mbti-intj emotions

  

Why do INTJ's find it so hard to communicate their emotions.. in the same way the other 98% of the population does?

Emotions.. I have such a hard time making sense of the constant requirement of humanity to know such things and be so keenly tuned in to constantly expressing, and sharing, and communicating what should be so easy and obvious to discern just by picking up the clues.

If somebody comes inside after shovelling snow for an hour and they are shivering.. chances are, you know they are cold, and you know it is cold outside. But, 98% of the population will say something like.. “oh you must be cold!” Beach volleyball season ended months ago.

And, that is pretty much my perspective on emotions. I take clues and hints, mold them into an issue to resolve and fix what needs to be repaired, find a compromise, or accept things as being what they are.

Emotions are an internal process. Crunching feelings or provoked reactions into nuggets of perception and figuring out ways to rationalize it all. Rather than share my feelings, I give hints and clues. I am a very soft spoken, mild mannered, simple and consistent person. I don’t get excited about many things. Am I acting differently? Well, what could be the reason? All the puzzle pieces are in plain sight. Put them together? No hidden agenda or manipulation here. Petty games that I don't care to indulge.

Yes. I realize that such intuition and deductive reasoning abilities do not come as naturally to nearly all of the other MBTI types. In a personal sense, if somebody can not only realize that something is bothering me, but also figure out the reason why?.. I know that person is somebody who should matter to me. Anything less would be a sign of incompatibility. Yes. As annoying as it may be, emotions become one of my many ways of testing the charachter of a person. I am not going to fake it for approval.

I don't want to hear or say the words. I want to see the actions and effort, and I want for my actions and effort to be noticed. When something is different, something is wrong. People who are complacent or compulsively share every morsel of their emotions tend to not value the purpose or value of emotions.

As a personal example, I can't be in a relationship with somebody who needs to hear the words “I love you” constantly. It just oozes insecurity to me? The need for validation. Words are just words. Show me something tangible, just like I do for them.

Rather than verbally communicate my emotions, I think of physical ways to express them. If I am distancing myself from anybody or anything, I am reviewing all of the hints, comparing them to previous lessons learned, and contemplating ways for how to best handle the situation. Other than to gain insight, exhaustively talking about every little detail serves no purpose. If things are going well, that will also be obvious. I will be devoted, dedicated, and determined to continue forward with the positive momentum. It will be easy to read my emotional state.

Just like asking somebody who walked in from a blizzard, if they are shivering because they are cold.

There is no super secret INTJ playbook. Nothing to gain by overthinking any of it. Nothing to gain by pressuring for the words I haven't figured out how to communicate. The clues are in what you see. (Or what you don't).

Mature INTJs are not emotionally compromised in any way. They just tend to express them differently. Rather than have conversations about feelings or emotions, there will be a noticable shift in behavior to accommodate the change in perspective.

We skip the redundancy of asking if the shivering person is cold, or blaming them for not dressing well enough, and jump straight to the part of handing them a warm blanket. Actions, not words. Efficiency.

 -------------------------------answers-----------------------------

Because the INTJ doesn’t really have emotions, not the way other people do. How can they communicate something that they rarely understand? Most of the time, the INTJ communicates emotions through what other people have done to them. They are the consummate victims that have a perfectly logical reason for why they let other people screw them over. In personal relationships, the INTJ looks for the broken person to make better. Rarely will you see an INTJ attracted to someone who has all their shit together. How much worse for the INTJ who is plagued with self-doubt and incorrect assumptions to be with someone who doesn’t need their help and has no self-doubt. Lastly, the INTJ will hold everything on the inside because they are not sure whether what they feel is accurate or even exists. During this depersonalization of self, the INTJ can experience the most growth or the most “turtling”. “My shell is safe and no one appreciates my uniqueness. I will take my toy and shell and go to another beach.” The alternative is to burst out of their shell and have an epiphany of sorts. And, that my friends, is like watching the Phoenix be reborn. In the highest function, you will never want for a better friend than the mature, self-aware INTJ. They can be magnificent.

----------------------------------------------

I don't find it hard.  If given time and space and allowed to do it on my terms, I can communicate my emotions clearly and concisely,  I don't see the need to communicate about my feelings unless they are relevant to the situation.  I might tell my husband that I'm feeling sad and shaky because it's the anniversary of our daughter's MET call, resuscitation and heart surgery so he understands why I'm a bit quiet and withdrawn and support me.    The conversation would take less than five minutes and may end with a hug (GASP INTJ's hug!!  Selectively.).  If I was at a scout event for my kids standing around with a group of other Mums I just wouldn't go into it.  If I was having trouble coping, I'd quietly remove myself or suck it up.  I would not bare my soul because it's not their business and it's not at all relevant to the event, and why should I make a spectacle of myself when people were there for their kids?

By contrast an EFSP woman I know has shown up at a funeral and had a domestic with her husband because SHE felt angry.  cried loudly and publicly in the middle of someone else's party because SHE felt sad, laughed when a friend was upset and glibly kept trying to cheer them up after being asked to stop because she felt happy.  While we all knew what she was feeling, I don't think her communications about her feelings were effective or respectful.  Expressing her fellings she can do, control or discuss not so much.

I am not saying that all ESFP's are like this woman and not all INTJ's are like me.  What I am saying is you can't generalise NT=bad at feelings and SF=good at feelings.   We are more complex and nuanced creatures than that.

I don't enjoy sitting around talking about feelings and find people who want me to share my inner feelings with them invasive and annoying.  I feel things intensely, but I only share with people who I trust.  When my daughter was very ill people wanted me to cry with them and were sometimes upset that I did not, thinking that I was unfeeling or not in touch with my feelings.  As I said to our care manager though, my heart was broken into a thousand pieces, but I could not fall apart because I was not certain I could put myself back together - and my daughter needed me.  I could talk about how I was feeling quite easily.  I just could not be the weeping mess they wanted me to be.

I feel it all the feelings.  If it's relevant and necessary I can talk about them.  What I can't and won't do is be controlled by emotional outbursts.

-----------------------------------------------

INTJ’s need km to know things. Half the time when we're embroiled in something such that our emotions are getting the better of us, we don't know what we're feeling.

Is this jealosy? Is this rage or just anger? Wait I'm crying this must be sadness! But I'm not depressed. (3 hours later)… furstration! IF it wasn't before it is now because nobody did jack crap or even noticed that I was so hurt by that sitiation.

(Meanwhile the whole rest if the crowd is chatting around as suddenly Bob notices Aaron in the corner)

Bob to Marv: “Hey Marv, look, Aaron showed up!”

Marv: “really?”

Jess walks by overhearing this and says to Marv and Bob “Aarons been here since before the party started” and walks off.

Marv and Bob both shrug - Aaron is lost in thought anyway and they return to partying not noticing anything.

Aaron goes home feeling like he's totally misunderstood, and nobody cares.

-------------------------------------------------

It’s estimated that human beings have about 37,000 emotions…emotions? What does that even mean? INTJ’s have a hard time being inauthentic. Being inauthentic means communicating things that are not entirely true or realistic. The problem with emotions is that they are generally difficult to define let alone decipher. I don’t like to talk about things I can’t really understand because I don’t really know what I’m talking about. If I’m trying to communicate things when I don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re going to get a load of crap.

The best way to avoid this problem is to avoid talking about things of which one knows nothing. If there’s anything on this planet that’s difficult to understand and deal with, it’s human beings and their emotions. Crime is usually the result of an irrational and emotional response to some social circumstance. Rage, anger, pity, and everything else that speaks to evil in the world are all the result of emotions.

INTJ’s are always about understanding what they’re talking about. If they understand an emotional issue, they’ll talk about it. If they don’t, they will want to rationalize it before they speak. We remain emotionally detached because it gives us a deeper sense of clarity. Detachment, like distance provides the ability to focus and identify the problem in order to develop workable solutions. The INTJ uses their intellect to develop a plan that enables them to deal with emotional issues effectively and usefully to live with their consequences.

None of this is hard for an INTJ to communicate. What’s hard is identifying what it is that needs communicating and doing it in a fashion that is understood and effective for use for everyone who is affected.

-------------------------------------------

I only communicate emotions that were experienced a long time ago, that have been analyzed and concluded. I don’t mind talking about those, given I have a good grasp of it.

However, my current emotions are my business and nobody else’s. It’s not a question of hard or easy, but a question of ‘why should I?’. I don’t see any benefit in conveying how I feel to someone else, if anything it will make me more vulnerable and that’s a bad move in any book.

I am mainly referring to negative emotions here, although positive ones I may keep to myself as well. However if someone else is responsible for my positive emotions, I will let them know for the sake of ‘not being a total jerk’. Even then, I will communicate my happiness and not express it. If someone is responsible for my negative ones, I will keep everything inside.

Conveying emotions (apart from the one exception above) isn’t productive, doesn’t solve anything or make anything better. We tend to be objective by nature, and emotions is everything but.

-----------------------------------------------

I don’t know what sort of people you met, but from what i know, regardless of the complexity of the emotion, it’s not that hard to say: “i’m upset”, “i’m happy” etc.

Now regarding of how much we say it, or rather if we complain about it, you may get closer to the problem.

Every individual has his/her own interest and will complain about something they care about, yet no so much as to make a drama out of it.

Car is broke? Ok, what needs fixing?

I don’t mention every minute of the day that the car is broke? Who cares? It’s not their problem, it’s mine? I have to fix it.

Also to mention, TALKING in general if all possible is to be avoided, especially if there is a problem.

Now when it comes to feelings and emotions, i really don’t imagine talking to anyone i don’t completely trust and just burst out with emotions and words of intimacy.

Just like women who don’t want to bee seen in their underwear, but the bikini is ok, I don’t want you to see what’s underneath until i want you to.

This is the best analogy i can think of.

---------------------------------------------

It is because they do not understand their own emotions. It goes against the INTJs desire to be effective. They do not see the utility in emotions, thus they do not understand them in themselves, and thus find it very hard to communicate with others.

I wrote about INTJs and emotions here. How Do INTJs Deal with Emotions?

---------------------------------

I have little interest in telling people how I feel, because so many people spend so much time telling me how they feel and rarely take action based on those feelings or, worse, make horrible decisions based upon them that a casual logical inspection could have avoided.

Emotion is over-rated -- though understanding how to communicate with emotional people is a critical skill for INTJs...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

------------------------------------------

INTJs — maybe more than any other type —put very high value on being professional and successful at what they do. Therefore, they tend to operate in the areas they are most competent and confident about.

The Driver for INTJs is “Perspectives.” They are naturally deep, thoughtful, and insightful. But this is on an intellectual level. The mind is their playground. They understand how others think (not feel) and depend heavily on that in all their engagements.

The Co-Pilot for INTJs is “Effectiveness.” Does it work? It is thoughts about utility. Is it useful? These are very important “go to” values of the INTJ

The Ten Year Old of the INTJ is authenticity. Authenticity is where our emotions can be found. INTJs did not like being seen as a ten year old WHEN they were ten years old, imagine their resistance to it as an adult. They fear emotions and tend to dismiss or stuff them, good and bad.

All the rationals (NTs) have a difficult time with emotions. I think the INTJ has the biggest problem with them because of our practical nature and the fact that every element of the “INTJ” — Introversion, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging — is very internal and very much “in the head.” Emotions are a distraction from where the INTJ wants to be, which is in the mind.

Furthermore, INTJs are extremely practical. If something lacks utility, in the mind of the INTJ, it lacks value. It is very difficult for the INTJ to see the utility of emotions.

They say the greatest fear of the INTJ is to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is definitely where our emotions exist. I have learned that I have emotions, regardless if they have “utility” or not. I also learned that they have power over my life even if I do not acknowledge them. Emotions are always there. As an INTJ, I am mindful about the importance of efficiency and it is more efficient to acknowledge my emotions and to work through them, than pretend they do not exist. But this is difficult. It has taken me a long way to get where I am and I have a very long way to go. INTJs would find their lives more successful and their actions more effective, if they tackled emotions with the same “can do” attitude they approach other challenges in their lives.

----------------------------------------------------------------- 

INTJ PERSONALITY AND EMOTIONS

INTJs are defined by their confidence, logic, and exceptional decision-making, but all of this hides a turbulent underbelly – their emotions. The very notion of emotional expression is synonymous with irrationality and weakness to many INTJs, a display of poor self-governance and fleeting opinion that can hardly stand up to the enduring light of factual truth.

This mistrust of emotions is understandable, as Feeling (F) is the most weakly developed trait for INTJs – like any complex tool, skilled hands can use it to remarkable effect, while untrained hands make clumsy and dangerous work.

People with the INTJ personality type take pride in remaining rational and logical at all times, considering honesty and straightforward information to be paramount to euphemisms and platitudes in almost all circumstances. In many ways though, these qualities of coolness and detachment aren’t the weapons of truth that they appear to be, but are instead shields designed to protect the inner emotions that INTJs feel. In fact, because their emotions are such an underdeveloped tool, INTJs often feel them more strongly than many overtly emotional types because they simply haven’t learned how to control them effectively.

INTJ personality and emotions

There Is Not a Truth Existing Which I Fear

This is a challenging paradigm for INTJs to manage, especially younger and more Turbulent types who are already less confident than they would like to appear. These feelings are contrary to INTJs’ idea of themselves as paragons of logic and knowledge, and they may go so far as to claim they have no emotions at all. This does not mean that people with the INTJ personality type should be seen as, nor should they aspire to be, cold-blooded and insensitive geniuses living by the mantra that emotions are for the weak. INTJs must understand that this isn’t the case, and isn’t ever going to be.

More mature and Assertive INTJs find more useful ways to manage their feelings. While they will never be comfortable with a truly public display of emotions, INTJs can learn to use them, to channel them alongside their logic to help them achieve their goals. While seemingly contradictory, this can be done in several ways.

Firstly, INTJs are goal-oriented, with long-term ideas founded on sound logic. When something does cause an emotional reaction, good or bad, that energy can be used to further those goals, aiding rational and pre-determined plans. 

Secondly, emotions are figurative canaries in the coal mine, indicating that something is off even though logic can’t see it yet. These feelings can help INTJs to use their logic to ask questions they may not have thought to ask. "This is upsetting. Why? What can be done to resolve it?"

Question With Boldness

In this way, emotions are not INTJs’ way of addressing a decision, but rather an indication that a decision needs to be addressed. INTJ personalities’ Thinking (T) trait acts as a protective big brother to their Feeling (F) trait – seeing that something has upset the less able sibling, it steps in to take action, letting logic do the talking and resolving the condition rather than complaining about its consequences.

There comes a time though, when logic is simply the wrong tool for the job, when there just isn’t a rational solution to a problem, and it is in these situations that INTJs must use their Feeling (F) trait most clearly. INTJs would do well to practice this from time to time, or at least be aware of it, because however they may try, it is impossible to truly separate emotion from the decision-making process. The fact is that INTJs do feel, and deeply, and this makes them better, not worse.

 6 Things INTJs Wish You Knew About Them (But They Probably Won’t Say)

by Andre Sólo

INTJ personality won't tell you

If you someone with the  INTJ personality in your life, there’s a lot that they probably wish you knew. But there are also things we might not tell you—especially about our emotional side. As INTJs, we don’t like to show emotions (in fact, just writing this article was like pulling teeth). But that doesn’t mean our emotions never affect us. Here are six things that INTJs wish you knew—but we’ll probably never tell you. These things may not apply to every INTJ in equal measure, but I believe this list is generally true.

(What’s your personality type? We recommend this free personality test.)

What INTJs Wish You Knew

1. We have occasional outbursts, and they’re weird.

For a personality type known as “robots,” INTJs have a deep emotional core. We keep this largely hidden from the world, not as a protective measure but simply because we tend to view feelings as private. Expressing them in public is awkward, like forgetting to put on pants.

But those feelings are surprisingly sensitive. Your INTJ is likely to come equipped with:

A strong sense of dignity

Extremely specific tastes

Deep and often misplaced insecurities

The constant feeling that we aren’t achieving enough

A code of morals that we don’t talk about unless something violates it

An urge to take control in any situation where any of the above are threatened

Basically, if you cross a samurai style code of honor with the idealism of Gandhi and then give it imposter syndrome, you have a working model of the INTJ’s emotional core. (In personality type theory, this is known as our underdeveloped “Introverted Feeling” or Authenticity function.)

So what happens when those feelings get stirred up? Usually nothing. Most of the time, we keep that nonsense under tight wraps and deal with it privately or by talking to a trusted friend. But sometimes our emotions come out in a sudden burst that shocks everyone, including ourselves.

This usually happens when:

Someone affronts us personally

We witness a display of incompetence

Something strikes us as fundamentally unjust

Then we suddenly get indignant, non-cooperative, and even angry. If the situation is beyond our control, we may rant. If it’s something we can influence, we rip into it with withering critique. Or we may become stubborn and throw up roadblocks until it’s addressed.

Try sitting in a car with three INTJs when another driver cuts them off and you’ll see what I mean.

So what can you do about this? Well, ultimately it’s on the INTJ to learn how to accept and deal with their emotions (as an INTJ myself, just writing that sounds icky). But, if you witness one of these outbursts, it does help if you realize that this is a very vulnerable moment for your INTJ friend. We probably don’t want to talk about it directly, but if you offer to help us with the problem, it goes a long way.

2. There’s nothing we appreciate more than someone trusting our advice.

INTJs have a weird set of strengths and weaknesses. Our biggest strength is that we can eyeball a problem and almost immediately see a way to make it better, or even solve it outright. Our biggest weakness? Well, often, we’re terrible at communication.

The result: INTJs can spend our time making great suggestions, or bringing up very accurate insights, only to be told we’re wrong. This is not a pleasant feeling. In fact, many INTJs identify with the story of Cassandra, the ancient prophet who was cursed to see the future but never have anyone believe her. It’s probably our biggest pain point as human beings.

INTJs can get better at communication, of course—and all the other skills needed to get our ideas out of our notebooks and into the world. But for many of us, nothing feels better than having someone else listen to our advice, take it seriously, and try it out. Fixing problems is what we’re best at. When someone notices that and starts to use our advice, it’s an almost spiritually fulfilling experience.

3. We smile more with emoji than we do with our faces.

INTJs have a well-deserved reputation for never smiling. Even when we’re happy, we tend to wear a neutral, focused expression (because we’re often happiest when we’re deep in thought) that others misread as anger. INTJs can and do learn to overcome this, but one look at the kinds of selfies we take is enough to prove the point.

Something funny happens, though, when we start texting or writing an email—suddenly we’re all emoji. For most INTJs, this isn’t natural either; we all go through a phase of rolling our eyes and griping that people don’t use correct punctuation anymore. But what we lack in social graces we more than make up for in our language skills—and emoji are, basically, just another written language. They’re basically a way to code emotions. And coding we can handle.

As a result, I find myself very easily switching to the appropriate written tone for whoever I’m texting to, and using emoji like I’m 17 years old—even though the INTJ grimace is locked on my face in real life.

4. It doesn’t make us feel good to be told we’re smart.

Anyone who knows an INTJ knows we often don’t take compliments well. I find this is doubly true when we’re praised for our intelligence. Since we’re known as masterminds and bookworms, you’d think there’d be no higher compliment you could give us than to tell us how smart we are. And occasionally it is satisfying—perhaps when a new boss notices it and calls it out. But as INTJs, we probably already know we’re smart; we’ve been told that all our lives. What we really value is what we do with it.

This is because INTJs don’t view intelligence as a static thing (you’re either “smart” or “not smart” and that’s that). We view intelligence as a constant process of learning more about the world. As a result, accomplishing things in the world matters a lot. Achievements in any field are, to us, a measure of applied intelligence.

This focus on tangible achievements is why INTJs react so weirdly to compliments: if we’re already succeeding at our goals, we basically see praise as superfluous, because we’re happy without it. And if we’re not succeeding at our goals, being told we’re smart actually hurts—it underscores that we had the talent to succeed, so the failure must be our own fault. This is a self-pity loop that mature INTJs grow out of, but we’ve just about all experienced it at some point or another.

So, is there any kind of compliment that does make an INTJ’s day? Absolutely. With our great strengths comes a long list of weaknesses, especially the social skills mentioned above. Some of us spend years working to improve in these areas, and any praise we get is surprisingly meaningful. A simple, “You’re really great at handling clients,” or “I never would have guessed you think of yourself as a nerd; you’re always so charming” will melt an INTJ’s heart. (If it’s sincere, of course.)

5. We agree with you more than you think (really).

INTJs can be argumentative. But, unlike most people, we don’t always argue because we’re upset. We argue because we like to test out new ideas.

This can lead to major communication problems. For example, we may argue for something as a hypothetical only to have other people think we really believe it. Or, we might find ourselves in a one-hour discussion that we think is really deep, meaningful talk—but the other person thinks it’s a fight. The other day my girlfriend had to stop me in the middle of speculating about the job market and ask, “Wait, are you just talking out ideas or are you about to quit your job and move to Nepal?”

In polite conversation, this is on us as much as it is anyone else—we simply need to learn to rein in our debating and theorizing, and most of us do so by our mid-20s. But it also means many of us bite our tongues about our most interesting thoughts and ideas because we don’t want to upset anyone. This is part of why INTJs seem to “check out” from conversations: we’re running through all the possibilities in our head instead of saying them out loud.

The flip side of this is, once we’ve kicked an idea around enough, we often get convinced that you’re right. At that point, we will completely drop the argument (or the ruminating) and simply agree with you. But I think we often don’t emphasize enough that we really have come around to your way of thinking—that we’re on your side. Or, more accurately, that we’ve always been on the side of “let’s find the right answer,” and we’re proud to know someone like you who helped us find it.

6. Once you’re “in,” we’ll back you up for life.

INTJs can take a long time to warm up to a new person—perhaps more than other introverts. We often prioritize our work over our personal lives, giving us very little time to meet new friends. And we have high standards, preferring to surround ourselves with a few very interesting, thoughtful people. If you have an INTJ in your life, it may have taken you months or years to get “in” with them.

But once you are, you’re incredibly important to us. Bringing you into our inner circle means we think we can learn from you. It means that you stand out to us from all the other people we meet, and that we want to give you our respect, our affection, and our time. As a result, you’ll find that we’re patient, tolerant, and willing to stand by you even when other people would judge you. And, of course, we’ll offer way too much advice.

emotional security in children

    

Abstract

Building on the conceptual framework of emotional security theory (EST) [1], this study longitudinally examined multiple factors linking parental depressive symptoms and child internalizing symptoms. Participants were 235 children (106 boys, 129 girls) and their cohabiting parents. Assessments included mothers’ and fathers’ depressive symptoms when children were in kindergarten, parents’ negative expressiveness when children were in first grade, children’s emotional insecurity one year later, and children’s internalizing symptoms in kindergarten and second grade. Findings revealed both mothers’ and fathers’ depressive symptoms were related to changes in children’s internalizing symptoms as a function of parents’ negative emotional expressiveness and children’s emotional insecurity. In addition to these similar pathways, distinctive pathways as a function of parental gender were identified. Contributions are considered for understanding relations between parental depressive symptoms and children’s development.

Keywords: Parental depressive symptoms, emotional security, parental negative emotional expressiveness, children’s internalizing symptoms

Children of depressed parents are two to five times more likely to develop disorders than children of nondepressed parents [2, 3], including internalizing problems (e.g., anxious/depressed symptoms) [4]. However, the heterogeneity of developmental pathways calls for explication of the processes that account for outcomes5. Even accounting for genetic factors, family environmental influences emerge in relations among paternal and maternal depressive symptoms and child internalizing problems [6, 7]. Regarding children’s socio-emotional adjustment, kindergarten and elementary school years are formative. However, relatively few studies have prospectively explored family mediators of links between parental depressive symptoms and children n’s internalizing problems. These questions are the focus of this study. The conceptual model for this study is outlined in Figure 1.

Figure 1

Figure 1

Proposed mediational model of parental depressive symptoms, parental negative emotional expressiveness and children’s emotional insecurity in predicting children’s internalizing problems.

Mothers’ and Fathers’ Depressive Symptoms

The family provides a primary context to understand child functioning and adjustment, including the influence of both mothers and fathers in the development of their children [8]. However, attention in the literature on parental depression and child adjustment has mainly focused on maternal influence, with a relative lack of research about the role of fathers [9]. Additionally, few studies have examined both parents’ depressive symptoms in the context of children’s insecurity about parental relations and adjustment [10]. Recent research indicates that fathers’ and mothers’ depressive symptoms can impact child adjustment [11, 12]. Accordingly, the current study examines the impact of maternal and paternal depressive symptoms in the links between the parental depressive symptoms and children’s internalizing symptoms.

Negative Emotional Expressiveness

The role of parents’ negative emotional expressiveness in pathways between parental depressive symptoms and children’s risk for adjustment problems has been little examined but the evidence suggests it merits study [5, 13, 14]. Previous research has indicated that depressed parents are characterized by high negative affect or emotional expressiveness, including hostility and irritability [15, 16]. Given evidence for negative affect, communications, and appraisals in couples with a depressed spouse [17], we longitudinally examine how, or whether, each parent’s depressive symptoms affect their own and their spouse’s negative emotional expressiveness. Specifically, in this present study, the effects of parental depressive symptoms on children’s are hypothesized to be mediated, at least in part, by the parents’ negative emotional expressiveness, associated with their depressive symptoms, expressed in the family. Furthermore, parents’ negative emotional expressiveness is hypothesized to be related to children’s emotional insecurity [8, 18], thereby increasing their risk for internalizing symptoms [19] (see Figure 1). Emotional Security Theory

The role of parental negative emotional expressiveness on children’s emotional security and adjustment is implicated by research and theory [20–23]. In the present study, emotional insecurity is theorized as being associated with the development of internalizing problems in the context of parental depression [24]. Moreover, the negativity among depressed parents might be expected to dampen children’s emotional security. Children’s insecurity, in turn, is expected to predict their internalizing symptoms of withdrawal, somatic problems, and signs of depression or anxiety.

According to EST [1], children’s emotional security is related to their personal sense of protection and safety in various family settings. A useful analogy is to think about emotional security as a bridge between the child and the world; high index of security in the family, as indicated by a positive family environment, allows parents to serve as a secure base, supporting the child’s exploration and relationships with others. If a negative family environment erodes this ‘bridge’, children may lose confidence and become hesitant or uncertain how to move forward, unable to find appropriate footing within themselves, or in interactions with others.

An assumption of EST is that preserving a sense of security is a goal that organizes children’s responding, including emotional reactivity and action tendencies such as behavioral dysfunction, avoidance, and involvement in marital conflict [1, 25]. Emotional security thus reflects an organizational perspective on children’s regulatory processes [26], evident in these multiple types of responding, which has been shown to predict their later adjustment [27].

Secure base notions are at the foundation of both EST and attachment theory [28]. According to attachment theory, emotional bonds between parents and children are pertinent to children’s sense of security, particularly in times of stress. These notions are extended to include other family relations by EST, including interparental relations. EST thus calls attention to multiple family relationships in contributing to children’s emotional security, thereby broadening notions of emotional security as a function of multiple family processes.

Specifically, this study longitudinally examines the effects of parents’ negative emotional expressiveness associated with parental depressive symptoms on children’s emotional insecurity, and the role of this pathway in children’s development of internalizing problems. Multiple past studies have indicated links between emotional insecurity and children’s internalizing problems [19]; thus, there is considerable empirical basis for expecting this pathway in the model.

Theoretical Model

As shown in Figure 1, pathways are identified between parental depressive symptoms and child internalizing symptoms, with parental negative emotional expressiveness and child emotional insecurity acting as mediating variables. The stringency of this model test is increased by including autoregressive controls accounting for children’s initial levels of internalizing symptoms. Interactional models on relations between parental depression symptoms and child adjustment are also of interest. For example, parental depression may have stronger effects on present than future expressiveness and parental expressiveness may have greater effects on present than future emotional insecurity. However, the goal of this report was to advance a developmental model towards explaining prospective relations between parental depressive symptoms and children’s internalizing problems. That is, the purpose of the study was to examine the mechanisms or processes underlying the intergenerational transmission of internalizing problems.

Specifically, we hypothesize that (a) depressive symptoms of both mothers and fathers will be related to their own negative expressiveness, with an exploratory test of whether there are effects of each parents’ depressive symptoms on the other parents’ negative emotional expressiveness, (b) parents’ negative emotional expressiveness will be associated with children’s emotional insecurity, and (c) children’s emotional insecurity will be linked with internalizing symptoms. Moreover, it is expected that parental depressive symptoms will be directly related to children’s emotional insecurity and internalizing symptoms, respectively. That is, the hypothetical pathway specified in this study is not expected to fully account for relations between parental depressive symptoms and child adjustment [1].

Go to:

Method

Participants

Participants included community families from South Bend and Rochester and their surrounding areas from St. Joseph County, IN, and Monroe County, NY, respectively.. Families were recruited through flyers, postcards, schools, day care centers, local community functions, and referrals from other participants. Families were eligible to participate if they had been living together for at least 3 years at the time of recruitment, had at least one child currently enrolled in kindergarten, and were able to complete the questionnaires in English. Table 1 shows the demographics of the sample. Compared to the families recruited at W1 (N = 235), the retention rates of W2 and W3 were 96.60% and 91.49%, respectively. The retention rate of W3 (N= 215) compared to families at W2 (N = 227) was 94.71%. Overall, the sample was representative of these two areas in terms of race and median household income [29]. However, the sample included a smaller percentage of participants from Hispanic/Latino origin (3.83%) in relation to the Hispanic/Latino composition in both counties (7.50%). The participants between the two sites did not differ in terms of race, parental education, income, or marital status (ps > .05). However, compared to families from South Bend, IN, families from Rochester, NY had greater number of years of cohabitation [MRochester = 12.16, SD = 5.21; MSouth Bend = 9.88, SD = 4.22; t(234) = 3.69, p < .001]. The retained and dropped families did not significantly differ in terms of age, race, marital status, or years of cohabitation (ps > .05). They also did not differ on measures of parental depressive symptoms, marital conflict, or child functioning (ps > .05). However, the families that left the study had lower income and education levels than the families that remained in the study.

Table 1

Table 1

Demographics of the Current Sample

Children’s teachers also completed survey packets about the children’s internalizing symptoms. Teachers agreeing to participate were sent surveys through the mail. For each survey completed, teachers received a monetary compensation. At W1, mothers provided names of their children’s school teachers. A total of 233 teachers (99.1% of participating families; Median grade level = kindergarten) completed survey packets. W1 teachers reported knowing the child for an average of 8.25 months (SD = 7.76). At W3, mothers provided names of their current children’s school teachers. A total of 188 teachers (86.2% of participating families; Median grade level = second grade) completed survey packets. W3 teachers reported knowing the child for an average of 9.90 months (SD = 7.86).

Go to:

Procedure

The current study was approved by the Institutional Review Boards at both sites. Participants were told that the purpose of this research was to develop an understanding of how families interact and relate to one another. To participate in the study, parents provided informed consent, whereas their children provided informed assent in addition to parental permission. Within each wave, families were invited to attend two 3-hour sessions each year. The first session was scheduled with both parents and the target child, whereas the second session involved only mothers and children. The two sessions were spaced approximately one month apart. Each family received $230, $370, and $395 in Waves 1, 2, and 3, respectively, as a token of appreciation for the time and effort of their participation.

Measures

Parental depressive symptoms

At W1, the 20-item Center for Epidemiological Studies measure [CES-D; 30], a measure of depressive symptoms, was completed by both mothers and fathers. Parents rated how frequently they have experienced various depressive symptoms on a scale from 0 (less than one day) to 4 (five or more days). Scores of 16 or above indicated clinical levels of depression. Attesting to the pertinence of including a full range of parental depressive symptoms in the study of child outcomes, subclinical levels of parental depressive symptoms have been associated with children’s maladjustment [31]. The CES-D scale had good internal consistencies, with alpha coefficients of .87 for mothers and .86 for fathers.

Parental negative emotional expressiveness

At W2, the 12-item Negative Expressiveness subscale of the Self-Expressiveness in the Family Questionnaire, Short Form [SEFQ; 32], was completed by both mothers and fathers to measure parents’ negative expressiveness towards other family members in a variety of settings typical for most families. Participants rated negative expressiveness on a 9-point scale ranging from 1 (rarely) to 9 (frequently). A composite mean score was created for maternal and paternal expressiveness, respectively. The negativity captured by the SEFQ involves negative emotions, including anger, distress, disappointment, contempt, and hostility. Sample items include “Expressing momentary anger over a trivial irritation”, “Showing contempt for another’s actions”, and “Expressing dissatisfaction with someone else’s behavior”. Good internal consistency was found for this sample, with alpha coefficients of .84 for mothers and .86 for fathers.

Children’s emotional insecurity

At W3, the 37-item Security in the Interparental Subsystems Scale [SIMS-PR; 33] was completed by both parents as a measure of children’s emotional insecurity about interparental relations. This measure assesses parents’ evaluations of their children’s reactions to parental conflict, including emotional reactivity, behavioral dysfunction, involvement in conflict, and avoidance subscales. Participants rated negative expressiveness on a 5-point scale ranging from 1 (not at all like him/her) to 5 (a whole lot like him/her). Sample items include [my child] still seems upset after we argue, gets involved in the argument, yells at family members, and becomes very quiet and withdrawn. Reflecting the goal of obtaining robust multi-reporter assessments of emotional insecurity, mothers’ and fathers’ scores were summed for each subscale. Iinter-correlations among mothers’ and fathers’ reports for indicators of emotional insecurity were emotional reactivity, r = .09, p < .10; involvement, r = .38, p < .001; behavior dysregulation, r = .38, p < .001; and avoidance, r = .22, p < .01. Alpha coefficients for the combined mother and father scores on each subscale were .80, .86, .73, and .68.

Children’s internalizing symptoms

At W1 and W3, the Child Behavior Checklist [CBCL; 34] and Teacher Report Form [TRF; 34] were used to assess children’s internalizing problems in the first and third waves, respectively. Mothers, fathers, and teachers rated how often children exhibited withdrawn, somatic, and anxious/depressed symptoms on 3-point scales ranging from 0 (not true) to 2 (very true or often true). Again reflecting the goal of obtaining robust, multi-reporter assessments, the scores were averaged across parents’ and teachers’ reports for each subscale. With the exception of the correlation between maternal and teacher report of somatic complaint, all correlations across maternal, paternal, and teacher reports for both age periods were statistically significant (ranging from rs = .15 to .56, all ps < .05). Consistent with a developmental psychopathology perspective, the entire range of symptoms was employed [5, 35]. Alpha coefficients for combined parent and teacher reports on withdrawn, somatic, and anxious/depressed symptoms were .78, .87, and .73 at W1 and .78, .80, and .86 at W3.

Analytic Strategy

Prior to testing the structural model, the means, standard deviations, and correlations among all study variables were examined. Structural equation modeling (SEM) was used to examine the prospective relations between parental depressive symptoms and children’s internalizing symptoms. Consistent with current approaches to mediation based on SEM, a mediated or intervening effect of parental negative expressiveness and emotional insecurity was tested for without demonstration of the traditional requirement of a significant predictor-outcome relation [36], although it should be noted that uncorrected correlations did show several significant initial associations between W1 parental depression and W3 child symptoms. Notably, there is an emerging consensus that “a mediated effect may exist whether or not there is a statistically significant effect of the independent variable on the dependent variable” [37, p. 50] and that the “rigid requirement of the first step of Baron and Kenny’s mediation guidelines be dropped” [38, p. 430].

SEM was conducted using EQS for Windows Version 6.1 [39, 40] to test the proposed model relating parental depressive symptoms, parental negative emotional expressiveness, children’s emotional insecurity, and children’s internalizing problems (see Figure 1). The maximum likelihood method was used to examine the model fit to the observed variance and covariance matrices. Full information maximum likelihood estimation was used to handle missing data. Expanding on the work of Sobel [41], SEM is well-suited for assessments of indirect effects [42]. Child gender and autoregressive effects of W1 internalizing problems were incorporated as controls. Latent constructs were created for children’s emotional insecurity (with indicators including emotional reactivity, involvement, behavioral dysregulation, avoidance) and internalizing problems (with indicators including somatic problems, withdrawal, and anxiety or depressive symptoms) to more fully and objectively capture the underlying meanings of these constructs. To account for shared variance, error covariance within the construct of emotional insecurity and the constructs of W1 and W3 child internalizing problems were included.

Go to:

Results

Table 2 shows the means, standard deviations, and correlations among the variables at W1-3. Mothers and fathers exhibited similar levels of depressive symptoms (M = 8.94, SD = 7.96; M = 8.41, SD = 7.57, respectively, p > .05). At W1, 15.74% of mothers (n = 37) and 12.34% of fathers (n = 29) scored above the cut-off of 16 for clinically significant symptoms on the CES-D [30]. With regard to population reference matters, in comparison to 10 and 16% of school-age children in the general population who meet criteria for clinical and borderline clinical internalizing problems [43], respectively, a greater number of the children in our sample met the cutoff for clinical (12%, n = 28; 16 girls and 12 boys) and borderline clinical (21%; n = 50; 26 girls and 24 boys) internalizing symptoms at W1. Among these children, As to W3, 15% met the clinical cut-off (n = 33, 19 girls and 14 boys) and 26% met the cutoff for borderline clinical (n = 56; 29 girls and 27 boys) internalizing symptoms [34]. Finally, the population reference data for parental negative emotional expressiveness and child insecurity were not available.

Table 2

Table 2

Means, Standard Deviations, and Intercorrelations among Observed Variables across W1 and W3

In comparing the sample by gender, boys and girls exhibited similar levels of internalizing symptoms at W1 (M = 2.20, SD = 1.47; M = 2.12, SD = 1. 39), and W3 (M = 2.44, SD = 1.67; M = 2.49, SD = 1.74), respectively, (ps > .05). Child gender was added as a control, given previous findings of gender differences in internalizing symptoms as children approach adolescence [44–46]. Finally, none of the current study variables differed by ethnicity (ps > .05).

To examine the relations prospectively in a structural model, data were assessed from when the children were at kindergarten to when they were at second grade. The model demonstrated adequate fit; ?2(66) = 127.92, p <.001, CFI = .93, GFI = .92, RMSEA = .07. Table 3 provides the unstandardized and standardized parameter estimates for the structural model.

Table 3

Table 3

Unstandardized and Standardized Parameter Estimates for the Finalized Structural Model

Figure 2 illustrates the prospective relations among parental depressive symptoms, parental negative expressiveness, emotional insecurity, and child internalizing problems. Findings from mediational analysis supported parental negative expressiveness and children’s emotional insecurity as significant mediators through which parental depressive symptoms influenced children’s development of internalizing symptoms. Given the autoregressive correction by symptom level at W1, the outcome shows that mediators predicted change in symptom level from W1 to W3. In terms of tests of indirect effects, W1 maternal and paternal depressive symptoms indirectly predicted W3 emotional insecurity through parental negative expressiveness (ßs = .06 and .07, ps < .05). W1 maternal depressive symptoms and W2 maternal and paternal negative expressiveness indirectly predicted change in children’s internalizing symptoms at W3 through their emotional insecurity (ßs = .06, .06 and .05, ps < .05, respectively).

Figure 2

Figure 2

Model findings of parental depressive symptoms, parental negative emotional expressiveness and children’s emotional insecurity in predicting children’s internalizing problems. Standardized parameter estimates are presented; dashed paths ...

Go to:

Discussion

The findings indicated that parental depressive symptoms predicted children’s internalizing symptoms through a pathway involving parental emotional expressiveness and children’s emotional insecurity. The significance of emotional insecurity for the effects of parental depressive symptoms on changes in children’s internalizing symptoms was thus demonstrated, advancing to the limited but growing empirical support for EST as an explanatory process in the context of parental depressive symptoms [47, 48]. The findings also indicated that multiple processes may be related to risk for the development of children’s internalizing symptoms [13, 49]. In particular, negative emotional expressiveness in the family by mothers and fathers were shown to both play roles in children’s appraisals of security. Thus, a pathway between parental depressive symptoms when children were in kindergarten and changes in children’s internalizing symptoms in second grade was supported, controlling for internalizing symptoms in kindergarten. For both parents, a pathway was identified in which relations with internalizing symptoms depended on whether parental negative emotional expressiveness elevated children’s emotional insecurity. In summary, depression itself did not influence child internalizing symptoms unless other processes were influenced. That is, parental behavior (i.e., negative expressiveness) and its influence on children’s individual psychological vulnerability (i.e., emotional insecurity) were related to the impact on child problems in this context.

Differences in influence as a function of parental gender also was identified (see Figure 2). First, paternal depressive symptoms were directly related to children’s emotional insecurity. One possible explanation is that depressive symptoms in fathers may be perceived as less acceptable or normative, so that children’s emotional insecurity is directly threatened. Second, maternal negative emotional expressiveness was directly associated with children’s internalizing symptoms. A possible explanation is that mothers’ negative emotional expressiveness predicts parenting and other aspects of family functioning that affect children’s internalizing problems, without regard to children’s emotional security. That is, as the parent who often assumes the primary caregiving role, mothers’ depressive symptoms may have a greater impact on family processes that affect children’s internalizing problems. Given these differences, future studies should further examine specific influences of paternal vs. maternal depressive symptoms.

The present study indicated an indirect “chain of events” with temporal precedence consistent with the predictions of our developmental model: Parental depressive symptoms were longitudinally linked with internalizing problems via parental expressiveness and emotional insecurity. The demonstration of a direct link between parental depressive symptoms and internalizing problems is neither a sufficient nor necessary condition for testing process-oriented models. In other words, parental depressive symptoms are no less important as predictors of children’s internalizing problems in an indirect chain of events, because without the precipitating event of parental depression, the unfolding series of pathogenic processes would not have eventuated. Parental depression ultimately undermined child internalizing symptoms by setting in motion dysfunctional familial expressions of negative emotions and insecure response processes in the child.

The utility of the construct of parental negative emotional expressiveness for understanding children’s development in families was further illustrated [21, 50]. Parental emotional expressiveness in the family was linked with both paternal and maternal depressive symptoms, supporting the role of parental negative affect in pathways through which parental depressive symptoms affect family and child functioning [5, 49, 51].

This study also demonstrated the role of children’s regulatory processes (i.e., emotional insecurity) [1, 19], associated with parental depression and their internalizing problems [52, 53]. Indexed by specific classes of behavioral responses, the emotional security system included emotional reactivity, avoidance, behavioral dysregulation, and children’s efforts to mediate in interparental discord [54]. Heightened emotional and behavioral reactivity associated with emotional insecurity may increase children’s vulnerability to developing psychological symptoms over time. For example, prolonged operation of the emotional security system, including preoccupation, vigilance, and distress associated with destructive exchanges between parents, requires considerable expenditure of psychobiological resources, leaving children with fewer resources for coping with threats, challenges, and stressors [19]. In predicting change in children’s internalizing symptoms, the current findings underscore the significance of negative family emotional environment and children’s regulatory processes associated with emotional insecurity [6, 55, 56].

Limitations of the study included autoregressive controls were limited to establishing that parental depressive symptoms were linked with relatively complex pathways associated with internalizing problems among second-grade children. Autoregressive control for all the constructs from the previous time points might further improve the robustness of the model in future studies. Next, findings were based on representative community samples, and thus may not be generalizable to clinical samples, families facing substantial hardships, or more ethnically diverse samples. Moreover, depressed parents’ reports of their children’s internalizing symptoms may be biased [57], which may artificially inflate the strength of the relationships in this study. Future studies can utilize observational measures and additional informants to strengthen the assessments. The constructs may be strengthened by including additional methods of assessment or reporters. Effect sizes for predictive relations in the model tests according to Cohen’s criteria [58] were weak to moderate, whereas the effect size for the stability of child internalizing problems was strong, which should be weighed when evaluating the relative strength of the developmental findings. In this study, the sum-scores across informants were adopted as manifest variables for some constructs and the latent constructs of emotional insecurity and internalizing problems. Ideally, it would be best to incorporate separate indicators for informants and subscales. However, due to our model complexity and the medium correlations across informants on multiple subscales, we decided to sum across informants in creating the manifest indicators. Further, it remains for future research to specify patterns of gene-environment interdependence [59] and the long-term effects of parental depressive symptoms and emotional expressiveness across developmental periods, from childhood to adolescence, on child outcomes. In addition, children’s internalizing symptoms was the focus of the present work; other pertinent specific child outcomes related to internalizing symptoms, such as suicidal ideation and substance abuse [60, 61], merit consideration in future research. Finally, the current findings may not be generalizable to single-parent households. Future studies should examine children’s emotional security in families with single parent or divorced parents. Another future goal may be to compare interactional and developmental models for the interrelations between the constructs in our model. Despite these limitations, this multi-reporter, prospective study addresses gaps in understanding specific pathways associated with emotional insecurity about interparental relations between parental depressive symptoms and child internalizing symptoms.

These findings have implications for intervention and prevention efforts, as well as clinical practice. The importance of the parents’ emotional behaviors associated with depressive symptoms was underscored [14]. A take home message of our findings is that both parents should be made aware of the impact of their expressions of emotions in the family on children’s appraisals of security and the implications of parental behaviors that undermine security for children’s subsequent adjustment. Parents may be able to reduce children’s risk for emotional insecurity and internalizing problems by altering their pattern of emotional expression towards other family members, including resolving their conflicts [19, 52, 62]. Amidst the complex mix of factors related to children’s risk for internalizing problems associated with parental depressive symptoms [6, 59], this study further illuminates factors affecting the children’s adjustment. Psychological interventions geared toward improving emotional communications in the family by parents with depressive symptoms merits future investigation.

Go to:

Summary

This study uniquely adds to the growing literature concerned with identifying the family mediators of links between parental depressive symptoms and children’s adjustment. In the context of prospective test of a theoretically-based model, parental negative emotional expressiveness and children’s emotional insecurity were identified as contributing to children’s risk for internalizing symptoms (for example, anxiety, depression) in the context of parental depressive symptoms. Both paternal and maternal depressive symptoms were related by this pathway of influence to children’s internalizing symptoms. These findings suggest that children’s personal sense of safety and protection is affected by patterns of negative emotional expressiveness associated with parental symptoms, with implications for children’s adjustment problems. These results thus advance the limited but growing empirical support for EST as an explanatory model for children’s adjustment in the context of parental depressive symptoms. The utility of the construct of parental negative emotional expressiveness for children’s developmental in families was also further illustrated. A take-home message is that both parents should be made aware of the impact of their negative expressions of emotions in the family on children’s appraisals of security and the implications of parental behaviors that undermine security for children’s subsequent adjustment.

Unhealthy ISFJ

 Confessions of an Unhealthy ISFJ

By Jami Cannon Jan 6, 2021

It’s fair to say that I am coming out of (and thus am still in) an unhealthy ISFJ state, which provides me the perfect opportunity to exploit myself in order to articulate from that space.

 I cannot say how long I’ve been in the depths of it. Years, potentially.

 I have lived alarmingly unaware years, which exacerbates the venomous swirls underneath what is visible to the eye. 

Regardless, I hope this account provides some awareness around what it’s like for an ISFJ to 

wear a mask in order for everyone else to be happy.

 The mask does not deserve praise as it creates a toxic, illusionary reality that substantially hurts both viewer and performer.

 Self-suppression not only poisons the ISFJ, but everything they touch.

Table of contents

The Many Shades of Being an Unhealthy ISFJ

1 – Caught Up in the Past (Si-Ti)

2 – Self-Suppression & Silence (Fe)

How can someone see you when you’re covering your face?

3 – Excessive Worry (Ne)

Special Recommendations for the Unmasking

_______________

The Many Shades of Being an Unhealthy ISFJ

At the crux of an ISFJ’s evolution is an 

awareness that something inside of themselves actually matters more than their

 continual sacrifice for other people (who never asked for nor desired it).

 While holding space for oneself is an obvious reality for some types, it’s a shocking realization for someone supposedly “built” to cater to other people. 

Unhealthy ISFJs nearly believe they are biologically constructed to accommodate. They do not listen to or respect themselves. When in this state, only something sustainably jarring can turn the kaleidoscope of perception just enough so that the ISFJ can witness the dissonance between their reality and their desires. In short, a catalyst for change is needed.

 Something so viable it inspires the ISFJ to come back to themselves. The catalyst is varied and could arrive at your door in the form of a number of nouns. 

Mine came in the form of a person with a book who remained in my presence just long enough to sever the ties of my old worldview.

I could go on about the breaking point, the dissipation of the catalyst, and my subsequent awakening, however, 

I am most concerned with who unhealthy ISFJs are, how they show up, and how they become toxic in the first place. 

I wish to pick apart the unawareness of the unaware.

Why do we pick up the mask?

I am an enormous fan of V for Vendetta. The story follows a masked protagonist name “V,” whom Natalie Portman claims is “a good man who does bad things.” A lovely sentence for a complex man. (A description most of us likely share, if we really examined ourselves.) Over the course of the story, V kills several people associated with the government in order to claim his revenge, all the while working to distill the truth of the corrupt government to the general populous. He ultimately encourages “the people” to take back their autonomy, freedom of speech, etc.

As submissive as I tend to be, V’s call for revolution still enticed me. The man himself moved me as well. Who was this person, causing such collective havoc and revelation? I wanted to know. Yet V never removed his mask. V proclaimed that it didn’t matter who he specifically was, what mattered was the idea, because ideas are bulletproof. I was charged off that statement, and continue to be, however, 

I believe the woman behind the mask matters. Greatly.

How can someone fight to grant truth and freedom to a nation of people without first wanting it for themself?

They can’t.

 can an ISFJ fight to provide a nurturing space where everyone is heard and considered without first wanting to be heard and considered themselves?

They can’t.

Over time we tend to learn that laws are instated to rectify problems—if stealing never occurred, we would never need a law against it. Laws tell us that something has become a big enough problem for others to notice and worry over. The repeated action necessitates the law.

If an ISFJ cultivates a space where everyone is allowed to be heard, as they have always wanted to be heard (to rectify the unheard moments), it becomes a part of their duty to provide that space. It becomes law. The law, as is, works smoothly. Until it doesn’t. There are always events we cannot anticipate. 

Thus, if an ISFJ comes to recognize that their own opinion could sway another person from their own ability to safely express, then that ISFJ reverts to the law.

 When “everyone” is deconstructed, “everyone else” is bigger than “me.” Majority rules. The law is amended. The ISFJ learns to nod quietly and remain silent so that the other speaker remains free. So says the unhealthy ISFJ.

The unhealthy ISFJ soon becomes a smiling wall that others can bounce their thoughts off of. 

But what’s underneath?

 What thorns knot themselves around an ISFJ’s throat when they can no longer speak their own truth?

 Who are they damaging because of this? 

What are the consequences?

Who really is V?

I like the concept of drowning as it evokes a passionate fight for oneself. If I just beat the current, I could live. I wasn’t drowning when I became a mask. Yet I am now.

Potentially, this account will prove helpful to other ISFJs caught in the endeavor of struggling towards health.

Certainly, this curtain call might be a bit over the top, but us toxic people like a little drama, don’t we?

1 – Caught Up in the Past (Si-Ti)

The functions of any type can generally set people into negative whirlwinds that devour substantial time and energy. For ISFJs, Si grants them an

 intimate partnership with specific moments in the past. Usually, these moments connect to what has previously occurred with specific people (friends, family, loves, strangers, etc.). 

It’s common for ISFJs to worry about how their relational connections failed in some way, even years after the fact.

ISFJs reprocess old events, turning the same moment over and over like a gold coin until satisfied. It’s an old story, but unhealthy ISFJs will churn that moment until oblivion. Charged memory coins remain in near-constant rotation until the ISFJ’s bloody fingers grow too wet to hold the thought in place. 

The action of attempted reasoning consumes so much life currency (time) from the present-day experience that we barely notice when six months have passed with the same thoughts clogging up our receptors.

 Why did my friend lie?

 Why did my pet die? 

Why am I lonely? 

Why don’t they love me?

The unending search for a stable narrative can actually make ISFJs toxic.

 Unhealthy ISFJs are never satisfied if they believe information is missing. The ISFJ won’t give up until things “make sense” (via Ti). 

If the ISFJ’s reprocessing becomes too intense their Fe suffers—whether by asking others for help on the same problem multiple times or

 by withdrawing their energy from everyone in favor of total implosion. 

The people around the ISFJ may grow frustrated with them, telling them to “move on” or “get over” what’s troubling them.

The show must go on, after all.

Enough of this feedback and an ISFJ will become that static, smiling wall I warned you about. Cold and ready for punishment. 

Is this a toxic reaction on the ISFJ’s part? Yes. It’s a stalemate. It’s an Fe cutoff point that’s quite hard to unblock once blocked. 

It’s a closing off of your role within our inner circle. It’s unfair. It’s a defensive tactic. It’s unstoppable, unless the ISFJ actually becomes aware they repeatedly use that strategy when people hurt them.

 The ISFJ could instead state what their actual needs are in regards to the plaguing situation. Something like: This situation has me trapped and I need support and time while I release my control over the alternate ending I really wanted.  

Although others are right to point out the toxic loop of overprocessing, no one can tell an Si dominant to let go of the past and expect that to suddenly rectify their dilemma.

 For one, it isn’t possible. For two, Si is the home space for ISFJs. The past is what fuels their understanding on how to live. Impressions create their world like a makeshift quilt. Each moment is necessary to understand the whole.

Instead, what ISFJs need to do (or need to be encouraged to do) is quit deconstructing the why and to instead make peace with those moments that boggle them. Process the moment for a reasonable amount of time and either settle into ambiguity (unlikely) or come up with a good enough reason for why things occurred as they did.

 Basically, ISFJs need to loosen their grip on Ti. They need to accept that they have no control over unknown factors. They need to drop the coin.

The ISFJ really needs to consider how much time they are processing in a hungry, pain-driven manner. Instead of allowing their places of failure to break off like a beast, devouring the good in them, they must consider 

how the wrong choices led them to wisdom.

 We can ask why and search for a reason behind what happened all year long, but that doesn’t actually help someone with low intuition. What an unhealthy ISFJ can do instead is ask themselves what they can do to make sure a similar predicament doesn’t happen again.

 ISFJs can protect their futures from the reoccurrence of those specific traumas. We are built for that. Ignorance and wisdom are on the same spectrum. Remember that.

The trouble with low intuition and high sensing, generally, is that these types 

often don’t know the best way to navigate situations until they’ve experienced them once, or even a few times.

 ISFJs (and ISTJs) will beat themselves up for not knowing the right moves the first time, (unlike ESTPs and ESFPs who tend to be fine with learning things as they go.)

 However, it’s not in either of their psychologies to strongly anticipate the unknown. Intuition is literally their weakest function. ISFJs can become masters at not repeating the same mistake twice, but sometimes they have to make it once in order to learn.

 Unhealthy ISFJs do not see the positive side of failure or how failure itself actually strengthens Si in the long run.

2 – Self-Suppression & Silence (Fe)

An ISFJ who misuses Fe holds a loaded gun that is forever pivoted towards themselves. Fe has the capacity to provide the most grace of any function, in my opinion, but 

when the Fe user does not acknowledge what’s really happening internally for the sake of keeping their mask straight, it’s a slow death.

 A grueling demise that lingers around the boundaries of self-pity and victimhood.

 Unhealthy ISFJs have a rough time being honest with themselves and their needs, which inadvertently fuels the idea that other people don’t see their vigilante-like self-sacrificing.

 Unhealthy ISFJs may, under the guise of thinking they are doing the right thing, disregard themselves in favor of making other people (who might not have even asked for it) comfortable.

So much trauma is collected. All for the sake of helping “everyone” avoid triggering moments.

The unhealthy ISFJ sets aside how they actually feel in order to upkeep harmonious dynamics, 

which actually causes breaks in said harmony. 

What ISFJs need to realize is that they are part of the Fe group that needs to have its opinion out in the open and considered 

 ISFJs will silence themselves in order to provide favorable conditions for others and will grow disillusioned around how much they actually matter to the people in their life because nobody truly sees them. 

Yet, the ISFJ refuses to recognize that they’re creating their own pain by

 not allowing themselves to come forward and be seen in the first place.

How can someone see you when you’re covering your face?

A healthy ISFJ will acknowledge their own needs at the equal worth of others involved. 

As an ISFJ myself, I personally need my dynamics to be “fair.” By fair, I mean that all parties involved have their needs expressed and are then able to achieve compromise together. In an unhealthy state, the self is not privileged and thus “fair” is unachievable. 

We see this in the ISFJs who don’t want kids, but repress their truth and choose to have children anyway simply because it would make their partner happy. 

The ISFJ’s choice to harmonize in the moment affects all parties involved, including the children, exponentially. The intention—to make one’s partner happy—is a grand one, but

 sacrificing the life one personally envisions so that another person can thrive is detrimental to one’s honor and self-respect. 

It’s not fair or honest—two strong qualities that ISFJs typically have in healthy states—to stifle one’s own truth. 

ISFJs can be unaware of how toxic this repression can become. I’d argue that self-repression is the best way to misuse Fe.

A caring person or group of people would want the ISFJ’s honesty, regardless of whether it rocks the boat. Coming from experience,

 many ISFJs do not  recognize that withholding what’s going on inside of them literally puts them on the road to the worst-case scenarios that inferior Ne naturally wants to take them to.

 In many cases, ISFJs most fear the fate of losing those closest to them. What’s an easier way to reach that vile end than to silently resent the people around you for not ripping your mask off? 

Is that their job? Aren’t they trusting you to be just as frank as you allow them to be?

Self-repression doesn’t happen out of nowhere. There’s a reason that at their worst FJs are labeled fake and FPs are labeled selfish—one only cares about what everyone else wants and the other only cares about what they want. Neither state is great, but it’s easy to see how “fake” can derive from never caring about yourself and how “selfish” can derive from only considering yourself.

Unhealthy ISFJs have a hard time giving credence to what they actually want. It’s thus helpful for ISFJs to seek a space of inner stillness with an Fi user. Fi is great for evaluating the internal sphere of what goes on below the presentation of a person—what is actually driving an individual to do what they do. “Fi asks: what is the skeleton of a person” (Alexa Crozier, ENFP).

 If an unhealthy ISFJ wants to break out of their toxic cycle, finding some Fi is substantially helpful given Fi is not a naturally comfortable space for us. Fi forces us to confront layers of ourselves that we naturally don’t address.

The problem with never having the space to be fully known is that when we aren’t true in our desires, we wake up to a life we don’t want, yet choose to remain in it because it’s stable and we know what to expect from it—an overreliance on Si expectation paired with Fe obligations, unchecked Ti reasoning, and some Ne fear of the unknown. 

Basically, when an ISFJ wakes up to a life they don’t want, they should know they have utilized every aspect of their wiring poorly.

 I’m the first person on the boat when it comes to stability, but I want to actually enjoy the stability I have around me, not act like I’m okay with variables I would never choose for myself if I was solely in charge of making decisions without another’s input. 

And that’s the mirage, right there. We are actually in total control of our choices and we allow the silencing of the truth to make us think otherwise.

Unhealthy ISFJs 

need to be honest with themselves and their life course if they want to see through their own disillusionment. 

Generally, it’s a toxic move to hide the truth in order for someone else to feel comfortable.

 ISFJs might not feel like they’re hiding the truth (aka LYING, though we’d hate to call it that) when they just go along with what everyone wants to do because they are wired towards accommodating the space of other people, but they are. 

It’s a beautiful thing that Si and Fe work together to create a very nurturing sphere that catalogues important tidbits with others. However, the ISFJ’s needs get lost when they don’t nurture themselves with the same grace they give everyone else.

3 – Excessive Worry (Ne)

Inferior Ne has the capacity to cause high damage to the psyche when unchecked. When left to its own devices, Ne functions as a sledgehammer, representative of all the pain that is possible. The hammer knocks out car windows in winter and brings its passengers the chill of wind. Ne leaves the family on the lonely road, lost to a blizzard of torment. Ne circles in the mind as the villainous fate, waiting for the right moment to tell its captives just how wrong everything could go.

You don’t understand the incapacitating worry of all that could be until you’ve lived it.

And where does our tragic mask fit within the catacombs of our excessive worry?

ISFJs try, and fail, to hide the crushing waves of the unknown. ISFJs even seem identifiable by their anxious ponderings on seemingly irrelevant phenomena. What’s behind the seemingly non-consequential panic? I would say it’s the fundamental worry that we have unalterable character flaws that will negatively impact the general environment if we somehow do not protect ourselves and others against the unknown.

We think we can control chaos when we are actually a cog in its wheel.

For the ISFJ, missing a car payment is not just missing a car payment. There’s a reason ISFJs aren’t known for letting payments slip their mind. Missing a car payment is a bell that rings other bells. One car payment is missed, then the rent is missed, then the family is living on the street, then the ISFJ realizes how destitute their possibility of effectively humaning properly is, then the ISFJ sees how all of their outward planning and preparation has no actual ability to control the chaos that builds within themselves when they cannot control all the variables that make up life. Everything goes back to thinking there is something wrong with us if we do not strain ourselves against life’s unexpected turns.

I personally have a problem thinking I’m evil. That’s where my jolts of concern stem. My bills never say “past due” because I don’t allow my actual lack of self-control to peak through towards concrete reality. I try to say and do all the right things that are expected in order to avoid my pitfalls and inner horrors.

I can come up with a million ways my actions will, or have brought, lasting negative effects on the people around me. I have never physically hurt nor intentionally caused emotional distress, yet the self-lashings for all of my missteps are quick and sharp. Fair, Fair, Fair constantly rotates in my head like a pounding drum. Apparently, fair in an unhealthy state means brutally butchering myself over every wrongdoing—a problem linked to perfectionistic Ti.

I certainly get caught up in the multitude of ways that my relative existence makes the lives of everyone around me worse. I see no greater monster than myself. I am quiet, meek, and curious. I am pure Abaddon.

Knowing I have caused others I care for pain, in any capacity, brings me shame. Heartache. Self-hate. I have strong Si: I know what it means to relive the same abusive event over and over and to never escape the plague of it. Why would I even breathe around other people knowing I could have that debilitating affect on another person? Knowing they could carry my words around like knives in their thighs compresses my will to speak at all. Sometimes it’s simply easier to wear a mask. It’s easier to let someone else shine rather than risk them through an accidental critique I make by trying to let my inner voice out. Inferior Ne helps to keep me silent.

According to Jordan Peterson (ENTJ), it’s actually a positive step in awareness to accept your capacity for evil, so long as you also accept your capacity for good. Without awareness around the agony you are capable of producing, you will not be conscious of your actions. You will have no discernment—a skill that Peterson argues is more important than one’s capacity to love—on how to approach much of anything.

Certainly, the concept of being evil can be taken a bit too far. ISFJs can’t come up with more than three different uses for a paperclip, but we can find fifty ways to take responsibility for the pain everyone has in our vicinity. That’s a problem. And a bit self-involved, if we’re being honest. Still…odd, isn’t it? That we can so readily acknowledge the way we have hurt others yet cannot give ourselves credit for being helpful or kind. It’s always, “I want to be kind,” not, “I am kind.” We hope to be seen as good, but are we good?

For unhealthy ISFJs, it feels wrong to take any credit for any positive moment at all as we assume that the worst is just around the bend. Sirens should be going off as this acceptance is toxic as well. There’s a difference between being a modest human and assuming one wrong move warrants our tying to the train tracks.

Unhealthy ISFJs have a hard time accepting the truth of balance. Inferior Ne does have a tendency to make ISFJs humble in regards to what they’re capable of, but it rubs off as an invested insecurity in oneself more than anything positive. High Ne at its best (as in NPs) comes up with numerous possibilities and potentials. ISFJs don’t have access to that. It’s actually the furthest thing from their conscious mind. Take that sporadic hope tornado from a person and you have an individual that only believes in what they have experienced before, not what they could potentially experience in the tree future…unless it’s negative. That’s sadly something that naturally occurs in our wiring as Ne is our low space. It’s the thing we fall into when we’re down and have to crawl out of when we acknowledge it’s time to pick ourselves up.

If you feed the inclination towards low Ne, you basically come to the conclusion that you do not matter apart from the ways you have negatively affected people and that most everything to come is set to fail. Ti can be helpful in rectifying this horrid logic as no one human has ever made such terrible choices that they have hurt people every single moment for their entire lives. Nor has every single thing in someone’s life gone utterly wrong at random. Not every possibility that is thinkable will occur. Be aware that Ne can take you to dark places and be willing to give yourself the Fe nurturing you so naturally give to other people when your mind is out of whack. Or, find someone with high Ne that can help align you towards a positive self-awareness of where you truly stand in the world.

There’s a reason that unhealthy ISFJs can linger so long within the anxious trails of Ne. As stated previously, Ne is the function furthest from the ISFJ’s mind. It is “the gateway to the unconscious.” And what lies in the unconscious? The shadow. We could get spooky and talk about the shadow all day long and never fully understand it, but there’s a reason it’s called the shadow. It’s dark. There are parts of our minds we do not willingly go without assistance, and Ne is the doorway towards that other side. Play in the brambles of Ne too long and you might just become an entirely different person. For better or worse.

Special Recommendations for the Unmasking

Coming through my own sector of healing grants me some awareness around what might actually help others who think similarly to me. I’ve most definitely utilized my own knowledge of cognitive functions to help me on my road. Most of the time, it’s been by trial and error. We don’t always know who we need to learn from until they find us. Our brains, however, do give us some useful codes that help us search out the next intentionally placed wanderer on our trail.

The ISFJ’s high functions (Si and Fe) provide them with the tools they need to grow from an unhealthy to a healthy state. What are ISFJs generally good at? Making casual friends. ISFJs are naturally relational and do enjoy talking and getting to know people. Why not use that skillset to build oneself towards a healthy state? ISFJs can cultivate a warm, receptive space with their strong functions so that they can be an information “sponge” that learns from others. It’s best to speak the intent of what you’re trying to do—understand your patterns, reason through your missteps, etc.—in this space so that there is a collective awareness around the ISFJ’s goal. (I’ve been healing alongside other people who are healing and have picked up certain lessons from them as well as given some out. It’s not about “taking” from people, but exchanging relevant information that can be helpful for each other’s journeys. A one-sided taking should feel a bit gross to healthy Fe.)

Speaking from personal experience, unhealthy ISFJs can really benefit from xNFPs (ENFPs and INFPs). Strong Fi can help direct an ISFJ inwards so that they can “learn” themselves and what their real needs are on a deeper level. When ISFJs are stuck in negative loops, they can also benefit from the sporadic (often positive-framed) exploration that a strong Ne user can provide them. The higher strength functions of xNFPs provide fundamental experience in areas that an ISFJ needs help with in order to grow towards a healthy self-aware state. xNFPs in particular will appreciate that the ISFJ wants to do well by themselves and their needs (Fi respects this exponentially).

I would also recommend that unhealthy ISFJs befriend someone with strong Ni (ENTJs, ENFJs, INTJs, and INFJs). I’m going to spend more time on Ni here as I’ve heard the feedback that SJs have disrespected NJs because of their “elusive” Ni. I’m personally mesmerized by strong Ni and want to focus in on how awareness of it is beneficial for an Si user in ways they might not be aware of. The concern I’ve seen between SJs and NJs is often in regards to the SJ thinking that the NJ discounts their personal experience (which drives Si) and the NJ thinking the SJ is too caught up in their subjective, singular moments to see the pebble that they are in the grand scheme of eons (hello, Ni).

Embrace being the pebble, ISFJ.

ISFJs (and SJs in general) have a hard time seeing themselves within their own context. Si grants ISFJs with an acute ability to hone in on one specific moment we have personally experienced and evaluating those anecdotes. ISFJs rarely “zoom-out” and see their repeated patterns and how their repeated patterns have led to consequences or ends they didn’t want. For the Ni user, these patterns are obvious as they span across time. For example, plenty of people throughout the ages have experienced grief to the extent that we have assembled expectations around what grief looks like. We call them the stages of grief. Although we can become caught up in our own highly specific experience of it, there is a “typical” journey that a person experiences emotionally when it comes to loss.

High Ni users have an innate ability to see how the specific situations people are going through relate to the broader picture of humanity. This is especially helpful for the unhealthy ISFJ who doesn’t recognize how they are following the unconscious, toxic steps that others have taken in similar predicaments. This might include immediately dating someone new fresh out of a break-up without thoughtful consideration around why things fell apart, including their own role in the mess. Many have unconsciously taken this route of jumping from partner to partner and many have lost themselves in the woods because of it. Although the ISFJ might have good intent—to give and receive love—there’s little awareness around how that rushed “journey” has typically made the original break-up situation worse. Certainly, specific functions could be at play if an ISFJ made a problematic choice like this. For example, Fe tends towards wanting to put its adoration fuel somewhere, but without some kind of self-evaluation process (AKA who is right for me, not who is available to me), the ISFJ will be worse off than before. Thus, Ni steps in to tell ISFJs in this predicament what they need to do (as all others who came before them needed to do): give themselves time to reflect and heal.

I’m a strong believer in the idea that different functions open different doors. Were I not journeying through my own “dark night of the soul” I wouldn’t have garnered the awareness I have around what is actually helpful when an ISFJ is (to their own dismay) a walking red flag. I personally had strong Fi, Ne, and Ni external influences that worked with me to sort out my problem areas and how to “survive” after the things I didn’t want to see about myself were mirrored back. Carl Jung himself stated, “that which we need the most will be found where we least want to look.”

When you wake up one day to your own civil war and see how many people you’ve been letting down because of it, it’s quite isolating to go at that redemption alone. It’s abundantly helpful to have friends with such different perspectives and strengths by your side. I am substantially aware of how different mind wiring catapulted me away from my deceptively comforting mask and towards growth.

Join the Newsletter

Want to discover more about personality type? Get the inside scoop with Susan Storm on all things typological, along with special subscriber freebies, and discounts on new eBooks and courses! Join our newsletter today!

Subscribe

We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe at any time.

Share via:

More

ISFJ, MBTI, Myers Briggs

Jami Cannon

Post navigation

PREVIOUS

7 Reasons Typology Can Improve Your Life in 2021

NEXT

The Myers-Briggs® Types of the Haikyuu!! Characters

Similar Posts

10 Talents of the INFJ and ENFJ Personality Types

By

Susan Storm

February 18, 2019

The Introverted Mother – How to Survive and Thrive

By

Susan Storm

March 2, 2017

What Happens When An INFP Experiences Stress? A New Infographic!

By

Susan Storm

October 17, 2016

Are ENTJs Smart? A Look at the Strategic Visionary

By

Susan Storm

June 6, 2023

Are ISTP Personalities Rare? A Look at the Facts

By

Susan Storm

June 29, 2023

Are You An Introverted Feeler or an Extraverted Feeler? Comparing and Contrasting

By

Susan Storm

November 2, 2017

14 Comments

Anonymous says:

June 27, 2021 at 7:31 am

This is amazingly insightful. Eagerly looking forward to more by Jami.

Reply

Jane the HSP ISFJ says:

June 28, 2021 at 4:45 pm

Due to privacy concerns, I understand the need to perhaps not share the identity of who you have harmed and exactly what you did, but I’m concerned you are being incredibly hard on both yourself and ISFJs.

What might you have done, Jami–run over a puppy with glee? Okay, of course I’m being a bit snarky with that remark, but I’ve read several of your other posts and seen you on YT, so I have a hard time imagining you doing something that would merit this rebuke. Plus, I strongly believe that self-flagellation does not lead to effective or lasting change, perhaps especially not for most ISFJs.

I also believe that if ISFJs end up wearing a mask, there are/have been others surrounding them that benefited from them wearing that mask and have reinforced the ISFJ keeping it on. Yes, adults we are each responsible for our actions; of course. However mask-wearing may have become an unconscious and ingrained pattern during an ISFJ’s formative years. As you said above, “Self-repression doesn’t happen out of nowhere.” And, “A caring person or group of people would want the ISFJ’s honesty, regardless of whether it rocks the boat.”

Reply

Kaavya says:

June 29, 2021 at 9:11 am

Brilliantly insightful. Very, very helpful. Looking forward to reading more by Jami.

Reply

Wendy says:

June 30, 2021 at 6:42 am

Great job on the details and great article. You have given me a lot to digest. I have to agree though that, absent of knowing what you have or haven’t done, it sounds like you are being way *way* too harsh on yourself. Self examination can lead to seeing previous states and moments in time with fresh eyes. But I would caution to take it slow and easy with this fresh perspective – have you acquired all the pieces yet? It is new after all and you want to soak it in for some time – admire the view, take a deep beath. Your self examination is very strong and insightful and I have enjoyed your efforts here. Much of it is quite relatable and helpful. But the self recrimination tone you have struck is far too heavy handed. The word “toxic” is used far too liberally, and I’d humbly suggest, not appropriate. There is a trend these days to assume a truthful self examination must be harsh to be rigorous. A little more tenderness in care of yourself, please. Sure there are going to be people who do harm within any type group, but the ISFJ as an archetype, and I am guessing you personally, do not warrant such a heavy rebuke, as a rule. But again your writing is strong, and I look forward to reading other posts from you. Thanks and best!

Reply

Anonymous says:

November 26, 2021 at 10:15 am

Wow wow and wow! I’m an INFJ that with a ISFJ wearing a mask. My dark night of the soul started approximately 10 years ago and I’m still learning and sure I always will be. I’m beyond frustrated that my ISFJ will not even take a small peak around the mask and don’t know how to help someone who’s unwilling. In truth no one can can help the unwilling…

Reply

Chris Phoenix says:

May 5, 2022 at 8:44 pm

I took one of those online personality quizzes and it says I’m an ISFJ-T (Defender). While I can see alot of this applies to me, there’s alot of reaction in me that says “That’s BS! You don’t fn know me! I’m different!”. Also, some of us either don’t have intuitive friends who are accepting and can help us, or don’t have many friends at all that have high tolerance for what they perceive as “our BS”. They have heard our stories so many times they just want us to “get over it and move on”, which hurts, ever time.

Also, the abbreviated acronyms (Ti, Fe, Si, Ne/Ni) Are a bit too “psych major grad student” for me. I had to go back and look up their definitions constantly as I read through the article to truly comprehend the meanings and concepts here. Maybe rely less on the acronyms and concentrate on the concepts themselves as a whole when explaining it.

Reply

Random INTP says:

May 23, 2022 at 3:54 pm

Well, I know the modern world has generally made NP personalities more mainstream, with the very quirky culture on the internet, and SJs seen as “less valuable” or “boring,” I do appreciate what SJs do everyday. While I am not usually fond of routine and the need for predictability, it seems like for much of this pandemic, that changed completely. I feel like my tertiary Si development sped up on this time, and somehow I can sympathize that SJs may often feel this way outside of emergencies as well. Not that my entire day is scheduled and nothing on my to do list is missed, but generally, certain consistent routines happen while the rest of the days is just in random jumbles. Anyway, they say the tertiary function develops from your early 20s, so it must be happening to me, as much as I was convinced back when I was 13 and taking an MBTI test, that it wasn’t true. Wow, I’m getting old. . .

All in all, you don’t need to become the opposite type of an ENTP to be “good”. It’s enough for you to offer that steady guiding role as an ISFJ. Though when it comes to Ne, the best advice I can give for SJs wanting to work with it is to just make very small changes in their life, or to introduce tiny changes in details. While I mostly hang around the sciences, I dabble in the arts as a hobby, and found that was common advice. . . to just change one small detail. . . then keep changing a few details until it becomes your own original thing. The Japanese call it Kaizen, or the practice of changing your life or a business by changing one small detail each day, because something is better than nothing. Then after 365 days a year, it would be 365 little changes, right? Change does not have to be quick. It just has to be consistent, which obviously SJs are better at doing. If the act of small change in of itself becomes a routine, then clearly having Ne in small bites can make things work better. Just a suggestion.

Reply

Iris says:

November 20, 2022 at 10:41 am

I’m also an ISFJ – I can definitely relate to the “unhealthy ISFJ” simptoms…

I’m trying to overcome it, but nowadays it’s been so strong, but thank you for the tips, I’ll give it a shot

Reply

Anonymous says:

November 20, 2022 at 8:06 pm

I am also an unhealthy ISFJ. I can relate to what you shared in this article. I thought this article was excellent. It gave me a lot of insight as to why I feel the way I do about myself and why I feel other people are more important than me. My late mother was an unhealthy INTJ which was disastrous to my emotional and mental health. I grew up feeling like an invalid with an identity which never fully developed. My late mother’s parenting style was authoritarian. She wasn’t responsive to my internal needs and had exceptionally high performance expectations of me. I could not be myself. In order to make her happy, I had to measure up to her standards. To add insult to injury, she was and I am a highly sensitive person (HSP). I am in my 60’s and single with no children. One of my girlfriends is an INFJ. We’re very close and have a great understanding of each other. I need to surround myself with more people who have a strong Introverted feeling (Fi). Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Reply

Grace says:

June 17, 2023 at 4:03 pm

Thank you so much for your essay.

I am an ENFP (only child) who grew up with an unhealthy ISFJ mom, and who has been vainly trying most of my life to understand her. My Mom exerted her Si in a pervasively controlling way, leaving no space for my Ne to develop. As a result, I was depressed for most of my teenage years. While studying to be a psychotherapist years later, I encountered and loved the Myers-Briggs typology at university, but somehow never thought to type my Mom.

Reading your account was like bathing in an ocean wave that washed everything clean. It enabled me to discern that what I thought was her selfishness or passive-agressiveness was just my Mom’s inability to see a child from whom she was so different, and to see herself in her relationship with that child. It enabled me to finally accept, have compassion for, and appreciate my Mom for who she is.

For this your great gift to me, thank you so much! 💞

Reply

Anonymous says:

December 15, 2023 at 3:10 am

Was thinking how post is cool then read that J. P is ENTJ, I think he is INFJ.

Reply

Ellen G says:

June 30, 2024 at 7:32 pm

I’m an infj with an isfj wearing a mask. Layers. Buried and deluding himself he is safe down there, covered, locked in & controlling the dials to present a show acceptable to those outside. I see in there. Beneath the layers & beckon him to take my hand “It’s ok. It’s safe. Your feelings matter. Your wants matter. Your voice matters. You aren’t perfect and that perfectly fine. You’re in good company. We’re all imperfect and much worse. Nothing bad will happen. “ This article is very useful for us and echos, almost verbatim, “conversations” we’ve had where I’m attempting to revive his voice. He recently recollected where he made the conscious decision to silence it when he was 10 or 11. Since then, he attracted types who liked that choice & took advantage of it. Now he is with me and I can’t not see his inauthenticity when masking. I can’t not care what he wants, so here we are, searching for insight to progress, grow & be healthy.

Reply

Holly Fortenberry says:

November 19, 2024 at 5:28 pm

This was fantastic, Jami! Although I agree with the others that you’re probably being too hard on yourself, something I say to my ISFJ girlfriend often. I’m an INTJ and really appreciate the nuance and depth with which you articulated Tom this, one of my favorite subjects, the ISFJ, personality of my Sweetheart.

Thank you!

Holly

Reply

Jonathan Scholz says:

April 17, 2025 at 5:48 am

Reading this was like reading my own biography that I never knew existed. I had a mental breakdown in college due to the cyclic thought patterns, needing to control outcomes in my head regarding my Christian faith. Essentially my ‘good qualities’ were not good enough in my mind, therefore making me not a kind enough or loving enough person. I made up how many reasons as to how I was not social enough, spiritual enough, cool enough etc, to the point where I essentially abandoned my faith. There were others around me who actually showed me some of my positive qualities, but I would not believe it. I could not ‘zoom out’ . For the most part of my life, I was extremely loyal to my family, to the point where I purposefully did not date because I thought it would disturb the family harmony.

Thank you for this article. My life makes alot more sense now.