INTJs are not adept at reading the emotions of others or at conveying their own emotions. For this reason, they have a difficult time placing themselves into another person’s shoes. Supporting or nurturing emotional reactions is of little use for a “scientist” because they struggle to see the practicality. It is not uncommon for this kind of person to overlook specific factors in a person’s life that may account for such an emotional reaction. In social settings, this behavior might seem cold, especially if the INTJ fails to recognize when bluntness may be inappropriate.
INTJ Relationships
INTJ relationships are slow to start, usually because this personality is romantically awkward. Personal relationships tend to deviate from the logical world in which “scientists” thrive, thus leaving such an individual unequipped to maneuver the emotional and physical aspects of a relationship. This character is just as interested in entering a relationship as other personality types but they tend to lack the drive to initiate a relationship. Ever the planner, this individual will have a clear idea of what type of person they are looking for before they even step onto the proverbial field. Self-confidence is one of the “jewels” of this personality and the case often seems to be that the INTJ’s self-confidence shines brightest when they aren’t looking for a relationship. This air of self-assurance can be extremely attractive to a potential mate and will help to instigate a relationship.
Once in a relationship, INTJ takes the commitment very seriously and will work hard to ensure that the relationship has a good chance of working out. The “strategist” will begin to sniff out ways that they can make the relationship better which can involve frequently redefining procedures and searching for ideas that could “fix” inefficient or unbalanced areas of the connection. More than anything, INTJ wants a healthy relationship in which they and their partner are comfortable and content. This driving need to constantly work on and improve the relationship can become annoying and stressful to INTJ’s partner if allowed to get out of control.
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Why do INTJ's find it so hard to communicate their emotions.. in the same way the other 98% of the population does?
Emotions.. I have such a hard time making sense of the constant requirement of humanity to know such things and be so keenly tuned in to constantly expressing, and sharing, and communicating what should be so easy and obvious to discern just by picking up the clues.
If somebody comes inside after shovelling snow for an hour and they are shivering.. chances are, you know they are cold, and you know it is cold outside. But, 98% of the population will say something like.. \ldblquote oh you must be cold!\rdblquote Beach volleyball season ended months ago.
And, that is pretty much my perspective on emotions. I take clues and hints, mold them into an issue to resolve and fix what needs to be repaired, find a compromise, or accept things as being what they are.
Emotions are an internal process. Crunching feelings or provoked reactions into nuggets of perception and figuring out ways to rationalize it all. Rather than share my feelings, I give hints and clues. I am a very soft spoken, mild mannered, simple and consistent person. I don t get excited about many things. Am I acting differently? Well, what could be the reason? All the puzzle pieces are in plain sight. Put them together? No hidden agenda or manipulation here. Petty games that I don't care to indulge.
Yes. I realize that such intuition and deductive reasoning abilities do not come as naturally to nearly all of the other MBTI types. In a personal sense, if somebody can not only realize that something is bothering me, but also figure out the reason why?.. I know that person is somebody who should matter to me. Anything less would be a sign of incompatibility. Yes. As annoying as it may be, emotions become one of my many ways of testing the charachter of a person. I am not going to fake it for approval.
I don't want to hear or say the words. I want to see the actions and effort, and I want for my actions and effort to be noticed. When something is different, something is wrong. People who are complacent or compulsively share every morsel of their emotions tend to not value the purpose or value of emotions.
As a personal example, I can't be in a relationship with somebody who needs to hear the words \ldblquote I love you\rdblquote constantly. It just oozes insecurity to me? The need for validation. Words are just words. Show me something tangible, just like I do for them.
Rather than verbally communicate my emotions, I think of physical ways to express them. If I am distancing myself from anybody or anything, I am reviewing all of the hints, comparing them to previous lessons learned, and contemplating ways for how to best handle the situation. Other than to gain insight, exhaustively talking about every little detail serves no purpose. If things are going well, that will also be obvious. I will be devoted, dedicated, and determined to continue forward with the positive momentum. It will be easy to read my emotional state.
Just like asking somebody who walked in from a blizzard, if they are shivering because they are cold.
There is no super secret INTJ playbook. Nothing to gain by overthinking any of it. Nothing to gain by pressuring for the words I haven't figured out how to communicate. The clues are in what you see. (Or what you don't).
Mature INTJs are not emotionally compromised in any way. They just tend to express them differently. Rather than have conversations about feelings or emotions, there will be a noticable shift in behavior to accommodate the change in perspective.
We skip the redundancy of asking if the shivering person is cold, or blaming them for not dressing well enough, and jump straight to the part of handing them a warm blanket. Actions, not words. Efficiency.
-------------------------------answers-----------------------------Because the INTJ doesn t really have emotions, not the way other people do. How can they communicate something that they rarely understand? Most of the time, the INTJ communicates emotions through what other people have done to them. They are the consummate victims that have a perfectly logical reason for why they let other people screw them over. In personal relationships, the INTJ looks for the broken person to make better. Rarely will you see an INTJ attracted to someone who has all their shit together. How much worse for the INTJ who is plagued with self-doubt and incorrect assumptions to be with someone who doesn t need their help and has no self-doubt. Lastly, the INTJ will hold everything on the inside because they are not sure whether what they feel is accurate or even exists. During this depersonalization of self, the INTJ can experience the most growth or the most \ldblquote turtling\rdblquote . \ldblquote My shell is safe and no one appreciates my uniqueness. I will take my toy and shell and go to another beach.\rdblquote The alternative is to burst out of their shell and have an epiphany of sorts. And, that my friends, is like watching the Phoenix be reborn. In the highest function, you will never want for a better friend than the mature, self-aware INTJ. They can be magnificent.
----------------------------------------------I don't find it hard. If given time and space and allowed to do it on my terms, I can communicate my emotions clearly and concisely, I don't see the need to communicate about my feelings unless they are relevant to the situation. I might tell my husband that I'm feeling sad and shaky because it's the anniversary of our daughter's MET call, resuscitation and heart surgery so he understands why I'm a bit quiet and withdrawn and support me. The conversation would take less than five minutes and may end with a hug (GASP INTJ's hug!! Selectively.). If I was at a scout event for my kids standing around with a group of other Mums I just wouldn't go into it. If I was having trouble coping, I'd quietly remove myself or suck it up. I would not bare my soul because it's not their business and it's not at all relevant to the event, and why should I make a spectacle of myself when people were there for their kids?
By contrast an EFSP woman I know has shown up at a funeral and had a domestic with her husband because SHE felt angry. cried loudly and publicly in the middle of someone else's party because SHE felt sad, laughed when a friend was upset and glibly kept trying to cheer them up after being asked to stop because she felt happy. While we all knew what she was feeling, I don't think her communications about her feelings were effective or respectful. Expressing her fellings she can do, control or discuss not so much.
I am not saying that all ESFP's are like this woman and not all INTJ's are like me. What I am saying is you can't generalise NT=bad at feelings and SF=good at feelings. We are more complex and nuanced creatures than that.
I don't enjoy sitting around talking about feelings and find people who want me to share my inner feelings with them invasive and annoying. I feel things intensely, but I only share with people who I trust. When my daughter was very ill people wanted me to cry with them and were sometimes upset that I did not, thinking that I was unfeeling or not in touch with my feelings. As I said to our care manager though, my heart was broken into a thousand pieces, but I could not fall apart because I was not certain I could put myself back together - and my daughter needed me. I could talk about how I was feeling quite easily. I just could not be the weeping mess they wanted me to be.
I feel it all the feelings. If it's relevant and necessary I can talk about them. What I can't and won't do is be controlled by emotional outbursts.
-----------------------------------------------INTJ s need km to know things. Half the time when we're embroiled in something such that our emotions are getting the better of us, we don't know what we're feeling.
Is this jealosy? Is this rage or just anger? Wait I'm crying this must be sadness! But I'm not depressed. (3 hours later)\'85 furstration! IF it wasn't before it is now because nobody did jack crap or even noticed that I was so hurt by that sitiation.
(Meanwhile the whole rest if the crowd is chatting around as suddenly Bob notices Aaron in the corner)
Bob to Marv: \ldblquote Hey Marv, look, Aaron showed up!\rdblquote
Marv: \ldblquote really?\rdblquote
Jess walks by overhearing this and says to Marv and Bob \ldblquote Aarons been here since before the party started\rdblquote and walks off.
Marv and Bob both shrug - Aaron is lost in thought anyway and they return to partying not noticing anything.
Aaron goes home feeling like he's totally misunderstood, and nobody cares.
-------------------------------------------------It s estimated that human beings have about 37,000 emotions\'85emotions? What does that even mean? INTJ s have a hard time being inauthentic. Being inauthentic means communicating things that are not entirely true or realistic. The problem with emotions is that they are generally difficult to define let alone decipher. I don t like to talk about things I can t really understand because I don t really know what I m talking about. If I m trying to communicate things when I don t know what I m talking about, you re going to get a load of crap.
The best way to avoid this problem is to avoid talking about things of which one knows nothing. If there s anything on this planet that s difficult to understand and deal with, it s human beings and their emotions. Crime is usually the result of an irrational and emotional response to some social circumstance. Rage, anger, pity, and everything else that speaks to evil in the world are all the result of emotions.
INTJ s are always about understanding what they re talking about. If they understand an emotional issue, they ll talk about it. If they don t, they will want to rationalize it before they speak. We remain emotionally detached because it gives us a deeper sense of clarity. Detachment, like distance provides the ability to focus and identify the problem in order to develop workable solutions. The INTJ uses their intellect to develop a plan that enables them to deal with emotional issues effectively and usefully to live with their consequences.
None of this is hard for an INTJ to communicate. What s hard is identifying what it is that needs communicating and doing it in a fashion that is understood and effective for use for everyone who is affected.
-------------------------------------------I only communicate emotions that were experienced a long time ago, that have been analyzed and concluded. I don t mind talking about those, given I have a good grasp of it.
However, my current emotions are my business and nobody else s. It s not a question of hard or easy, but a question of \lquote why should I? . I don t see any benefit in conveying how I feel to someone else, if anything it will make me more vulnerable and that s a bad move in any book.
I am mainly referring to negative emotions here, although positive ones I may keep to myself as well. However if someone else is responsible for my positive emotions, I will let them know for the sake of \lquote not being a total jerk . Even then, I will communicate my happiness and not express it. If someone is responsible for my negative ones, I will keep everything inside.
Conveying emotions (apart from the one exception above) isn t productive, doesn t solve anything or make anything better. We tend to be objective by nature, and emotions is everything but.
-----------------------------------------------I don t know what sort of people you met, but from what i know, regardless of the complexity of the emotion, it s not that hard to say: \ldblquote i m upset\rdblquote , \ldblquote i m happy\rdblquote etc.
Now regarding of how much we say it, or rather if we complain about it, you may get closer to the problem.
Every individual has his/her own interest and will complain about something they care about, yet no so much as to make a drama out of it.
Car is broke? Ok, what needs fixing?
I don t mention every minute of the day that the car is broke? Who cares? It s not their problem, it s mine? I have to fix it.
Also to mention, TALKING in general if all possible is to be avoided, especially if there is a problem.
Now when it comes to feelings and emotions, i really don t imagine talking to anyone i don t completely trust and just burst out with emotions and words of intimacy.
Just like women who don t want to bee seen in their underwear, but the bikini is ok, I don t want you to see what s underneath until i want you to.
This is the best analogy i can think of.
---------------------------------------------It is because they do not understand their own emotions. It goes against the INTJs desire to be effective. They do not see the utility in emotions, thus they do not understand them in themselves, and thus find it very hard to communicate with others.
I wrote about INTJs and emotions here. How Do INTJs Deal with Emotions?
---------------------------------I have little interest in telling people how I feel, because so many people spend so much time telling me how they feel and rarely take action based on those feelings or, worse, make horrible decisions based upon them that a casual logical inspection could have avoided.
Emotion is over-rated -- though understanding how to communicate with emotional people is a critical skill for INTJs... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
\f1 \f0 ------------------------------------------\f1 INTJs \emdash maybe more than any other type \emdash put very high value on being professional and successful at what they do. Therefore, they tend to operate in the areas they are most competent and confident about.
The Driver for INTJs is \ldblquote Perspectives.\rdblquote They are naturally deep, thoughtful, and insightful. But this is on an intellectual level. The mind is their playground. They understand how others think (not feel) and depend heavily on that in all their engagements.
The Co-Pilot for INTJs is \ldblquote Effectiveness.\rdblquote Does it work? It is thoughts about utility. Is it useful? These are very important \ldblquote go to\rdblquote values of the INTJ
The Ten Year Old of the INTJ is authenticity. Authenticity is where our emotions can be found. INTJs did not like being seen as a ten year old WHEN they were ten years old, imagine their resistance to it as an adult. They fear emotions and tend to dismiss or stuff them, good and bad.
All the rationals (NTs) have a difficult time with emotions. I think the INTJ has the biggest problem with them because of our practical nature and the fact that every element of the \ldblquote INTJ\rdblquote \emdash Introversion, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging \emdash is very internal and very much \ldblquote in the head.\rdblquote Emotions are a distraction from where the INTJ wants to be, which is in the mind.
Furthermore, INTJs are extremely practical. If something lacks utility, in the mind of the INTJ, it lacks value. It is very difficult for the INTJ to see the utility of emotions.
They say the greatest fear of the INTJ is to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is definitely where our emotions exist. I have learned that I have emotions, regardless if they have \ldblquote utility\rdblquote or not. I also learned that they have power over my life even if I do not acknowledge them. Emotions are always there. As an INTJ, I am mindful about the importance of efficiency and it is more efficient to acknowledge my emotions and to work through them, than pretend they do not exist. But this is difficult. It has taken me a long way to get where I am and I have a very long way to go. INTJs would find their lives more successful and their actions more effective, if they tackled emotions with the same \ldblquote can do\rdblquote attitude they approach other challenges in their lives.
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INTJ PERSONALITY AND EMOTIONS INTJs are defined by their confidence, logic, and exceptional decision-making, but all of this hides a turbulent underbelly \endash their emotions.0 The very notion of emotional expression is synonymous with irrationality and weakness to many INTJs, a display of poor self-governance and fleeting opinion that can hardly stand up to the enduring light of factual truth. 0 T his mistrust of emotions is understandable0 , as Feeling (F) is the most weakly developed trait for INTJs \endash like any complex tool, skilled hands can use it to remarkable effect, while untrained hands make clumsy and dangerous work. 0 People with the INTJ personality type take pride in remaining rational and logical at all times, considering honesty and straightforward information to be paramount to euphemisms and platitudes 0 in almost all circumstances. In many ways though, these qualities of coolness and detachment aren t the weapons of truth that they appear to be, but are instead shields designed to protect the inner emotions that INTJs feel. In fact, because their emotions are such an underdeveloped tool, INTJs often feel them more strongly than many overtly emotional types because they simply haven t learned how to control them effectively. 0 INTJ personality and emotions There Is Not a Truth Existing Which I Fear This is a challenging paradigm for INTJs to manage, especially younger and more Turbulent types who are already less confident than they would like to appear. These feelings are contrary to INTJs idea of themselves as paragons of logic and knowledge, and they may go so far as to claim they have no emotions at all. This does not mean that people with the INTJ personality type should be seen as, nor should they aspire to be, cold-blooded and insensitive geniuses living by the mantra that emotions are for the weak. INTJs must understand that this isn t the case, and isn t ever going to be.
More mature and Assertive INTJs find more useful ways to manage their feelings. While they will never be comfortable with a truly public display of emotions, INTJs can learn to use them, to channel them alongside their logic to help them achieve their goals.0 While seemingly contradictory, this can be done in several ways.
Firstly, INTJs are goal-oriented, with long-term ideas founded on sound logic. When something does cause an emotional reaction, good or bad, that energy can be used to further those goals, aiding rational and pre-determined plans.
0 Secondly, emotions are figurative canaries in the coal mine, indicating that something is off even though logic can t see it yet. These feelings can help INTJs to use their logic to ask questions they may not have thought to ask. "This is upsetting. Why? What can be done to resolve it?" 0 Question With Boldness In this way, emotions are not INTJs way of addressing a decision, but rather an indication that a decision needs to be addressed. INTJ personalities Thinking (T) trait acts as a protective big brother to their Feeling (F) trait \endash seeing that something has upset the less able sibling, it steps in to take action, letting logic do the talking and resolving the condition rather than complaining about its consequences.
There comes a time though, when logic is simply the wrong tool for the job, when there just isn t a rational solution to a problem, and it is in these situations that INTJs must use their Feeling (F) trait most clearly. INTJs would do well to practice this from time to time, or at least be aware of it, because however they may try, it is impossible to truly separate emotion from the decision-making process. The fact is that INTJs do feel, and deeply, and this makes them better, not worse.
6 Things INTJs Wish You Knew About Them (But They Probably Won t Say) by Andre S\f0\'f3\f1 lo INTJ personality won't tell you If you someone with the INTJ personality in your life, there s a lot that they probably wish you knew. But there are also things we might not tell you\emdash especially about our emotional side. As INTJs, we don t like to show emotions0 (in fact, just writing this article was like pulling teeth). But that doesn t mean our emotions never affect us. Here are six things that INTJs wish you knew\emdash but we ll probably never tell you.0 These things may not apply to every INTJ in equal measure, but I believe this list is generally true.
(What s your personality type? We recommend this free personality test.)
What INTJs Wish You Knew
1. We have occasional outbursts, and they re weird.0 For a personality type known as \ldblquote robots,\rdblquote INTJs have a deep emotional core.0 We keep this largely hidden from the world, not as a protective measure but simply because we tend to view feelings as private. Expressing them in public is awkward0 , like forgetting to put on pants.
But those feelings are surprisingly sensitive0 . Your INTJ is likely to come equipped with:
A strong sense of dignity Extremely specific tastes Deep and often misplaced insecurities The constant feeling that we aren t achieving enough A code of morals that we don t talk about unless something violates it An urge to take control in any situation where any of the above are threatened Basically, if you cross a samurai style code of honor with the idealism of Gandhi and then give it imposter syndrome, you have a working model of the INTJ s emotional core. (In personality type theory, this is known as our underdeveloped \ldblquote Introverted Feeling\rdblquote or Authenticity function.)
So what happens when those feelings get stirred up? Usually nothing. Most of the time, we keep that nonsense under tight wraps and deal with it privately or by talking to a trusted friend. But sometimes our emotions come out in a sudden burst that shocks everyone, including ourselves. 0
This usually happens when:
Someone affronts us personally We witness a display of incompetence Something strikes us as fundamentally unjust0 Then we suddenly get indignant, non-cooperative, and even angry. If the situation is beyond our control, we may rant. If it s something we can influence, we rip into it with withering critique. Or we may become stubborn and throw up roadblocks until it s addressed.
Try sitting in a car with three INTJs when another driver cuts them off and you ll see what I mean.
So what can you do about this? Well, ultimately it s on the INTJ to learn how to accept and deal with their emotions (as an INTJ myself, just writing that sounds icky). But, if you witness one of these outbursts, it does help if you realize that this is a very vulnerable moment for your INTJ friend. We probably don t want to talk about it directly, but if you offer to help us with the problem, it goes a long way.
2. There s nothing we appreciate more than someone trusting our advice. 0 INTJs have a weird set of strengths and weaknesses. Our biggest strength is that we can eyeball a problem and almost immediately see a way to make it better, or even solve it outright. Our biggest weakness? Well, often, we re terrible at communication.
0 The result: INTJs can spend our time making great suggestions, or bringing up very accurate insights, only to be told we re wrong. This is not a pleasant feeling. In fact, many INTJs identify with the story of Cassandra, the ancient prophet who was cursed to see the future but never have anyone believe her. It s probably our biggest pain point as human beings.
INTJs can get better at communication, of course\emdash and all the other skills needed to get our ideas out of our notebooks and into the world. But for many of us, nothing feels better than having someone else listen to our advice, take it seriously, and try it out. Fixing problems is what we re best at. When someone notices that and starts to use our advice, it s an almost spiritually fulfilling experience. 0 3. We smile more with emoji than we do with our faces. INTJs have a well-deserved reputation for never smiling. Even when we re happy, we tend to wear a neutral, focused expression (because we re often happiest when we re deep in thought) that others misread as anger. INTJs can and do learn to overcome this, but one look at the kinds of selfies we take is enough to prove the point.
Something funny happens, though, when we start texting or writing an email\emdash suddenly we re all emoji. For most INTJs, this isn t natural either; we all go through a phase of rolling our eyes and griping that people don t use correct punctuation anymore. But what we lack in social graces we more than make up for in our language skills\emdash and emoji are, basically, just another written language. They re basically a way to code emotions. And coding we can handle.
As a result, I find myself very easily switching to the appropriate written tone for whoever I m texting to, and using emoji like I m 17 years old\emdash even though the INTJ grimace is locked on my face in real life.
4. It doesn t make us feel good to be told we re smart. Anyone who knows an INTJ knows we often don t take compliments well. I find this is doubly true when we re praised for our intelligence. Since we re known as masterminds and bookworms, you d think there d be no higher compliment you could give us than to tell us how smart we are. And occasionally it is satisfying\emdash perhaps when a new boss notices it and calls it out. But as INTJs, we probably already know we re smart; we ve been told that all our lives. What we really value is what we do with it.
This is because INTJs don t view intelligence as a static thing (you re either \ldblquote smart\rdblquote or \ldblquote not smart\rdblquote and that s that). We view intelligence as a constant process of learning more about the world. As a result, accomplishing things in the world matters a lot. Achievements in any field are, to us, a measure of applied intelligence. 0 This focus on tangible achievements is why INTJs react so weirdly to compliments: if we re already succeeding at our goals, we basically see praise as superfluous, because we re happy without it. And if we re not succeeding at our goals, being told we re smart actually hurts\emdash it underscores that we had the talent to succeed, so the failure must be our own fault. This is a self-pity loop that mature INTJs grow out of, but we ve just about all experienced it at some point or another.
So, is there any kind of compliment that does make an INTJ s day? Absolutely. With our great strengths comes a long list of weaknesses, especially the social skills mentioned above. Some of us spend years working to improve in these areas, and any praise we get is surprisingly meaningful. A simple, \ldblquote You re really great at handling clients,\rdblquote or \ldblquote I never would have guessed you think of yourself as a nerd; you re always so charming\rdblquote will melt an INTJ s heart. (If it s sincere, of course.)
5. We agree with you more than you think (really). INTJs can be argumentative. But, unlike most people, we don t always argue because we re upset. We argue because we like to test out new ideas.
This can lead to major communication problems. For example, we may argue for something as a hypothetical only to have other people think we really believe it. Or, we might find ourselves in a one-hour discussion that we think is really deep, meaningful talk\emdash but the other person thinks it s a fight. The other day my girlfriend had to stop me in the middle of speculating about the job market and ask, \ldblquote Wait, are you just talking out ideas or are you about to quit your job and move to Nepal?\rdblquote
In polite conversation, this is on us as much as it is anyone else\emdash we simply need to learn to rein in our debating and theorizing, and most of us do so by our mid-20s. But it also means many of us bite our tongues about our most interesting thoughts and ideas because we don t want to upset anyone. This is part of why INTJs seem to \ldblquote check out\rdblquote from conversations: we re running through all the possibilities in our head instead of saying them out loud.
The flip side of this is, once we ve kicked an idea around enough, we often get convinced that you re right. At that point, we will completely drop the argument (or the ruminating) and simply agree with you. But I think we often don t emphasize enough that we really have come around to your way of thinking\emdash that we re on your side. Or, more accurately, that we ve always been on the side of \ldblquote let s find the right answer,\rdblquote and we re proud to know someone like you who helped us find it.
6. Once you re \ldblquote in,\rdblquote we ll back you up for life. INTJs can take a long time to warm up to a new person\emdash perhaps more than other introverts. We often prioritize our work over our personal lives, giving us very little time to meet new friends. And we have high standards, preferring to surround ourselves with a few very interesting, thoughtful people. If you have an INTJ in your life, it may have taken you months or years to get \ldblquote in\rdblquote with them.
But once you are, you re incredibly important to us. Bringing you into our inner circle means we think we can learn from you. It means that you stand out to us from all the other people we meet, and that we want to give you our respect, our affection, and our time. As a result, you ll find that we re patient, tolerant, and willing to stand by you even when other people would judge you. And, of course, we ll offer way too much advice.
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INTJ - IMPERFECT ROBOT INTJ – Door Slam, Irritation & Anger Posted on January 31, 2017 by geomeungoyangi66
I’m surprised that not a lot of articles have touched, or covered the INTJ door slam and the INTJ anger in their varying stages with depth – actually, maybe not THAT surprised, after all, it isn’t that common that you’d see an INTJ angry when they have reached a level of self-control.
Yes, most (not all) young INTJs tend to exhibit anger tendencies because they didn’t differentiate the emotions anger and irritation properly. It doesn’t help that anger in general is an easy emotion to feel and act upon as anger is quick, straightforward and focused – when young, it’s one of our ‘go-to’ emotions whenever we cannot express ourselves properly.
***Side story: In my teens, I had to REALLY differentiate the two emotions as my frustrations bordered on anger (inside my head), so much so that I made a habit of asking myself “am I just annoyed or am I angry, am I being unreasonable” whenever a person or the given scenario makes me face-palm HARD.***
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Thankfully, upon self-discovery, maturation and growth, you’ll find that majority of INTJs are reserved, laid back in demeanor and in control of their emotions (we dislike others to control our moods), plus, we don’t generally get emotionally invested enough to credit such a strong hateful reaction anymore.
That’s not to say that the anger and door slam doesn’t happen. Lets’ differentiate the two out of intrigue as I’m sure you’ll like to know what an angry INTJ look like or know when you experience or witness an INTJ door slam.
First off! The INTJ door slam is mainly associated with erasing people, however, there’s another kind that not many people come across – or maybe the door slam just looks like everyday irritated grumbling and mumbling of the INTJ. You’d be interested to know that there are two door slams: the door slam and the everyday irritation that potentially forms a different kind of doorslam effect (explained later) – both are different but with the same goal in mind.
For the INTJ door slam; simply, it’s when an INTJ knocks you out with as few words as they possibly can (not a physical literal door slam hahaha~). I’ve personally chosen the door slam as the bitch slap is less traumatic for the person receiving it – since the end results often lets the opposition explain themselves or to fight back. We INTJs don’t want that, no, the INTJ door slam is necessary to SHUT YOU DOWN. Permanently (well, for the next hours or so). The effect here is that there is a certain finality to the door slam that makes it different to our everyday irritated mumbling and minor door slams – this particular door slam just shuts people up and if you say another word…well, we’ll either just give you our death stare whilst envisioning you slowly dying in our heads, or, we just door slam you again; usually, the first door slam will work well because everyone will have felt the deathly vibe radiating from us – it’ll take a really REALLY clueless individual to retort back.
As said, there’s a finality to it, it isn’t a “how can we fix this” or, “let’s discuss it” type of thing; in our minds, it’s more of a, “lets’ not waste each others time, I’m done with this, let’s go our separate ways, goodbye” kind of connotation. May we never see each other again :)
Hmmms okay, the INTJ shutdown sounds better than the INTJ door slam. Lets’ go with this phrase for the rest of the post.
Now I’m not claiming that the shutdown is solely an INTJ thing at all as everyone is very much capable of this – I’m just explaining our version.
So, how do we utilize the shutdown? As indicated above, we will, at most use one word or one sentence to mute you. We will be very short, brash, harsh and direct with our answers or responses. Interestingly enough, the INTJ shutdown happens when we have not invested emotion into someone, basically, 95% of the time it is impersonal, so yes, strangers are screwed if they do the following:
Probing into our business and getting all up in our grill when we don’t know each other like that yet. anigif_enhanced-buzz-1362-1386292578-0
When we are in a situation that we cannot control and you are being immensely and incessantly irritating. When you mistreat our closest near and dearest with unjustified malice. When you ‘crossed the line’ – which is actually hard to do as healthy INTJs are very tolerable – of course there will be exceptions though. When you refuse to see and acknowledge the fact of the situation that is SO clearly in front of us. When you misplace your anger and frustration on us and you refuse to see the facts. anigif_enhanced-buzz-28912-1386299393-3
Abusive use of power. Keep continuously initiating conversation or interrupting our time of ‘not wanting to talk’ (over-stimulation). Of course, even when we are close to someone, as soon as we put our heart and emotions on lock down then you are equally as screwed, if not, even more screwed as we won’t hold back – also, we have a portfolio of your personality in our heads to cause you more damage when needs be. Don’t worry though, we only use it once in a blue moon, or not at all depending on the circumstances etc.
Seriously, the shutdown will be initiated if we don’t want to deal with you anymore – interestingly, there will be no aggression or anger, it’s more of a grey area between the fine line that is irritation and anger – whatever the emotion in between is (which is similar to the emotion when we erase someone)…we are beyond resentment at this point and we just want you away from us; permanently and with immediate effect, we will just move to another room or keep our distance from you.
***Side story: one time during my job answering the telephone, I encountered a particularly angry customer that didn’t take a single breath between every profanity that left her lethal tongue (quite an art form actually). My mum came out to see what’s up only to have me turn to her and suddenly I strangely felt my synapse crackle throughout my body (interesting feeling, never felt it before). Needless to say, I told her to take the damn phone or.I.will.kill.someone.***
With the INTJ shutdown, no second chances are given (if we can help it) as the shutdown comes on the spot with no premeditation – we are critical when triggered. Our voice is clear, unyielding and strong; funnily enough, you’d most likely see why we can be a boss/ leader especially in this moment as we summon this demonic aura that seems like our double-bladed wielding soul is going to slice and dice you in 0.00 seconds. The force is scary and highly uncontrollable.
***Side story: I got asked if I was from a triad before because I said the word “NO” so loudly and harshly that made the commotion around me stop – yes, I was providing a solution to a problem whereas a few other people was trying to solve a problem by thinking out of their a$$ whilst talking on top of each other. The noise and the stupidity was unreal. It was definitely a ‘proud’ mic-drop moment.***
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#triggered
As stated though, the INTJ shutdown does not happen frequently as we’ll most likely just walk away or ignore the annoyances since we very likely couldn’t care less about you. Plus, in general, we INTJs are pretty much irritated and annoyed by society and people everyday anyways so again, do bare in mind that the INTJ shutdown and our everyday irritation is a different thing.
The INTJ annoyed and irritated ‘mood’ also come about when we are not emotionally invested – which is everyday unless we are feeling super duper for some reason…*kicks body bag over the hill*.
Ahem, anyways, we don’t tend to do anything when we are irritated and annoyed, except for when we really have to voice ourselves then sarcasm will come into effect. Yes, when annoyed, sarcasm is our weapon of choice; if we have had enough then the shutdown reaction is our weapon.
Which brings us to shutdown number two!
This shutdown is a little different, whereas before, the shutdown was not premeditated and is more of a spontaneous on the spot rip you to shreds kind or thing; for this shutdown, a prolonged irritation is the driving force. This shutdown is much more organized (as in we have seethed in our heads for ages by now). It’s important to realize that for some INTJs, it is hard for them to voice their dissatisfaction towards you adamantly if they are feeling mistreated – although we’ll attempt to subtly show you our dislike of whatever it is via humor, sarcasm or our quietness.
Our irritation is prolonged because we’ll try to see things from your perspective and then reason with how you perceive things in an attempt to understand you better. In a way, we subconsciously convince ourselves to give you multiple amount of chances to make us not snap and go crazy on you.
So having said the above, INTJs are annoyed and irritated 95% of the time…in general, people are just annoying.
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You’ll find that some INTJs adopt the perspective, “what I want the most when I am angry is a reason not to be angry” – which helps us control ourselves and to dismiss any anger that could potentially cloud our judgement. If whatever can be reasoned with or explained or that something done was not intentionally done with malice aforethought then that’s good to know. If you explained your intentions were to accomplish something and your course of action made sense and that your action was less negative than it appears to be and we just overreacted or over-analyzed the situation then that’s awesome. In reality, we just want to understand what your intentions are and why you are doing certain things – do help us to see that you are not malicious as you appeared to be.
Gladly, most of INTJs logic will be much stronger than their anger; this allows us to temporarily ‘paralyze’ ourselves from doing anything we’ll regret.
On the contrary, when our perception of you or the circumstance is accurate then this gives us permission to feel a sense of rightful anger…which we then just need to wait for it to subside; we’ll make plans to avoid you or the situation for the duration of the anger – here, we turn to solitude. If however the situation (in a public setting) doesn’t allow us to squirrel ourselves away then the death stare will be activated; you’d be glad to know that healthy INTJs are very aware of what is happening and tend to not make any snap decisions when crazy angry (more on this type of anger later).
When an INTJ is healthy, shutdowns rarely happens and instead, we’ll adopt the “lets’ talk it out” route. We’ll come to realize that communication is so so SO important when irritated, however, the communication style will be different; for example, if we are in a relationship and is going through a rough patch, our communication or ‘self-help’ session becomes more professional and concise (straight to the point). Other than this, like everyone when annoyed, we too don’t ask how your day went or open ourselves up to you – just keeping it real and professional until we solve whatever it is.
Regardless of the relationship, friend or family status, you’ll want to use this chance to discuss things, to get yours and our points across especially if we feel that you are not hearing or understanding us correctly or that we are not understanding you correctly. It’s not so much that we want your respect, it’s more like we WANT you to understand where we are at and where we are coming from and what the fact of the matter is and vice versa; basically, this discussion session is purely practical and serious to allow clarity for both parties.
When this irritated shutdown gets this serious or is initiated, it means that we have deemed whatever you are continuously doing must be stopped – when something is extremely important enough to actually make us feel the need to stop you or point out your bull-crap then we’ll do it. If it is the right thing to do, along the way, we’ll internally and externally highlight specific reasons as to why we feel this way. Don’t worry, we’ll catalogue everything and give it to you in full detail (note undetectable sarcasm), so you may want to pick up on our sarcasms and silences in the near future as sometimes they have more meaning behind them than you know.
Thankfully, even with this type of irritation that causes us to snap, we don’t hold grudges, if we do then that means you screwed up BIG TIME, consistently and immorally whereby we just erase you – welcome to eternal condemnation. For most diluted and general cases though, our annoyances about you don’t last long even if our resting b*tch face says otherwise.
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Now onto the INTJ anger; there is 2 distinct types of anger: the hot anger and the ice-cold anger (which will be explained in a little bit).
Now, anger is great when you can control it by directing the force towards a positive angle, but we already covered that; so what does it look like when an INTJ loose their sh*ts?
Pretty damn awful. Awful for you (because you are about to die) and for us (because we can’t control ourselves).
Once our irritation crosses a certain uncontrollable line/ threshold then we’ll ‘happily’ go with the flow. Sshhhh it’s okay, you’ll be fine as long as you co-operate by shutting up as any attempt to resist or argue back will be categorically met with our intentional motivation to argue with you until you tire out and regret your decisions. Yes, we will have enough factual and logical ammunition and angry drive that does not give out quickly. If you are thinking, “I’ll be safe because the INTJs that I know have a more developed ‘F’ which means that they value harmony so I’m safe”…nah, once triggered, they don’t give a crap about your feelings either.
Now lets’ talk about anger type number one:
The Hot anger type comes about when you violate our values:
This is the type of rage anger that most people have and can freely express whenever they are angered by trivial or personal reasons etc. For us, this hot anger is triggered for specific reasons, FACTUAL reasons. Our emotions are not generally invested into you, instead, we are angry at what you did; for example:
Putting someones’ life in danger (especially if this someone is close to us). Intentionally hurting us by hurting something or someone we hold dear. Unsolicited invasion into our personal life. Consistent injustice. Digging up some form of traumatizing past. Intentionally hurting us for your amusement. Basically, this anger only happens if you did something deeply wrong that goes beyond all common sense and that the act is directly linked or is done directly to inflict pain on us.
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This anger is definitely not were we can look at the situation from all perspectives with rational thoughts whereby we rage in our heads silently like we normally do; also, we don’t play out the scenario in our heads as to how we got to this emotion (what made it happen) like we used to do. If anything when this anger flares up in the moment, all our perspectives just fly out the window because the fact of the matter is, you are an a$$hole.
Make no qualms, we ARE attacking you as a person, but after we attack the FACTS of the problem first – e.g what you did etc. The burying you part is when we then attack your moral character.
As you have seen, we won’t hold back, our wrath of fully-fledged anger will all come out at once purely based on the present scenario. Our surface fury is a contortion of “wtf did you say/ do and are you stupid?!”. From then on, nobody will get a word in edgeways because we are angrily vomiting truthful verbal diarrhea.
Yes! This anger is purely based on facts and logic of the present moment, only very shortly after will we turn to all the nasty stuff you did in the past – all neatly compiled and locked away in our mind for when this day comes whereby you wrong us immensely by hurting another to get to us…or that your mockery have intensified beyond bearable, justifiable and moral. With this, we use the accurate accumulated facts and data to tear you down to prove how shady you are and what you did was completely and utterly wrong. Whether the anger was pending or not, a lists of your immoral factual acts will be listed in our minds beforehand, e.g what you’ve done wrong, stupid choices you’ve made, your character flaws etc. So if you are hurt, good, it’s intentional, we want you to burn.
***side story: I came back from college one day only to find that my dick of an uncle let my newly bought chinchilla loose with their over curious west highland terrier (known as a hunting dog) scouring the premises for my poor baby. I went berserk, it was an actual life or death situation. Thankfully, my talented little guy knows how to climb up walls and so he was behind the TV that was on top of a drawing cupboard. I was so mad at this so-called uncles’ action and the fact that my new chinchilla was very frightened; my chinchilla and I built a bond and I thought it was shattered due to someones’ else moronic action to upset me for fun.***
With logic in mind, it is one reason why INTJs feel so much more strongly about justice than mercy – we have a strong righteous anger that will fuel our justification for burning you. Again, no emotion will be present no matter who you are, we simply bypass our emotional connections with you and throw away the sensitive talk (not that we naturally do sensitive/ emotional talk to begin with).
We’re fine after this anger is released. There is however, two outcomes though:
1) More often than not, when it gets’ to this stage of anger where the respect or trust is annihilated then we will most likely nuke that bridge of memories that we built (or haven’t built) together. Your existence from this point on will never matter. The biggest reason to get rid of you is due to the things that you did to make us erupt, despite this, what you did is not the only reason we want to get rid of you; 5-10% of this final decision is because we regret showing you our vulnerable side via the raging outburst. We don’t care about you hurting, we just didn’t want to show our weakness because we are normally so well composed – so upon releasing our crazy, it’s not our proudest moments and we don’t need a reminder.
It’s ironic to say but, most INTJs that erase people don’t hold a grudge, again, it’s beyond resentment and no emotion is to follow after that. The sooner we get rid of you the sooner we can forget about you and move on.
2) Only a very few can make us willing to reconcile but it is very rare, this is where our emotions will come into play. If and when we feel guilty for hurting you afterwards then these are the little moments where we can and want to reconcile with you; to rectify the sudden imbalance. These are the moments where we feel disappointed in ourselves for how we teared you down so brutally; although there won’t be an apology, we’ll instead, do something for you to say sorry – make or buy you food, attempt to make you smile again, give you our puppy-dog eyes topped off with a pout (maybe not the pout). Whatever we do to say sorry, it will be practical in order to say that we didn’t mean to hurt you – we just needed to express how bad you were becoming. It was necessary to shake you up (in return, we also hurt ourselves, afterwards, when shaking you up).
Anger type number two: behold, the silent treatment:
The ice-cold freeze out comes about when you violate our character:
You can can hurt our feelings without violating our values – but you can only hurt us like this if we care about you and respect you enough. We only react this way when we care a lot whereby all of our emotions will be spinning inside of us.
When you hurt or offend our character then we’ll tense up and freeze you out – by falling silent and hiding ourselves away under our rock…or upgrade to the high life that is the park bench. We try not to show our anger, so in order to contain these negative feels, we find ourselves feeding into our introversion even more in order to avoid people – in a way, we smother the anger and hurt to protect ourselves and to get over it. Here, we will be even more cold and unemotional and we will block every form of communication that you attempt and just ignore you; also, it is hard to express ourselves in this moment so we just go quiet. It’s for the best, in our mind.
Yes, we’ll sulk and sometimes even silently seethe about it because we are so upset at you attacking our character; however, in most cases, we are so numbed by your attack that anger isn’t even present, if anything, we are disappointed in you and we are questioning everything. It’ll sound dramatic but if you can envision and feel the world crumbling around you then that’s close enough to how we are feeling.
So, we’ll sulk or brood for hours, days or even weeks – you will definitely notice that our hot outburst doesn’t last long whereas this ice-cold treatment will last for ages.During our sulking, we will internalize and analyze the said offenses and situation on a deeper level by debating and counter-attacking the offense in our head; such as thinking about what it may be like to tell you how we feel etc.
There’s a danger with this type of coping mechanism though as there will be moments whereby we physically want and can hurt someone intentionally or at least cause ourselves actual pain to help us relay our thoughts somewhere else – punching a wall or something may help us calm down. It’s like we are being stupid-rational, using psychology and science to direct our darkness and focus somewhere else.
The aftermath of this type of anger is pretty much the same as the hot anger, except we don’t feel the guilt or the need to erase you due to feeling like we have exposed our vulnerability. Instead, we erase you with a cold and dulled vengeful anger; with the exception that if this person comes back then a second chance may be viable (thanks to the somewhat still existing emotional connection). This doesn’t happen often though because it’s actually very hard to cut someone we like out of our life permanently – especially when that someone was close to us (like conjoined twins close). So erasing you then giving you a second chance THEN possibly erasing you again (if there is a reason) or connecting with you again will take a toll on our emotions and sanity.
INTJs in general really don’t express anything worse than frustration because it just takes more to push us over the edge into reacting aggressively than most people; with the exception of unhealthy INTJs that are in the throes of depression, stress, inexperience with their complex minds etc.
A reason why most INTJs dislike people is because people are the Achilles heel of the INTJ, irrational people, nasty people and immoral people are the few things that can make us become irrational.
Ideally, the best thing to do is to explain and communicate the problem across early on before the frustration and tension builds up, even though it may be hard, you just have to say it or at least convey the problem across somehow – even if you were to hint at the problem. Another option is to ask for some space and alone time for when you need to get over it.
If you do find that we freeze you out then all you have to do is:
respect our space and alone time don’t talk to us However, if you really REALLY care then…get us something to eat by leaving the food outside our cave whilst we ponder over things in our solitude – you know we’ll be in there for awhile. This action shows us that you care about us and our health and that you understand and respect our need for personal space – if you yourself are equally as annoyed with us but still managed to carry out this act then props to you. You smooth devil you.
With my loved ones, I just go to cold numbing self-destructing anger and erase the person. I have less and less energy and time to endure people.
It sounds dramatic, but INTJs score 0 when it comes to managing emotions of others. I can only comment on my side, but the thing that made me flip a switch is the over-emotionality of the person I had in front of me (Fi-Dom, most likely an INFP in a late-life crisis). That person kept hammering his “emotions”, “feelings”, expecting me to just arrest my existence and stay put to his emotional whims.
Emotional people just don’t gel well with INTJ, especially when they keep pressuring their one-sided agenda onto INTJs. I have to say, it feels like a violation of who we are, because our plans/projects are the iron core of our existence. So, when I had to make a choice between: 1. some person I’ve known for years who is demanding that I change my life around to focus solely on him 2. the goal that I’ve pursued since I was 10 years old well, there wasn’t even a choice.
There are plenty of women in this world eager to play the mummy-girlfriend, I’m sure he will find someone else to fill in his feelings void in the long run. As an INTJ, I cannot possibly partner with someone who is unable to look at the big picture in a situation and understand that some decisions have to be made in order to reach more stable/more harmonious grounds. Whining, nagging and whinging are the bane of an INTJ, because they are subtle ways to avoid making very much needed decisions/choices. All in all, it’s just a question of basic compatibility of temperament in the end.
I have had multiple opportunities to touch base with him, and I did not do it. It did not occur to me naturally to patch things up. This to me is the biggest indicator that I see no more future with this person, otherwise I would have taken actions to liaise again.
As for me, I DON’T want to be acquainted with people who cant asked to self-reflect, express their opinion and have consideration for others, regardless of whether they are “hurt”, “stressed” or God-knows-what. That shows that they have acceptance/tolerance issues, a big obstacle to healthy relationships. I trust my (wobbly but firm) Fi on this matter. Pain will pass, but I learn and I grow.
--------------------- Verbally asking an INTJ ‘feelings’ based question will catch them off-guard and you will get a half-baked answer. INTJ express themselves better through writing/texts, especially in regards something as ambiguous as ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions’ - double especially because they are so detached from them in general.
‘How do I enrich your life?’ is a very deep and meaningful question. Had it been some other ‘deep and meaningful’ question - the INTJ would have simply not replied until they have come up with the perfect answer (perfect meaning most accurate). They want the right words, they want to describe their thoughts as accurately as possible. This may take a few hours, sometimes days.
But hey… how would one feel if an ‘emotion’ based question comes hours/days late from a person that would otherwise reply instantaneously? They would make the assumption that their important question wasn’t a high enough priority for the INTJ to reply right away - whereas in fact the INTJ had been pounding that question to come up with the perfect answer.
‘Oh boy’ is him saying - ‘I acknowledge the question, and I will be coming up with answer’ instead of just giving you the silent treatment until he comes up with an answer. Is delaying a text an INTJ thing? Absolutely. Do we open up about feelings? No. Do we open up about feelings when our significant other ask us about them? Yes, but it doesn’t come naturally - we’ll need to ‘think’ first.
Anyway, since you asked him that question - he has most likely come up with the answer. I am 99% sure he has the answer to your question EVEN THOUGH you told him to forget about it. Ask him again - maybe even verbally this time, he won’t need much time to form his answer because he most likely has it by now.
‘Hey remember that text I sent you the other day, I am genuinely curious what your answer is’ —— and hopefully you come back to share your finding.
can understand this very well . The only time when I can really understand my emotions and feelings is when I'm by myself, trying to make sense out of them. Most people say that you shouldn't try to make sense out of them, that you should just feel it within you and act upon that. However, I find that very foreign, and dangerous. I must know what I'm feeling, and why I'm feeling it, and as a result, it probably doesn't come out as natural and pure as those who do, since those feelings have now been refined by my own understanding by my own process.
To tell you the truth, anger is the only emotion I can detect very quickly. All the other emotions (joy, pride, happiness, boredom, resentment), those take a long time before I can categorize them as such. I've had to read lots of books and internet research to identify the physiological process that occur for each emotion, and that has been a major way that I could identify them. For the most part, you can say that I'm feeling neutral, I don't react to things or situations. I just take those situations, regardless if they're good or bad, as it is. I don't try to judge it.
This leads to the social effect this has had on me for years. Family and friends expect me to react in some way when they tell me something. When they have gossip, they want me to react surprised, indignant or agreeing with their views when in fact, I just feel "meh", and this usually makes them upset and confused. I don't like reacting because 1.) I don't feel anything at that time to react accordingly, and 2.) I feel like I'm playing their game; being emotionally manipulated which is one of the things I most hate that people do to me. I react my way, and in my time, not theirs.
Of course, over the time I've shown compassion and felt closeness when people do need it. I'm much better to share their pain and suffering through being there with them, and trying to do as much as possible to help them get through it. I still don't react or feel much, but I can at least understand what they're going through which has helped me understand feelings and emotions. You have to accept them that they are a part of you, a condition that you must negotiate with that feeling side -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“How do I stay connected with my emotions and not detach when it is important to do so "
Type 5s are in the Thinking Triad and identify powerfully with; “A sense of being a detached, outside observer of the world – not part of it. They resist recognizing physical presence and state, feelings and needs, from the book “The Wisdom of the Enneagram”.
All respondents shared that this was an ability that came after conscious choice and life experience; that cultivating awareness was a first step in making any shift to what the natural inner patterns are. In the book mentioned above, Riso & Hudson identify the power of the Enneagram to help us let go of the limiting mechanisms of the personality so that we can more deeply experience who and what we really are. Growth and change always are preceded by awareness. We typically are moved to make change when we experience a level of discomfort in the results that our natural learned responses to life are bringing.
So here are few responses this question elicited.
1. I do disconnect in order to protect my ego. When emotions surface, I could get defensive or I couldn’t find my way out. The emotions initially stopped my thinking! This was an evolution, a decision to not be immobilized by my emotions, to invite a sense of curiosity in. To relax into it or surrender to worrying what people will think. To stay in my body and stay focused on the ultimate desire or outcome. To bring clarity of purpose to what my partners in relationship need from me. To invite a level of honesty in – hiding and withholding have been life long patterns. I had to find a safe environment to explore then remind myself that “We’re all bozos on this bus of life. View it as a growth not a limitation…like the bud before it becomes a leaf. My ultimate desire – looking for peace and joy.
2. Some strategies learned are – breathing to ground in the body, nature, animals, being a mom helped to open up the emotional experience. When sharing someone’s story – try to engage in the bigger picture. Noticing some personalities are more difficult to allow emotional connection and realizing this presents a learning opportunity for her. Above all – it must feel safe or there must be a strong realization that someone will benefit from the sharing of her emotions.
3. Thought provoking question that I have often pondered.
The answer for me is to avoid isolation. The more isolated I allow myself to be, the more comfortable I become with that disconnection. I often force myself into social situations i.e: church, social invitations, to ensure I stay connected with people. Once I make that effort to be with people, I feel so much more alive and more open to emotional interactions and in depth communication!
Isolation also affects my relationship with my partner, possibly because he likes to disconnect but for healthier reasons. He “allows” me to disconnect and that affects our emotional connection. I always force myself to say “yes” whenever we have opportunities to get out into the world together and interact with people. The more social events we participate in help me stay excited about our relationship and life. It is a constant battle for me because I am more suited to rural vs subdivision living. Living in the country as we do allows me to disconnect very easily.
Exercise also keeps me more emotionally connected. I exercised alone for many, many years and that wasn’t helpful. I could go and not talk to anyone…got the exercise but not the needed social interaction. Regular walking with a friend makes me want to stay connected with the world. Once I figured this out, I noticed I am able to stay happier, more energized, balanced and positive about my life and relationships.
4. My first thought was “I’m always connected to my emotional side, I just don’t show it very well sometimes”. But I might be kidding myself; maybe sometimes the connection is just not there. I like to think that that’s not true. Then I thought maybe it’s not the same for everyone, and maybe some of us do actually drift away. They see it, but don’t know what to do to stop or correct it.
That brings me to a couple of places, possibly strategies (I’m not sure I like that word, because to me it means consciously acknowledging a weakness, usually keeping it to yourself -a 5 characteristic- and developing actions that hide the weakness from others).
One would be: consciously try to understand the impact on others (i.e. partner or friends). Example. You ask me to look at possible excursions on a vacation. I’m giving my time to do that, so of course that (should) show that I care. However, you asked me, which implies you see me in my own world and need to ask me rather than wait for me to realize it on my own. Or viewed another way, you always have to ask me because I don’t think about it first, or offer, so that fosters the “illusion” that I’m not emotionally connected and probably causes some frustration. It becomes important for a 5 to actually consciously look up and realize when that is happening, and how often: shopping, visiting friends, inviting friends, going out for dinner, picking a movie.
So first is recognition, and then second is action. I’m trying to do this more. Be proactive. Ask first. Offer your time before it is asked for. I’m learning that the “points” you get for doing that are disproportionately huge compared to the alternative. You’re probably going to do it anyway, especially if it’s important, so which is better? a grateful/relieved partner because you initiated, or you grumbling and your partner being frustrated and feeling guilty because they imposed on your time.
I’m not sure how relevant this is but does connect a bit with my action point above. My wife and I do have a couple of common TV interests, which will have us sitting together for an hour now and then watching and sharing. That goes away when the “season” is over. However, in those dry times, both of us (including me, the 5) are making a bit more effort to identify opportunities to replace that show with something we might not normally watch, to allow us to continue to share time.
These few responses incorporate a number of other common points that came up with an extended list. It represents a male and female perspective.
Common Points:
Recognition that there is a challenge within relationships that matters to you. Create awareness – “catching ourselves in the act” of what path our personality tends to follow. When we can experience our current state completely without judgment, the old patterns will begin to fall away. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Identify the parameters that work for you in exploring more emotional connection. Get in touch with your body through breath, movement, noticing exercises, or physical contact with another person, animals or nature. Find clarity on the positive outcome that change will bring for you. Realize that the investment of your time and energy will bring you what you are ultimately looking for. We all have our growing edge to discover, explore and work with AND we all have a connection to the Type 5 nature within us. I am grateful for the sharing and know that my experience has been expanded for the exercise. I hope you find the same.
