent, but try to honestly evaluate your childhood in an effort to zero in on a possible cause of your fear of intimacy. Think about the messages you received in your family and compare these with the messages you should have received.

If you had a neglectful, abusive, or engulfing parent, realizing that that is not normal may help you realize what is.

Tune Into Your Inner Dialogue

The inner dialogue that leads to the manifestations of a fear of intimacy is often deep-seated, and after living a lifetime as your own inner critic, it may seem normal to you. Rather than accepting that critic, try to catch yourself casting judgments on yourself. Look to see where they are coming from and challenge and correct them when you can.

Look at Your Goals

What do you really want in life? Do you want a long-term intimate relationship? If so, how have you pushed people away in the past? Take time to review what your wishes and goals were and are and how your actions either help or hinder them.

Give Yourself Time

Overcoming a fear of intimacy doesn't happen overnight. Even when you feel like you have gained ground, you will inevitably have setbacks. Grant yourself forgiveness when this happens and speak kindly to your inner self.

Try not to view your fear as a character flaw, but simply something that likely stems from your distant past that you can work through in order to have a better future.

For Loved Ones

If it is your loved one who is coping with a fear of intimacy, you will need to practice patience. Setbacks are perfectly normal and to be expected.

Establishing safety is of utmost importance so that your loved one can begin to open up.

Try to not react personally or with anger if your loved one tries to push you away. Recognize that she is not rejecting you, but instead fears that you will reject her.

Keep her fear of abandonment, rejection, or engulfment in mind as you think about her words and behaviors. She may interpret an action in a completely different way than you would be given her upbringing.

For example, if she is coping with a fear of engulfment due to growing up in an enmeshed family, surprising her by saying "we are going on a trip" may not be a loving and pleasant surprise at all, and may reinforce her fear of being controlled. Instead, providing her clear choices and making sure she is involved in all decisions might be interpreted as more loving.

Regular reminders of your love, both in words and in actions, are important. Don't assume she "feels" loved. Rather, create an environment that supports the fact that she's deserving of it.

Most importantly, let him or her know that getting past the fear is a team effort. While you are likely curious, it's not important for you to understand how this all started. Instead, what your loved one needs is support and a willingness to listen when she is ready to share.

Finally, keep in mind that fear of intimacy usually rears its head in relationships that a person cherishesâ€”not those that are superficial. It's also usually triggered by positive emotions instead of negative ones.

A Word From Verywell

Actions rooted in a fear of intimacy only perpetuate the concern. With effort, and especially with a good therapist, however, many people have overcome the fear and developed the understanding and tools needed to create long-term intimate relationships.

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10 Silent Signs You Have Intimacy Issues

Corey Whelan

Fear of intimacy is understandableâ€”and commonâ€”but the inability to overcome that fear will wreck your relationships. First, you need to recognize the subtle fear-of-intimacy signs, then you have to address the problem: Hereâ€™s what the experts recommend.

Youâ€™re angryâ€”a lot

There are many types of anger, and it helps to figure out what type youâ€™re expressing. A deep, subconscious fear of intimacy can rear its ugly head, showing up in response to a relationship that is becoming uncomfortably close, and one way this fear can manifest is via anger. â€œConstant explosions of anger indicate immaturity, and immature people cannot form intimate relationships,â€ says John Mayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand. Everyone gets angry sometimes, but if you find feelings of anger bubbling up constantly, or inappropriately, a fear of intimacy may be lurking underneath. The fix may not be easy, or quick, but communicating your feelings to your partner can help. â€œTalking it out is key here. Foster vigorous, frequent, honest, and open communication. Donâ€™t deny these intimacy issues exist, and put them on the table with the person you are interested in,â€ suggests Dr. Mayer.

Youâ€™re scared not to be perfect

We all want to be loved, warts and all, but that takes trust, and the ability to risk rejection. â€œPeople in relationships are constantly asking themselves, in one way or another, if they can trust the other person. Can they show their flaws, or risk being embarrassed? The way to move past this fear is to take measured risks,â€ says licensed marriage and family therapist, Jenn Kennedy. Being loved for who you really are is an incredible gift, but you have to show your partner the real you, if itâ€™s ever going to happen. â€œGive your partner the chance to show up for you, and see how it works out. If it goes well, risk doing something bigger, and more important,â€ suggests Kennedy, who also stresses the importance of verbalizing your fears, and feelings. â€œThis is a great way to help the other person soften, and be more open. For example, if you say â€˜Iâ€™m afraid you wonâ€™t respect, love, or find me attractive if I do this,â€™ It lets your partner express a willingness to not reject you,â€ she explains. Nobodyâ€™s perfect. No matter who are you, or might have done in the past, coming clean about it will free you up, allowing emotional intimacy to take the place of fear. You can also gauge whether your partner is trustworthy by looking for these signs.

Youâ€™re sexually immatures

Maybe you love sex, but canâ€™t connect with your partner during the actâ€”ever. If so, your intimacy issues may be fostering a level of sexual immaturity, which has nothing to do with chronological age. â€œSexual immaturity can show up as an excessive interest in porn, or in sex acts, as opposed to making love. Sexually immature individuals may also insist upon using toys, or the accouterments of sex, rather than concentrating on their partner. It includes inattention to the otherâ€™s needs, and sole concentration on their own need for sexual release, or gratification,â€ says Dr. Mayer.

People with a fear of intimacy may also recoil from sex, altogether. Both ends of the spectrum display an inability to emotionally let go or to communicate intimately. Dr. Mayer suggests letting yourself be emotionally naked towards each other, so that you are not afraid to bring up your fears, and insecurities. If you are able to do this in all aspects of your life, it will be easier to do it sexually, as well. â€œRemember, by doing this, you are allowing the other person to get to know the real you, and thatâ€™s the best path to intimacy and love,â€ he explains. Donâ€™t miss these habits of couples with steamy sex lives.

Youâ€™re there in body, but not in spirit

You can share a home and still have intimacy issues. Maybe itâ€™s the television set which is always on, even during dinner, or the video games you play incessantly on your own, in the basement. You donâ€™t have to be attached to your partner at the hip, but if you never take the time to talk to each other, fear of intimacy may be the reason why. â€œSimple, nonverbal ways to build intimacy include eye contact, staying off technology, and being present for your partner. Physical contact, such as cuddling in the morning, or a real hug when you come back together after work, can be especially powerful,â€ says Kennedy. â€œThese expressions of intimacy communicate to the other person that they matter to you. It builds safety, which results in deeper intimacy,â€ she adds. Make sure this intimacy killer isnâ€™t harming your bond.

Your record precedes you

If looking back yields nothing but a steady stream of relationships that didnâ€™t work out, your fear of intimacy may be to blame. It can be agonizing trying to find a negative pattern in your own behavior, but find it you must, if youâ€™re ever going to break free, says Kennedy. Dig deep, and look at all of the important people in your life, not just your romantic partners. Fear of intimacy can also affect familial relationships and friendships. â€œIf you always prefer to spend time in groups, rather than one-on-one, that may represent a fear of intimacy,â€ says Kennedy. As reported in PsychAlive, fear of intimacy which runs this deep may have its roots in childhood. No one has a perfect upbringing, but if yours is getting in the way of your ability to be an adult, working it out with a therapist may be your best bet.

You prefer emotional affairs to your real-life relationship

If you find yourself talking through all the intimacy issues in your relationship with someone else, that may represent fear of intimacy. This emotional relationship may be especially damaging if the someone else is a potential sexual partner. It wonâ€™t matter if youâ€™re connecting online, at the office, or in a bar. What matters here is that youâ€™re not communicating honestly with your partner or working on your relationship. â€œEmotional affairs are all about shattering trust. When you go behind your partnerâ€™s back, and share information you wouldnâ€™t dare talk about if your partner was standing there, thatâ€™s an emotional affair,â€ explains life coach and author, David Essel. He warns, if youâ€™re leaning on your emotional affair for support and self-validation, this is a big-time fear-of-intimacy red flag.

Even if youâ€™re not having sex within your emotional affair, acknowledging that it is hurting your primary relationship is the best, first step you can take towards rectifying the situation. Communicate honestly with your partner, and yourself, about what this connection represents to you, and recognize how much easier it is to be pretend-intimate with someone you hardly know, rather than going deep with the person you truly love.

Youâ€™re married to your job

Being a workaholic is not a badge of honor, but rather, may be a powerful sign of emotional intimacy issues. Worse, long hours can be hard on your physical health. â€œWhen we bury ourselves in busy work, it might be because we are unconsciously avoiding intimacy. Many people who avoid intimacy do so because they are trying to dodge feelings of sadness, shame, or anger. By staying busy all the time, you can easily ignore those feelings, and avoid having to deal with them,â€ says A.J. Marsden, PhD, an assistant professor of human services and psychology at Beacon College, in Leesburg, Florida. â€œIf youâ€™ve been with your partner for a while, itâ€™s easy to fall into a routine, and evade intimate moments. Start a weekly date night, but alternate who gets to pick the activity each week. This helps you share your intimate interests, while at the same time staying in a rather positive environment,â€ suggest Dr. Marsden, who also suggests doing things together at home, such as cooking a meal or growing a garden. â€œWhile doing these activities, talk about what you like, and donâ€™t like, and ask each other questions,â€ she adds. It may also help to do nothing together, letting the day take you where it wants to go. Just make sure to keep your phones off, and your communication skills on. And donâ€™t forget to make time for sex. Sex is important in building intimacy in a relationship. It also confers a lot of health benefits. Here are some reasons your partner may not want to have sex with you.

Youâ€™re wearing a mask

Maybe youâ€™re an unending perfectionist, and itâ€™s ruining your life, or maybe, youâ€™re afraid to take your mask off and show fear, worry, or concern. According to Dr. Marsden, another subtle sign of emotional intimacy fear is always being incredibly positive. â€œPeople who avoid intimacy, want to be perceived by others as always being in a good mood, and never getting angry, or upset about anything. By forcing this positivity all the time, youâ€™re not sharing empathy, and therefore, avoiding deep connections with others,â€ she explains. This can also manifest as always needing to be the strong one, in every situation, or by being perfectly perfect, all the time. These techniques all mask an inability to show your true, warts-and-all self, to other people. â€œBy not allowing others to see your vulnerability or mistakes, they are less likely to grow close to you.â€

You lack confidence

If youâ€™re not comfortable in your own skin, itâ€™s hard to let someone else in. â€œThe ability to be intimate with another, results from a personal sense of confidence, and balanced self-esteem,â€ says Dr. Mayer. Without those fundamental attributes, itâ€™s easy to fear being mocked, or not taken seriously. Lacking confidence often results in intimacy issues with someone else. The way to combat this is often a solo excursion but still requires letting your partner know your feelings.

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The decision to reject love and intimacy (and to withhold love) can stem from a conscious decision or for unconscious reasons (e.g., you feel unworthy of love). In a previous post I discussed how impaired self-esteem can lead you to reject overtures of love due to deep-seated beliefs that you are undeserving. When this occurs, you place a ceiling on the positives you are able to take in. In this case, the partner who feels unworthy brings these long-standing issues to his/her marriage or relationship, and those issues have a powerful influence on the course of the relationship.

As one of my readers astutely pointed out, another reason for one partnerâ€™s rejection of love and intimacy might stem from the dynamics of the relationship itself. Letâ€™s look at this aspect of blocked intimacy more closely.

Understanding Your Relationship Dance

The relationship-as-a-dance is an appropriate metaphor to help us better understand the dynamics of intimacy. (Donâ€™t worry, you can have two left feet like me and still grasp the implications of this metaphor.) During a literal dance each partner reactsâ€“very often you react to your partnerâ€™s moves and s/he reacts to yours. So in your relationship you and your partner are continuously acting and reacting to each other. Imagine you and your partner having this brief exchange:

You: I didnâ€™t like it when you made fun of me in front of everyone. You know Iâ€™m embarrassed about being clumsy.

Partner: I was just kidding. And I didnâ€™t make the joke until I realized you were okay (and that you didnâ€™t fall on the cat that was at the bottom of the stairs).

You: But that wasnâ€™t funny, it felt hurtful.

Partner: (visibly and audibly annoyed now) Geez, I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me? (Exits the room, slams the door on the way outâ€¦)

In this interpersonal dance how do you think your would react to your partnerâ€™s apology? Would you just hear the words â€œIâ€™m sorry,â€ or would you react to his/her tone of voice? In this case you might reject the apology because his/her emotional message sends a very different and conflicting message. So you might remain closed off and your feelings of hurt unresolved.

If, on the other hand, the apology felt genuine to you, you might forgive her/him and your relationship dance will get back into step.

Relationship missteps

Your relationship dance does not have to be perfect or even near perfect (to expect perfection is just a set-up for major disappointment). Whatâ€™s important is to identify the times your relationship becomes unsynchronized. So identifying when and why your relationship falls out of step and then doing something about this out-of-step dance is what will keep your relationship healthy.

But donâ€™t forget that your relationship (as in all relationships) will experience periods when you and your partner are attuned to each other, as well as periods when youâ€™re not attuned to each other. An essential ingredient of a healthy relationship is how the periods when youâ€™re not in step with each other are handled (not if they occur, because they will). In the brief example above, your partner said something that was hurtful (and your connection with him/her was weakened) and you attempted to get the relationship back on track (to reconnect with your partner by sharing your feelings and having her/him understand what bothered you) . But your partnerâ€™s defensive reaction prevented the relationship from getting back on track.

There are many reasons why you and your partner might temporarily fail to remain attuned to each otherâ€™s needs. These reasons may take the form of misunderstanding, arguments, falling into a relationship rut, taking each other for granted, to name a few. Donâ€™t let this variety overwhelm you because all periods of emotional missed connections can be resolved when handled with:

Respect (disagree while maintaining respect toward one another)

Openness (control your defensive reaction)

Empathy (make efforts to understand your partnerâ€™s perspective)

Ownership (take responsibility for your part of the dance)

When this occurs, trust and intimacy are strengthened. Knowing that you and your partner can inadvertently stumble into times when youâ€™re out of synch and emerge from them is a powerful way to deepen intimacy. You learn that you can be yourself, have a bad day, and even slip up once in a while and take the workday stress out on your partner. Because ultimately, you learned that you and your partner will emerge time and time again from your relationship missteps and find the connection and emotional attunement that make you feel loved and deeply bonded to each other.

When You Reject Love

When you and/or your partner react to natural, inevitable relationship missteps with disrespect, defensiveness, minimization or denial, then your relationship has entered a danger zone.

In our above example, letâ€™s imagine that your partner typically gets angry and defensive whenever you appropriately assert yourself. In this case you might come to realize that whenever you attempt to get your needs met and feel safe enough to bring all of yourself into the relationship, your partner shuts you down, rejecting your attempts to keep the relationship on track. A divide between you grows.

But every so often, your partner makes an attempt to be loving and intimate with you. In this case, you may reject his/her offers. In short, your role in the relationship dance is now one of self-protection. Rather than accept his/her offers of love (which would require you to lower your defenses and open your heart, thereby leaving you vulnerable to his/her erratic behavior), you reject your partnerâ€™s offeringsâ€“not out of some inability to accept love, but as a means of self-preservation. Sometimes your rejections might be subtle (e.g., refusing to accept a kind offer), at other times more dramatic (e.g., refusing to have sex with your partner).

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The fear of intimacy is highly intertwined with the fear of vulnerability. For many people, however, the two issues are separate. You may be comfortable with becoming vulnerable, showing your true self to the world or at least to trusted friends and relatives. Yet you might cringe when you feel a relationship becoming too close or intimate. The fear of vulnerability, then, can be loosely defined as a fear of showing your true self, while the fear of intimacy is the fear of sharing a deep relationship with someone else.

Abandonment and Engulfment

For most sufferers, the fear of intimacy is rooted in the twin fears of abandonment and engulfment. Those who are afraid of abandonment worry that their partner will leave, while those who fear engulfment are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship. Many people actually suffer from both fears simultaneously.

Fears of abandonment and engulfment are at the heart of many, though not all, codependent relationships. These fears are generally rooted in past childhood experiences, rather than the here-and-now of adult relationships. Although the fears are dramatically different from each other, both cause behaviors that alternately pull the partner in and then push him or her away again. These behaviors create friction and help to destroy intimacy.

Ironically, those who fear abandonment may actually be more likely to leave a relationship than those who fear engulfment. However, when the relationship breaks apart, those with a fear of engulfment may suffer feelings of abandonment.

Social Phobia

Some experts classify the fear of intimacy as a subset of social phobia or social anxiety disorder. People who are afraid of others are naturally more likely to shy away from making intimate, personal connections. However, the fear of intimacy may be entirely unrelated to any other form of social anxiety. Some people are comfortable in loose social situations, numbering their acquaintances and social media "friends" in the hundreds, but have no deeply personal relationships at all.

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Intimacy-Avoiding Pattern Edit 0 2â€¦

If you have the Intimacy-Avoiding Pattern, you're not as intimate as you are capable of being.

False Beliefs of the Intimacy-Avoiding Pattern

Intimacy is dangerous.

I will get hurt if I am open and vulnerable in a close relationship.

Behaviors

I am not very physically affectionate with people I am close to.?

I don't express much affection and love verbally.

I don't share very much of what is important to me with people.?

I? don't feel a lot of love for people.?

I don't show much interest and listen when someone wants to share what is important to him/her.?

I are not very caring with someone when he/she is in pain or need.

To explore a special case of this, see Intimacy-Avoiding Pattern (for Love Relationships).

Motivations

Fear of Harm. You are afraid of being judged, shamed, hit, yelled at, intruded on, betrayed, exploited, or controlled if you open up to intimacy.

Attempt to Stop Harm.You feel that you are being judged, shamed, hit, yelled at, intruded on, betrayed, exploited, or controlled, so you close off to being intimate with people.

Fear of Rejection. You are afraid of being rejected, dismissed, or abandoned if you open up to intimacy.

Attempt to Stop Rejection. You feel that you are being rejected, dismissed, or abandoned, so you close off to being intimate.

Fear of Vulnerability. You are afraid of opening up your needs and not having them met, or of your needs being too painful.

Fear of Losing Yourself in a Relationship. If you open yourself to intimacy, you are afraid of becoming too dependent, pleasing, or caretaking and therefore losing sight of your needs.

Fear of Others' Pain. You are afraid that if you are close to someone, you will be flooded with their pain.

Distancing in the Service of Anger. You create distance as an expression of anger at people.

The Intimacy-Avoiding Pattern is a sub-pattern of the Distancing Pattern in the Intimacy Dimension.

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