Why do INTJ's find it so hard to communicate their emotions.. in the same way the other 98% of the population does?
Emotions.. I have such a hard time making sense of the constant requirement of humanity to know such things and be so keenly tuned in to constantly expressing, and sharing, and communicating what should be so easy and obvious to discern just by picking up the clues.
If somebody comes inside after shovelling snow for an hour and they are shivering.. chances are, you know they are cold, and you know it is cold outside. But, 98% of the population will say something like.. “oh you must be cold!” Beach volleyball season ended months ago.
And, that is pretty much my perspective on emotions. I take clues and hints, mold them into an issue to resolve and fix what needs to be repaired, find a compromise, or accept things as being what they are.
Emotions are an internal process. Crunching feelings or provoked reactions into nuggets of perception and figuring out ways to rationalize it all. Rather than share my feelings, I give hints and clues. I am a very soft spoken, mild mannered, simple and consistent person. I don’t get excited about many things. Am I acting differently? Well, what could be the reason? All the puzzle pieces are in plain sight. Put them together? No hidden agenda or manipulation here. Petty games that I don't care to indulge.
Yes. I realize that such intuition and deductive reasoning abilities do not come as naturally to nearly all of the other MBTI types. In a personal sense, if somebody can not only realize that something is bothering me, but also figure out the reason why?.. I know that person is somebody who should matter to me. Anything less would be a sign of incompatibility. Yes. As annoying as it may be, emotions become one of my many ways of testing the charachter of a person. I am not going to fake it for approval.
I don't want to hear or say the words. I want to see the actions and effort, and I want for my actions and effort to be noticed. When something is different, something is wrong. People who are complacent or compulsively share every morsel of their emotions tend to not value the purpose or value of emotions.
As a personal example, I can't be in a relationship with somebody who needs to hear the words “I love you” constantly. It just oozes insecurity to me? The need for validation. Words are just words. Show me something tangible, just like I do for them.
Rather than verbally communicate my emotions, I think of physical ways to express them. If I am distancing myself from anybody or anything, I am reviewing all of the hints, comparing them to previous lessons learned, and contemplating ways for how to best handle the situation. Other than to gain insight, exhaustively talking about every little detail serves no purpose. If things are going well, that will also be obvious. I will be devoted, dedicated, and determined to continue forward with the positive momentum. It will be easy to read my emotional state.
Just like asking somebody who walked in from a blizzard, if they are shivering because they are cold.
There is no super secret INTJ playbook. Nothing to gain by overthinking any of it. Nothing to gain by pressuring for the words I haven't figured out how to communicate. The clues are in what you see. (Or what you don't).
Mature INTJs are not emotionally compromised in any way. They just tend to express them differently. Rather than have conversations about feelings or emotions, there will be a noticable shift in behavior to accommodate the change in perspective.
We skip the redundancy of asking if the shivering person is cold, or blaming them for not dressing well enough, and jump straight to the part of handing them a warm blanket. Actions, not words. Efficiency.
-------------------------------answers-----------------------------
Because the INTJ doesn’t really have emotions, not the way other people do. How can they communicate something that they rarely understand? Most of the time, the INTJ communicates emotions through what other people have done to them. They are the consummate victims that have a perfectly logical reason for why they let other people screw them over. In personal relationships, the INTJ looks for the broken person to make better. Rarely will you see an INTJ attracted to someone who has all their shit together. How much worse for the INTJ who is plagued with self-doubt and incorrect assumptions to be with someone who doesn’t need their help and has no self-doubt. Lastly, the INTJ will hold everything on the inside because they are not sure whether what they feel is accurate or even exists. During this depersonalization of self, the INTJ can experience the most growth or the most “turtling”. “My shell is safe and no one appreciates my uniqueness. I will take my toy and shell and go to another beach.” The alternative is to burst out of their shell and have an epiphany of sorts. And, that my friends, is like watching the Phoenix be reborn. In the highest function, you will never want for a better friend than the mature, self-aware INTJ. They can be magnificent.
----------------------------------------------
I don't find it hard. If given time and space and allowed to do it on my terms, I can communicate my emotions clearly and concisely, I don't see the need to communicate about my feelings unless they are relevant to the situation. I might tell my husband that I'm feeling sad and shaky because it's the anniversary of our daughter's MET call, resuscitation and heart surgery so he understands why I'm a bit quiet and withdrawn and support me. The conversation would take less than five minutes and may end with a hug (GASP INTJ's hug!! Selectively.). If I was at a scout event for my kids standing around with a group of other Mums I just wouldn't go into it. If I was having trouble coping, I'd quietly remove myself or suck it up. I would not bare my soul because it's not their business and it's not at all relevant to the event, and why should I make a spectacle of myself when people were there for their kids?
By contrast an EFSP woman I know has shown up at a funeral and had a domestic with her husband because SHE felt angry. cried loudly and publicly in the middle of someone else's party because SHE felt sad, laughed when a friend was upset and glibly kept trying to cheer them up after being asked to stop because she felt happy. While we all knew what she was feeling, I don't think her communications about her feelings were effective or respectful. Expressing her fellings she can do, control or discuss not so much.
I am not saying that all ESFP's are like this woman and not all INTJ's are like me. What I am saying is you can't generalise NT=bad at feelings and SF=good at feelings. We are more complex and nuanced creatures than that.
I don't enjoy sitting around talking about feelings and find people who want me to share my inner feelings with them invasive and annoying. I feel things intensely, but I only share with people who I trust. When my daughter was very ill people wanted me to cry with them and were sometimes upset that I did not, thinking that I was unfeeling or not in touch with my feelings. As I said to our care manager though, my heart was broken into a thousand pieces, but I could not fall apart because I was not certain I could put myself back together - and my daughter needed me. I could talk about how I was feeling quite easily. I just could not be the weeping mess they wanted me to be.
I feel it all the feelings. If it's relevant and necessary I can talk about them. What I can't and won't do is be controlled by emotional outbursts.
-----------------------------------------------
INTJ’s need km to know things. Half the time when we're embroiled in something such that our emotions are getting the better of us, we don't know what we're feeling.
Is this jealosy? Is this rage or just anger? Wait I'm crying this must be sadness! But I'm not depressed. (3 hours later)… furstration! IF it wasn't before it is now because nobody did jack crap or even noticed that I was so hurt by that sitiation.
(Meanwhile the whole rest if the crowd is chatting around as suddenly Bob notices Aaron in the corner)
Bob to Marv: “Hey Marv, look, Aaron showed up!”
Marv: “really?”
Jess walks by overhearing this and says to Marv and Bob “Aarons been here since before the party started” and walks off.
Marv and Bob both shrug - Aaron is lost in thought anyway and they return to partying not noticing anything.
Aaron goes home feeling like he's totally misunderstood, and nobody cares.
-------------------------------------------------
It’s estimated that human beings have about 37,000 emotions…emotions? What does that even mean? INTJ’s have a hard time being inauthentic. Being inauthentic means communicating things that are not entirely true or realistic. The problem with emotions is that they are generally difficult to define let alone decipher. I don’t like to talk about things I can’t really understand because I don’t really know what I’m talking about. If I’m trying to communicate things when I don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re going to get a load of crap.
The best way to avoid this problem is to avoid talking about things of which one knows nothing. If there’s anything on this planet that’s difficult to understand and deal with, it’s human beings and their emotions. Crime is usually the result of an irrational and emotional response to some social circumstance. Rage, anger, pity, and everything else that speaks to evil in the world are all the result of emotions.
INTJ’s are always about understanding what they’re talking about. If they understand an emotional issue, they’ll talk about it. If they don’t, they will want to rationalize it before they speak. We remain emotionally detached because it gives us a deeper sense of clarity. Detachment, like distance provides the ability to focus and identify the problem in order to develop workable solutions. The INTJ uses their intellect to develop a plan that enables them to deal with emotional issues effectively and usefully to live with their consequences.
None of this is hard for an INTJ to communicate. What’s hard is identifying what it is that needs communicating and doing it in a fashion that is understood and effective for use for everyone who is affected.
-------------------------------------------
I only communicate emotions that were experienced a long time ago, that have been analyzed and concluded. I don’t mind talking about those, given I have a good grasp of it.
However, my current emotions are my business and nobody else’s. It’s not a question of hard or easy, but a question of ‘why should I?’. I don’t see any benefit in conveying how I feel to someone else, if anything it will make me more vulnerable and that’s a bad move in any book.
I am mainly referring to negative emotions here, although positive ones I may keep to myself as well. However if someone else is responsible for my positive emotions, I will let them know for the sake of ‘not being a total jerk’. Even then, I will communicate my happiness and not express it. If someone is responsible for my negative ones, I will keep everything inside.
Conveying emotions (apart from the one exception above) isn’t productive, doesn’t solve anything or make anything better. We tend to be objective by nature, and emotions is everything but.
-----------------------------------------------
I don’t know what sort of people you met, but from what i know, regardless of the complexity of the emotion, it’s not that hard to say: “i’m upset”, “i’m happy” etc.
Now regarding of how much we say it, or rather if we complain about it, you may get closer to the problem.
Every individual has his/her own interest and will complain about something they care about, yet no so much as to make a drama out of it.
Car is broke? Ok, what needs fixing?
I don’t mention every minute of the day that the car is broke? Who cares? It’s not their problem, it’s mine? I have to fix it.
Also to mention, TALKING in general if all possible is to be avoided, especially if there is a problem.
Now when it comes to feelings and emotions, i really don’t imagine talking to anyone i don’t completely trust and just burst out with emotions and words of intimacy.
Just like women who don’t want to bee seen in their underwear, but the bikini is ok, I don’t want you to see what’s underneath until i want you to.
This is the best analogy i can think of.
---------------------------------------------
It is because they do not understand their own emotions. It goes against the INTJs desire to be effective. They do not see the utility in emotions, thus they do not understand them in themselves, and thus find it very hard to communicate with others.
I wrote about INTJs and emotions here. How Do INTJs Deal with Emotions?
---------------------------------
I have little interest in telling people how I feel, because so many people spend so much time telling me how they feel and rarely take action based on those feelings or, worse, make horrible decisions based upon them that a casual logical inspection could have avoided.
Emotion is over-rated -- though understanding how to communicate with emotional people is a critical skill for INTJs...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
------------------------------------------
INTJs — maybe more than any other type —put very high value on being professional and successful at what they do. Therefore, they tend to operate in the areas they are most competent and confident about.
The Driver for INTJs is “Perspectives.” They are naturally deep, thoughtful, and insightful. But this is on an intellectual level. The mind is their playground. They understand how others think (not feel) and depend heavily on that in all their engagements.
The Co-Pilot for INTJs is “Effectiveness.” Does it work? It is thoughts about utility. Is it useful? These are very important “go to” values of the INTJ
The Ten Year Old of the INTJ is authenticity. Authenticity is where our emotions can be found. INTJs did not like being seen as a ten year old WHEN they were ten years old, imagine their resistance to it as an adult. They fear emotions and tend to dismiss or stuff them, good and bad.
All the rationals (NTs) have a difficult time with emotions. I think the INTJ has the biggest problem with them because of our practical nature and the fact that every element of the “INTJ” — Introversion, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging — is very internal and very much “in the head.” Emotions are a distraction from where the INTJ wants to be, which is in the mind.
Furthermore, INTJs are extremely practical. If something lacks utility, in the mind of the INTJ, it lacks value. It is very difficult for the INTJ to see the utility of emotions.
They say the greatest fear of the INTJ is to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is definitely where our emotions exist. I have learned that I have emotions, regardless if they have “utility” or not. I also learned that they have power over my life even if I do not acknowledge them. Emotions are always there. As an INTJ, I am mindful about the importance of efficiency and it is more efficient to acknowledge my emotions and to work through them, than pretend they do not exist. But this is difficult. It has taken me a long way to get where I am and I have a very long way to go. INTJs would find their lives more successful and their actions more effective, if they tackled emotions with the same “can do” attitude they approach other challenges in their lives.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
INTJ PERSONALITY AND EMOTIONS
INTJs are defined by their confidence, logic, and exceptional decision-making, but all of this hides a turbulent underbelly – their emotions. The very notion of emotional expression is synonymous with irrationality and weakness to many INTJs, a display of poor self-governance and fleeting opinion that can hardly stand up to the enduring light of factual truth.
This mistrust of emotions is understandable, as Feeling (F) is the most weakly developed trait for INTJs – like any complex tool, skilled hands can use it to remarkable effect, while untrained hands make clumsy and dangerous work.
People with the INTJ personality type take pride in remaining rational and logical at all times, considering honesty and straightforward information to be paramount to euphemisms and platitudes in almost all circumstances. In many ways though, these qualities of coolness and detachment aren’t the weapons of truth that they appear to be, but are instead shields designed to protect the inner emotions that INTJs feel. In fact, because their emotions are such an underdeveloped tool, INTJs often feel them more strongly than many overtly emotional types because they simply haven’t learned how to control them effectively.
INTJ personality and emotions
There Is Not a Truth Existing Which I Fear
This is a challenging paradigm for INTJs to manage, especially younger and more Turbulent types who are already less confident than they would like to appear. These feelings are contrary to INTJs’ idea of themselves as paragons of logic and knowledge, and they may go so far as to claim they have no emotions at all. This does not mean that people with the INTJ personality type should be seen as, nor should they aspire to be, cold-blooded and insensitive geniuses living by the mantra that emotions are for the weak. INTJs must understand that this isn’t the case, and isn’t ever going to be.
More mature and Assertive INTJs find more useful ways to manage their feelings. While they will never be comfortable with a truly public display of emotions, INTJs can learn to use them, to channel them alongside their logic to help them achieve their goals. While seemingly contradictory, this can be done in several ways.
Firstly, INTJs are goal-oriented, with long-term ideas founded on sound logic. When something does cause an emotional reaction, good or bad, that energy can be used to further those goals, aiding rational and pre-determined plans.
Secondly, emotions are figurative canaries in the coal mine, indicating that something is off even though logic can’t see it yet. These feelings can help INTJs to use their logic to ask questions they may not have thought to ask. "This is upsetting. Why? What can be done to resolve it?"
Question With Boldness
In this way, emotions are not INTJs’ way of addressing a decision, but rather an indication that a decision needs to be addressed. INTJ personalities’ Thinking (T) trait acts as a protective big brother to their Feeling (F) trait – seeing that something has upset the less able sibling, it steps in to take action, letting logic do the talking and resolving the condition rather than complaining about its consequences.
There comes a time though, when logic is simply the wrong tool for the job, when there just isn’t a rational solution to a problem, and it is in these situations that INTJs must use their Feeling (F) trait most clearly. INTJs would do well to practice this from time to time, or at least be aware of it, because however they may try, it is impossible to truly separate emotion from the decision-making process. The fact is that INTJs do feel, and deeply, and this makes them better, not worse.
6 Things INTJs Wish You Knew About Them (But They Probably Won’t Say)
by Andre Sólo
INTJ personality won't tell you
If you someone with the INTJ personality in your life, there’s a lot that they probably wish you knew. But there are also things we might not tell you—especially about our emotional side. As INTJs, we don’t like to show emotions (in fact, just writing this article was like pulling teeth). But that doesn’t mean our emotions never affect us. Here are six things that INTJs wish you knew—but we’ll probably never tell you. These things may not apply to every INTJ in equal measure, but I believe this list is generally true.
(What’s your personality type? We recommend this free personality test.)
What INTJs Wish You Knew
1. We have occasional outbursts, and they’re weird.
For a personality type known as “robots,” INTJs have a deep emotional core. We keep this largely hidden from the world, not as a protective measure but simply because we tend to view feelings as private. Expressing them in public is awkward, like forgetting to put on pants.
But those feelings are surprisingly sensitive. Your INTJ is likely to come equipped with:
A strong sense of dignity
Extremely specific tastes
Deep and often misplaced insecurities
The constant feeling that we aren’t achieving enough
A code of morals that we don’t talk about unless something violates it
An urge to take control in any situation where any of the above are threatened
Basically, if you cross a samurai style code of honor with the idealism of Gandhi and then give it imposter syndrome, you have a working model of the INTJ’s emotional core. (In personality type theory, this is known as our underdeveloped “Introverted Feeling” or Authenticity function.)
So what happens when those feelings get stirred up? Usually nothing. Most of the time, we keep that nonsense under tight wraps and deal with it privately or by talking to a trusted friend. But sometimes our emotions come out in a sudden burst that shocks everyone, including ourselves.
This usually happens when:
Someone affronts us personally
We witness a display of incompetence
Something strikes us as fundamentally unjust
Then we suddenly get indignant, non-cooperative, and even angry. If the situation is beyond our control, we may rant. If it’s something we can influence, we rip into it with withering critique. Or we may become stubborn and throw up roadblocks until it’s addressed.
Try sitting in a car with three INTJs when another driver cuts them off and you’ll see what I mean.
So what can you do about this? Well, ultimately it’s on the INTJ to learn how to accept and deal with their emotions (as an INTJ myself, just writing that sounds icky). But, if you witness one of these outbursts, it does help if you realize that this is a very vulnerable moment for your INTJ friend. We probably don’t want to talk about it directly, but if you offer to help us with the problem, it goes a long way.
2. There’s nothing we appreciate more than someone trusting our advice.
INTJs have a weird set of strengths and weaknesses. Our biggest strength is that we can eyeball a problem and almost immediately see a way to make it better, or even solve it outright. Our biggest weakness? Well, often, we’re terrible at communication.
The result: INTJs can spend our time making great suggestions, or bringing up very accurate insights, only to be told we’re wrong. This is not a pleasant feeling. In fact, many INTJs identify with the story of Cassandra, the ancient prophet who was cursed to see the future but never have anyone believe her. It’s probably our biggest pain point as human beings.
INTJs can get better at communication, of course—and all the other skills needed to get our ideas out of our notebooks and into the world. But for many of us, nothing feels better than having someone else listen to our advice, take it seriously, and try it out. Fixing problems is what we’re best at. When someone notices that and starts to use our advice, it’s an almost spiritually fulfilling experience.
3. We smile more with emoji than we do with our faces.
INTJs have a well-deserved reputation for never smiling. Even when we’re happy, we tend to wear a neutral, focused expression (because we’re often happiest when we’re deep in thought) that others misread as anger. INTJs can and do learn to overcome this, but one look at the kinds of selfies we take is enough to prove the point.
Something funny happens, though, when we start texting or writing an email—suddenly we’re all emoji. For most INTJs, this isn’t natural either; we all go through a phase of rolling our eyes and griping that people don’t use correct punctuation anymore. But what we lack in social graces we more than make up for in our language skills—and emoji are, basically, just another written language. They’re basically a way to code emotions. And coding we can handle.
As a result, I find myself very easily switching to the appropriate written tone for whoever I’m texting to, and using emoji like I’m 17 years old—even though the INTJ grimace is locked on my face in real life.
4. It doesn’t make us feel good to be told we’re smart.
Anyone who knows an INTJ knows we often don’t take compliments well. I find this is doubly true when we’re praised for our intelligence. Since we’re known as masterminds and bookworms, you’d think there’d be no higher compliment you could give us than to tell us how smart we are. And occasionally it is satisfying—perhaps when a new boss notices it and calls it out. But as INTJs, we probably already know we’re smart; we’ve been told that all our lives. What we really value is what we do with it.
This is because INTJs don’t view intelligence as a static thing (you’re either “smart” or “not smart” and that’s that). We view intelligence as a constant process of learning more about the world. As a result, accomplishing things in the world matters a lot. Achievements in any field are, to us, a measure of applied intelligence.
This focus on tangible achievements is why INTJs react so weirdly to compliments: if we’re already succeeding at our goals, we basically see praise as superfluous, because we’re happy without it. And if we’re not succeeding at our goals, being told we’re smart actually hurts—it underscores that we had the talent to succeed, so the failure must be our own fault. This is a self-pity loop that mature INTJs grow out of, but we’ve just about all experienced it at some point or another.
So, is there any kind of compliment that does make an INTJ’s day? Absolutely. With our great strengths comes a long list of weaknesses, especially the social skills mentioned above. Some of us spend years working to improve in these areas, and any praise we get is surprisingly meaningful. A simple, “You’re really great at handling clients,” or “I never would have guessed you think of yourself as a nerd; you’re always so charming” will melt an INTJ’s heart. (If it’s sincere, of course.)
5. We agree with you more than you think (really).
INTJs can be argumentative. But, unlike most people, we don’t always argue because we’re upset. We argue because we like to test out new ideas.
This can lead to major communication problems. For example, we may argue for something as a hypothetical only to have other people think we really believe it. Or, we might find ourselves in a one-hour discussion that we think is really deep, meaningful talk—but the other person thinks it’s a fight. The other day my girlfriend had to stop me in the middle of speculating about the job market and ask, “Wait, are you just talking out ideas or are you about to quit your job and move to Nepal?”
In polite conversation, this is on us as much as it is anyone else—we simply need to learn to rein in our debating and theorizing, and most of us do so by our mid-20s. But it also means many of us bite our tongues about our most interesting thoughts and ideas because we don’t want to upset anyone. This is part of why INTJs seem to “check out” from conversations: we’re running through all the possibilities in our head instead of saying them out loud.
The flip side of this is, once we’ve kicked an idea around enough, we often get convinced that you’re right. At that point, we will completely drop the argument (or the ruminating) and simply agree with you. But I think we often don’t emphasize enough that we really have come around to your way of thinking—that we’re on your side. Or, more accurately, that we’ve always been on the side of “let’s find the right answer,” and we’re proud to know someone like you who helped us find it.
6. Once you’re “in,” we’ll back you up for life.
INTJs can take a long time to warm up to a new person—perhaps more than other introverts. We often prioritize our work over our personal lives, giving us very little time to meet new friends. And we have high standards, preferring to surround ourselves with a few very interesting, thoughtful people. If you have an INTJ in your life, it may have taken you months or years to get “in” with them.
But once you are, you’re incredibly important to us. Bringing you into our inner circle means we think we can learn from you. It means that you stand out to us from all the other people we meet, and that we want to give you our respect, our affection, and our time. As a result, you’ll find that we’re patient, tolerant, and willing to stand by you even when other people would judge you. And, of course, we’ll offer way too much advice.
